It was heaven while it lasted
it was great when it began
Now the dreams they all got blasted
And the luck? Away it ran!

Jewels, Gold and idle words
nothing brings you back to me.
A single glance from you it hurts
and takes away my lonely glee.

Can't be with you so they say
Can't be without you so I know.
Are you standing in my way
or do you tell me where to go?

It get's better I have heard
I don't know who dare say so
I am waiting, future blurred, 
Goodbye my love, goodbye my beau.

Quicksand catches me and while I fall
I wonder what is there to come. 
Slowly choking me.
Engulfed by Golden Dust.
Snowing, Twirling. 
Spiralling downwards.
Into the bottom of Infinity.
A life. Many lifes?
Measured in an hourglas.
People in funny clothes
Singing and thinking
they are closer to God.
Falling deeper.
I'm the Dust.
What is the Hourglas?

Wizards log.
on the flight back to home... but then again where IS home. Today I'm flying
to Germany and alas I am not sure where home is anymore. But maybe that is
what makes these times so interesting. Obama just got elected to president and
it has been ages since I last time blogged. Maybe there IS hope for this world
after all. At lease I have been feeling really good during the last few months
which truly is feeling GREAT for a change. I guess the shadopw has been part
of my life for way too frakking long. So what has happened since i last
blogged... Not that anyone reads this anyway.. I made a short visit to the USA
with my friend Paula from Rovaniemi (yeah yeah we didn't burn it all down)
which was truly great. Of course it is always weird to be with someone for
24/7 after being accustomed to a life alone but that was OK for 4 days. Sadly
I missed Kepucon for this but well one can't have everything. I also left
Finland out of my life for almost 3 months... some love issue made me flee the
land of my dreams and cower in or on my german sofa. Buuut I'm back now. I
also got a promotion beginning with next year which is also a nice boost to my
ego after I had to fight for it for almost a year together with the
Luottamusmies. It took tons of my energy but hell it also kicked my butt into
moving it finally. So Funland held 2 weeks for me this time which truly was
the longest time I have been there and hell I could have stayed there longer.
200 hours of plus work allow me not to work this year at all anymore which
should serve me fine for some more visits to Finland. Today even the people
who do the check in at the airport in Helsinki recognized me again :P. That's
a sure sign :P. On a side note I have been watching waaaay too many series
recently.... There is just too much good stuff going on nowadays. Sad thing
that they cancel the good stuff after a few series. My current favorite is
Carnivále... really good stuph. I allowed some luxury for me today and bought
a ticket in Business class... meaning a few Gin Tonics for me :
). And space enough to watch stuph on my Laptop.

Every night and every morn Some to misery are born. Every morn and every night
Some are born to sweet delight. Some are born to sweet delight, Some are born
to endless night.

William Blake Auguries of Innocence

I got dumped. Being the usual me I strongly think about flying back to my lil
snail-house in Germany barricading myself there.
That would make my longest planned trip to finland my shortest with 3 nights.
We will see. Feeling like I'm turning crazy. Hooray. 

captains Blog...
T'has been some long while since I was writing fore the big wide Batworld so
maybe it's time for a few words again. Like usually when I'm writing Blog, 
I'm sitting in an airplane, this time on my way back home to Germany. Luckily 
or unluckily I didn't get many shifts this month which means that I could stay
in Finland a bit longer than usually. All in all it was a very nice trip
again. I saw Glenfast and his band playing at The Factory ... and yeah he does
still remind me of the 'Animal' at the Muppet Show when playing those drums,).
I also had a couple of very bad days afterwards... I guess the Krapula and
Morkkis managed to get some Depression shite of mine to boil up again and that
truly wasn't a very happy experience... I also could enjoy Laabans massage
arts which made me purr and almost drool again.. the guy is a master with his
hands. (OK that sounded kinky,) ). Today ended a bit hectic... beloved fellow
Wizard Henri promised me a ride to the airport but failed utterly which mixed
up my plans a bit .... I just ended running to the bus instead. On a bonus
side, I gained some levels for the stuff I did for the Mage guild... I guess I
slowly move up my ranks,) Still a loooong, looong way to go :). Finished
watching Victoria Mars some days ago and gotta say its a hell of a good
series. Sad they didn't continue making it. Concerning RL, I applied for a bit
better job at the airline than the one I have currently, though that will mean
going through some employment tests and psychologist talks which means I'm not
sure whether I'll get it or even IF I'd get it, whether I'd want it... but
alas.. it was worth the challenge or something. Hehe.. they just announced
over the intercom that one of the flight attndants just became father for the
second time.... People die and people are born... circle of life somehow
again. 

Wizards Blog Stardate 021207
On the way back to Germany again.. seems life runs in circles and weird ones
at that. Sometimes a week passes so fast and sometimes it seems as if time is
almost standing still. Spent another very nice week in Finland including
meeting a couple of new friends and re-meeting many old ones. Alas, this trip
will surely show on my credit card bills again.. boozing and eating out takes
its toll I guess... but well I won't be able to take my money with me into the
grave so I should just shuddup and enjoy. Conquer managed to get his skinny
butt to Finland and was staying at our place for the weekend. We managed to do
some stuph which was nice and I got to know him better which always is nice.
But well... time was running fast and as it is my Dad's Bday tomorrow I sorta
felt socially obliged to fly to Germany today. I'm definitely looking forward
to my mums cooking though Im SO not looking to see my fellow germans again...
somehow I just dislike most of my fellow countrymen... Blah I'm cranky (not
that that's something new) I guess it's because I only caught around 4 hours
of sleep last night. We had some Sauna action going on and afterwards I was
tossin and turnin for over 2 hours till I finally managed to get some
shuteyes... Originally I wanted to take the late flight but as Kimvais was
giving Conquer a ride to Joensuu around noon I decided to take the chance and
begged him to toss me out at the airport so that I managed to get the earlier
flight which will give me 5 more hours in Germany... which I now will prolly
spend sleepin after all but well... I'll see what happens. My usual waiting
technique turned out to be succesfull again and I ended with a whole row of
the airplane for myself... 3 seats are just about what I need to feel
comfortable:). Now I need my beer and some food and I'm all purring. Damned
after one and a half weeks of Ramen and frozen Pizza I am drooling for food.as
in for real food. It was truly rewarding to meet Conquer again (yeah yeah I'm
jumping through topics here..).. I also saw Anselmi, Dreo
cas and Maejts son and my Godson again who truly is a rocking kid. But well
Germany waits Germany waits... I have high hopes to come back in two weeks to
Funland again already though as it seems the far famed Tuska+ Pikkujoulut is
taking part then

Alas you don't want wine with me!

I'll turn around and go, I flee.

'cause you decide against a drink

I gladly offered with a wink..

but as you decide against my face

I will go, it's not my place

for me to tell you what is best

in yor life - though I won't rest

till I find another mate

for a pint .. it's not too late.

WizardsBlob äh Blog Sitting at the airport of Helsinki Vantaaa and (wonder oh
wonder) pondering about life in general and my life specially. Finally I
managed to stay in Finland for longer than only one damned week. It was a busy
visit yet again and yet again I feel as if I didn't really get anything done.
After having lost around 7 kg in Germany by torturing me 5 weeks without a
drop of alcohol or sweets I am quite sure that the finnish beer did what it is
best in namely giving me back at least 5 of those 7 kilos... in which case
I'll sit down and cry......miserably... Anyway, my airline managed to delay my
flight for 10 minutes so far but knowing the industry I'd be surprised if it
stays with ten... if they bother to tell you about 10 minutes delay it's a
sure sign they expect more... or then again they are just honest finns....
I'll see. The visit started with me having a German Coworker and friend with
me for 4 days in my humble abode of Leppävaara. At least it allowed me to be a
tourist in Helsinki again and I saw some things I haven't seen before (The
Olympic stadium and the adjacent Wintergarden...). On a side note I could have
survived without both but hell... My friend is a photographer and took about
God knows how many pictures including one of your humble writer which now is
happily on my facebook account. Damned Facebook... I found myself semi
addicted to this stupid net society thingy and am spending way too much time
trying to check whether someone cool left me a note. While talking about
spending waay too much time... Dazzt gave me a free fix on Civilization IV
which ended in the usual Civ addiction .. thus I ordered the complete pack of
it and the 2 addons which should reach me in Germany in a few days and keeping
me occupied for some while at least. The shifting between worlds is getting
harder and harder for me to stand somehow... it's so frakking sad each time I
have to change between worlds like right now. Last night I saw and played with
my Godson and it is so damned amazing how fast they gro
w and how much they develop.. He was born around the time my friend Lauri -
Enochian died and I ever so often miss and think about Lauri. Blah... sigh.
Maybe he is in a better place now but who knows and well do we really want to
know. I am so grateful for my job which gives me the possibility to live in 2
different countries though I really really really should decide about one of
them sooner or later... preferrably sooner. At least I should really start
working on my finnish. It's such a great language and I have been living here
for over a year and been travelling here for what? 3 years? 4? 5? I shouldn't
be so lazy! Mhh the sun is shining :). I managed to sleep a whole of 5 hours
or so last night... Civ kept me awake and I promised Bestrafer Morning Sauna
in happy exchange for a ride to the airport. Seems I'll miss the party event
of the year (besides my 30th Bdayparty of course) in 3 days... Mizos brother
is having one of his far famed Halloween parties... sadly I have a mandatory
work meeting tomorrow on the 1st of Nov. I applied for an interdepartmental
(is that a word??) exchange event... they had 160 people applying and only 36
places so they made a lottery and I'won'.. which means that I have the honor
(sic.) to attend some kick off event tomorrow including lotsa talks and Dining
with our station leader. Whee -  at least the airplane has arrived in
helsinki... now old passengers out, cleaning in, waste out, cleaning out ,
food in and then time to enter.... so again at least 30 min of waiting.. maybe
the 10 min delay will indeed stay with 10. I guess I'll watch some movie and
try to relax meanwhile.

Wizardslog

Again Im up up in the sky, this time flying back to Germany after another 10
day interesting stay in my home away from home which feels more like home than
the other home... Finland. Life has beenmtaking interesting turns again and at
least I hope the turns will go in the right direction. We had a nice Wizard
Sauna last week which hopefully will be repeated as it proved fruitful for all
attendants... or so I like to think. Again the question arose whether I don't
move to Finland for good... damned decisions...

Wizardslog Stardate 2508071910 EET

Well I am on my way back from Rovaniemi/Oulu/Helsinki once again, only to
return to Helsinki in 2 weeks for the christening ceremony of my finnish
godchild. The Con was really nice though my mental problems have been
influencing me a bit more than usually during the last 10 days or so.
Sometimes I think it does it on purpose just to make sure I can't enjoy myself
and or life for too long. But well I guess I have to work with what I have
though hell that is a bitch sometimes. But well I guess I shouldn't whine that
much but work on it if I'm not happy. Actually Laaban gave me a few rather
wise words when he told me that he really doesn't like to do useless things
and somehow that makes me think about all the things I am doing which are
rather useless or seem to be and about all the things I should do which I
don't. All in all I can feel a lil crisis I slipped in after seeing so many
couples the last week. Laaban, Walor, Grediah, Dreoca/Maejt and a lot more got
kids recently and almost all of them are younger than I am. My former best
friend ended the friendship with me sorta and now is married and has a kid...
Alas, I am living home with my parents and doing a job I for sure didn't need
to graduate for. I often wonder how my life is developing and alas I dunno
whether I like it. When I was 15 and thought about my life when I'd be 30 it
wasn't the way it is nowadays. Maybe I'm just caught up in one of my spirals
of pondering again. and maybe this and maybe that and maybe who knows. Maybe I
should just accept that I'll never be bold and beautiful or maybe I should
work my ass off to become. Who knows? I'd be happy about ideas. Is anyone even
reading my stupid Blog anymore? I never wanted to become a happy happy joy joy
robot and yet I envy those who are... 

On a side note I got my first professional massage this week and hell I
enjoyed it, even though places on my body hurt where I didn't know I HAD
muscles:P. Maybe I should have known when he told me 'Well, I'm not gonna
tickle you, so relax.'I have hopes though that regular treatings of that sort
would finally help me getting rid of my head and backache. Weirdly I couldn't
relax in the beginning.. guess it's not everyday that some muscular guy is
kneading ur back like a damned loaf of bread dough :P.

Somehow sitting in an airplane still makes me feel better somehow. Thousands
of meters over the ground it just seems like all my shitty problems are so
useless.... and yet they travel woth me as they are in my head and that,
however, is always with me. (On a side note, we have a female captain today
whee :) ).

Oh well a turbulent week. But I met GGR again, I saw Grediah, his wife and
son, and I could lure Keat out of his place to meet me which was a particular
cool thing... plus I took part in the far famed Helsinki Night of the arts. It
still didn't give me that special someone though for whom I have been looking
that long again... maybe I should give up in that compartment too and just
trust that either someone will walk into my life or I'll just be a stupid
single hermit.... think cheerful thoughts Femmie.. think cheerful thoughts...
guess it just would be very nice to cuddle again and for a change with someone
else than my Teddybear.

Wellwellwell... this is certainly not exactly working the way I planned.
Kepucon is coming up and I'm in a plane .. that much is right. What's wrong is
that I had to get up at 5 AM, had less than 5h sleep and will continue to
Rovaniemi instead of Oulu... it's all not exactly helping to my already
agitated state of mind. It's funny that a person who travels once a month is
nervous about travelling.. especially if that person is working for an
airline. But well the brain is a funny weird lil thing, isn't it.. Hmpf the
guy next to me just asked me what I'm watching .. I mean hello how rude can
you be.. if I peak onto someones screen, I don't make comments about it do I?
Oh well... were was I .. oh yes... whining about my day :P. I got the seat at
the emergency exit which means I got space for my legs but its cold.. first
time in centuries I asked for a blanket on a short flight. I'll have two hours
in Helsinki, then flying to Rovaniemi where I'll have another couple of hours
till Mace will pick me up and go to Oulu which will be another 3hour ride or
so. I somehow start doubting this all was a great idea but well I'm sure I'll
think differently about it once the con is over and I can sleep some. Maybe I
should take the chance and sleep a bit in the plane now though I'm usually to
stressed to do so. Blah.-----3h later whee I'm in the plane to Rovaniemi.
Paula a friend of mine called though and informed me that she can't make it to
the airport so I'll have to get my butt to downtown Rovaniemi... I better hide
my matches *GRIN*. For the first time in my life I did what I see many
passengers doing every day at my airport.. I found 4 empty seats and slept for
a bit which at least got my mood up a bit. Actually I gotta admit the seats in
Finnair are almost better than mine... Whee I just bought a beer in the
airplane :) First time ever I had to pay for it which is sorta funny...
glorious they only have Lapin Kulta here.. A co worker of mine recently was
surprised to hear that the stuff is lovingly called Reindeer Piss in 
Funland... as her father calls himself a true beer fan and was so proud he had
tried Lapin Kulta. Well Kippis dera Blogreaders... this beer is for Lauri...
fuck I still miss u Enochian.:(. I somehow wonder how funny it is that the
human brain seems to be able to endure so much pain. People survive death
camps, people survive crashes, accidents, deaths of their beloved and still go
on. Which in return makes me wonder why I have so much problems with coping
what stupid situations come up in my life but then again comparing lifes is
never working anyway... u'll always find someone who leads a better or a worse
life. I just sometimes wonder whether I would lead my liffe differently if I
could go back in time and change things... but then again thoughts like that
are in vain anyway aren't they. Maybe I should - for once - just shut up and
try to enjoy my life instead of suffer and whine and whine and suffer though
then again these character traits are belonging to me, aren't they.. would I
still be me if I would behave differently? Oh well... Con tonight. Friends,
Sauna and maybe a couple of beers. I don't think I'll drink too much this con
but well one never knows.. generally I'm just getting too old for these booze
excesses... I dunno whether Lauri's dead is influencing me or the fact that I
have seen some alcoholics around ... in any case I think I should cut back my
alcohol consumption. I guess it's a very tempting idea that alcohol usage is
making people feel better, taking their problems away..., but unfortunately
it's creating more problems than it takes away. Especially for people working
in shifts like me it is tempting to get a beer or two or three to get tired to
sleep to be able to be fit for work in the morning... or to take a beer or two
or three to reduce stress after a shitty day... but now approaching
Rovaniemi... Femko out.

Another nightshift and yet again time to think about life the universe and the
rest. The thing which truly influenced me most was the death of my friend
Enochian - Lauri Sipilä. Even though I have had some weeks to try to digest it
till now, I still can't. It seems his death was peaceful after all which at
least is soothing to know. I wish I could have been able to attend to his
funeral on saturday... unfortunately work crossed that plan for me. I guess I
could have made it if I had flown back the next morning but I can already
imagine Lauri standing on a cloud and laughing his smoky Lauri laugh at me if
I had done that. Aino and Kotivalo brought him a flower from me. Fuck 28 is
just not an age to die for anyone. It struck me as a slight shock today when I
realized that in all the years of friendship with Lauri and many others I
never heard or knew their rl surname... hell I don't even know the surnames of
2 of my 4 roomies in Leppävaara. It's sorta funny how unimportant a thing like
a surname becomes. Blah this ended up with me thinking about life again and
stuff... though I can imagine Lauri telling me just to shut up, chill and grab
a beer. Life is weird sometimes... I'll miss you Lauri.

Captains Blog Airportdate 014118072007

And - how could it be different- another nightshift. Luckily with my nicer
choice of coworkers tonight. Last months weeks had some stuff going on.
Dutchcon was a blast though there were also some not so nice happenings going
on -  ut well all in all it was not a bad thing that I decided to attend. Last
week I took a 3 day trip to Aachen including sidetrips to Belgium and the
Netherlands again... I returned with a trunk full of belgium beer. Luik -
Liege -  Lüttich was a very beautiful city though very dirty... last time I
saw a city that dirty it was Buenos Aires. All in all life is still expanding
into weird directions and I try to ride the wave of it sort of... I hate the
fact that we all have to grow up one day and the idea that I might be already
grown up without me noticing is even more comical. Anyway, I have been
shuttling for over a year by now from Frankfurt to Helsinki and even though it
is stress on some days it also is very rewarding for me to be able to live in
two worlds. It gives me possibilities to have friends in multiple places. It
is a bit troubling that I sometimes see my self as a guest or visitor in the
finnish world still on some days but I guess even that will fade away into
nothingness once the process of getting to know myself better will be ended.




 **

Wizards Log Batdate 0003-310507

Sitting at Nightshift once again thus enjoying another night of blogging and
watching Narnian Velho ja Leijona The Lion the witch and the wardrobe whatever
thing. Maejt and Dreoca lent me the DVD on my last trip during Eurovision and
I finally found the time to watch it as I think I developed a serious case of
Internet addiction and alas... no Net access here at work so I can blog
finally and watch the movie. It brings a few bad memories though as it is the
favorite book of my ex but well.... I should grow up finally though growing up
sucks... I guess the time of Peter Pan comes to an end for everyone one day
maybe though it's a sad thought to suddenly forget how to fly and be stuck on
the ground thinking grown up thoughts and behaving all serious. Blah. Well I'm
semi looking forward to the Dutchiecon though double beds do not strike me as
too cool when it comes to a drunken Finn (Sorry guys,) ) but well we will see.
Besides my oath never to play a stupid mmurpg again Geryon and Sarmangoth got
me into playing Lotro Lord of the Rings Online and so far it is a blast..
nicer to me than WoW somehow. 
Isn't it weird that grown ups do all these stupid things like working and
earning money only to spend it again and at some point forget that they once
believed in magic and Superpowers and all fancy things and then they turn into
some kind of weird rule riding, law citing monsters. Sigh. Oh well enough of
this.. I guess I always adapt too much to the mood of a movie Im watching. In
any case life has been OK in the last months or so. The commune of us is
really working fine and our new member has been a nice addition for us so far.
It's nice for me of course to experience these joys and problems of living
together especially as the only people I have lived together before were my
family. I'm looking forward to my Godchild as in Maejt's and Dreoca's baby
which is due soonish. I'm still so flattered and happy about it.

