It says: Beware the Fortune Cookie of DOOM!
It says: Beware the wrath of the Rubber Chicken.
It says: Carpe diem.
It says: Carpe ranam.
It says: Help, I'm trapped in a Chinese bakery!
It says: Inspected by No. 12
It says: Me love you long time.
It says: No.
It says: Stay with your wife.
It says: That wasn't chicken.
It says: These cookies might contain useful quest information.
It says: This message is printed on recycled paper.
It says: Who's your daddy?
It says: Yes.
It says: You will encounter a strange warrior.
It says: You will find a new love.
It says: You will meet a healer in the near future.

mmm cookies

You push the button.
There is a loud whistle, a series of clanks, and an expensive purple glove
spits out of The Ultimate Device and lands on the floor.

You concentrate immensely and mumble 'mega visa huijari'
The following messages seem to vibrate from an expensive purple glove:
It is called expensive purple glove and identified as 'clothing', 'glove',
'expensive glove',
'purple glove' and 'purple expensive glove'.
It would take the following clothing slots: hand. 
It has been in the game for 11h, 24min and 59s. It is almost weightless,
extremely small, in
excellent condition, it's BRAND NEW, made of rubber, worth 1 gold and of poor
quality. 
It has been worn by Elf refugee for 1h.
It hasn't been wielded by anyone.

worn by elf refugee? :o

Oh, drats. Someone lets out a real rip-roarer!
Your marvellous forestman skills lets you pass the aggressive Thela without
being noticed.

You made it!
You are suddenly transferred out of here.
Nowhere, yet everywhere.
You are in a place that seems to be nowhere. Still some how
you feel like you are everywhere.
Obvious exit is: somewhere.
The room flashes into bright light.
Voice booms: WELL DONE MORTAL, HERE IS YOUR REWARD.
An object appears at your feet.

You take the Maul of Titans <red glow>

woo

Missing quests:
6: Great white bison -- find and tame the rare white buffalo
41: Stay down! -- get a ride underground permanent success
53: When a problem comes along, you must whip it -- successfully rebuke a
large monster

You have completed the beastmaster quest 'Shmuzin for a bruizin!

3 to go. :o

Your rank has been set to: Mixmaster.

whii

Ruuben tells you 'CONGRATULATIONS! Few have ever possessed a creation such as
this, I hope you find it of continual aid in your endeavors. I know you will
do the Merchant's Guild proud.'    

Ruuben [merchant]: All hail Thela!!! He has truly earned the rank of Master
Merchant, and built for himself an incredibly powerful toolbelt!

woop woop

Nastassja takes your belt from you, and begins chanting an ancient spell over
it. After a minute, you begin to feel your life force being pulled into it,
although not in a way that would actually threaten your life. The belt begins
to glow a brighter white than before, and even begins to turn translucent. As
the Smith continues chanting, the belt lifts up from his hands, and drifts
INTO! your body. You feel a sharp pain, and weaken a bit... but then
everything seems to settle down. Nastassja finishes chanting, and your belt
settles into your hands, forever a part of you.
[merchant]: Thela has finished creating his toolbelt!

Tier 1 took 7 days and most of that was waiting to be able to donate more
blood.

You are done with the chant.
You sing: 'dIsCHoRD'
You learn the song by heart.

first :|

You are prepared to do the skill.
You begin the taming session.
After a while, Scorpion dreadnaut bows down in submission.

hähää

zgrep "^You try to calm down Scorpion dreadnaut, but it gets distracted."
20150622-Generic.txt | wc -l
19

,--------------------------------------------------------------------------.
| Time             Killed by                                               |
|--------------------------------------------------------------------------|
| 22 Jun - 19:12   a HUGE and deadly scorpion dreadnaut                    |
| 22 Jun - 19:32   a HUGE and deadly scorpion dreadnaut                    |
| 22 Jun - 20:04   a HUGE and deadly scorpion dreadnaut                    |
| 22 Jun - 20:13   a HUGE and deadly scorpion dreadnaut                    |
`--------------------------------------------------------------------------'

Not today.

After a while, Deadly chaos drake bows down in submission.
You have completed the beastmaster quest 'Dark wings of doom!

Big thanks to Aegor.

You have completed the beastmaster quest 'Dragon steaks!
102891: A Green Dragon is here protecting the Catacombs

You have completed the beastmaster quest 'Exotic pets!
6 to go

You have completed the beastmaster quest 'Poke in the eye!
Only 4 tries. 8)

You are prepared to do the skill.
You lash out at Tiger shark, snapping the whip at her face!
She yelps and jumps back.
You have completed the beastmaster quest 'You don't know Jacques!

81% rebuke, 70+ tries. :O

You have completed the beastmaster quest 'They are kind of related!
10

You have completed the beastmaster quest 'If you can't find a cliff...!
11 to go

Tried to tame ancient chaos drake, but after 50+ failed calm animal attempts,
we decided that he was just too mad for us.

102 dead buffaloes lying on the floor, I wish to Christ, I wish to Christ,
that I had white buffalo.