Date:Jan 30 2007
Our hero's name is Lif. He is a monkey. Now I know most of you will have
preconceived notions about what a monkey can and cannot do. I beg you to
these thoughts at the door. For this monkey is smarter, wilder, and is a
much more evil that your average monkey.
Lif is a pirate. He steals, plunders, occasionally loots, never rapes (he is,
after all, a moral and thinking primate) and loves a good bar song. You may
how does a monkey do all these things. I may answer, but not right now.
Lif is the captain of the feared Black Magilla. A ship he stole from a group
more common, though not so smart, pirates. He gathered up some of his monkey
breathren, and possibly a very hairy human. (No one has yet to ask him, as he
is the ships cook and makes an excellent banana pancake.)
The main thrust of our tale today focuses on the most heinous of crimes,
Mutiny on the Magilla. (That's a pun, we bards are famous for those.) There
among Lif's crew, some less reputable monkeys, chimps with chips on their
shoulders, and such. One of the most devilish of these chimps was Nevom.
was a bitter old monkey with a short stubby tail. Which always causes endless
mockery from the rest of the crew. This constant ridicule made him quick to
anger, and often the center of the most vicious bar fights was Nevom with a
dagger in one hand (and more often that not in 2 or 3) and some poor chap
punched with the other.
This is all good and solid background information, but let us get to the main
event. There was a night, a good drunken night on the Black Magilla. A cargo
ship stocked to the brim with rum had just been raided and rum-soaked bananas
were being passed around til everyone was drunk and full! Yet for all this
merriment, Nevom was not pleased. He strode the decks, wondering, thinking to
himself "If I was captain, if I was captain." You see, Nevom felt Lif was too
lenient, so gentle, Lif never struck terror in the hearts of merchants, mostly
he struck annoyance, and anger. Lif wasn't much for setting enemy ships
with the entire crew tied below decks, or keeping the severed heads of other
pirate captains hanging from the crows nest. Real pirate stuff you know!
Nevom, now Nevom was the sort of individual who would be write at home with
good old fashioned raiding of fishing villages, raping and pillaging, really
tearing up the place. He had always felt he was a true pirate, and most of
these poor sobs were just in it for the free liquor.
Inevitably, when one feels superior to his superiors he begins to get notions
taking over. Nevom hours that night, plotting, thinking, talking to himself a
lot (which was probably why he was alone) and thinking some more. He decided
that real pirates take action. They don't wait, they don't stop. He was
to take over the ship. There were some good men, men who knew what a real
pirate was. Once they saw him step up, they would fall right in line. Like
pirates should. And any who didn't step in line, well, he was sure they could
find a small boat somewhere near by that could be set on fire with some non-
falling-in-liners in it! Yes! We must assume he said to himself, since all
good mutineers and traitors often make exclamatory remarks upon deciding to be
mutineers and/or traitors. Yes! He would take over the Black Magilla, and he
would do it tonight!.
And so the festivities went on, pirate monkey males got drunk, they chased the
few pirate monkey females. Of course being a pirate monkey female means that
they were rather rough and usually the male chasing them ended up with a few
less teeth. But it was all-in-all a good night. Even the cook, that
ambiguous species was having a rousy singsong with the boys. As the sun came
up, the drunk and happy pirates went to bed, adrift in a calm clear sea. (Of
course that was wildly unsafe, due to patrol boats and angry merchants
stumbling upon them, but hey, who hasn't forgotten to lock up after a wild
of drinking.) And then, that evil little monkey, who we had so nicely put out
of our mind during the party scene, made his move.
He crept quietly down through the decks, avoiding the messing of vomit and
bananas and rum. He moved silently until he came to the cabin of Lif, he
the door ajar, and sidled in. In a great heap in the middle of the floor was a
mass of pillow and banana peels and one of those pirate females mentioned
ealier. Slowly, ever so slowly, Nevom pulled his dagger from its sheath. And
then even slower still pulled a second, and then, the slowest yet he stood on
one foot and pulled a third with his other. Finally, poised to strike, he let
out a terrible war cry and leapt!
We have to break for a moment here and explain, monkeys are fond of warcries.
They feel letting loose a primal angry scream helps make up for their smaller
stature, and well amusing funny grins. Of course, this being a boatful of
chimps, the warcry was in itself amusing to us, but to another monkey while
finding it an amusing noise, they at least pretend to be terrified by it.
...and leapt! Three daggers stabbed viciously into the center of the pillowed
mass. Time after time the daggers stabbed, feathers and clothe flew wildly,
each time he felt the rewarding sensation of warm liquid coating his blades
matting the fur on his hands. It took him rather a few seconds to realize the
warm coating was quite liquidy, and not that sort of viscus texture blood was.
It also smelled like a rather good vintage of rum. The final clue Nevom
was when he pulled back one his of daggers with a leather flask still
It was around this time, as it normally is in these stories, that Lif cleared
his throat from the doorway to his private bathroom (monkeys are very clean).
Nevom stood for a moment, considering his position. Surely he could run and
strike down Lif, but his wild yelling and stabbing had awoken the lovely lass
and at least one or two monkeys were stirring outside. He decided he had only
"Cockroaches sir, half a dozen of them were crawling to the lady. I felt I
should kill them."
Lif, being a gentle sort as previously mentioned, thanked Nevom and sent him
away. He was tired and drunk and wanted to continue the lovely chat he had
his lady friend the night before. Of course, he also let his first mate know
that Nevom should probably be stuck on a few continous shifts in the crow's
nest. But surely that was just a scheduling error.
The moral of this little tale, you may ask? Stay in school.