And welcome to another high above the sky blog. Sitting in an airplane always
invokes this feeling of calmness and tranquility in me. I know it shouldn't be
anything special for me anymore but alas it always makes me sorta happy. Don't
get me wrong.. I HATE the days till my flight. I am nervous, get diarrhea and
nightmares... but hell, once I am sitting IN the airplane I feel like ruling
my own little kingdom. I have to admit I was lucky today though. Kids, here
comes a hint for all u flyers out there: As soon as you can hear the magic
words 'Boarding is completed or Boarding completed' it means that there are no
more peeps coming into the plane... which in my case meant that I sneaked out
of my seat next to two somewhat overweight finnish ladies and into the first
row of economy which was empty. Thus I rule over 3 seats all for myself and
can eat and use the laptop as I have 3 free little tables to my disposal. But
how did it get to there today... Well after being out boozing in Kallios
finest bar 'Tauko' (Hell for 2 Euro beers I call almost everything fine)  with
Enochian, Nuane and Kotivalo I meandered to Tumuteis place where Gror was
already waiting. We killed the therefore bought 6 packs and moved on to Public
Corner where we met Ziba... Anyway at that point of the evening I was already
decided to take the later flight back to Germany today..So the 3:12 train to
Lepuski it was. There I went online and and and.. long story short I went to
bed late. Got woken up by Mizo who was around and wanted to give me a ride to
the airport for the earlier flight. After thinking about it for a few minutes
I decided that I prolly wouldn't do a lot at home till the late flight anyway
so I went. And well well well here I am. The week was truly fun again. Saw
some old friends. Spent a splendid night with my favorite bartender in the
Best bar in town - U. Kaleva. Got an AMOK CD from Zith so that I can now
listen to Inari Samish Rap. The shifting back to my other world will be
difficult again but well... I have to work somewhere
 and my job IS perfect for me atm... still it would be very tempting to spend
more time in Suomen Tasavalta than just a max of 2 weeks in a row. But hey...I
don't want to complain. One year ago I didn't even have the room with my
bestest Roomies of them all and I was just sad and miserable.. but I guess it
IS true and I always have to nag and whine about something ... Anyway... time
to go on with my double life from one extreme to the other. Absolute Aidin
Kulta in Germany and Partying Wiz in Finland... I wonder when and whether I'll
finally find equilibrium in my life. Darned.. the purser convinced me of
another beer.. this time a german one of course. I miss my Koff and Karhu.

Humankind is a funny funny thing. Or so it seems. As I mentioned I have seen
this Sunrise Avenue Gig last night in Tavastia. To be honest I never heard of
the band before and just went there as we got the free tickets because one of
my closest friends has been friends with their producer and keyboarder since
they have been 7. But anyway. So I went there, felt a bit old as there were
like 300 13 year old girls (yeah Tavastia needs u to be 18 but still I swear
they looked like 13) and didn't expect too much. The gig was rather nice
though (might have seemed that was as friends continuously bought me new
beers) and we chatted a bit with the keyboarder later on. So today I do some
research and find out that the singer is half german (No wonder all the girls
drool for him) and that they are indeed rather popular (Have been in the
German charts for a long while). Now that's the point where human nature kicks
in. Around 20000 years ago when I was still young, bold and beautiful, I
wanted to become an actor. It was my best subject in school and I even studied
it in university for some time at some point in my life. The dream died at
some point though and now I'm too old for anything like it but still I can't
help but feeling some mix of jealousy and envy and admiration for those who
actually make it into the limelight. Of course they prolly won't stay there
forever etc etc but still whenever I get in touch with someone 'famous'
through some pesonal level as in last night the friend of my friend. Like
always when it comes to self analyzing it helps to get the insight WHY we tick
this or that way but then again it doesn't really change THAT we do it. Well
well well current mood: Jealous of others - I guess.

Wizards Log. Sitting in Finland, eating karelian pies, and wondering whethwer
maybe I am living after all and not only existing. My day was rather
interesting, judging from the fact that I have lipstic on my tummy and pen
written all over my chest... Woke up at 11:45, got picked up at 12:00 by an
old friend who took me to his place for his wives Bday. Turned out I was the
only one there who wasn't part of the family which ended in the family telling
me that I am indeed part of it which in return made me blush. Kakku there made
me realize that the 79 cent karelian pies I usually buy can't compete with the
3 Euro ones from Fazer. Ended up playing with the daughter and the cat of the
family on the floor. Dunno what it is that draws both of them to me, 5 min
after I setle down. Continued to Cantina West where Hullu Huppu Jussis Bday
was taking part as well which I had to cancel as I had the other invite even
though the whole idea of doing sth for his bday was mine. Continued on to
Tavastia where a friend got us in for free as he is best friends with the
nights bands keyboarder. Ended up seeing and cheering for Sunrise Avenue
together with 400 13 year old girls or so it seemed. Made fun of the before
mentioned keyboarder after the gig backstage. It's fun to have friends. Stil
wondering what I do wrong what others do wrong. Samu the singer is 1 year
older than I am ... while I am single even 40 year olds wet their panties for
him. But well..... Met Purse whose first sentence was' Hey, have you gained
weight?' Mental note, time for a diet. Still enjoyed the whole night
tremendously. Friends continued buying me drinks and even though I felt lonely
for maybe 30 min I have to sum it up as... I am happy to have friends. HAH
just logged on to my Email... and realized that someone I have had a crush on
for some while finally answered my mail. Fuck there IS a god maybe after all.
So yeah.. I'm happy. Please mark this in ur calendar and remind me of it.
Hugs.

  unfortunately life can be an awfull mess sometimes 
 and the worst part is 
 we all gotta walk through it alone 
 sometimes there are friends there 
 who walk with us 
 but they cant push us 
 they can walk next to us 
 till they make some weird turn 
 and we wonder but carry our walk 
 or stay standing

The Whiskey in question was a 1975 Dallas Dhu. The Distillery closed 1983.

In addition to that the daddy amd master of the cats and the daughters was
giving me the possibilty of tasting a 1975 whiskey from a distillery long
forgotten. Felt WOW to have a whiskey older and prolly more mature than I am.

So. I woke up cause of a friend offering to pick me up. I gut up, got dressed
and he picked me up. I sat down at his living room and within 20 min I had 2
cats and 2 little girls sitting on my lap.. I wonder whether I am emanating
some smell or what is it? The girls kept insisnting on kissing me and the cats
kept insisting on falling asleep on my lap... Yes I will never have kids or
cats on my own but still it makes me wonder what's wrong or right in my life.
The family didn't have any explanation themselves, stating that neither cats
nor daughters usually behave like that..........maybe my deodorant stopped
working...

Was asked to become Godfather today. One of the frakking happiest days in my
life :)

Lections to learn in life or mysteries to unravel.

-An ex is an ex is an ex. It's not a maybe we will see or a just think of me
for the rest of ur life and it will all be cool. An ex is an ex.. it is Over
nada finis ende aus

-To trust my heart or my brain with decisions. Any advice on that is highly
welcome!

-Don't feel guilty for decisions, Don't have bad consciences... Make a
decision and stand by it. Feeling guilty for your decision makes u look like a
fool.

-Try to see your qualities... We all have them. We all are cool at something
but bad at other things.

-See that everyone has skeletons in his hers its closet... No one is perfect
and comparing lifes is not a good way to go on.

Comments Welcome.

Another hope for New Years has died due to extensive finnish planning skills
or the lack thereof. Thanks and merry christmas.

Well. Started working again.. 2 days of early shift showed me, what I did NOT
miss in the last few months. November I didn't work at all and so far december
only held 3 night shifts for me till yesterday. In any case I thought I was in
some christmas mood till my hopes for new years eve at somne mökki finally
failed (Mental note, no finns can NOT plan) (If anyone wants a cuddly German
at his her its Mökki for New Years, please tell me) and I heard from a friend
of mine that aparently there will be some chtristmassy thing going on
partywise in my circle of friends tomorrow for which I am not invited. Well I
know what I should call my friends....Finns, not Germans at least. Blah. Merry
Xmas... I guess...

Another day another flight another blog... not that there is a lot to write I
fear... rather wondersome how I once managed to write blog every friggin 

day... nowadays it would prolly end like my diary entries as well... nothing
new, lay on the couch all day and played oblivion and chatted in mud. Well...
I 

almost cancelled this trip as I am sickish.. again seems as if I am allergic
gainst travelling... but i already took some homeopathic help on board and 

ordered two beer which hopefully manage to get me a bit calmer though i doubt
they will do anythin against my stomach flu thingy but I'll spare u the 

details after all  :P. Sooo as it seems I didn't find anyone to pick me up
from the airport (yes I'm a lazy bastard) I'll have to take the damned bus
which 

only leaves every hour and - of course in the same second my flight is
scheduled to land.. meaning one happy hour waiting at Helsinki vantaa
airport... oh 

well. Guess I'll hit the town tomorrow to finally end up in my livingroom
U.Kaleva baari in kalevankatu. Some friends might hopple over and so may u if
ur 

interested. Unless I ignore you but then again I only ignore one creature. Me
liking old finnish Tango still hasn't changed and I am still listening to 

Olavi Virta and co. and even consider buying more nex time I see some. (Yeah
yeah call me sick) Fun thing is that I would prolly declare anyone insane who 

would tell me that he she it likes german folk music... guess its a big part
that I don't understand much of what they are singing in finnish:). Blah feck
I 

hope this tummy flu thing isn't getting worse... it's not too cool to run to
the toilet every 30 min or so.. but hey I said no details.  Well anyway.. I am

in Finland for now... so feel free to sms hug yell call drink sauna with me.

Well Here I am once again flying back to moy other home, listening to Olavi
Virta singing some Tango. I actually bought a finnish Tango CD for my Dad who 

really liked finnish Tango when he heard some in the Men without past
Kaurismäki movie. I had a very nice evening in U.Kaleva again last night and
even 

though the beer is a bit more expensive than somewhere in Kallio it still is
my absolute favorite place to be in Helsinki. I was joined by Runeaxe, Ziba, 

Glenfast and Drifter which was nice again, plus I actually managed to take the
last train for a change. I'm -like usually- not too happy about going back to 

Germany.I always tell people to not 'Dream their life but live their dream'...
and here I am too wussie to listen to what my heart tells me to do namely 

just going to Finland. I just can't decide to give up everything I have
created and done in my life for 29 years and start anew ... at least not yet.
But oh 

well.. for nbow I have my Tango for which I ecen turned of my Jackie Brown
DVD. Irony of this whole trip this time is that I am only flying to Germany to

attend a family reunion which I might not evenmake now as my flight was almost
2 h delayed... But well my aunt is gonna keep me some food I hope. Dammit I 

really should start studying finnish harder.. these old finnish songs rock :)
blaaaaah and now my laptop battery is down to 10 % and complaining of wanting 

to be replaced but of course I neither have a spare battery nor any
possibility to charge it here above the air.. Oh well... laters then :)

Welcome to the exiting world of Femkoblogs from high above in an airplane.
After having enjoyed yummie pasta in tomato sauce and 2 beer (unfortunately
german beer though) I thought it would be time to add another of my fluffy lil
blogs to the collection. Unfortunately I am no longer leading with my blog
entries as some people use their blog for shamelessly mortal reasons like
putting their highest kills in there. Anyway here I am squished into the seat
cause the nice guy in front of me decided to put the back of his seat so far
back that I could count his hair if I wanted to. Unfortunately I couldn't
attend the Oulu Con I wanted a week ago as I ended up being sickish. I was in
bed for a week or so as the friggin cold I caught didn't decide to either
finally go away or fully bloom and hit me. In any case I'm still not 100% fit
but I'm on my way to Helsinki nevertheless if only for a few days. I guess my
sauna might cure me after all. Spare time wise I still play Wow But in the
last weeks the time I spent there grows less and less while my active time on
mud grows stronger and stronger so I guess it's only a question of time till I
will stop playing the game of the devil and come back to happy hippo mud as
'The mud is father, the mud is mother.' We will see we will see. I guess I
just need a few beer to feel better.

Well another day in the airplane and another short blog I guess. (I prolly
don't have anything better to do in here ,) ) Well another week in Hell's ink
I has passed and another busy week it was, ending in my thrice taking the 5.28
am train home instead of the last 1.47 am train... This meant that my sleeping
rythm is gone again. I did manage to get up at 11 today so that I could take
the earlier flight back home to enjoy some of my mothers cooking which is the
bestest on this world. The friggin Bus going to the airport reached Leppävaara
20 minutes too late which semi sucks ... then again I think I have never
experienced this particular bus to ever arrive on time so... Dazzt had a lil
Nokia toy the Nokia 770 at home with which I sort of fell in love.. no it is
not a phone but an internet tablet. basically a PDA with a big screen and WLAN
.. so u can use ur quality time on the toilet to surf the net or sit on a
terrace and mud ,). Well I actually already know that there is high chance
I'll buy me one though I neither have the money nor a real reason for it,) I
have this thing with lil toys sometimes. OMG Grizzt made me listen to the
Eläkeläiset version of my beloved Kraftwerk classic Das Model.. I thought
there is nothing worse than listening to Nalle speaking german,,, well thgere
is... it is Eläkeläiset singing in german... I still wonder how finns manage
to ALWAYS make it sound like porn when they speak german. Oh well work starts
again with a cuddly nightshift from the 2cnd to the third. Hm the third is a
national holiday.. wondering whether I get holiday payment for the hours on
the third... 10th and 11th of this month I get some first aid training course
which is nice as it means I get a free first aid course which is paid by my
company and even is in my paid working hours.. :) I think there are some
regulations saying that so and so many workers have do be trained first aid
helpers or something.. but well I'm sure it will be fun. (Tries to get himself
enthusiastic.) 

Juuuhuu
a new flight to Helsinki and a new Blog. So where to begin. My 

airline's flight was full so i took Finnair for this trip, 

meaning that I get Lapin Kulta instead of Warsteiner which 

actually suits me. Disadvantage is that the food is meat on this 

flight, while my airline has vegetarian food in Economy but 

well... not the worst thing. My day already is fully planned it 

seems. An old acquaintance is gonna pick me up from the airport 

to drive me home to Leppävaara where I'll just drop my bags only 

to head downtown again to meet a new friend for coffee and a 

couple of old friends for beer in U.Kaleva afterwards... I fear 

this evening will bring headache... we will see how long I will 

stay in the land of fun and beer and grumpy men this time. My  

maximum is a week till next saturday... unfortunately my 

Godfather has been in hospital in intensive care for almost a 

month now and it seems it is not looking too good... but well 

life goes on and I better should not think grim thoughts right 

now... Internetwise I have been doing too much WoW stuff and not 

enough Bat stuff I fear but I have hopes that this will change in 

the near future.. guess it just was/is nice to play and develkop 

a char again instead of designing them all the time. There are 

however some projects in  store for Batmud which I hope to 

complete sooner or later. Anyway if any of u esteemed readers are 

 in Helsinki this week, feel free to contact me for a beer or a 

coffee. **

Hello to Femkos nightshift Blog.
Here I am sitting at the airport, watching Hedwig and the Angry Inch and
contemplating about life, the universe and the rest. It's funny how fast time
goes sometimes when u don't want it to and how slow it stretches when u want
it to go faster, isn't it?! In any case it seems it is almost 1 year ago when
some important part of my life ended and a new stage started. I guess I'm in
my finnish period now after leaving my american period last year. Well my week
off starts at 6am tomorrow when I get out of my nightshift. I am not 100% sure
yet whether/when I'll fly to my 2cnd home this time. MY shifting days are what
I dislike most about these two home thing. Anyway... we will see what happens,
though I guess I'll spend some more time in Germany this time than usually.
Gnn that's when I should talk about me continuing my studies but I better will
try to forget about it for now before my happy happy depression comes creeping
out of somewhere deep and dark. All in all I am happier than before in my life
though.. but as friends of me once said 'Dirk seems to be only happy if he has
something to complain about'.... Well. I just should concentrate more on the
now and today than on the yesterday or tomorrow... but it is easier said than
done. Blah I wish I'd have some net connection here... 'Twas funny though..
when I called airport information earlier on, I recognized the voice which
answered me as it turned out to be an old friend I sorta lost contact with...
my co workers were wondering a bit when I asked for the telephone number and
email addie of her on the phone:P.
Grin.. it seems that whenever I'm writing Blog nowadays I'm barely adding
anything new  anymore... Should that make me wonder whether my life finally
reached a point of stagnation?

And another night in Nightshift... there I go with all my weird thoughts... 
Someone once said that thinking / pondering is good for the soul... I often
wonder about it.. There are some days when I wished I could simply turn off my
brain... then again I guess my lil quirks, fears, weird aspects are part of me
aren't they... Guess I wouldn't be the same without them and after all I guess
I wouldnt want to totally get rid of em... Maybe everyone who can glance into
other people's soul has to have dark spots and shadows on oneselves... (was
that word written correctly..?!) It's a bit like the clown with the lil tear
on the cheek... oh well .. don't want to whine too much ... weird how I often
feel like a teenager though those years are long long gone for me. Anyway. 2
days without work beginning tomorrow.. actually today . Hackop will prolly
call me at some point as I didn't catch him online anymore. So we will see
whether that will bring some alcohol or meeting. Later on that week some early
shift block will start ... meaning 7 or so of them ion a row which basically
is hell on earth for me... but well I might shift my biorythm to another time
zone going to sleep after the early shifts .

Whee welcome in the realm of Femko's weird nightshift rambling Blogs. Good
start for a blog now wasn't that. Ok.. anyway, first of 2 nightshifts today.
My esteemed coworkers left the room and I'm happily enjoying being alone now.
Hackop the long lost wizard will arrive in Germany in a few days and I'll do
my best to say him hello. Besides that life doesn't hold many new things. I'm
watching a swedish movie atm (yeah yeah sorry finns) and am once again
comtemplating over life and the long lost days of my youth ,). Ok ok.. I know
I know i sound corny... It's just that I often wonder whether I should have
enjoyed my teenager years a lot more than I did but whatever... Helsinki is
waiting for me at the end of the month and at least that is promising some
fun. Indeed an interesting life I'm living. My internal plan is to continue
the shuttling between here and there for a year and then revaluate.. hmm
reevaluate(?) the situation. Anyway... I should get some food before the
morning peak starts and work comes up again. Mmmhh salad:). Besides everything
else a friend of mine told me last night that she considers herself as
'otherkin' now now now if u don't know what that's about (like me) google it
and then tell me what I shall tell her. Blah this is one of the days when I
just wish I'd have a crate of beer here :P.. though I guess it wouldn't be too
good at work. Just some happiness would rock again... but I have high
expectations for the end of the month. It's just so  funny how I successfully
manage to feel lonely in the midst of a crowd.... 

