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Library: Bat Fiction - a bard play by Ecky and Tolkvon
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Author: ecky
Date:Oct 30 2018
%As the play begins, lights in amphitheatre go dark and curtains on the stage
open. Voice starts speaking.
%Voice says 'Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends. We're so
glad you could attend. Come inside, come inside.'
%Voice says 'Evening's play is called Bat Fiction and the lead role is played
by adventurous musician Tolkvon, and the supporting roles by his colleague
Ecky.'
%Voice says 'It was a perfect day in Bat realm. Monsters were being slayed,
Xlinks mom was being mentioned, that one chinese dude was robotting away like
there was no tomorrow and Badhan was idling at Vlad.'
%Voice says 'In the headquarters of house of Kebab in Dortlewall, a merry
group of midbies are enjoying their lunch after a nice morning exp party. They
had succesfully slaughtered some golems and bunnies.'
%Voice says 'Meanwhile, the iron portcullis creak and two shining figures
appear to the Crystite Plaza. Few moments later there is a knock on the door
of the clubhouse.'
%Voice says 'Ecky the Troll opens the door, with mouth full of food. There are
two persons standing in the hallway, one is a duck, another is a shadow. Both
are obviously nuns.'
%Duck says 'Hey kids'
%Voice says 'There is silence in the house of Kebab. Ecky is now standing in
the doorway facing the two nuns. With him in the room are another troll and a
centaur.'
%Duck says 'How are you boys doing?'
%Duck and shadow step inside, but no one answers.
%Duck says to the shadow: 'Am I already this drunk, or did I just ask a
question?'
%Ecky says 'We're doing okay'
%As Ecky speaks with the duck, the shadow creeps behind the three midbies.
%Duck paces around, saying: 'Do you know who we are?'
%Ecky says 'I do have a vague idea.'
%Duck says 'Well, we're associates of your former business partner Zerks
Douchebag. You remember your business partner, don't you?'
%Duck says 'Now sweetheart. I'm going to take a wild guess here. You're Ecky,
right?'
%Ecky nods.
%Ecky says 'Indeed I am.'
%Duck says 'I thought so. Well you do remember your business partner from
House of Gentlemen, don't you Ecky?'
%Ecky says 'Yes, I remember him.'
%Duck says 'Good for you. Seems like we caught you at lunch. Sorry about that.
What are you guys eating?'
%Ecky is looking confused.
%Ecky says 'Hamburgers...'
%Duck says 'Hamburgers. You've named yourself as house of fucking kebab and
you eat hamburgers?'
%Duck says 'What kinda hamburgers?'
%Ecky says 'Cheeseburgers.'
%Duck says 'No I mean where did you get them. At Ugly Joe's, Last Keg, The
Nugget or where?'
%Ecky says 'We got them from The Deep One.'
%Duck says ' The Deep One? It's that dwarven burger joint in Tyr Farwyn,
right? The chef is a hobbit called Hans or something. I heard the dwarven
cuisine is god damn awful. I ain't never had one myself. How are they?'
%Ecky says 'They're good.'
%Duck says 'Mind if I try one of yours?'
%Ecky says 'Well, no. I guess.'
%Duck grabs the Triple Deep One with Cheese and takes a bite of it.
%Duck mumbling with it's beak full of burger: 'That is a tasty burger indeed.
Tikku, you ever tasted a Triple Deep One with Cheese
%Tikku says 'Hey, shut up! You revealed my name to the audience!'
%Duck says 'Ah sorry. maybe they didn't notice.'
%Tikku goes 'TSK!' disapprovingly.
%Tikku says 'Well I haven't tasted it.'
%Duck holds out the Triple Deep One with Cheese.
%Duck says 'You wanna bite, it's really good.'
%Tikku says 'I ain't hungry, you twat.'
%Duck says ' Well, if you like hamburgers, give them a try sometime. Me, I
can't usually eat em, cause I got to think about my waist. Shar and Kroko
prefer their tarmaslave petite and slim, but I sure love the taste of a good
burger.'
%Duck prances around.
%Duck says 'So Ecky, do you know what they call Quarter Pounder with Cheese in
Shadowkeep?'
%Ecky says 'No, I don't'
%Duck says 'Tell him Tikku'
%Tikku says 'Royale with cheese.'
%Duck says 'Royale with cheese, yeah. You know why they call it that, Ecky?
You know why?'
%Ecky thinks for a moment.
%Ecky says 'Umm, because of the metric system?'
%Duck says ' Check out the big brain on Ecky here. You're a smart guy for a
troll, that's right.'
%Duck points at a small barrel of pixie-ale.
%Duck says 'What's in this?'
%Ecky says 'Pixie-ale.'
%Duck says 'You mean 'sprite', right?'
%Duck slaps a thundering high-five with himself.
%Duck says 'Come on it wasn't that bad a joke. Mind if I have some of your
tasty beverage to wash this down with?'
%Ecky says 'Well, sure.'
%Duck takes a small barrel of pixie-ale.
%Duck drinks from a small barrel of pixie-ale.
%Duck stumbles and nearly falls down.
%Duck says 'Mhmm. Hits the spot. Now you. You know what we're here for?'
%Darna nods.
%Darna says 'Yes.'
%Duck says 'Now why don't you tell my friend Tikku here where you have the
shit hid.'
%Alistar says 'It's in t..'
%Duck says 'I don't remember asking you a goddamn thing.'
