Wizardslog Stardate 2508071910 EET

Well I am on my way back from Rovaniemi/Oulu/Helsinki once again, only to
return to Helsinki in 2 weeks for the christening ceremony of my finnish
godchild. The Con was really nice though my mental problems have been
influencing me a bit more than usually during the last 10 days or so.
Sometimes I think it does it on purpose just to make sure I can't enjoy myself
and or life for too long. But well I guess I have to work with what I have
though hell that is a bitch sometimes. But well I guess I shouldn't whine that
much but work on it if I'm not happy. Actually Laaban gave me a few rather
wise words when he told me that he really doesn't like to do useless things
and somehow that makes me think about all the things I am doing which are
rather useless or seem to be and about all the things I should do which I
don't. All in all I can feel a lil crisis I slipped in after seeing so many
couples the last week. Laaban, Walor, Grediah, Dreoca/Maejt and a lot more got
kids recently and almost all of them are younger than I am. My former best
friend ended the friendship with me sorta and now is married and has a kid...
Alas, I am living home with my parents and doing a job I for sure didn't need
to graduate for. I often wonder how my life is developing and alas I dunno
whether I like it. When I was 15 and thought about my life when I'd be 30 it
wasn't the way it is nowadays. Maybe I'm just caught up in one of my spirals
of pondering again. and maybe this and maybe that and maybe who knows. Maybe I
should just accept that I'll never be bold and beautiful or maybe I should
work my ass off to become. Who knows? I'd be happy about ideas. Is anyone even
reading my stupid Blog anymore? I never wanted to become a happy happy joy joy
robot and yet I envy those who are... 

On a side note I got my first professional massage this week and hell I
enjoyed it, even though places on my body hurt where I didn't know I HAD
muscles:P. Maybe I should have known when he told me 'Well, I'm not gonna
tickle you, so relax.'I have hopes though that regular treatings of that sort
would finally help me getting rid of my head and backache. Weirdly I couldn't
relax in the beginning.. guess it's not everyday that some muscular guy is
kneading ur back like a damned loaf of bread dough :P.

Somehow sitting in an airplane still makes me feel better somehow. Thousands
of meters over the ground it just seems like all my shitty problems are so
useless.... and yet they travel woth me as they are in my head and that,
however, is always with me. (On a side note, we have a female captain today
whee :) ).

Oh well a turbulent week. But I met GGR again, I saw Grediah, his wife and
son, and I could lure Keat out of his place to meet me which was a particular
cool thing... plus I took part in the far famed Helsinki Night of the arts. It
still didn't give me that special someone though for whom I have been looking
that long again... maybe I should give up in that compartment too and just
trust that either someone will walk into my life or I'll just be a stupid
single hermit.... think cheerful thoughts Femmie.. think cheerful thoughts...
guess it just would be very nice to cuddle again and for a change with someone
else than my Teddybear.