And so it happens that I'm in an airplane again and again (wonder oh 

wonder) flying somewhere... in this case unfortunately in the direction 

of Germany which usually means I'm not the happiest man in the world but 

well. 4 nights have passed and it is time for me to get my butt and the 

attached parts of it to my working country Germany. Alas, I just finished 

 watching Harry Potter III on this my fluffy Laptop and now decided on 

Peter Pan maybe thus helping my dream to finally be free... but I'm 

rambling again. This Blog is dedicated to my 'mud Godchild' Jaro and his 

gorgeous Dad Grediah. I got my first piece of mail in my finnish 

apartment from Grediah's fasmily and it really really made my day. In any 

case after spending some hours in my favorite bar U.Kaleva again last 

night (No, I didn't have the balls yet to look into my wallet how much I 

spent) it -again- showerd that I belong to Finland .. it is so weird and 

I seriously cannot explain it... we will see what my life brings... it is 

a big adventure I guess and though my situation in life pains me ever so 

often, it still is my life after all. Only future will tell whether even 

more time of it will be spent in Finland ... though I already DO know the 

answer.... and Suomi it will be... question is only when and how. But 

those are smaller details.. it seems as if I have to chose between living 

 in a diamond cave in Germany where everything can cut me though its 

shiny and rich or a meadow in suomi where not everything is so shiny but 

then again sun shines into it. Oh well enough blabbering.... sorry for u 

guys who have to listen to this:). Anyway long story short.... Finland 

will be my future.**

[2~And yet another of my glorious 'blogs from above' today brought to you 

once again from on board one of my lovely airlines very own airplanes. 

Funnily enough one of the flight attendants used to be an old trainee of 

me... it yet remains to be seen whether I'll get super extra service 

today then or not ,). My old old friend Mr. Mizo from Batmud visited me 

for a week and left yesterday... funnily enough I will be sooner in 

Helsinki than him and he left 1,5 days ago. Well true I am taking an 

airplane and he is on his motorbike but still,). Life is full of funny 

coincidences... so it happened that Frostwolf logged on today and will 

give me a ride to Leppvaara to my place from the airport.. only this way 

I could use the convenient flight at 22:00 as it arrives at 1:20 and 

there are no busses anymore at that time. I'm looking forward to go to my 

 room again after 2 weeks. Helsinki gives me the peace of mind I need in 

my mind. Whee that sounded corny and still it is true. I somehow still 

feel like being imprisoned in between 2 worlds.. my tummy feeling urges 

to spend even more time in Finland while my head tries to keep me in 

Germany.. funny life indeed I am living. Anyway anyway.. where were we... 

well I was a happy tourist with Mizo. I sent my parents for a well earned 

vacation to northern italy / southern tyrol. So yesterday Mizo left, my 

parents arrived and I got ready to leave today. As usually I'm a bit 

nervous to meet someone new.. in this case lady Frostwolf. Work situation 

is getting a bit tough at home as well.. I hope I can continue to take my 

lengthy breaks from it to meander to my second home Helsinki. Well Well 

well I have had my 3rd Champagne and I even got a second serving of food 

which rocks. Well usually more food is loaded than consumed and the 

remaining food is tossed away but in any case it was a nice thing to get 

me some more. The pasta was just too delicious. Well Sauna and some cool 

beer is waiting for me in Leppvaara and I'm watching some DVD while 

flying above the earth.. life could be so easy, couldn't it... if only 

the beer and the flight and the DVD wouldn't have to be earned... Anyway 

no need to get sentimental again femko. Then again I still wonder whether 

anyone reads this or whether I stopped writing for others and am writing 

more for myself than for others. Anyway... All in all my dreams have started
to get a bit mixed up again which usually is a sign for not too good
situations mental-wise but this as well remains to be seen.**

There we go.. premier over premier... so here I'm sitting over the clouds  in
a fluffy airplane from my airline writing my blog again. I really should write
more again but I seriously wonder whether anyone really really reads the shit
I write here. Anyway. Watching Harry Potter II while I'm typing here. So let's
see.... My first 10 days in my home away from home in Helsinki or to be exact
Espoo or to be more exact Leppvaara are over and I am flying back home to my
other home:P. The last 10 days were really really great for me... Cutter,
Dazzt and Huppu welcomed me very very nicely in my new home and it means a lot
to me to suddenly have a 'real' place of my own. Not that my parents aren't
nice or whatever but well there is a huge difference between living with ones
parents and with having roomies for the very first time. The last 10 days also
had my first Juhannus in Finland. All in all I see difficult decisions coming
up... my heart truly wants me to go and live in Finland for even more of my
time, while my brain is trying to keep me in Germany. After all I DO have a
decent job which gives me tons of advantages. Blah better not to think about
it too much. Wish I could put in words what Finland means for me nowadays.
It's weird to live in 2 different worlds at once. We will see how my shuttling
plans between Helsinki and Frankfurt are going... at least I already started
calling Helsinki my home away from home. I have this true feeling that one day
I'll totally end in Finland but how or when this will be or how even to tell
THAT to my parents will be another interesting situation. I made a couple of
new friends and enjoyed hanging out in U.Kaleva my usual bar in Helsinki. It's
sorta more life there than just bare existing in Germany. Now now now.. don't
get me wrong. I treasure my parents and all the friends and people I have in
Germany dearly. Oh well... anyway time will show. Whatever happens it's
experience, that's what Mape once said to me and I have been thinking about
that ever so often since then. Work sta
rts again on Tuesday and I will see to it that I will enjoy my time in Germany
till then. Jenming once said to me that it always takes a few days for ones
soul to catch up with ones body when travelling with a plane. Steward comes
with food.. time to stop:).... and to order my beer and wine and and and and
and ,).

Blah only one beer.. oh well. On a side note I realized today that I fell to
place 4 of the friendship-plaque.. that's what I get for not attending 
Campcon and for starting WOW ,). I gotta admit that this is a rather nice way
to travel... can't wait to go on a long range flight again with my airline...
we offer Internet connection on board our long range flights. Would be sweet
to mud from above the clouds after all. I also gotta get a better client
going.. so far I'm on telnet when I mud from this laptop and it doesn't have
any local echo which does make it a bit difficult to really enjoy the game fun
I fear. 

Wheee! Another Nightshift.. and this time I'm typing ,y blog on my very own
brand new notebook I bought today.
Happy Happy Joy Joy! I ended up buying a Sony Vaio and well Im rather happy
with it though the big keys on the keyboard will need some getting used to I
guess. Besides that.. well big changes are coming and as you esteemed readers
of this my blog u should know that I'm not the worlds biggest friend of
change... but well I'm finally nearer to my big dream...  With the beginning
of this very month June in the year 2006 I am now a part time finn... I am
moving into the coolest commune there is namely THE Mud Commune of Cutter,
Dazzt, Huppu (in alphabetic order). Thanks go to Catherina who sponsored my
bed as she was moving as well. I will spent as much time as I have there which
is another reason why I purchased this darling called Notebook. Obviously I am
looking forward to the whole thing a lot but I wouldn't be me if I wouldn't be
also worried about it.. it is change and I don't tend to deal too well with
change.. anyway... I will see and keep u guys up to date. Other reasons which
sorta kept me away from mud is.. yes it is time I admit it... the evil virus
called WoW .. Don't get me wrong.. Mud will absolutely and never ever lose me
but it just is nice to be a player again for a bit and not a GM. But don't you
worry, a new area is on the way and alreadey sketched... it just needs content
now though all ideas already exist as well. Thanks of the day go to Qazar who
managed to draw me back into the world of the true believers namely all us
sweet mudders still hope to meet him asap. I did have huge plans for Juhannus
including a nice Mkki trip to Pudasjrvi near Oulu with Saa which had to be
cancelled... so it seems I'll stay in Helsinki for my very first Juhannus in
Finland.... unless one of u dear esteemed readers has better plans for us in
which case u gotta see to it to let me know those:). I still can't really
realize it.. I'm moving to Suomi.. if only for a week a month .. it means a
hell of a lot to me.

Due to manifold requests (Mazzon, Mazzon and Mazzon) I herewith open up my
Blogging tradition again...  And wonder oh wonder it's another nightshift I'm
spending right now at my favorite airport. (Darned.. another lie Helsinki is
my favorite one and I'm definitely not there at the moment.) Anyway. I sorta
stopped counting though  I should be able to reconstruct the number of my
visits to my favorite home away from home,  Helsinki. I spent New Years eve at
my favorite Mudding commune in Leppävaara (sheesh I hope I wrote that the
right way..)  and had another very very cool trip to the old old Mökki, far m,
whatever of Mizo's together with him, near Savonlinna.  Though the trip ended
with a LOT of alcohol in Helsinki and me being tossed out of a bar (YEAH I'm a
man now!),  it surely was a trip to remember. I myself am sorta mediocre
feeling atm... my past seems to take over again  and I'm battling some yuckie
thoughts which I though I successfully hid in some drawer somewhere...  well I
guess I gotta deal witzh some issues some point, though I'd prefer if it
wouldn't be right now...  I'm still looking for an affordable flat in Helsinki
 together with Ziba..so in case u have a heart for a Femko,  join the search.
Studies are still nil atm.. which prolly is one of the reason of my rather
stressed mental state. Wonder oh wonder why I can't get my ass into gear to
really start doing something... if I would concentrate on it I would be able
to graduate within less than a year... buit no oh no, damned Femko brain
decides differently. Blah.  Got a few days off at the end of the month so
maybe I'll go to Helsinki again, at least to pay U. Kaleva a visit and to  hug
some of my friends. I AM missing the city of eternal joy and sadness more than
a bit.. it really is my home away  from home and after more than 25 visits I
am likely to believe that I did indeed find my country in Finland. At least my
stages of general happiness seem to be longer there than here, which is a true
sign that somethign has to be changed.  Exactly a year ago I have been in the
US .. bittersweet memories which also try to creep into my already a bit
'shadowy' soul... I need some light again to drive it away :). shadowy soul
... nice word combo :)

Whee anniversary trip starting on the 16th. Trip number 25 starting tomorrow.
It will take me to Kerimäki which holds the largest wooden church in the world
or so I am told. One of my oldest and closest friends Simo (Mizo) will take me
to his family mökki which rocks a lot as we will stay there for a whole week.
I love staying at a mökki.. especially the fact that I don't have to see many
people there. I guess thats cause of my usual airport work.. I see SO many
people at the airport every day that I am happy to be in solitude. Anyway I
took some books with me and also an empty book which I might fill with my
weird thoughts while being away. I will return to Helsinki on the 23rd and
stay there till the 26th at least that's the plan. 24th also is Sähly and then
erkin pub day. So join us and have fun!

Trip No. 23 went to Oulu. Embarking on Trip No. 24 tomorrow. Staying in the
mudding Commune of Cutter, Dazzt, Huppu and Walor (listed alphabetically) over
New Years Eve. Cancelled my apartment in Germany. Back at parents.

A life is lonely when forgotten

even God seems to be rotten

people just betray each other

be it sister, father, brother

everyone just seems to live

only to take never to give.

How could you go without goodbye,

is there more than meets the eye?

Can't I see the hidden message?

Did you leave a secret passage

to suddenly appear again?

See You one day! Only when?

Who knows what happens in between?

Life is weird as I have seen,

strangest things here in my life.

Flying fish, a dod that dives..

Though I'm babbling without sense.

It dried my tears - so am I happy hence?!

Flying to Helsinki for the 22cnd time tomorrow... Whee nice number. This year
has been the one with the least Suomi visits of em all so far, though I've
been to the USA 3 times instead. I saw the Niagara falls and the Empire State
Building and the forrests of Maine. Now it's back to finnish birches. Oh
well.... Itry to tell me that I feel better. Didn't so shit for my studies and
lotsa deadlines are approaching rapidly.. so what do I do? I flee to SUomi
again.. whee back to the roots. Can't believe it's my 3rd year of going to
Finland already. Anyway.. my general mood is weird still.. dunno who I am and
what to do. And my cuticles won again.. sigh at least it was good for almost a
month.

My love blazed like fire - now it's out - and I am burnt.

I drove lonely through the city

It was dark - oh what a 'pity'

As no one saw the tears I shed

For everything that we have had.

It is over it's forgotten

And still I feel so very rotten.

You're the only thing I see

Your image is what I can't flee.

Insomnia drives dreams away

Like always you are holding sway

You are with me day and night

Hell - we didnt even part with fight

You are happy - I am sad

If you are happy ... I am glad

Two more days and two weeks of what I call my month of hell are over. I
finally thought that a visit to Finland would be good to me, to be with old
friends and see my favorite bars again.. So I drove to the airport and bought
a ticket, I drove to the supermarket and bought booze and sweets to take with
me. I came home and wanted to pack. My PC crashed... bad omen.. My wanna be
host in Helsinki had to cancel because he found out he got an exam on monday..
I cant blame him  but it just alll serves nicely into my current life. I
turned around, tossed over a pack of dvd's a friend lent me and actually
managed to break two. That was the part when I opened up the Bourbon I wanted
to bring to Helsinki and started making Whiskey Sours... my favorite drink. I
successfully managed to do NOTHING for my studies the last two weeks... then
again I successfully managed to do NOTHING at all during the last 2 weeks.
It's fun... I doubt I have ever been THAT down. But well well well maybe
people forget about their state of mind after a few so that when fate strikes
the next time u can'enjoy' it again to a full extent. Oh wait.. I ordered new
glasses on friday... the frame is black and square.. very different to my
current gold and round ones.. but hey they say people change their exterior
when they pass on to new stages in life I heard...anyway. SO I went to that
hosewarming party of my maybe best friend.. unfortunately I don't see him that
often nowadays. He is an uber smart guy.. he holds degrees in mathematics and
in physics and is currently working on his doctorate in physics. Anyway.. the
party was full of physics students... Hey IM a roleplaying gamer myself but
... oh well... I drank a bit too much I guess but somehow I deserved it after
these last 2 weeks... Result was that I gained 2,5 kilos within 2 days after
all my dieting of the last months.. I guess sugar and alcohol aren't exactly
the things to do when u wanna lose weight.Well I'm an asshole when I am
drunk... it'S confirmed by generations of friends and so there I was.. making
fun of lil innocent physics students. Best part was when a group of em came, a
friend of mine asked them: Soo did u bribe the wardens or how come they let
you out? And the guys looked at each other with big questionmarks painted all
over em and answered: Who let whom out? With the result that I ended in
hysterical laughter and prolly was labeled for good by em... I somehow walked
home after a huge wave of depression hit me again.. thats the shit about
alcohol.. you are drinking it to forget your troubles and u end up seeing em
double. Woke up with the headache of the century.. spent a second on the
thought of swearing 'No alcohol ever again' laughed like a maniac and saw to
it that I fell asleep agaian. Welcome life!

So what lose treads are there now that I am back in what I like to call my
soap opera life.  Believe me.. if someone would like to make a movie about my
life they would reject it and say its too unrealistic and that that is just
too much. Nicely wondering how I can go on. Well I lived for some time.. I
existed before that .. for now I'm simply functioning... nice.. sometimes it
seems as if I'm just walking next to me. Anyway. My cuticle problem is almost
solved.. though recent developments in my life ended up in a relapse to old
behaviors  but some fingers really look good. (If u dunno about that read THE
CUTICLE CHRONICLES by Femko Wizard) (Or just search cuticle in my blog here)
Anyway blah shouldnt type should just sleep. or dunno what**

It was heaven when it started

It was great when it began

Now it's over and you parted

I don't fit into your plan

That is what you said to me

Then again you sent me flowers

Now Im an 'I' no more a 'we'

I just sit and cry for hours

Life with me? Too serious

Than u can imagine well.

I wander round - delirious

I am still under your spell

Writing poems like a kid

Someone tell me what to do

You and me we did just fit

That is something you once knew

It was heaven when it started

It was great when it began

Now it's over and you parted

I don't fit into your plan

You just went and said Farewell

And I am left under your spell

Ok let's see..

1. I missed Nena last night at our big company festival cause I had to go home
early. 

2. I cancelled my trip to Oulu for Juhannus. 

3. I didn't study for the last 3 years. 

4. I just got into an argument with a fellow wiz. 

5. I'm missing my love like crazy. 

6. I didn't code anything new or great for ages. 

7. I am 28 and I'm living with my parents. 

8. My trip to Zurich next weekend to which I was SO looking forward to was
cancelled by my host to be. 

9. I could go on like this for pages. (Maybe thats the worst point).

Well yes dear readers.. it seems that my dark moods got me again.. it's been
creeping up for some time again now I guess and attacked me 2 days ago only to
take over. So here I sit in my room with all my windows barricaded (okok that
is because it is hot like hell outside but still it helps to paint the picture
of the sad poet) and grumble and ponder bout life. BLAH maybe I should just
curl in bed again. Ok let's make a pitiful attempt to change the subject. I'm
fighting against a minor skin inflammation on my forehead and the fact that I
have to put some fat itchy ointment on it twice a day is not exactly helping
my mood either.. argh wrong topic. Last night I got into an argument with 2 of
my rl friends who once again showed me how brainless they are when it comes to
some topics. I really wish I could just go and fly to Helsinki for a few days
of brainless boozing and sweating but it seems I am damned to sit here and
study or at least think about studying. Vituttaa! (Damned I hope that was
spelled the right way.)

Even though I had a very very nice dream last night I am somehow feeling
depressed.. which is weird as I haven't for almost 4 months now. A line from
Donnie Darko struck me 'Everyone on this earth dies alone' Or something.
Didn't read anything today and enjoyed a lil break though it still is super
hot. I should buy an aircondition or something.. I got the feeling I'm glued
to my chair. Blah should prolly not write more atm.. guess I should be happy
that these feelings left me alone for 4 months .. am hoping that they will
subside soon..hopefully..

IT IS HOT outside! Actually it seems it is hotter in my room than outside..
prolly cause of my monitor and my PC. It's been 35 Celsius /95 Fahrenheits the
last couple of days and I am definitely not made for these temperatures.
Anyway I returned from my last USA visit and I gotta admit that Singapore
Airlines really rocks.. Besides that I have been working a lot and finally
started my studies again.. which also is the reason why I cancelled my planned
Suomi visit as i got a bad conscience and stayed home to read for my exam
which will come up beginning of August. So far I read Rip van Winkle, Death of
a Salesman, Streetcar named Desire, Catcher in the Rye and The Great Gatsby
within the last 4 days. I knew some of these works but as it has been such a
long time ... well it was better to reread em. My life is fine all in all.. of
course there still are some downs as it cannot go up all the time but all in
all it still is lots better than let's say 6 months ago. I AM missing Suomi
though.. Last longer visit there was in February and I just went there for 2
nights for the Batbday in April. I was hoping to go to Helsinki in a few days
for a few days but atm it's hard to find a host as it seems everyone is gone
for Juhannus. Sigh I would have liked to see the midnight sun again.. but oh
well.. I can't get everything. Atm Im on sick leave anyway:( Got some nasty
bacteria infection and didn't go to a doc till 1,5 weeks after it started.. so
now Im on antibiotics and they already helped. Saturday will be the big big
Birthday party of my airline and I'm kinda looking forward to that.. Well
let's see what novel will be in for tomorrow.. I guess The Scarlet Letter.
Blah I want to go to Helsinki for 2 nights next week *whine*. Well at least I
will be in Zurich next weekend if things go well. A friend of mine is a
Calvinist priest and he is living in a 100 year old priests house... not as
good as Helsinki or a mökki near Oulu but oh well...