%Duck says 'So, you were saying?'
%Darna says 'It's n, e, 2 n from here'
%Tikku leaves north.
%Tikku arrives from north.
%Tikku opens the small wooden money-coffer labeled as zekes_money
%Tikku looks at the small wooden money-coffer labeled as zekes_money
%Duck says 'We happy?'
%Tikku nods.
%Tikku says 'We're happy.'
%Ecky says 'Look, what's your name. I got his name's Tikku, but what's yours?'
%Duck says 'My name is Anatea and you ain't talking your ass out of this
shit.'
%Ecky says 'I just want you to know how sorry we are about how fucked up
things got between us and Mr. Zerks. When I joined the house of gentlemen I
only had the best intentions..'
%Anatea is looking slightly gay in his bra.
%Anatea starts concentrating on a spell.
%Anatea is done with the chant.
%Anatea praises the saints and raises Celestial crosier of Las while
exclaiming (holy bolt)
%The environment blurs with intense silvery light as IMMORTAL presence of Las
fills Anatea's soul. Air thunders around him as immeasurable amount of energy
is drawn in him, lifting his body high in the air. At the peak of his might he
yells in celestial trance 'MY LIFE FOR LAS!'
%Surges of holy force coil around Anatea's Misty Rosary forming a vibrating
bolt of divine energy. Anatea twists his wrist and bolt hurls through the air
detonating on Darna
%Darna lapses into unconsciousness from severe loss of blood.
%A large hole replaces Darna's face.
%Darna is DEAD, R.I.P.
%Darna dies.
%Darna's corpse is collected by Death, clad in black.
%Darna (ghost): no voi vittu.
%Ecky eeps fearfully.
%Anatea says 'Oh, I'm sorry. Did that break your concentration. I didn't mean
to do that. Please continue. I believe you were saying something about "best
intentions"?'
%Ecky shuts up.
%Tikku pisses on Ecky's mouth.
%Anatea says 'What's the matter? Oh, you were through anyway? Well let me
retort. Would you describe for me what Zerks Douchebag looks like?'
%Ecky ponders about his deepest dreams, worst nightmares.
%Anatea snaps and SAVAGELY TIPS over the picnic table the newbies had set up
for their dinner.
%Anatea says 'What country you playing from?'
More (67%) [qpbns?]
>
%Ecky looks very confused.
%Ecky says 'What?'
%Anatea shouts 'What ain't no country I know! Do they speak english in What?'
%Ecky says 'What?'
%Anatea says 'English, motherfucker, can you speak it?'
%Ecky says 'Yes.'
%Anatea says 'Then you understand what I'm saying?'
%Ecky says 'Yes.'
%Anatea says 'Now describe what Zerks Douchebag looks like!'
%Ecky goes huh? looking like he didn't quite get it.
%Anatea whips out his Celestial crosier of Las and presses it hard against
Ecky's cheek, ewww!
%Anatea says 'Say what again! C'mon, say What again! I dare you. I double dare
you motherfucker. Say what one more time.'
%Ecky shuts up.
%Tikku pisses on Ecky's mouth.
%Anatea says 'Now describe to me what Zerks Douchebag looks like!'
%Ecky says 'Well, he's big and ... highbie ... and ...'
%Anatea says ' Does he look like a bitch?'
%Ecky says 'What?'
%Anatea looks tiredly at Tikku.
%Anatea raises his hands, gazes up and chants 'Avee Avee Aveallis'.
%A celestial spark hits Ecky
%Ecky screams in pain!
%Anatea says 'Does. He. Look. Like. A. Bitch?'
%Ecky says 'No!'
%Anatea says 'Then why did you try to fuck him like a bitch?'
%Ecky says 'No I did not!'
%Anatea says 'Yes you did, Ecky. You tried to fuck him. You ever read the
bible?'
%Ecky says 'Maybe?'
%Anatea says 'There's this passage that seems to fit this situation. Ezekiel
25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities
of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men."'
%Anatea says '"Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will,
shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his
brother's keeper and the finder of lost children"'
%Anatea says '"And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and
furious anger those who attempt to poison my brothers."'
%Anatea says '"And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance
upon you."'
%Anatea starts concentrating on a spell.
%Alistar hums a little tune.
%Anatea fails miserably in her spell.
%Tikku falls down laughing.
%Anatea starts concentrating on a spell.
%Ecky says 'It's ok, take your time. We're not in a hurry.'
%Tikku goes 'TSK!' disapprovingly at Ecky.
%Anatea is done with the chant.
%Anatea praises the saints and raises Celestial crosier of Las while
exclaiming (holy bolt)
%The environment blurs with intense silvery light as IMMORTAL presence of Las
fills Anatea's soul. Air thunders around him as immeasurable amount of energy
is drawn in him, lifting his body high in the air. At the peak of his might he
yells in celestial trance 'MY LIFE FOR LAS!'
%Surges of holy force coil around Anatea's Misty Rosary forming a vibrating
bolt of divine energy. Anatea twists his wrist and bolt hurls through the air
detonating on Ecky
%Ecky lapses into unconsciousness from severe loss of blood.
%A large hole replaces Ecky's face.
%Ecky is DEAD, R.I.P.
%Ecky dies.
%Ecky's corpse is collected by Death, clad in black.
%The scene is over. The curtains close. Voice speaks: 'And this was the play
called "Bat Fiction." Thank you all. The exists are behind you, hope you
enjoyed the play.'
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