Date:Feb 4 2002
It was a warm, bright day in the abode of the gods and archwizards. Nymphs
were running around beerfountains and giggling merrily at the prospect of
enticing the mighty archwizard Tomba to have mudsex with them later on.
This merriment wasn't to last though, as one of the nymphs noticed dark
clouds forming above mount Anibus, the home of the greater gods.
I The conclave of gods
Mount Anibus, that enormous snowpeaked giant, which all mortals learn to
fear as utter newbies had an important guest this week. It was Satan, the
old deceiver himself. The discussions were heated as all of the conclave of
gods were present, fronted by Anipa, Zonni, Jaf and Quadra.
What the gods had failed to notice in their heated debate with the prime
evil was a small faerie. It had flown in through one of the windows and
positioned in the corner to see what was going on.
Satans enormous horned head was poking through a translucent portal in the
middle of the room. Currently he was turned towards Anipa - the ruler of
gods - and saying: 'Well blasted, do you mean to tell me that you have only
turned thirty people to evil ways of mudding this week?'
Cowering a bit Anipa replied 'but oh lord, all this outdated technology,
old muds are just not 'in' anymore amongst the teenage nerds. They are
all moving to those 3D-graphical muds and you know we don't have a foothold
The dark lord of the underworld didn't seem to like this announcement and
let out a thunderous roar which shook the entire mountain. As things finally
stopped shaking Satan continued with an angry voice 'Drop your disguises
already, nobody can see us here, I just hate these goodytwoshoes-outfits.'
As the small faerie watched, the gods clampered in a huddle and seemed to
rip their skins off. This did not amaze the faerie as she was used to the
ways of the gods. What did amaze her though was what was revealed under
Anipa had turned into a huge bloodred demon with black wings and Jaf looked
like an oversized fly with scaly shell. The faerie could only guess what
Zonni was, but he reminded the small creature of the hairy spiders she had
seen in the mortal world. The last, but not the least, was Quadra, who had
assumed the guise of a huge mammoth-like creature. It seemed to the faerie
that the rest of the conclave was no less horrifying than these four, only
The air of the meetingplace filled with clatter of claws and crunching sound
of mandibles. Satan interrupted this exchange with a quick gesture of his
arm, accidentaly crushing one of the ugly creatures.
'Silence, silence!' - he boomed to the horde of abominations.
'Shall we get back to the business at hand?'
'Yes lord', the demons replied, almost as if speaking with same mouth.
'So overlords Moloch, Belial, Beëlzebub and Mammon what have you to say to
this information I have received that good is prevailing over evil in that
imaginary world of mortals down below? Even small victory is a victory. We
must turn these mudding teenagers to evil paths.'
After a moment of murmuring, Beëlzebub - the master of lies, stepped
forward and buzzed 'We do not know the reason for that oh master of hell. I
have succesfully maintained the illusion that mudding and rpg's are nothing
but trivial entertainment. Although we've gotten some harassment from the
religious groups in the real world, nobody actually believes those hotheads.
Hah, if they only knew that we planted the idea of AD&D in the head of Gary
At this point the demons once again fell into disarray and started
chirping, mumbling and stuttering to each other about the reasons behind
these recent developments. It was not until Mammon stepped forward that
silence was achieved. All the minor demons wanted to hear what the overlord
had to say.
Mammon adressed Satan and spoke with a rasping voice 'Oh master of
thousand pains, I am fairly certain I know why these mud nerds choose to
play 'good' these days. Those meddling archwizards and minor annoyances
known as codeslaves have moved to oppose us, although unknowingly.'
'How so?' asked satan.
Mammon cleared his throat and continued 'Well lord, recently a foolish
archwizard known as Zin opened a nun guild which obviously promotes good
values. The general trend in this mud has also been towards good lately.
Nobody wants to play those feeble guilds like evil priests and lords of
chaos. It has something to do with what these nerds call 'rocking' and
Various murmurs broke out but Satan quickly silenced them and turned his
head towards lord Belial, who had been silent to this point.
'Lord Belial, you are in the charge of mortal affairs, what is this
'rocking' and 'minmaxing'.'
The arachnoid creature moved forward tediously and replied with a chirping
voice: 'Master, I have been to see these mud nerds in the actual world in
conventions they call 'mudcons'. There I learned that the players want to
gather things known as experience and equipment as much as possible. This
experience and equipment are nothing but lines of text on their screens,
but when they have gathered enough, they can 'rock' and 'minmax' more
efficiently. I know it must sound idiotic, but that is just the way it is.
Currently evil guilds are not best places to gather these things the nerds
value so much, hence, we have a problem.'
After a prolonged silence and lots of brain straining Satan adressed all
of the overlords: 'So, what do you think we must do to fix the situation in
this mud and turn more of these mudders to evil ways?'
The overlords discussed for a while amongst themselves and after a while
Beëlzebub, most devious of the lot turned to Satan and answered his
question: 'Lord Morningstar, I suggest that we challenge the archwizards to
a game of wits here in the virtual world. Attacking them in the actual
world is out of the question, they would be missed. If we beat them, they
will acknowledge our superiority and stop challenging our decisions to give
evil guilds more power.'
'Ah lord Beëlzebub, you were always my favourite. That is a devious plan.
Now let us discuss the details.'
The meeting hall was filled with a cacophyny of various voices and
occasional 'Let's drink their blood' - shouts. The small faerie who had
been listening heard none of this though, as it was busily flying away
from the mountain. Terrified of what she had heard, it was of an utmost
importance to reach Tomba, the archwizard who was the creatures master.
Sniffing the air the faerie smelled Tombas aftershave and started homing
in on him.