And preparing for yet another visit to the USA. Will be flying into New York
JFK on friday and back home the thursday following. Short visit but it well
worth the purpose. Found a seldom exception from interline agreements and will
fly with Singapore Airlines which are supposedly rocking.. so I'll see. Life
has been pretty fine so far but I wouldn'T be me if I wouldn'T find some
reasons to whine and feel stressed. Guess my fucked up head always comes up
with something to make me feel stressed. ATM this goes rather far.. having
problems sleeping and constant tummy ache... It usually happens when I'm about
to embark on one of my journeys but this extent is a rather new phenomenon.
Learning something new about my self every day now isn't that great... sigh.
Spent the last weeks drinking too much and playing Munchkin with friends
whenever possible.. even dreamt about the fucking cards one night after
drinking too much. OH well.. hoping my tummy ache gets better as it was bad
enough today that I had to call in sick at work. I hoped once I got everything
sorted out it would be better but I guess it was a mistake to think so.
Watched Harry Potter III on DVD a couple of times with friends and family and
now started reading Harry Potter V again to be fit when HP VI comes out. Still
waiting for a confirmation Email bout my booking ...hoping that I'll feel
better THEN.

Ánd another nightshift.. so as Starshine put it 'Time for one of your famous
blogs'. Dunno whether this one will be so famous though.. SOmehow I almost
stopped blogging though I think this is a good sign... maybe it shows that I
DID indeed develop a real life.. at least partly though,). The things which
happened to appear in my life are taking up much of my time though that is
indeed a good thing. I also made the decision to maybe start finishing my
studies after all as it was decided by the evil government and my university
that I'll have to pay 860 Euros per semester from now on asI have been
studying for quite a while now.. I can't say I'm too happy about that though.
Well I'll travel to the US again and this time it seems as if I'll finally see
NYC which is something I have been hoping for for a long long time now.
Flights so far are also still looking good and that makes a potential visit
more probable. Mudwise Ihave been pretty busy with doing pre approves which is
of course a nice job and even got me a new level today, but  it depreives me
of time to work on my own projects. Well I'll see what the future holds for me
mudwise. Would be nice to stop being in the league of newbie wizzes though I
like my current title as Warlock. (help wizard titles or wizard title or
wizard rank or something...) The guys I'm working nightshift with are nice so
it should be a cool night though it looks as if it would be busier than usual
nights. So oh well maybe I won'T unpack the Dvd's I brought:P . What else is
new.. Hm Im not sure.. it seems as if finally my life is getting into movement
and I'm abit afraid to leave that protective shell I built around me .. but
mankind just evolves through movement.. staying still never is a good thing...
sigh yes yes I'm trying to betray myself :P Well movement IS painful ever so
often but maybe the outcome is worth all of the pain. I dunno when I became
such a spoilt brat.. I really dunno. But WHAT I know is that life is worth a
LOT more when being happy. Oh well whatever. I'm working a  lot nowadays to
get time of to go abroad. Plans still are up that I might manage to go to
FInland for Juhannus .. so if someone is loudly yelling HERE and has a mökki
somewhere with a big Femko room and a sauna.. feel free to ask me,) chuckle...
Well starting studies again..I'm not sure whether Im happy or sad about it
though I think it MIGHT be nice to use the thing I have on my throat to think
instead of chewing food. I honestly doubt though that I'll pass the upcoming
exam... It's just been too long since I last attended any courses and too much
knowledge left me brain again. BUUUT maybe I can get some stuff back into it
at least. A friend wanted to pick up the course materials I'll need to read
till upcoming friday yesterday and he realized that the office is just open on
tuesdays and fridays.. which means that Ill have to undergo a 1 h journey on
tuesday to photocopy reading material for 3 weeks... go home and read it all
within half a day..... cause the course is friday and I'm working wednesday
and thursday...oh well I managed to evade other tasks so who knows what I'll
do.. judging from the fact that it is a blocked course though Im not sure
whether I can manage....

Juggelo fc+: how long are you anyhow?

Femko fc+: naughty question

Juggelo fc+: how tall are you anyhow?

Juggelo fc+: ...

 3  Femko          162  48 210

there Is a god,) I will so catch u one day Laaban ,)

Captain's Log

Long time has passed since I last travelled into the realms of Blogonia.
Prolly because the last months of my life have been very eventful leading me
out of depression for the moment and partly giving me energy to think about
finishing my studies as well. I travelled into the USA and Canada twice since
I last wrote something in here and I also attended THE party of the year
namely Batbday.. which also was my anniversary, namely my 20th trip to
Finland. It was a nice loop.. it was the shortest trip to finland ever since
my very first trip there over 2 years ago. The Bday was Spectacular and the
Wizmeeting before it as well, giving me an opportunity to meet my esteemed
colleagues. The Bday and the festivities surounding it also gave me the
questionable 'honor' to meet someone I did NOT want to meet but I guess life
is not only consisting of pleasant surprises. Well I gained some new friends
after the bday and that always rocks. Atm the chances are, however, higher
that I'll fly to the US more often from now on than travelling to Finland.
Other planned vacations include Ljubljana (Laibach) and Zaragoza as well as
Zurich. Former 2 to meet fellow mudders, latter to visit a friend of mine who
is a priest and has his congregation there. Well well well.. I'm working a lot
again only to have free time to fly away.. old story. Well as I mentioned..
some things have happened that managed to drive my always present depression
away for the moment.. anmd that alone is a rather good thing. Had night shift
2 days ago.. the first one in ages where I didn'T write any blog...

What a day.... First of all it's my 5th working anniversary for my airline
which is nice especially as today was the 50th anniversary of my airline as
well... for celebration my department was allowed to wear the hats they used
to wear back then.. mental note.. I look silly with a red pillbox hat... But 5
years... wow... where the f*** did time go??? News just report that the pope
is about to die :(. Sorry guys for being so lazy with writing blogs.. it's not
that my life has been boring but instead it is so busy with new developments
that I'm mostly too happy or busy to write blogs...

Well I flew to Helsinki after all and it was a rather turbulent trip after
all. If I counted right it was my 19th trip which will be nice as the batbday
party will be my trip no. 20 then so that I can celebrate a double party then.
Well though I originally was scheduled to stay with Enochian I ended up at
Mizos place for 3 nights out of reasons which are hidden behind walls of beer
and Whiskey sour. Well the trip ended at Shumrenas, Catherinas and Illusias
housewarming party including a nice relaxing sauna and the feeling that I
really belong to Finland not to Germany. Well anyway.. I am back home and am
working a bit.. darned can't believe it's already march again. Have been
feeling as if one of my darker stages might begin again soon. I have this
Kaamos inside me I can't fully pinpoint. Friends and Lovers can give me some
warmth from the outside but sooner or later Kaamos freezes it all. Have been
having this weird feelings when I leave my room go to the outside, smell the
fresh air and all the options in it. How life could have been if, what are all
the people doing out there who breathe the same air like me. Been building
this castle around me the last few days barely leaving my room mainly playing
KOTOR II, Friends around me are about to finish their studies, my best friend
soon will have his Dr. title... One shouldn't compare lifes but yet doing so
is what makes us human maybe....

   5  Femko          152  38 190

One day I will get Laaban,).

Well some weird days gone.. Suddenly a few days before my planned trip to Oulu
I got wheee the flu.. so like so many of my fellow mudders I spent some
quality ti,e in bed.. Whee. Well I postponed my Oulu trip till maybe before
the batbday and cancelled it for now. Instead I hope to go to helsinki in a
few days if I feel better till then. Had some minor problems with my TV card
today.. was really weird... suddenly it ceased working.. so after trying to
get the new drivers, realizing that I can'T even see it in the hardware
manager I took the hard way, took it out, put it back in and tataaa suddenly
it works again.. or worked.. remains to be seen whether I can get it working
after I wrote this. Well at least I now know how to do a system restore.
Mudwise I took over an rather old old old area which I'll try to modernize a
bit and generally de-dust/de-bug it. Hm what else... well have been working to
get my old cuticle problem under control. Friends and esteemed readers of my
blog will know that I have this problem that I rip off pieces of my cuticles
whenever I'm nervous which usually ends in me haveing a couple of bloody
fingers.. well I'm working on it mates, I'm working on it. 

6  Femko          148  38 186

Wow a day off! And tomorrow as well. Wish I could decide what to do about my
Finland trip in 2 weeks now. HAve like 100s of offers for one night but I fear
I'm getting just too old for these one night here one night there thing. It
ends in me feeling like I need vacation from my vacation when I come home.
Dammit... now that I'm typing that there is a documentation about scandinavia
on TV and I'm already conjuring up the image that gave me so much power the
last few weeks namely the one of the full moon hanging deeply over the frozen
lake up north near Inari. Oh well can't help it .. seems I am hopelessly
romantic. As my poems showed I am in a weird situation atm. Not being sure
whether I'm lovesick or just dreaming of a long over affair I had. It remains
to be seen what life holds. I should try to see everything that happens to me
as a big adventure and not as one catastrophe leading to the next

How can love be near to tears

How could joy conjure up fears 

How could your name lead me to cry

When it once got me so high

Times are changing so they say

Very much to my dismay

Where are the nights we kissed and touched 

Instead I spent whole nights and watched

Your name written on your bell

Going through heaven and through hell

Trying to decide to ring

Knowning though I'm "not your thing"

Well farewell you love of man

I'll forget you - if I can

If you say a then u mean b

If I then try to think of c

it just seems we can't agree

of things which let us be

talking just a more happily

Ok sordid poem... sigh and I don't even know what sordid means.. weird day and
the fact that I'm drinking again unhappily alone in front of my pc listening
to Johnny Cash singing Hurt should already explain a lot. Well no more details
about that... Just spent the day idle wanking and being sad that I might grow
up after all. Seems my Peter Pan ideal is bound to shatter. Had some
interesting talks with an old friend of mine who used to mean a lot to me.
Re-.establishing friendships seems to be so difficult. In addition to all of
this pondering whether it is possible to make someone u fucked a 'simple'
friend again. Dammit it is so easy to make a friend someone you fuck but the
other way around ...

7  Femko          146  38 184

Do I want to live that late

in a world just ruled by hate

Say out loud how u might feel

and end up being hit with steel

Hm weird last couple of days. Had -again- maybe too much time to ponder bout
life and to write some more poems yes I'm sorry... Well some of em might have
potential others are just blahing or as my brother once called them
'Teenage-Rambling': Well actually I stopped writing poems for a long time
after that 'quality' criticism by him. Well but that's a blog so it's kinda my
scrapbook.. I just toss em in here and later can decide which ones are good
and which aren't. Worked the last 2 days. Was rather quiet. 2 weeks left till
my next planned Finland visit and yet I have no fucking idea what it will
hold. I don't know where I will go, whether I will go or where I'll stay...
still I feel so empty and can'T develop enough energy to start buggering
people about it. Maybe I should just fly there and offer my body... Aeh okok
shutting up.. seems my brain is overheating.

I should make decisions, HECK!

How as society bends my back.

As I am under pressure

from its always present measure.

Life is put just into numbers

who works is valid, not who slumbers

and dreams of how it once might be.

Blah, be a happy robot, thee!

I'm living with decisions.

They influence my life.

They might come through some visions

or from following the hive.

Whatever though you do,

one thing should be clear.

whether world is tinted raven hue

or white, just smile and cheer!

Cause ur the one who made it.

Look at ur face and smile!

Cause ur the one, admit,

who makes the world worthwhile!

6  Femko          144  38 182

You know what? Life is a bunch of decisions.. We often make the wrong ones..
though sometimes they turn out to be right afterwards or vice versa.. but
whatever we do is the right thing. We only got this one fucking life. We
should dance on graves and hell even piss on them if that is how you feel at
this exact moment. Guilt is a bad bad thing but it is not what should
influence u because it is a maybe wrong decision in the past though yet there
are many many many decisions to come. Make em and live with them. It is your
life. Don't be a coward.

Wow... did I just say that ...

Time for more blogging though no one complained this time but oh well... After
all I'm blogging more for myself than for others or do I? What has happened
hmmm not really much sadly enough... I just worked a lot to get ready to
invade Finland again in February. Originally I planned to go to Turku but it
seems I'm running short of places to stay there so it might be Oulu instead
but we will see. I pondered a lot bout my life -again- and didn't really come
to a big conclusion besides the final insight that Im my own enemy and Im in
my way when it comes to total happiness. I recently started contact with some
old lost friends or acquaintances and will actually meet an old friend
tomorrow. We used to be kinda best IRC friends ages ago and she made a
Teddybear for me which I later returned to her cause it was broken.. and then
we lost contact.. well now I can get my teddy back and maybe start an old new
relationship again. Besides that I finally managed to write to Mizo's family
in Japan who hosted me so cool and nicely almost one year ago. Oh yeah and I
soon will turn 28... sigh only a few days left and then it'S sunday the 30th..
my Bday.. seems I'll celebrate into it at a friends place which also means
that I can't drink as Ill have to transport all the beer and stuff there. Well
I did some shopping for the party today and only am missing the beer now. Told
about this Blog to an old german friend and am currently pondering whether it
was a good idea or not.. after all The Blog is somehow part of my finnish life
and not my german life which i tend to push back as far as possible whenever I
get the chance. It's funny it's snowing like hell outside and some parts of
germany report up to -19 degrees while it is +8 in iceland... world topsy
turvy.... Found old pics about a trip to ireland I made with my best friend a
couple of years ago.. and made the mistake to start reading my high school
yearbook with all these old creatures in it who used to share classrooms with
me.. I can't help but wondering whether all those big mouthed idiots now still
are bigmouthed idiots only that they deliver my mail (No offense Zock,) ) Or
whether they really finished studies and are now some rich fucking bastards.
But who am I to judge while my job is to push a wheelchair across the airport.
Sigh.

Just came back from the movies.. saw a movie dealing with the elite schools
the nazis had in Germany to train their new leaders... Was a very nice movie
and like all these movies they provoke a lot of emotions in a german viewer.
So I'll be stereotypical and thoughtful today while i wonder what I would have
done.. like almost every other german I wish I could say: I would not have
participated in all that... but by  knowing myself better each day I fear I
would have to say that I prolly SURE would have been there... I am
intellectual capable of leading others, I don't have the physiology for it
though. But my intelect would prolly have allowed me a career anyway. With my
looks I might have fit in a supreme race category... It's freaking me out
atm.. they might have given me power and I might have taken it.. maybe I would
have been writing for a newspaper instead of coding here. Maybe I would have
lead others. It's fearful though it shows man's true self. I guess I would
have been a follower. I'm easy to inspire and I'm inspirational to others. The
more I think about it the more it frightens me. I am who I am because of when
I was born and because of how I was brought up but what would I have done in
different circumstances I cannot say ... yet no one can. Maybe that's one of
the reasons why I never would have wanted to go to army. Maybe I feared that I
would have liked it. BLAH ok sorry I might be boring u here.. it's just all
that pouring out of my mind that might help me relax a bit. Maybe I'm not
afraid of my own nature but of men's nature. Milgram's experiment and others
have shown what happens when u give a man power .. and who knows what you
would have done. Gnn blahhhh I hate wandering thoughts in my head.

I should lock my heart away

does just obstruct me. Goes astray.

I should put it in a box.

Maybe hide it under rocks.

Just see to it it doesnt go

to the wrong one again. So

that I turn to be uncaring

of my heart ongoing yearning.

Should I live alone forever?

Not to think of love, that's clever!

Spares me yet another hit,

into an abyss filled wth shit.

Sooo there I am.. back from Suomi trip no. 17 (if I counted correctly) I'm
about to lose track of all these trips. Spent maybe the best new years eve
ever. Was at a Mökki of Myshkin together with him, Slobber and Mizo had a
whole bunch of fun there. Will prolly never ever forget the walk I had around
4 or 5 am of the 1st. Went onto the middle of the frozen lake and dazed at the
stars and the almost full moon. We even had some polar lights the day before
we left Inari. Also visited the Siida the samish heritage center. Quite
interested in samish culture now. Even added a pin of the samish flag to my
uniform. Already worked again though today. 

Flying to Helsinki tomorrow, then on to Ivalo on the 28th.. staying there for
new years eve in myshkins mökki. SOOO looking forward to it. HAd a very happy
and peaceful christmas .. maybe the nicest one I have had in years. Bit
nervous like usually when I'm travelling.. that character trait prolly never
will stop. Oh well.. I love u all.. Happy new year 2005!

One of the days where I feel as if the whole world wants me to kick it in its
face again. Met a friend who will leave my town soon and it's sad that we only
got to know each other better now that he will leave. Sat in the train back
home for 30 min afterwards and listened to some people talking there was this
one girl who desperately tried to get the attention of another girl who was
giving non verbal answers and yet girl a kept buggering her. I wondered
whether I'm that bad as well sometimes and think that I prolly am... seems
humans are nothing but animals ever so often. Somehow that simple fact managed
to get me rather down again though I am looking forward to my trip to Ivalo.
Feeling so damned lonely again. Tried to talk about a visit to NYC with a
friend which failed totally and hurt me even more. I should try to be self
sufficient and not care about others at all.. I should just become a fucking
lonely hermit and don't care about love or anything maybe I might find
happiness in that.

6  Femko          130  36 166

Whee I'm popular :). Damned I love this game.. I often find myself in
situations where I ask me what I would do without all u guys and gals who are
out there and might think of me as a friend. I draw so much power out of u
guys.. u just can'T imagine! Well I worked early shift today and will have
opening shift tomorrow which means getting up at 4am.. which might be
especially sucky after the party Im going to now where I'll drink loads of
mulled wine. Finished the 3rd season of ER.. damned these season never hold
long once i get the DVD packs :).

Still totally tossed out of my sleep rhythm or then again still don't have
any. Was In the local spar yesterday with my friends and still wondered about
local sauna habits when compared to finnish ones. Actually met a co worker
there.. somehow rather weird to suddenly nakedly meet a co worker. Well we
said hello the finnish way... we saw each other, recognized each other and
just nodded without saying a word. Well it was nice and relaxing though we
were a bit under time pressure cause we decided not to pay anything extra.. so
we went there, went swimming and had sauna in 2 hours. At least it managed to
get me sufficiently tired so that I 'only' slept till 12 today. Then I picked
up a friend and we went shopping for xmas gifts. i actually planned to get at
least 2 presents and wheeee I indeed got 2. Smiled to see that www.bat.org
finally is back up. Muttered a bit about Viko's blogs. Don'T get me wrong we
are friends but of coures I am not too happy of losing my second place on the
top blogs list. Well whatever. Jenar told me today that his GF searched blogs
and found that I mentioned him a couple of times.. sooo hello to Jenar's GF!
Checked some of a befriended wiz's areas and thought that maybe one day I
might like to become an approver. It actually was fun. Also got me a new
project which is rather secretish so far so I'll skip talking bout it. Got me
a neoprene balaclava face mask thingie today to survive my new years eve trip
to Lappi. Actually that trip is one of the highlights to keep me going atm. I
know I know.. I shouldn't develop these high hopes everytime when i go on a
trip but really I am SO looking forward to it. Sadly some of my friends said
no and can't attend but those who said yes already seem to be a rather nice
and cheerfull group. Welllll we will see. Still a bit in Manga mood after I
read some at Viko's place. well I almost completed my Sailor Moon collection
through the big help of Ebay.  Buuuuut then again this entry was just to see
and test whether anyone is reading my mental orgasms here anyway.... Soo I'll
wait for any input.....

Soooo I was out drinking tonight, Sooo I was out drinking tonight with a
friend of mine, Soo thatfriend of mine is 33, sooo he is roman catholic, sooo
he is a franiscan monk, soo he is a priest. Damned guys.. and gals.. I tell
u.. if that guy would be pope we would live in another world.I have been
growing up doing church work and stuff my whole live... but I never had a
priest as a friend till today.. I knew him for quite some time but he really
rocks.. at least he showed me that they are normal men after all. We spent the
evening in a bar named Mephisto which is one of the names for the devil and it
sure made my day. If all roman catholic priest would be like that.. HALLELUJA.
Maybe i did not lose my faith after all. At least talking to him gave me hope.
I took the train back home and wondered about all these people sitting in the
train each and everyone we meet every day has a history behind him or her.
damned it's so wonderfull to be alife sometimes. DOH was it ME who just said
that?!

Flubbeldiflupflup

Sooo I am back from Finland where I spent my 16th visit in Helsinki. First
night was at Danefl's place and then I moved on to Viko's and Gidan's place.
Though unfortunately I saw Gidan maybe 2 times during my 4 night stay there.
Like usually the finns made me totally drunk all of the 5 nights.. I'm still
waiting for my Visa bill to arrive.... Last night there Viko made me read some
Mangas for prolly the first time of my life. Was funny I dreamt about cuddly
Manga stuff that night now that Im home I started bidding on some Sailor Moon
Mangas to get my collection full. Well the visit was fun anyway though like
always there were some drama and some tears involved... Huppu was right when
he once said we should rename Batmud into Dramamud. Well everything turned out
more or less good and I even saw Merioli and Aegis again plus the other bunch
of the Helsinkian mudders. Even managed to go to sauna with Drifter though we
only got into sauna baari as we were either too far away from other places or
they were closed... Anyway.. now Im back home, my plans for new years eve are
getting more detailed and Im generally feeling as if I'm growing up and Im not
sure whether that's a good thing.. but well I can't change it anyway. Went to
the christmas market (Hm or is it christmas fair?) in our town today.. was
sucky one damned food stand next to the other. Anyway through that sailormoon
thingie I got back to my roots and now am totally back in my He-Man and She-Ra
fever. ROXOR!

Happily laughing at my totally fucked up sleeping rythm. Though I thought it
should get better after the stress of the last weeks it didn't really work
that way. Still looking forward to go to Lapland for new years eve and
possibly might fo to Helsinki once before that in a couple of days. Sent some
Emails to old friends who have been in my friends list for ages but not in
mud... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand one of them actually came back to mud. Nowadays I'm
usually sleeping during the day and mudding or doing whatever during the
night.. weird³ but whatever. My beard is getting longer and I'm too lazy to
shave it. Rl is changing a bit again but then again it is important not to
remain static but to move .. I guess.

People who are dear to me

backstab me just suddenly.

So I cannot help but think

can people change within a blink?

Those who really hugged me once

suddenly call me a dunce.

Is it me who has gone mad

Who lies crying in his bed?

Or are all the others crazy?

Reality at once gets hazy.

I am I. Oh what a phrase

seems never right in our days.

I see this face it's full of pain

I see this face trying in vain

to be something it couldn't be

though it is full of esprit

it is bound to fail and shatter

bound to crash and bound to splatter

as it does not agree with you

who bite off more than they can chew

This face it looks so sad to me

and I can't do else but to agree

cause the face seems to be mine

and takes refuge in this rhyme

It was dark - the moon shone quiet

In my heart the biggest riot

with my brain just going on

To the left - the right. Who won?

I can't say as I'm confused

Brain says NO! U'll just be used.

Heart says GO! As we'll be kissed!

Damned thats something I have missed.

I hate decisions - It's just me

Why do I give away the key

to my heart So happily?

As I know I will be hurt

By those who wield it like a sword

those who catch me off alert

those who use me till they're bored

those who play with me like this

those who promise all and nil

those who leave when I'm amiss

those who give me just a chill

I hate decisions - It's just me

Why do I give away the key

to my heart So happily?

Is the brain right after all?

Am I nothing but a troll?

Who stumbles round and round

Till I fall and end up drowned

Loneliness it is a plaque

Well I'll add it to the stack

Of other things that trouble me.

Should I simply turn and flee?

I hate decisions - It's just me

Why do I give away the key

to my heart So happily?

Nother couple of days gone by. Been basically enjoying my vacation off work.
No shifts till mid of december. Started work on Fury's Heart again though I
paused that project atm as well to do a minor job for an arch. Planning some
minor trips again ... nothing particular yet however. Might go to Oulu or
Helsinki or even Turku end of this month and if I get days off I have high
hopes to even celebrate new years eve in finland. Some plans already exist
about going to North-Lapland for it. Had some MAJOR shit going on with a
particular MALICious mortal but luckily that problem solved itself. Still
hoping Munkki will be well soon after his big accident. Sometimes I think fate
strikes... but it seems to always get the wrong one...

JuuuJuuuuu. Sleeping rhythm a bit just a tiiiny bit messed up once again. Been
working Night shift -day off - early shift- day off- and will have another
early shift tomorrow. Spent the last night watching CNN and hoping that Kerry
would win.. which isn't sure still... though I fear the worst. Just saw that
Juo is coming nearer to my position on the top-blog plaque.. sucks especially
as he always posts just one sentence entries or simply mobs killed or shit
like that. Well he soon will hit the 200 border and as he is a mortal that
will be it for him.. so I guess I have to just get my entries above 200 and
then battle with Dino again,). Well Joke aside. Planned to go to oulu end of
this month especially as I don't have to work much more for the rest of the
year and I had a Mökki possibility there... which was cancelled again. Guess
it's just my fault that I always get my spirit up looking forward to things
like that only to have em cancelled. Had another offer for a 2 day mökki trip
after christmas but I won't fly there just for 2 days. So I guess I just stay
at home and do what I am best in.. whine and whine. Besides whining that is of
course. Should code but somehow still am lacking the energy which seems to be
a common problem in my life atm. Am so proud of myself that I finally found
the energy to make a dentists apointment for next week.. have been planning to
do that for weeks and somehow never did. Did a lot of Ebay.ing the last weeks
again.. I should stop that.. but sometimes spending money seems to give me a
weird satisfaction. Missing Match and all the others who have been visiting me
and all the others I have been visiting. It sucks that I have friends abroad
well no lemme rephrase .. it sucks that I can't see my friends as often as I
wish as they are abroad. Atm I just would love to go to a mökki somewhere
faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away
from society with a few great friends and a hot sauna and some booze. Maybe
some snow and I would prolly be happy. Maybe I s hould buy or build one
here... unfortunately there are prolly no places in Germany to be found which
are faaaaaaaar far away from society... Gnnnn I just can't stand my fellow men
sometimes and yet I feel lonely so often.. I need a switch to turn of my
brain.

Slowly, slowly I'm starting my very own collection of nightshift Blogs here on
my USB-Memorystick. Got up waay too early to get Match safely to the
trainstation so that he can go 'home' to Stralsund. Well kinda sucked to say
goodbye to a friend once again but that is apparently my destiny all the time.
Had a nice but busy tourist week with Match and took him to almost all the
places I took Tyril and Lurkku on their visits. I should get a bonus card from
these tourist places for bringing so many people there...,). Even went on the
mentioned day-trip to London which rocked. Funnily enough I'm reading Gaiman's
Neverwhere atm which also takes place in London. We were super lucky with the
weather.. actually never had such a great weather in London ever .. at least
not that I could recall and I have been there a couple of times by now.
Followed an old tradition and bought a seldom MAsters of the Universe action
figure in Harrods which was really nice cause I remember going to harrods as a
lil lil kid and finally finding one special figure there back then.. so this
time I got myself another one.. :) Well and of course I got some books. The
newest part of the Adrian Mole series for example. And in addition to all that
I found a nice ring in a small shop near the amusement center of Frankfurt
where I was with Match last night. Well we ended up in my favorite Irish Pub
in Frankfurt and had fun. Sooo nightshift today.... it's the night in which we
change to daylight saving time and no one could really tell me whether I get
paid for that one h I work longer... but the hell I will call the Union if I
won't... grr gets me abit pissed that I get agitated that easily about such
lil things sometimes. Also used 2 old vouchers I still had for a full day in
an otherwise rather expensive spa... they usually charge u 26 Euros for a
whole day. Well I went there with Match.. in the end they stole the big towel
I lent to Match and some old fart thought he had to tell him how to sauna.....
not to mention that he has been to sauna about 3000 times in his life...
Welcome in Germany....Luckily the friend of mine who had the bad accident is
on his way to recovery ... that at least made me feel a bit better after been
worried bout him for so long. VOTK still seems to go nicely at least we
usually get positive input which of course is nice. Realizing that I worked
almost all my working hours for this year I might start another coding spree
soon.. I didn'T code anything major in quite a few months now and I guess my
imagination had time to recover from t he VOTK marathon. Some ideas are
jumping around inside my head currently and it remains to be seen which
finally manages to jump out,) . Well first of all I will finish the stuff I
began for Malar's and then somewhen it might be time for my very own solo
area... buuuut we will see... Gnnn still pissed they HAVE to pay me that extra
hour tonight..

My world comes tumbling down

We all are nearer to the end

What can I do but frown

Whose there to hold my hand?

Someone there to help me out

of the always present crowd?

Help me now that I become

and individual - a one

who opposes what they think

as society does stink

who stands up while others sit

who goes on while others quit

And another nightshift. Funny.. when I had my last nightshift it was the first
one for a co worker of mine and now it is her last one.. 7 nightshifts ina
row... Heard today that a friend of mine had a terrible accident and is in
intensive care.. am so fucking worried about him.. it always gets those who
don't deserve it... Damned... the fact that he is in Finland and I am in
Germany doesn't really help much.. it makes it worse as I am so fucking far
away from my friends. Though I tried intensely, I couldn't get any further
information than the fact that it is looking bad for him.. gnn. I hate to be
unable to do anything but blah. It shows me once again that one should  just
live for the moment as u never know what happens the next second.. as for my
friend I can only wait and maybe pray though I am wondering whether I still
believe in a deity I can pray to.. and if I would isn't it unfair only to pray
when something unpleasant happens.Sigh.. besides the bad news which I carry
with me wherever I go the last 2 dayswere nice... I got an autograph from my
favorite german poet and song maker and I was busy arranging everything for
Match's arrival on Saturday. As we might go on a day trip to London, I bought
tickets for us today and browsed all the informations I could get out of my
work computer here about London. As he never has been there it would only
serve to give him a very quick impression of the city. Blah I can't really
write as long as I dunno whats up with my friend...

Another couple of days are over and I'm back in not the best mood ever. After
a few months I wrote an email to my best female friend and these emails
usually end up in me getting memories about old timew when we saw each other
every day and were so very close. Nowadays it is really weird we are close but
rarely see and oh blah. I should change the topic as this is making me feel
even more sad. I should start to learn to apreciate small things in my life
like the fog or the sunset but it all seems so unbarebly grey sometimes.

Ok time for a 'real' blog again after all my poems which I hope you enjoyed at
least a little bit. Sometimes Im just hit with inspiration and start writing
them and in many cases they manage to make me feel better to some extent. Well
anyway my 15th trip to Funland was indeed fun though it also was a bit stress
as I changed hosts quite often. I actually spent the night before my early
mornign flight back home in a Helsinki nightclub with Viko which was fun
indeed. Now I'm back home however and already in my first of three nightshifts
in this month. I still love working nightshift it's not too much to do, the co
workers are usually fun and in most cases even the passengers are ok.
Unfortunately my three nightshifts aren't in a row but 'nicely' spread over
the whole month. Hmwhat else is new in the existance of what others would call
a life? I successfully managed to spill a whole cup of freshly pressed apple
juice into my keyboard last night.. WHEE that was fun.... NOT. At least till a
few hours ago it still worked though. A nice side effect is the fact that now
the keys are making a way softer 'click' when used.... and it smells nicely...
I already fear summer when the wasps find my keyboard though. Well it is a
wireless one so if I would decide to buy a new one I prolly also would have to
buy a new mouse etc etc.. so for the moment to be I try to stick with what I
have. And of course I wouldn't be me if I wouldn't already have planned my
next visit to Helsinki... IF I decide to go again as soon as I think I will I
might be back in Funland around the 23rd of October... but I stop making plans
cause they never work out anyway so I will wait and see. Coolio I just managed
to get the DVD player at work working GRIN. Hm all in all I have one of my
high hopes again that I MIGHT get my life under control within the next year..
well I have had theser hopes before but well we will see. My friendships in
Funland usually give me so much power that my ego has been going up a bit
recently. Besides that our valley of the king s has been released finally and
I got 9 levels out of it which makes me a Wizling now and no longer a Code
slave. AND mortals seem to like it which gave me another ego boost. It
reminded me a bit of the time when I was acting and got the applause after a
play. Sigh good ole' times... it once was my deepest wish to become an actor..
well Im a wizard and working at the airport thats at least some kind of acting
I figure....Hackop decided to call me last night which was fun though it was
after the presidential debate and I was fecking tired so prolly my english was
reduced to some gruntint sounds. Hm .. I ordered a leather coat... I know it
is against my ethical believes as a vegetarian but it was a special offer and
it won't be my size anyway I fear so that I'll have to return it.. The company
told me that an XL should be sufficient for me but who knows. Missing talks to
my friend Hyrmy he hasn't been online for quite some while. Sigh it's
depressing to see friends vanish... especially when one can't do anything
about it. In his case I don't even have his telephone number. Well my sleeping
rythm is still totally topsy turvy. I'm working nightshift till 6 am tomorrow
and the day after tomorrow I'm working early shift... great....

I'm moving on the highway

Of what I call my life

I say I do it my way

Not yours with kids and wife

People and their faces

Just look at me with masks

Running their daily races

To perform society's tasks

I won't end as a puppet

I swear an oath on it

My eyes deep in their socket

Damned, how I hate this shit

And dreaming of a day I am

When all people are free

No more oppressed by fellow men

Dream on! They say to me

So should I just forget 

For which I worked so hard

The dream really too far to get?

All that counts - a credit card?

I won't end as a puppet

I swear an oath on it

My eyes deep in their socket

Damned, how I hate this shit

You are happy I am sad

You are normal I am mad

You are cheerful I am down

Your hair's blonde and mine is brown

A label that is all that counts

Go ahead and do announce

What You think I am for you

Never think never renew

The view you have there about me

The hunchback up in the belfry

I'm lost in my souls abyss

Just hoping for a single kiss

To wake me up, to call me back

From my dream in black lilac

Is that what you really see

When you take a look at me

Cause you are happy I am sad

Cause you are normal I am mad

Cause you are cheerful I am down

Damned.. I need a brain shutdown.

Back after a very very interesting trip to Helsinki. Was full of surprises and
new friendships. Met many new cool rocking friends and many things happened
that will provide me with enough things to ponder about for a longer time.
Spent my evening last evening at the airport working a fluffy late shift.
Today smiled and rejoiced as we finally got some things into the game. It IS a
rocking feeling to have people rummaging through my areas and it reminded me a
lot of the feeling I had when I was acting in highscool and bathed in the
applause we got after our plays. Whatever. Got some energy which is very nice
and helps me a lot I think.

What if we all are babbling

And never say the truth

Cause truth is rather rattling

Or seems to be in youth

Words are true there is no doubt

Believe in them! I don't know how

In court they end been read out loud

I can't embrace them - can't allow!

And court turns them to dust

I'm talking without sense

You can'T hear me ... but yet you must!

I'm just a babbler, hence.

I'm just a brick put in a wall

and working there as one.

I'm in it till I go and fall

to break the system. I'm a bum.

Not strong enough to hold

the structure they decided for.

I'll rot your system, I'm the mould

till you will cry for more.

A petty thought is all I need

to make it all break down.

I don't belong - I'm not your breed.

My eyes are open - I do frown.

Mkay be warned... another nightshift... flying to Helsinki tomorrow for my
15th time... whee anniversary.. speaking of those I do have had a very special
anniversary this night but I'll tell you all about it if you ask me irl or via
tell... am enjoying my yummie cappucino I just got from the cantina. The
nightshift is the busiest I have ever had so far so I'm not in the best mood
:P. Usually I can read and ponder and stuff and today it surely does not seem
like it.. but oh well that should at least make time pass faster. My
co-workers tonight are fun and often remind me of an old couple.. they always
grumble with each other. Gnnn damned anniversaries ... there should be no
dates in ones life so that one would't have anniversaries. Besides it always
reminds one of how fucking fast time passes.. I could swear that New Years eve
just has been and whee suddenly it is September again. And Im not getting
younger... Got the information of my university that I will have 2 semesters
left till I will be extra charged. Atm my university fees are around 150 euros
per semester and then They will raise to 650 Euros a semester as I so far
didn'T finish my studies. Blah Im a lazy bumm. Sigh. But time to live for the
moment and I'm momentarily looking forward to spend fun time in Funland aeh
Finland with Danefl and Mizolike always it is not decided how long Ill stay
etc etc.. just bit difficult for me to pack enough Tshirts and underwear each
time to be ready for the longest possible stay. Slept 12 h last night/day and
again my sleeping rhythm is totally messed up. Even pondering whether I should
take the flight a bit later and not the morning flight tomorrow.

Take care my hearts desire Life has to go one

Take care my ice cold fire and let me burn alone

PRETTY down..  some bad things in my life have formed a coalition and struck
me hard only to kick my in the balls when I am on the floor. Spending my tme
staring at the walls listening to sad music. Gnn how I hate these moments in
my life when I get as near to the abyss of my soul as I can without falling
into the deep dark. Prolly flying to Helsinki next week tuesday. A new fucking
rocking friend Danefl offered to host me after everything else failed. Well
there I am listening to formerly long forgotten bands from stages ages ago in
my life like Queensryche and Dream Theater. Maybe this sadness in me is the
price I have to pay for my talent to make others feel comfortable while
talking with me. I only wish I could make myself feel comfortable as well.
Sometimes I just wish for a tiny tiny bit happiness without something bad
happening in the same instant as well. Also fell lotsa places on the
friendsplaque and last time I checked I was 'only' on 10th place. GNNNNNN I
wish someone would come and kick me in my ass instead of my face and tell me
to get going. If I could only understand what's going on in my mind. Moments
like this are the ones that make me fear whether I might turn crazy .. or then
again whether this world is turning crazy and I am the only sane person left.
My life is a fucking soap opera... I could prolly write a book about it and
get more money than J.K. Rowling hm but then again who would like to read such
a stupid sad story. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. My sleeping rhythm is totally fucked
up as well and i just try to stay awake till I fall down uncon as I am afraid
of the thoughts coming to me while I lie in bed. Work in 2 h and I am SO not
motivated... and a party of a friend afterwards... Everyone deserves some
happiness!

Fuck You, piss me in the face

as it seems to be the place

all my sorrows harvest in

a junkyard - souls trash bin

who cares about others? Is it worth

being kicked at, cast out of the earth

you think to be the normal one.

I'm not your slave not ur minion

I'm just me and I do love

not in heaven not above

but here on earth is my desire

Whatever puts my heart on fire.

What am I worth is what I ask

that I like to wear my mask

in front of those who rule the earth

till they die and from their birth

cause they are normal they are cool

While I am masked.. I am their fool.

Come and kick me in my face

as there seems to be no space

for me in your so happy world

as I am tossed out, I am hurled

into what you want for me.

Can't you see can't you agree

that I am just a lonely guy?

But I will go. I wave goodbye

and go on a quest to see and find

happiness in a world less maligned

than this one that you do life in.

The one you rule, you and your kin.

Alas, I fear I'll only see

the world that's meant for only me

within me and my minds abyss

cause ignorance still is a bliss.

How come I act just like you want

and still you seem to come and haunt

me in my sleep, my dreams.

Well, I am different so it seems.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd another new record...