II The resistance
A long trip it was for the small creature to fly. Over the valley of
idle, archwizard Durands abode, it flew, flapping those tiny wings hard to
combat the dangerous winds. Still the faerie continue, unrelenting, as it
knew the importance of her task. Sooner than she thought the faerie reached
the grassy meadows of moaning pleasures, and surely enough, the very fabric
of the land groaned, sighed and shook with uncontained delight. This was
the land of bardic playboy Archwizard, Amarth. All that moaning were the
echoes of screams elven girls had shouted in climax as Amarth pleasured
them. Now the faerie was helped by pleasant winds and she already saw the
edge of the seven are forest, Archwizard Tombas place of residence.
The faerie found Tomba playing 'who can jump the highest' with his
friends Nasu and Tigger. It took a while for the tiny creature to get
noticed, but when she did Tomba stopped playing and listened carefully as
the faerie whispered the news in his ear.
'What! Demons you say! Satan you say! This is most grievous. We must summon
all the archwizards into a meeting' Tomba yelled with a surprised voice.
Casting a spell of call flock Tomba summoned a large group of pigeons and
tied the hastily scribbled messages on their feet.
After an hour had passed, various, slightly confused Archwizards started
arriving to the shady opening in the forest which Tomba had selected as the
place of the meeting.
They were all there, so the bardic tales tell. Tomba himself lead the
discussion, Amarth, Gore and even Durand had arrived (awakened from his
sleepy idleness by a pigeon sitting on his face). Gront was around too,
though invisible to normal eyes. Many cunning plans were devised and
discarded to counter the demonic menace. In the end it was Durand and his
slumbersome posture that convinced the archwizards to wait for the demons
to do the first move.
The wait proved to be short, as Tomba was confronted by Jaf in the next
'I have come to challenge Archwizards into a game of wits. You must choose
four champions to battle our champions in the mastery of coding. The
winning party will gain the ownership of all the guilds. If you decline, we
the gods, will wrest the guilds from you by force.' Jaf announced.
There was nothing for Tomba to do but accept the challenge.
After Jaf had departed Tomba thought about the situation. There was no
way to cheat the gods (or demons) and telling them that they knew about
their demonic nature would only cause more problems.
Archwizards were once again summoned to a meeting and the champions were
decided on. Firstly: Tomba himself, the jester Archwizard. Secondly:
Gront - The master of devious tuning. Of the third champion there was a
long discussion and aggravated debate, but in the end Gore was chosen.
Finally as the last champion the choice was obvious: Durand. His calm
(and sometimes a bit idle) attitude to things would strenghten the party.
III The game
The game took place in a large testing area where Archwizards and Gods
tested their mysterious creations. A mortal had been selected to judge and
he obviously had no idea of the true motives behind the game. Champions
of both factions were facing each other, their supporters fallen behind.
Tomba took on Quadra and Gore was eyeing his adversary, Anipa,
suspiciously. On the other side of the battlefield Zonni and Gront were
already engaged in a staring competition and neither of them wanted to
flinch away. Durand was supposed to be battling with Jaf but teleporting
all the way here had drained his force and he was about to lapse in his
idlish slumber. Gladly Zin saw the situation and started throwing small
rocks at him, which was all it took to wake him up.
With all the combatants ready, the judge announced the rules: 'Hear ye,
hear ye. This is a game of coding prowess. You may not attack directly,
but use your skills to create something which hinders or disables your
opponent. There are no limits to what you may create. Only your skill and
speed will determine your success. Let the game begin!'
Wasting no time Tomba snapped his fingers and five tons of bricks fell
over Quadra from nowhere. Quadra shrugged this off easily and threw a
ticking object at Tomba, which he had seemingly created out of thin air.
The globe exploded with a thunderous sound and a black mushroom-shaped
cloud emerged. Tomba staggered out of it, coughing and cursing.
Next to this busy pair were Anipa and Gore, already at each others
throats (figurely speaking). Gore had taken a hairy claw out of his pocket,
animated it and right now it was strangling Anipa viciously. Anipa retorted
by sending a pair of magic boots against the Archwizard, which kept kicking
him, thus ruining his concentration.
Zonni and Gront seemed to be locked in a standstill, as their magic
swords fenced between them. The staring competition was still going on.
Thirty or so feet from them Durands punching gloves danced in the air,
stunning Jaf with every blow. Durand himself was about to fall asleep
Many, many hours passed, what seemed like an eternity. The battle raged
from left to right and right to left, without any of the combatants
gaining the upper hand. Various mystical creatures were seen and slain,
amazing magical displays summoned forth and dismissed. The end came fast
when it finally did. The gods proved to be less hardy than their younger
First Anipa collapsed under the lightnings which bombarded him from the
clouds Gore had summoned. Seeing his masters defeat, Quadra lost his
concentration, allowing Tomba to summon a stone golem. The golem hit Quadra
so hard that he burried halfway through the hard ground and lost
consciousness. Gront had managed to pass Zonnis magical defences and casted
an anti-gravity spell at him. Surprisingly Zonni rose to the air and just
floated away. To the onlookers it seemed that Durand had slept the entire
fight, but obviously ten hours of continuous stunning had worn Jaf out. He
collapsed to the ground like a dead man.
After hours of clamour and commotion the silence was eardeafening. The
Archwizards had won and their rooters let out a shout of joy so loud that
it could be heard all the way to the mortal world. The guilds had been
saved from the evil grip of gods, but who knows when they will be
threatened again, as gods never die.
I was that judge, a mere newbie at the time. Only after many years I
found out the true nature of that game, where our souls were at stake!