 5    femko          103 29 

*mutter* Mortals.. or better.. friends... Whenever I wanted to write blogs no
one was in the mood to tell me to write em and now Ziba and Ruta are bugging
me to... Oh well here we go... Been working a bit still.. but thus managed to
work most of my quota for this month. Had a weird feeling last night when I
walked across 'my' airport.. I best could describe it with proudness... Hm, is
it weird to be 'proud' of ones work? I guess not. Well anyway.. it's nice to
work at a work place one likes.. though I should not forget that I also have
my studies and should finish those at one point. Had a weird encounter today
which reminded me of what I always say... I have FRIENDS and friends.. I
talked to one of my oldest friends here in Germany and though he usually
always is so happy happy and manages to cheer everyone up he was VERY
downtrodden today.. and I couldn't get out of him what it was that made him so
down.. which is a sign that he isn'T trusting me.. he tried to put on a mask
when i asked him but I easily managed to look through it. Pondered whether
simply to drive over to him but he has is girl as well and I should prolly
stop pondering about the pain of the world and concentrate on my poor
existance called life. Jenar my ooold ooold ooold mudfriend reappeared out of
the dark abyss called RL which rocks. He is living near Turku nowadays so i
might even see him on one of my trips.. by now I have a couple of people in
Turku and one of my trips should go there.. but the next one will be helsinki
first.. prolly flying at the 21st - Staying there till the end of that week
and then going on to Oulu. Just heard that my friend seems to have some probs
with his gf.. grin.. I HATE her so that would rock... grin.. okok sorry .. Im
evil again. My usual depression seems to wither away atm or just fade into a
grey state somehow. Well I still am in my NO alcohol week.. it ends tonight at
midnight.. though the thought that I'm already drooling for a few beers is
bad... maybe I should add a second week .. or maybe not... though  I guess it
would also be a good thing for my diet... I gained a few kilos -AGAIN- and I
prolly don't have to mentioned that I am not too happy about that. Gnn okok ..
brb.. putting a beer in the fridge...

It's truly funny how different I am when at work.. I guess it's because I can
hide behind my uniform...irl I sometimes don't feel like calling friends if I
know they have stupid roomies who could answer the phone or unfriendly parents
.... and at work.. well I make calls around the world sometimes and it's just
cool... weird world I am living in for sure. Anyway ... Soooooo looking
forward to be in finland again soon.. less than 2 weeks... BUUT I shouldn'T
make plans... who knows what will be tomorrow... then again who knows what
will happen in 1 day, in 1 hour, in 1 minute, in 1 second....

6    femko          104 29

New record again.. whee.

Feeling a bit better as I started working and stopped drinking for the moment
to be. Work usually makes me a bit calmer... at least it gives me something to
do and allows me to be secure somehow.. well I got my rules and stuff on how
to work so I prolly just don't have to make too many decisions and thus don't
have to ponder too much. Just watching a documentation about the last flight
of UA 093 11th of September and having goosebumps... working for an airline
somehow gets me nearer to what happened back then.. I remember how I was
called to come work during these days back then and I never experienced an
atmosphere like that at the airport ever before or ever after.. and I really
don't want to experience something like this again. We often get annoyed at
the security checks we have to undergo every day when we work .. makes me
wonder. Oh well I should stop taking the pain of the whole world on my back.
Anyway...

Well well well... great.. my glorious idea not to drink did just hold like
what? 1 night? Fuck I AM getting worried a bit about myself... I had one week
home alone and I was like almost drinking every fucking evening alone in front
of my PC.... well I now made the deal and oath with a friend of mine not to
drink any alcohol till next sunday. And I surely plan to hold that oath...
Well I will be working mostly anyway I guess. My shift block is beginning
tomorrow with 2 early early shifts... starting at 5 am .. meaning I'll have to
get up at 4 am... but the positive aspect is that I will be off work at 12.30
(13.30 EET) so I can sleep a bit or whatever. Well i shouldn't whine but get
my ass into gear. I DO like my job after all and it is one of the only things
which keeps me here instead of considering to move to finland. Blah, better
not think about that topic now.. it tends to get me down. It's just that I
have had 2 offers to get an apartment in Helsinki and of course the idea was
fucking tempting.. sigh. Oh well you guys out there have to thank Rutaliator
that I actually write something again.. seems as if he is the only one left to
read my shit here... maybe I should stop or maybe I should go into a monastery
for a week or two with the desperate hope to find myself or something. It's
hard to really know who I am somehow. Ooooh well. At least the last week
allowed me to talk a lot to old friends and make some more friendships. Hehe I
even climbed to place 7 on the plaque and am currently at 8. Damned I really
should work on my ego.. why do I always feel so lonely if I am on one of the
top positions concerning friends... I guess human brain is just wacko. Daily
thanks of my blogging goes to Adgii. I had a hell lot of great talks with him.
Parents came back today and we ordered Pizza mmmmh! Got some extra garlic with
the hope that my passengers don't come too near to me the next days,). Also
did some coding again for my newest project. Still waiting for votk to get in
the game.. hope this won't turn into a nevere nding story. In addition to the
stress I made me my fingers look like shit again.. regular readers will know
that thats a SURE sign of stress... Oh well.. Finland prolly will have me back
around the 22cnd of this month.. a few days in Helsinki and then prolly to
Oulu. We will see... I have seen so many of my plans fail so it's best not to
plan too hard I guess. I am happy though that Mizo is back. I truly missed him
and it was so fucking cool to visit him in Japan. Surely was one of my coolest
trips ever. Sigh maybe I should be happy about my life :(.

Oh well. Been spending the last few days happily or unhappily boozing alone in
front of my computer... Decided that its enough for now after a talk with some
of my friends. Smirk usually it is I who is worried about my drinking finnish
friends and not vice versa. Went to the cinema last night.. we went to the
sneak preview night.. They show a new movie a bit earlier than the premier but
one does not know which one. So I ended up watching Oldboy.. a korean action
thriller whatever... I'm still not sure whether I should see it as a good or
as a bad movie.. it certainly had its lengths but it as well has had some
moments. Tonight I might watch Bowling for Columbine with a rather
conservative friend.. let's wait and see.

Whee

7    femko          103 28 

new record. Somehow not too much in blog writing mood. I guess the poems
during the last days were taking all my creative energy. Besides no one
encouraged me anymore to continue writing.

Child you are born and born free

that's what my mother said to me.

But still I ponder, still I doubt

if that is true. It's all about

money and power nowadays.

No more bout love or truth or grace.

Who wields the scepter is what counts. 

Who holds the power heaps and mounts.

What happened to those born "free",

to you and him and her and me?

If free I am then come and tell

why others call me freak, rebel.

Is being free not just right that

to be a pain a thorn a brat

to those who rule cause can u see

THEY are the ruled once - they're not free!

Shadows of the soul creep up in me

being imperfect in your perfect world sure takes its fee;

but who am I to whine and scold

of what I hear and do behold.

This perfect world ... soo false to me.

It's just a lie oh don't you see?

People die behind the walls

while others buy and shop in malls,

in which those dead once used to work

and not as boss and not as clerk

but doing jobs that no one wants.

Ignoring them is ur response

because it threatens your worlds view.

Oh please wake up, get a clue!

Once you will wake up, end up blue

and shadows of the soul creep up in you...

Jooo.

Worked an early shift. Was Ok. Not much to do and I got off work earlier so
that I could watch the new episode of Masters of the universe. Not much else
to say actually. Been a bit melancholic. Watched my old Graduation Video a few
days ago and right now was rummaging through a big pile of old stuff where i
found a folder with ooooold letters I wrote and never sent because they were
too emotional or cause of other reasons. Was happy that I usually keep stuff
like that though of course it piles up high in my rooms. Got another goal to
look forward yet, namely my yet next visit somewhere... prolly to Oulu - 
Finland to visit my old friends there end of deptember. Buuuut one never knows
where fate might drag me to. Maybe I really should move to Finland.. SIGH ok
old topic.. I'll spare u.

You in your ideal World

That's where you do hide

Behind your ideal world

That's where your hearts dried

Oh in our ideal world

We can't go hide or fly

Cause in our ideal world

That's where we will die

What a nice few days...

Been drunk three days in a row so I guess it wasn't too bad that I had a break
of it today though I sadly enough have to admit that it helped... if only for
an evening. Biggest mistake was that I was drinking alone one two of the three
instances and that I ended doing some pretty weird shit like calling shitloads
of my friends in finland in the middle of the night and even called my old
friend Balance in the US. Oh well. Co worker asked me whether I can take over
an early shift on Friday and I am inclined to say yes. Though lots of days off
sound like a great plan as well. Been having some 'nice' mood swings again
within those days... I sometimes just fear I'm turning crazy and that's not a
great thought. Unluckily this is keeping me from doing the coding I planned to
do in these former few days. Well we will see what happens. Just am watching
One Hour Photo which is a depressing movie in itself... prolly was a shitty
idea to see it while I am in one of my selfreconsideration stages. (Damned I
hope that actually IS a word) Well anyway it's not that it helped me to become
better :P. Nor has been watching Lost in Translation which I saw earlier
today. Maybe I should get drunk again or maybe I should just try to get on
with my life and be a happy happy joy joy robot like society asks us all to.
It's so funny that apparently I am perfect in seeing only the bad things in my
life.. I tend to totally ignore the good things and on days like that it is as
if they have totally vanished or even never existed. Its just as if my life is
a fucking tetris game.. whenever I have hopes that I eliminated one row there
is another damned column falling from out of nowhere and obstructing the weak
plan I might have made for the existance some people call my life. Oh and yeah
I did continue writing blog though aparently no one gives a fucking shit about
the mental diarrhea I produce.

Someone save me before I freeze

Someone bear me and tell me that I exist

Someone tell me who I am

Someone hold me before I go

Someone stand me when I whine

Someone help me when I cry

Someone be there just for me

Someone there? 

If one is leaving 

If one is leaving - doesn't mind

There's alway one who stays behind

And who decides - I wanna know

Which heart of those is more in woe

And another Nightshift full of dark and shadowy thoughts... Oh well actually
today proved to be a busy busy day. I woke up at 7.30 on the sofa of the
famous mudding commune of Cutter, Dazzt, Huppu and Walor and walked to the Bus
stop on the Ring near Läppevaara asema without being able to say goodbye to my
hosts... as they were obviously still sleeping. Sucked a bit as they have been
very nice to me during the last week and when I last saw them it was me who
was half asleep. BUT no use crying over spilled milk. So i arrive at the
airport and fly safely back home... un fortunately this time without free
upgrade ,). Back home I enjoyed the happiness of my very own bed... which
rocked after having slept on a sofa in the commune and under Glenfasts bed in
his hmm closet aeh apartment. To make a long story short my best friend called
me and informed me that he is celebrating his Bday today... GNNNn so I sleep
maybe 2 hours and then drag my sorry tired ass to his place. Well it was nice
but again it showed me how different my life in Finland and Germany is... I
missed Finland that instant I saw my german friends again. Don't get me
wrong.. I like them very much but they are just so german or different
somehow.. it is really hard to discribe. Well back home then for an hour or so
which I used to make some background research about the finnish 2 Euro coin i
traded from Ziba in the Saafiiri pub ...or however that name is written.
Turned out that only 600k of those were minted and only 500k of them reached
the stores as the other ones were reserved for colelctors. The coin was issued
for the acceptance of the ten new EU members... well it is VERY nice and I
will treasure it dearly. Hope that Ziba has survived his Krapula from
yesterday.. damned we DID drink a lot. Wasted a thought or two on the question
whether I shouldn't fly right back to Helsinki tomorrow after my nightshift
but I guess I decided against it. SIGH though I SHOULD come to a decision soon
what to do. This was my 14th visit and sooner or later someone will declare me
insane if i continue flying there all the time. It's just that it is so damned
nice for me to be there.. I actually think I am a different person there ..
and one I like more than the person I am here. An old friend offered me torent
one of his apartments from him but it is just one room and I don't
particularly like living alone. LOL well it is a weird idea anyway .. after
all moving there would mean to give up my job and giving up a solid contracted
job is almost equaling suicide in nowadays economy. Was fun to meet Drifter
again after such a long time.. must have been one year since I last saw him.
Sa me goes to Cutter. Desperately tried to argue Starshine out of suiciding
his character but so far didn't succeed.... sucks he is one of my oldest
friends and i know him in rl.. he WILL come back anyway... but he is a grown
up and everyone in this world is entitled to commit his or her own mistakes...
I'm still a bit sad that my visit to the states didn't work out as I had
rather high hopes of accomplishing some things there. But again.. one never
knows what it is good for. Next visit to Fu(i)nland might go to Kuopio to see
usvasumutin,Eki and dino again or Thiamin in Joensuu or (most prolly) to my
old friends to Oulu. The amount of close friends I have in Oulu is the second
highest of all finnish cities after Helsinki so it prolly is worth a visit
again. Well we will see... grin I just came back and already I am planning the
next trip... I am hopeless.... Well nightshift proved to be more stress than I
would have expected but having a great team here this night we managed OK I
guess. Co workers are in the adjacent room watching some Disney movie which I
gladly skipped to have more time to concentrate on you, dear blog. So what
else is new besides the fact that I am in hopeless state of yearning for love
and a hug? I have high hopes for our beloved area Votk again as it seems that
now everyone is working on it again so that if I really find energy this week
I can contribute my share to it. Speaking of Beloved.. I am a bit worried bout
him. His mobile was switched of the whole week when i tried to reach him while
being in Helsinki and even communal friends of ours whom I met in U.Kaleva, my
usual place to go when going to a bar in Helsinki, he has not been seen in
some days.... Oh well.. if I would start worrying about the whole world I
would become quite depressed... HAHAHAHA as if I weren't already... My ankle
still hurts like hell.. I hope I didn't tear anything there... I drunkenkly
got stuck in the sauna door in the commune.... anf it's not that it got that
much better.. But still.. it's not worse enough yet t o go and see a doctor so
I'll do what all men do... suffer loudly and tell everyone about my pain so
that they can share it ,). Heard from Dreoca today who run the Helsinki
Marathon which is something I really worship... I wish I would get ANY kicks
out of sports... besides some gymnastics on my bed .. preferably together with
someone good looking buuuuuuut thats another topic. SIGH 3 am .. still 3 h to
go and as I just had some food my food narcosis sets in.. even on the busiest
days I have been asleep around 4 the last week and as 3 am here is 4 am in
Finland... Thinking of it this was prolly the first time in my life when I did
not attend the big summernight festival in my city. It always ends up with
fireworks and me being rather drunk.. but somehow this has changed as well
over the years.. maybe everything else changes around me and I stay the same
ole... or maybe then again it IS me who does change... hmmm. Enjoyed an Email
of my hm ?former? best female friend.. it's sad that we almost stopped contact
nowadays as she is living in another city and in a stable relationship. But
still thats not really an excuse.. i guess it is again about me changing a lot
within the last 2 years or so. It is difficult to adapt to such situations but
still we struggle for our friendship and to some extent I figure we are still
soulmates whether we want it or not. BUT this is getting longer and longer
again and I'm not even sure whether anyone reads this anymore SO I NEED U
guys.. if U do read it tell me and maybe U will manage to magically conjure a
smile on my face of stone and will make me write more again. GNNN fecking
tiredness maybe I should go and watch the disney movie or maybe I should just
stop sitting here and pondering about my life because if one ponders long
enough one will ALWAYS find something sucky in ones life.. I admit I am
especially bad in finding the good things of my life. I seem to be just
mediocre.. except in pondering... there Im a specialist.. gnn. I guess my
strengths are just not hmm socially accepted.. Everyone worships a great
doctor or a great mathematician but a great listener or entertainer.. shrug.
BLAH time for RL. 

JuuuJuuu and flying back tomorrow morning. Will work nightshift right the
night when I come home. Suffering more or less professionally from hangover...
Was out drinking last night with Ziba, Glenfast, Drifter and partly Malar.
Ended up sleeping in a 15m2 closet Glenfast calls his apartment. Girl ended
biting my neck and telling me that she likes being handcuffed and that so far
only german guys were able to pleasure her sexually... Interesting people one
can meet in finnish bars... My visit to NYC is again cancelled... Got kinda
hurt for trusting some people again but if I would give up I wwould not be
able to continue. Oh well Im myself not too sure how I feel atm. Hopefully
more details in the nightshift tomorrow.

bless me for I have tasted love

curse me for I have tasted love

...

Ok blogging from an old laptop in the middle of the night without light isnt a
great idea... My 14th Finland visit started. Im staying at Huppus,Cutters,Dazzt
s and Walors place and they even had mercy with me and gave me this nice
laptop to mud from. I got another cool upgrade to business class so I had
yummie food and decent white wine. Well I DID end up in Koti Pizza with Cutter
later on anyway Buuut its the thought that counts. I can't get rid of the
feeling that I once again fled my rl but then again as long as I am happy...
I'll prolly stay in Helsinki till Friday the 20th so in case anyone wants to
see ne.. go ahead. My finnish mobile number should be somewhere in an earlier
blog entry.

Juuuu sooo looks more and more as if I will be flying to finland on Sunday to
the weird mudding commune of Huppu, Cutter, Dazzt and Walor looking soo
forward to that. Already went shopping to get some stuff for the trip. BUT
before that one early early early shift tomorrow and then one late shift on
saturday. Will be friday the 13th tomorrow.. I hope nothing biggo will happen
at work. Hm what else... Well this getting up early tomorrow sucks like hell
but it is money and without the job I could not make all my great journeys so
it has to be ok. weirdos got a guilditem and I wrote the description which
rocks :).

And another day off work. Had a couple of good talks during the last days with
Huppu, Malar, Malag and Durand just to name a few. Worked earlyshift yesterday
and everything just worked out perfectly. My supervisor asked me to change
work places into the B section of the airport which was just fine cause Tyrils
plane was leaving from there. Managed to check Tyril in and to get him and his
parents nice seats though it took me all my break cause there were some
problems with their E-tickets. Anyway all worked out fine and I was happy to
be of service. Started some coding again and did 3 rooms which is an OK quota
for a day. So now Im enjoying 2 days off work.. then I'll have an early shift
and a late shift and then I'll prolly fly to Helsinki for a week of boozing
and happiness IF Huppu won't be working cause he prolly will be my host this
time. Well I will see. End of the month might then hold a visit to New York or
Boston to meet Jenming and to do some hardcore badass shopping. So actually I
guess my life could be full of happiness... buuuut we are talking about MY
life and of course my life wouldn't be my life if it would be full of
happiness. Which reminds me that I did not talk to hyrmy for a couple of
days... damned my fellow bearer of dark thoughts is gone:( Well Malag is back
from his scout camp so at least there are some interesting talks. Still
wondering what I would do without my finns in my life. But again.. happiness
should come from within me... :(

Humfdidumfdi. My finns are gone since some days, I have been working 3 days
and have had a glorious day off today which I used to meet tyril again who is
flying back home tomorrow. Luckily the shift which I took over for a coworker
tomorrow is in the time when his flight leaves so I can see him again to say
goodbye. The talks with him and his parents SO got me into the mood of flying
to the states though. Sadly jenming whom I wanted to see in the US is semi
busy in my open time frame from the 15th till the 21st. SO I might be going to
Finland instead in that time --- providing that I get a place to stay in
helsinki --- and to the US after the 23rd or so... Am a bit pissed at myself
that I seem only to be happy when I have friends around and sad when I'm
alone. A co worker once told me that it is important that one finds happiness
within oneself and not from others... something I so far have not been able to
do. Sometimes I should just learn to improvise and maybe with the improvising
there might be happiness.....

3 am .. it's darned hot in here and I just watched Fahrenheit 9/11. Being a
more or less intelligent individual i of course realize that Moore is doing
what those whom he despise do as well... namely manipulating people. I guess
some talks with my american friends showed that to me as well when I talked to
them. Still I can't help but wonder and shake my head about mankind.. Am I an
arrogant asshole if i think that everything could be so much better if people
would listen to each other? But I guess wars will be fought as long as money
exists and smarter heads than mine have been pondering about a perfect
society. I guess I should be happy that i have a soft bed and enough food..
what else do I want? Been talking to hyrmy again. Seems as if I'll have to pay
him a visit when I'm in Jyväskylä next time. Lurkku and his gf safely reached
London.. so Im alone again.. Time do do some more pondering. Benn thinking
about friends etc etc a lot during the last few days. What are friends I mean
is there like a category tataaa now u are a friend? I guess I make friends too
easily but then again it is the only possibility... I often found that in my
life I got rewarded when i opened myself up and it is me after all. maybe I
should just try to get more comfortable with whom I am.

And another day of my existance called life. Had quite a busy week. Lurkku and
his gf were here and we have been on tour every day. Being a tourist is
stressy :P but we had so much fun. Been to a couple of places I haven't been
before. Again shows how much my finnish friends mean to me. Today I had a
family celebration and it once again showed me to try never to grow up... it's
just too gruesome. Later on looked at old pictures.. from around my abitur
time.. damned I looked so young and innocent. Pomdering whether it is a good
or a bad thing to lose once innocence.. and not talking about getting laid,
though I am again quite missing a hug. 

10   femko          91  25 

Whee on tenth place again on the friends plaque. Had a 6h shift today ... not
that much to do today though. Actually even managed to start reading a bit.
Finally got home, checked what is missing for Lurkku and his girl friend who
will arrive here tomorrow. Came home.. fucking tired... only to be reminded
that Tyro and Lasanta will be coming through Frankfurt today.... so I drove
right back to the airport... only to arrive too late as there was a big
accident on the Autobahn. Well I met em anyway in the end, we had a beer in a
pub at the airport and I saw to it that they were getting into the right
airplane to fly to helsinki now. It's fucking cool that mud gets the people
together like that.  Now looking forward to have Lurkku and his lady here
tomorrow... I'm becoming a professional tourist guide. First Tyril now Lurkku
and his gf. :)

blah sleep who needs sleep. I'm back home (sorry for those who hoped
otherwise) ended flying finnair which was nice for a change though my poor
parents had to pick me up in the other terminal. Well anyway. found something
I wrote when I flew TO finland over a week ago when I unpacked and shrug it
belongs here though I would see it differently today:

18.7.04 Whee writing Blog in an airplane... let's see whether I ever really
manage to type that stuff again to get it published. One of the rare moments
when I feel so happy to be me -> please remind me of that moment when I'm down
whining again dear reader. Sitting on 1F in the first row of an Airbus A321
flying to Helsinki. I just finished a yummie - even vegetarian (!) meal,
waiting for the purser to serve me coffee. I got a whole row of 3 seats for my
leisure and could get used to this. I AM a lazy ass :). I just had my second
glass of dry white wine and enjoying a happy, happy, joy, joy state. It WAS
stress after all... I worked early shift beginning at 5.30 this morning and
the big summer vacation started 2 days ago... basically meaning that our
check-in counters were crowded like hell ... BUT ... now I'm in business
class, reading a great book (my Fidelma ovels reached me yesterday), writing
blog, drinking coffee and eating yummie cookies I was served for the coffee.
Oh and I'm listening to 'We are the Champions' by Queen on my MP3 player.

Oh boys... if I ONLY could feel that happy and carefree all my life - I feel 
could make great things happen. LOL ... OK that sounded egocentric... but
still... I really think I could accomplish something ... and instead I'm -
once again - fleeing to what has become my second home by now - Finland. funny
that of all these countries I've visited I feel most at home in Finland. OK...
repetition alert: I SHOULD move there... Sigh I kinda skipped my final exams
which would lead to my M.A. again for this trip... But I took care of an
elderly lady today who told me to enjoy life every fucking day (or... she
didn'T say fucking) of it while I'm young. She told me about her dreams and
wishes and told me that she is too old for most of them now and that she
wished she would have done more when she was younger. So maybe my friends and
co-workers call me crazy cause I'm going abroad all the time... but then again
do I care? Blah - I LIKE being crazy and for fucks sake who isn't?! (Copyright
for 'for fucks sake' goes to Brog :) )

And another week gone... after boozing with Kotivalo/Beloved, Enochian and
Durand last Sunday, this sunday hosts me being sad as usually as I'll have to
go back home. Ok I'll try to spare U the usual my life sucks aria I'd be
singing on days like that... I'll have one more day off work on tuesday and
then one early shift before Lurkku and his girl will arrive in Frankfurt and
I'll do all the tourist stuff I did with Tyril yet again.. giggle well at
least now I know my way around... more or less. Spent some nice days with
Pokka and his family at the families mansion aeh mökki ,). Found out that my
planers only gave me 5 shifts in August which is not exactly what I was hoping
for.... oh well ... it might give me some other chances to travel even more
and flee my miserable existence called life I got in Germany. Got a drunken
invitation to Turku from Runeaxe.. damned we must have been a cute couple both
pissed drunk in the local bar... SIGH. If U ever go boozing with Runeaxe in
'hullu pullo' and he offers u a drink which 'tastes exactly like a milk shake'
don't take it... At least I had drunken luck and found the toilet there in
time.....  Met a couple of proud Vsa+ members ... I guess I made a great
impression.. SIGH again. Oh well whatever.. Going back home always sucks. I
HATE to have friends abroad.. whenever I see them Im a visitor first and a
friend second and I'd prefer just to be a friend. Blah.. Germany I'm coming
home.

12   femko          90  27 

Whee 12 place again.. Well it will go down while I am in Finland for a week.
Nevertheless looking SO forward to it. I admit flying after my shift tomorrow
will be stress but it means I will have more time in Vaasa this way. Spending
one night at Kotivalos place till Monday then flying to Vaasa to see Pokka. Im
nervous... sigh I always am when Im travelling... Oh well 050 473 9954 is my
sonera prepaid card number which means its my mobile while I am in Finland. So
feel free to call and keep me entertained while I'm over... Hugs fans, love u
all!

Juuuu And welcome in another day of, me and my life. Enjoy boring stories
about the life of a German and how he cannot get it under control.  Last of my
days off today. Went shopping to get a solid stash of alcohol for my finland
visit. Pondering whether to fly Sun after my shift, on monday or on tuesday.
Well will have to talk with Pokka when he is online again. Otherwise I started
working on my second subarea for Malar but somehow inspiration left me for a
moment.. or maybe I'm just too busy working and travelling. I do like the
ideas I have for it though.. Or maybe I am just a tad bit too busy with my rl
again. I'm still living my Chinese Curse. There is a Chinese Curse saying: May
you live in interesting times.. .. .. Ok just checked it.. apparently it is
not really chinese but it is an urban legen that it is chinese and it truly
has been invented by the americans as being a chinese curse. Well whatever.. I
am living in interesting times. My project to get my fingers well again is
about to fail... I found myself in situations when I nded picking at my
cuticles again though I had the balm with me. (OK if U don't know what I'm
talking about, you are not a regular reader of my decent ramblings in here.
Well well well will have early shift again tomorrow.. so basically Ill have to
get up at the time I went to bed today... At least its not the starting shift
at 5am but a later one at 6am.... Sad thing is that I ran out of Sister
Fidelma novels.. so I had to order new ones.. and the one being next in row
needs over a week :( So Ill skip one and read it later I guess...I will need
stuff to read on my trip. Still can only tell you to get a Sister Fidelma or a
Brother Cadfael novel if U like historic crime novels like Name of the Rose.
Had a very good talk with a friend of mine who is a priest in Switzerland a
couple of days ago. He invited me to visit him and he is living in a house
from 1600. So it sounds as if I have a new place to visit on my voyages
throughout the world.

Warning...Am drunk warning... Should learn to trust my judgement of people...
I really should... Just another of those days where I feel betrayed down to
the core by those I learnt to trust over careful attempts. Maybe all the anti
depression pills of the world cannot do anything about the depression that
follows being betrayed by by those that one likes. BUUUUT it's my life.. I
should learn from these and get stronger..but somehow it still is hurting me
more than it should. Been busy getting drunk each of the last 3 evenings.. Got
one more day off work then 3 early shifts.. sigh buuut it's money and at least
I like my job and I don't feel like real working but like having fun when I go
to work..  Had a long and nice webcam conversation with Pokka whom I met at
Kuopiocon and it seems as if I might end up in his Mökki with him when I fly
to Finland on Monday. Would mean that my journeys would take me to Vaasa this
time.. which would rock cause I don't know that part of Finland. Blah I like
and hate this evenings when Im alone and getting drunk.. originally I once
swore to myself that I would look for help if I would start drinking on my
own.. Oh weeeeeell. German saying is everyone is closest with himself.. or
something like that.. Maybe I should just try to forget the rest and live my
life.. it's just a bit difficult to be me sometimes.

Still proud of my changing finger replies. I have about 10 or so of my
favorite song lyrics in my plan and they change randomly. Still feeling a bit
sad that Tyril has gone ... was mucho fun to be a tourist though rather
fatiguing. Bad news of the day is that I again dropped places on the friend
plaque but shrug since I can't influence it it's ok somehow.. I shouldn't
define myself over a number in a game but oh well... Good news is that Shardik
approved my sub areas so that at least my part of VOTK is ready to rumble. Am
still waiting when it will go online. Feel like a loser again since I guess I
postponed my final exam again... It would allow me to finally start writing my
Masters thesis. Went to the shop with my mum today. She ended up buying a new
mobile and was showing off playfully as she now has a newer model than I have.
She also bought me a fucking expensive nail and cuticle balm.. whenever I get
stressed I am picking at my cuticles .... on bad times I have a couple of my
fingers bleeding and open wounds are not what I especially like.. well maybe
that balm will help.. Im busy applying it to my fingers all the time and
prolly should carry it around with me at work as well.. at least it is smellig
nicely.. :P AND it's from body shop. Also I ended up buying yet another DVD.
Life of Brian.. watched it in english for the first time. Usually everything
is dubbed on German TV so I enjoy having it in english now. Watched a hell of
DVDs with tyril while he was here and I start being proud of my collection.
Hyrmy commented on my Blogs today and how much they amuse him.. gave me at
least a lil ego boost... at least someone is interested in the shit I am
typing in here. Work block is starting tomorrow... 5 shifts in a row.. oh
well.. at least they aren't early shifts but late and day shifts though the
day shifts are in between.. well I'll survive... I hope...

Where is love?

Does it fall from skies above? Is it underneath the willow tree That I've been
dreaming of? Where is she? Who I close my eyes to see? Will I ever know the
sweet "hello" That's meant for only me?

Who can say where she may hide? Must I travel far and wide? 'till I am bedside
the someone who I can mean somethin to ... Where...? Where is love?

Who can say where...she may hide? Must I travel...far and wide? 'till I am
beside...the someone who I can mean...something to... Where? Where is love?

Whee Nightshift again. Been busy the last 4 days being a tourist in Germany.
Tyril arrived on Wednesday.. I have to admit I was a bit nervous.. I have had
so many great hosts on all my journeys that I hope I'm not being a pain in the
neck with all my attempts to be a good hosts. Well anyway I'm enjoying his
company very much and since I know the way I tick I already know that I'll be
rather sad once he will leave on Monday. we have been to a couple of place
which I usually never would visit like old castles etc. etc. but then again
it's been quite fun to go there. Even my parents have happily embraced him and
he prolly could start as their adopted son whenever he would like. Sucked that
I had this nightshift while he is here but if I would have given it away I
might have lost quite some money as this is the best shift I can possibly
work. Nightshifts from Sat-Sun don't only give night bonus but also the sunday
bonus.. I think... or hope ... or figure ... or whatever.  Still I am not
feeling tooooo good... ever since I got to finland for my last visit my mind
has been on the verge of kicking me into one of my darker stages again and I
am still fighting against it. Momentarily this visit of a friend is keeping it
away as I simply don't have the time to think much but then again it IS giving
me thinks to think about as well... Luckily (?) I will have a whole shitload
of shifts after Nate (Tyril) has left so maybe that will keep me busy again..
though I fear it might only postpone the inevitable. Smirk, still or again
pondering why I am writing all this shit here...  Blah, go figure for
yourself. Should work on my area again.. I really would like to have VOTK
(Valley of the Kings) in the game asap.  Humdidum.. usually I AM quite fond of
nightshifts.. this time it just bare sucks cause I know that I could spent
quality time with a friend whome I prolly won't see again that soon. That's
the sucky point of having friends across the world... in the end u have to
battle for keeping a friendship alife and not allowing it to fall into being
'just' an acquaintance. I do have so many finnish friends and a handfull in
the USA but still.. whenever I see them, I see them as a visitor and not as a
friend. It's just not that I could hop over for a beer or a coffee and that
fact sometimes threatens to rip me apart. I guess it is one of my biggest
fears to lose those I care for. *mutter* now I'm getting sentimental again. 
Dropped on place 14 of the friendship plaque again .. lol fitting.. I'm
writing about losing friends and end up losing some - if only in the virtual
reality of BatMud. Blah, on days like these I wish I could just turn my head
off and be a happy happy joy joy robot.. but then again that's not what life
is about after all.  So what IS life about then... suffering and the hope to
be happy afterwards. Damned I envy people like Tyril for their optimism.. I
often wish I could be so optimistic.. and yet again.. would it really be me if
I would adopt totally different behaviorisms? Prolly not.. but would that be
such a bad thing? Gnnnnnnn to much pondering = not good. If I wouldn't be
working I prolly would simply get drunk... which indeed isn't a solution
either... Wondering when to get sleep before going out for touristing with
Tyril in a few hours again. Well well well, who needs sleep anyway ... (Yes I
do, but ....) His visit also painfully reminded me on how rusty my english is
nowadays.. seems I'm making mistakes all the time and, though I didn't ask him
yet, I fear my German heritage is undeniable when speaking English. 4:41 am...
the airport is slowly waking up again .. or then it never really slept. First
co-worker arrived for the 5 am shift well at least means that I prolly will
not have to go for more things to do till I'll be off in a bit more than 1
hour. Blah why can't I simply be happy with what I got.....

Whee. First early shift more or less successfully survived. Prolly got on the
nerves of ALL my co workers as I was desperately trying to get rid of that
shift in 2 days. Tyril will arrive here tomorrow and I wanted to have the day
off on Thursday so that I can do tourist stuff with him.. and YES also so that
I can booze with him tomorrow evening. Maybe I'll drag him to a german pool so
that he can sob about non existant german sauna culture... Well anyway it took
me like 60 Emails and about 20 SMS to get rid of that friggin shift BUT one of
my former trainees had mercy with me.. always good to have been training
trainees... Well I'll be taking over another shift from him in exchange.. so
that at some point I will have a 5 or 6 shift block.. but it's worth it if it
means I can be a nice host... Currently Im pondering whether to have a nap or
not.. It's 5 PM and I woke up at 4.30 am today and will have to do the same
tomorrow.... whatever. Luckily my parents will be away as well while Tyril is
here so no stress from their side. I'm nervous lol funny.. I visited so many
people already and noe that I finally get a visitor on my own I'm nervous.. or
more hmm excited. It'S a bit like a schoolkid whose friend comes over for a
sleep-in or such.. what shall we do etc etc. Gnnn damned tiredness... was not
myself at work again.. Took me ages to get going and then I was not feeling to
well... No fun to work in services if feeling depressed I guess.Hope the
weather will stay the way it is for Tyrils visit.

Jei! Historic day was on place 9 of the friendship plaque..... and that was
about the best thing that happened today. Spent most of my day in bed sulking
around. Work starting again tomorrow .. early early shift. Have to wake up at
4.30.. work starting at 5.30. Should go to bed and sleep but of course not
tired since I have been off work for over 3 weeks now. Well at least this 9th
place on the plaque managed to cheer me up a bit. At least it shows i have
friends.

Oh for fucks sake.. yet another blog. Returned from my Juhannus/Kuopiocon
Finland trip which was the 12th Finland visit in my life and within the last
1,5 years. Unfortunately flew home on Juhannus day namely friday. Just felt I
am getting too old. Stayed at 6 different places during this 9 or 10 days
visit and just yearned for my own bed and my own shower. Arrived in Helsinki
last Wednesday, met up with my former apprentice Ziba who hosted me for the
night, ended up going boozing with Ziba, Malar, Beloved and Chamber... luckily
we had to take an early train as my flight left rather early on thursday. Took
The new finnish partner airline of my company, namely Blue 1 and was
pleasantly surprised. I have been a fan of Avro jets for a long time since I
took one to Dublin and it was a nice flight. Got picked up by Usvasumutin and
GF at Kuopio airport in the morning, only to end up at Eki's place where I
even got the luxury of my own room and bed for three nights. Precon was pretty
cool on friday and I was wasted for the second and last time during that trip.
Con itself on Saturday was OK but unfortunately my ever depressed head didn't
feel like partying and made my life a bit hard during that day.. in the night
Superlaama, Dagel, Kerpele and Usvasumutin crashed into Ekis place as well as
they were not able to get home anymore... Oh well since I had my own room and
could close the door aaaaaaaand was sober I coulcn't care less... Drove to
Oulu on Sunday together with Ggr, Pertulio and Xunisiih, was a nice trip
taking into consideration that they were all having heavy hangover and I was
tired like hell. Well at least Dagel was happy that he could crawl into my bed
after I left Ekis place. Spent some hours on Oulu Trainstation till Brog and a
friend picked me up and we ended up in Brogs Mökki for three days. Was VERY
peacefull and prolly a real highlight of my travelling during this year. I
even got used to the damned outdoor makeshift toilet they have... Spent one
more night in Oulu then from Wed to thursday HAH ok was drunk then too so it
was 3 times... W e went to the Hot Night Bar or Club or whatever and they sell
their pints for 1 Euro on wednesdays.... The hangover on Thursday helped me
decide to fly home asap... so I flew to helsinki on Thursday, stayed one night
at my old friend Starshine's place and finally arrived back home in my bed and
under my shower on Friday.... It'S a pity I didn't see the real Juhannus as I
flew home on the friday but then again  I DID have my share of drunken finns
on Kuopiocon and I didn'T get an invitation to any 'traditional' party or
Mökki So what the heck.. home I am. Can't help feeling as if I'm living some
kind of weird double life... already hopeing to get back to finland asap. Will
get my first mud visitor in a few days. Looks like Tyril will crash in here
for 2 nights before he continues his studies inGermany. looking forward for
that though I'm still hoping that I'll get rid of a shift I have during the
time he is here.. oh well.. we will see... Should try to sleep... it's 3 am
again and I have fucking early shift in 2 days....

And another successful day in the life of Femko the lil Wizzie. Slept too long
 (wonder oh wonder) then ws dragged to my aunt... Now don't you get me long. I
love my aunt. But she CAN get one ones nerves somnetimes.She is that type of
aunt who lives alone, never married and thinks that everything in your life
could be better if you would listen to her. Today luckily she 'only' told me
that I should lose weight... Went for a nice walk with an old friend in the
evening... only to meet a boar..... it made nice noices... and we ran... was
almost as tall as my knee high... Well we survived the boar. Came home and
decided to check some flights.. got shocked when I found out that my flights
are looking shitty for finland.. made a spontaneous decision and called my
office .. the nightshift said they are not very busy so I drove there at 1.30
am or so. Checked all possible flights and came up with TWO happy news...
Seems I messed up dates when I checked flights from home.. flights are looking
good on the days I have in mind. So I might fly on Wednesday or Thursday to
Helsinki and then on to Kuopio. Will have to check with Usvasumutin and Eki
for that. Second GREAT news was that Blue 1 (formerly called Air Botnia) has
increased its flights within Finland AND they will become a member of the Star
Alliance to which my airline also is belonging.. to make a long story short it
means that my travelling within Finland now will be even easier which rocks!
Blue 1 is a 100% daughter of SAS. Hm what else... Looking forward like hell to
this Finland visit again! Kuopiocon will rock though I hope I won't be too
stressed as I'm an admin. Hihi...hullu sakemanni is an admin of a finnish
con... Trying to buy some stuff for the trip tomorrow. Already bought some
nice Bourbon. Will have to get some Sauerkraut.... promised to show Rutaliator
what it looks like... :P. Might also go and watch Harry Potter III with my
mother tomorrow.. my crappy friends here do not want to see it in english..
sigh everything is dubbed here and I don't wanna see it in german. Oh well
should be a nice opportunity to do something with my mother and maybe she will
pay :P. Daaaamned this Blue 1 thing ROXOR!

Great ... half a week ago my pc made a loud crack... and nothing worked
anymore... it didn't even boot. Called the service line and they told me that
they will send a service technician... Mudded with the laptop of my mother
during the last few days and waited for the technician.... they arrived today
and diagnosed that I had the questionable honor to experience a harddisk
headcrash. So now I have a new harddisk.... still doesn't help me over the
fact that I didn't make any backups and that all my pictures and music is
gone. Worst thing is that my pictures of my visit to Japan are gone... I
nearly cried when I heard that.. lol they are just bits and bytes but still..
oh well grizzt managed to cheer me up again when he told me that no one can
take my memories and I guess that's right. Will take some days though till I
have arranged everything again on my new harddisk so that I can use that one
again to access the net. Luckily I am no longer dependant on my triggers :P.
Coded and finally finished the first version of my sub area for Malars bigger
one. Actually was quite fun to do something different from valley of the
kings. Still I hope to make a whole area just by myself sooner or later. Not
many news on VOTK. Still undergoing approval.**

One more early shift one more early shift one more.. aeh... ok.. Only one more
shift to go till my vacation starts. Have had trainees with me the last 3
shifts which actually is not that bad. I like to train em, I like to be kept
busy during work and I apreciate that my supervisors trust me in assigning
them to me. Since votk things are all going their usual way I have been
working on some subareas for Malar. So far they are fun to do and I have had
some nice ideas... prolly will do em during the next week or so once my shifts
are finally over. RL has brought not much new as well... planning a visit to
Ljubljana to meet my buddy Blux but atm it looks as if I would not get a hotel
there... but we will see. Got opening shift tomorrow, meaning I'll have to get
up at 4 am... sigh... but the last one...

Work got me back.. had two early shifts.. I still hate em.. plus they were
darned busy. Had to change all my shifts cause my plan was totally wrong.
Seems I'll have many days off in June. Got news that at least this time a
mökki visit might work after Kuopiocon. Buuuuuuut I have experienced almost
everything by now so.. let's wait and see. Got my first area approved
yesterday. Votk here we come. Finally had the time to talk to my old friend
Brog again. Was a bit like in old times. And I used the modern computer
science to have a cool webcam session with Rutaliator somne days ago. All in
all not much happened. Emptied the last of the beer I brought with me from
Luxemburg. Have to admit, Belgian fruit beer is my cup of tea! Definitely!
Check out KRIEK in Alko finns! Day shift tomorrow, then one early shift.. the
change day to early shift usually is VERY killing.. U get off work at 18:30 at
one day and start at 5:30 the next day... But I'm doing almost everything for
my beloved Finland. Have to admit it was very shocking to see how many
mistakes my approver still found in my english.. and that though 2 other
people already looked through my area.. oh well. Maybe I shouldn't finish my
studies after all.. I guess I'm not as good in english as I always thought.

Spent a very nice day with my parents. We went on a day trip to Luxemburg. On
the way there we stopped in a butterfly garden... they have a huge greenhouse
there and there are hundreds of butterflies in there... Damned they were
beautiful and from around the world. I spent some time with my dad in the Bock
casemates .. was partly a bit frightening to walk through the middle of a hill
sorrounded by dunno how many tons of solid rock. Hehe maybe one of my next
areas will have casemates too. Logged on in the evening only to find that I
dropped 7 places on the friendship plaque and Stainedsoul suicided...
Therefore I might have gotten an approver finally. We will see. All in all a 
rather good day after all. (Though I miss my places on the plaque) Luxemburg
was great and my parents and me got along rather well (surprisingly ,) ).
Discovered a great new crime series while reading on the car ride... Sister
Fidelma novels by Peter Tremayne. In case u ever read Brother Cadfael novels
and liked them, I'm sure u will love FIdelma.  Grrrr 1:30 am .. I just called
my nightshift co workers... they they told me about my work schedule next
month and it is like TOTALLY wrong .. sigh I will have to call office tomorrow
as they have given me shifts around Kuopiocon and Juhannus .. sigh I hope I
can solve this tomorrow but it is giving me unnecessary stress and I usually
have enough stress in my life so that things like that are just gnnnnnnnnnnn.

Malicats Plan:

>Malicat [kinky+]: I had a bit of a thing with a mudder on here awhile back..
and he summoned me to the freezer and pounced on me. 

>Malicat [kinky+]: I have a twisted view of romance. :) 

>Femko <kinky+>: I onced dyed my hair with mud hairdye from bc ne quadrant to
look good for mudsex ,) 

Ok after a friend asked me to write more blogs because: "It is so good to see
that people out there have an even more rotten life than mine"... (Thanks
Rutaliator :P ) it's time for a few sentences. Been rather busy debugging my
areas once again and still waiting for aproval or actually even an aprover. Am
still quite happy about what I wrote so far. Did some cool shit with one of my
sub areas and am looking forward to see how long it will take people to even
FIND it. That attempt to code something more difficult than normal rooms
though once again showed me that every wiz has his strong sides. grizzt did a
great job helping me and he knows a lot more bout code than I do ... but then
again I produce areas far faster than he does. And not too bad areas I hope.
Well anyway.. that has been keeping me a bit busy as well as rl.. some
decision that had to be made finally was made and Im feeling a bit better now
... seems I may start becoming a bit less static now. Buuut we will see. Went
to see a german comedy in the cinema and they had the main actors there as
well which was cool and I got some more autographs, though I would not be me
if it wouldn't have led me to ponder what would have happened if I would have
followed my heart and would have become an actor. I hast acting classes in
school as a subject and it was my best subject.. I even studied theater
science once and unfortunately gave it up cause I had this weird idea that I
want to become a happy happy joy joy slave of society and earn mucho money,
thus changing my minor. Before anyone asks YES I changed it to economics...
and NO I only lasted there for 2 semesters till I changed it to roman catholic
theology.. smirk. Well where was I.. I was busy coding and blah whatever. Also
been playing quite some stuff on the computer besides bat... hehe I even
needed new batteries for my cordless mouse cause I used it that often. A bit
sad that I didn't fly anywhere in my week off.. but oh well. Looking forward
to kuopio con and Juhannus .. that is if I find a place to s tay between con
and juhannus. *wink**wink*

Oooh annnd before I forget.. I finally made place 10 on the fridnship plaque..
am beaming like hell :)

What a day.. woke up being damned depressed and lonely, somehow dragged me to
work only to find out that I had a trainee... have to admit wasn't to happy
about it.. turned out it was cool though. She was a very nice girl and smiling
all the time whih eventually even infected me and when I came home I had made
a decision that needed to be made. Finally felt a bit better after making the
important decision. Had a long nice nap after coming home and felt even better
when waking up. Prolly won't come to finland next week though.. change of
plans once again... at least I will be there for KuopioCon and hopefully
Juhannus. I hate growing up... ***

 Great somehow I just found myself in the situation where I couldnt even think
of yet another formulation for 'Am fucking down'.. so I guess I won't say it
at all. Had a great Eurovision Song Contest party last night and paid for it
with a major hangoveronly to be kicked into the face virtually again by
somehow I care for very much. There seems to be a pattern in it.. I always am
the one who suffers and never the one who causes suffering. Though it is nice
not to cause suffering it is certainly not nice to suffer. Somehow I always
end being rather helpless in such situations.. funnily enough I sure always
find solutions in job and a supporting word for others but when it comes to
myself I am a helpless victim of my very own emotions. Well they Do say that
admitting ones problems is the first step to solve them... still waiting for
the solving part though. Got early shift tomorrow... great going.. I got up at
2pm today and will have to get up at 4.30 am tomorrow morning... how I hate
shifts sometimes... In addition to that still didnt find any solution to my
lil 'what to do between kuopiocon and juhannus' problem but there is still a
month to go and I'll be in Helsinki once before that will come to happen.
Flying prolly Friday and staying for a week. Looking forward to the trip like
I'm always. Still.... should get my life under control to get away from this
terrible soap opera I'm living in.

Puuuuh. 7 shifts behind me now... and only one day off in between. Absolute
highlight of these shifts was when I had the honor to take care of Dame Edna.
(www.dame-edna.com) I just LOVE the show and i was so damned happy to take
care of him ... I even got an autograph which is something I usually don't
bother my passengers with. Not much else to say since I really just have been
working, working, working ... damned shifts managed to get my bio / sleeping
rhythm totally topsy turvy again well well well buuuut it's ok now I do have
almost a whole week off and there will be the biiiig Eurovision Song Contest
Party I'm organizing for my friends on Saturday. Maybe we watch a DVD before
it and then we will nicely get wasted it's an old old tradition in my circle
of friends. Helsinki will be coming right afterwards... seems as if I'll be a
busy bee this month. Hehe it'S funny.. my blogs seem to be so much more
interesting when I am NOT working though I am not doing anything besides
mudding when not working.. what a pathetic life. Ordered the DVD of Orlando
might take some weeks though :((.

My left little toe is glowing red -> check Dino's blog from 8th of may for
explanation....

Woke up, was happy cause I saw that my auctioned DVD from Ebay finally
arrived... opened it and found a video... checked the description again and
started sobbing cause I was indeed bidding for a video instead of a DVD ...
and of course I paid more for the video thatn it would have been worth .. and
it is in german now sigh while a DVD I would have gotten in english as well.
BUuuut as it is my very own mistake.. shrug. Still slightly pissed specially
since I got my wages for last month and because I bought so many tickets they
are rather rather low... oh well.  Got another cool DVD called Hedwig and the
angry Inch... it may rival Rocky Horror Picture Show at least it is the same
league. Am a bit busy organizing  my next Helsinki trip not to even talk about
the one in next month which should take me over Juhannus if I find some nice
Mökki with even nicer people there. At least Kuopiocon is coming and I hope it
will be like 10 times cooler than campcon since I'll be there ,). Still trying
to solve the aprover problem as well... I want our area open asap. Otherwise
enjoying my one whole day off today.... smirk  4 more shifts beginning
tomorrow. Talked to my favorite noob Ggr yesterday again.

Some shifts behind me now. Got one whole day off and then another block of 4
shifts but at least I will have worked most of my shifts for the whole month
after that and can concentrate on planning my next Finland visit which will be
somewhen at the weekend around the 21st for hopefully a week. Campcon plans
are dead R.I.P. since all flights are fucking full on the days before it ..
bit shitty date cause the thursday before it is a national holiday here so
everybody uses it to fly away for a weekend or more. Congrats to Veko or
whatever his hers its name was as he she it managed to get the second place
now on the top blogs list with his her its useless gibberish. Got 2 bottles of
wine as a present yesterday and looked them up in the net.. turned out that
each bottle is around 20 bucks which is quite something for a bottle here. 

[19:27]:Femko <weirdos+>: U dont belong in my channel

[19:27]:<weirdos+>: Femko sobs unconsolably.

[19:27]:Zin <weirdos+>: you don't belong in my mud

[19:28]:Femko <weirdos+>: well why dont I go then

[19:28]:<weirdos+>: Zin waves Femko goodbye.

Started working again. Checked some flights in case I would decide pro campcon
but it sure looks as if all our flights to NYC are fucking full on these days
and I wouldn't be able to use my yearly booked flight.. I surely doubt I would
risk a standby flight for the states... sooooo it seems as if the flight
situation took the decision away from me. But we will see. Had a rather pissy
day at work. Somehow was major agressive and had to restrain myself not to
snap at everyone .. and thats not a good state to be in in my job. Had to get
up at 4.30 am and that kinda sucked though I managed to get into bed around
10.00 PM last night. Woke up once around 1 am and was awake for like 1 h then.
We will see when I will fall into slumber today then. Atm trying to stay awake
cause if I would go to bed now I couldn't sleep in the night again.. maybe a
short nap hmmmmmmm well time will show. Finished my fourth subarea for valley
of the kings finally. Now have written exactly 90 rooms of code.. dammit I
can't wait to get the stuff out. I somehow can't concentrate on new thinks
while the valley is not open. Looking forward to Kuopiocon.. only will have to
see to it that this year I won't be the only sober person around like last
year... that was the only thing that kinda sucked. Also still hope to get a
nice invitation for Juhannus at a cool Mökki or something after the con *wink
wink*. Was surprised to see that Viko is about to take my second place on the
top blogs list.... but then again it'S about quality not quantity ,). Had some
talks with Ggr who seems to be a nicely interested mortal indead.

what a day. Lost a rl fight bout love or so it seems... atm feeling quite
empty again about it. Woke up being called by my mum who told me that my dad
crashed his car. Luckily no one is hurt but the repair will cost quite a bit.
Still pondering why it seems that I am doomed to always end up in super
complicated relationships in which I'm not even sure whether they actually ARE
relationships. I guess it gets easier with the time.. but it's not a pretty
state and I fear that one day I will be too cold to start anything cause I
fear that it ends like all the other things.

Blah. Also pondered about going to Campcon after all though it would mean that
I would be basically away whole June cause I definitely will go to Kuopiocon
and want to stay in Finland for Juhannus as well. Well I will see. Would mean
rearranging my work shifts and stuff and I'm not even sure whether I would get
the OK from my bosses for that.

Finished another subarea. Now contributed 6 to our area and i think this will
be it. Did some fine tuning and more tweaking as well as debugging of other
code as well. Blah still with the first topic somehow. How can it be that by
now I have more friends in Finland than in Germany. Sigh I guess the cheap
travelling is a negative point as well... I really neglect my rl here and
somehow only live for all the travelling I do. Atm it looks as if I'll be in
Helsinki middle of may and then campcon if I decide to go then home and
Finland again.... I should mov there after all. Atm I also have this far away
plan that I might start doing something for my studies again afterwards i can
still decide whether I will spent some time abroad or not. Who knows.... after
all an M.A. title does sound nice. Fuck this... someone fix my rl for me.

Got up. What a start. Had some booze alone yesterday, pondering about people
and PEOPLE again.. but for that read my earlier blogs. Read some Blogs of
other players, got outside yelled about the stupidity of some woman in general
and americans in special and went back in again after calling someone who
explained me how I open the door.  Noo Joke aside... feeling Ok for a change
today (HAH Im lying to myself) Wondering in which direction to go and what to
do. Still don't understand though how PEOPLE can get through life so much more
better than people.... prolly the old problem of the world that those who yell
loudest are thought to be the cutest. Well I still have faith in my friends
that those who I see as important can distinguish between people and PEOPLE.
Well I'm prolly biased... 

I really wonder whether it comes from my studies (soon to be M.A. in American
Studies) that I see the USA so sceptically nowadays.. after all they used to
be my absolute favorite holiday country as a kid... but maybe then I was
blinded by the happy happy joy joy advertising and the brainwashing... 

Whatever. Some friends might come over tonight and i plan to have an extensive
greaaaaaaat full bath later on with some well smelling bubble stuff and maybe
some candles and a good book.. damned I love myself when I'm romantic. Coding
goes well. Seems we agreed we want our area released till Kuopiocon though I
have my doubts we will have everything we need till then and then there also
is the question of  aproval... Our aprover is doing a great job but then again
he has a whole shitload of stuff to aprove. 

Currently listening to the weirdest stuff at all. Atm I really like Icelandic
Music.. my favorite is Pál Óskar. I should ask Jutom to check out how much the
albums are over there when he goes back to Iceland.

Hey You. 

Get the fuck out of my mirror.

Hollow man.

Moving 

Without drive though

Just following the strings

What, You're not pulling em?!

I'm falling...

Humor warning:

Came back from Finland yesterday. Originally wanted to stay over Vappu but the
cuddly natives couldn't get me a place to stay in their tents with no
doorknobs and unsliced pizza. So I stayed at the airport for 4 h and pondered
what attracts me in this rural country of ever so happy but yet simple people.
They are so sweet and cuddly and it is all so great and gorgeous ooooh I wish
I could die full of happiness.

Humor over

Back home. Bit pissed that I couldn't stay over Vappu. But then again I can
concentrate on coding (and learning how to open a door). Missing usvasumutin
and the other guys from Kuopio already. Originally hoped to meet my old friend
Barry at the airport but unfortunately fate once again killed the chance. Well
I DO have a week off in May and I hope I will be back for Kuopiocon and
Juhannus.

For all of u out there. It is not difficult to operate a finnish door and sane
people can eat Pizza. Same goes for finnish keyboards.. it's not that they are
all lil nice animals in a zoo here... (And yes I'm going back home tomorrow if
I will be able to open the door without asking someone)

The man in the mirror Who are you looking at me with tears in your eyes, are
you crying for the world or for yourself? Time to wake up, honey! Only ten
minutes more mum... One of these days when You feel lonely,  no matter how
many people are around You. When will the jet engine hit me. When will the
world end? Maybe we are just chess pieces  and maybe I'm stalemate. Maybe the
life is a game and maybe I got caught cheating  and maybe I broke the rules.
Maybe my game is not Yours. And maybe I*m the only player, running around the
chessboard  alone Who are you looking at me with tears in your eyes, you are
crying alone You know. **

And another day where I feel cast out of paradise. Someone rather important to
me has been hm lets say disappointing (and thats to put it rather mildly) me
over and over again and it has reached a certain climax atm. Some friends of
mine tell me I seemingly like to get myself in situations where I am
threatened to be hurt (In the metaphorical sense) and maybe I have to learn
things the hard way all the time... but at some point it sucks to be
constantly laughed and kicked in the face. I guess I should develop a thicker
skin to stand these episodes of my life better. Or maybe I should just become
totally bitter and stop trusting anyone... sigh but its not gonna happen that
way so I will just be the one I am and hopefully learn something at one point.

In Kuopio. Succesfully survived my first drunkenness on this trip and still
suffering from the aftereffects. As usually trips away from home hold many
things that make me ponder and thing, so has this trip. I still don't get why
I'm happy when away from home but depressed when there, maybe I should move.
Will met the designer team of our area later tonight and it will hopefully
help us to clear up some things for the area. Hehe I should ask whether batmud
pays for my trip here if I use it for mud related things :P. Proudly recharged
my prepaid mobile phone card Nopsa from Radiolinja. So I will have to visit
Finland for at least so long till my remaining 40 Euros of talking time are
used. Feel like I could best move into a mökki just to think about things and
hopefully one day to finally understand what makes a life happy and what sad.

Ok kids, today I am gonna talk about people and PEOPLE. And about other prople
who fall for those PEOPLE. I just don't get why our world allows those who are
the biggest assholes to get on and on and on with their tour. Is it really
true that the descent people in this world can't get on with their lifes or be
successful cause those who open up their mouths the widest are the most liked
etc etc. Maybe I'm the only one who is able to see through some PEOPLE's masks
but that seems so unlikely to me. On days like these I am doubting the sanity
of mankind over and over again. Does a woman really not need more than tits
and the will to fuck to get men drooling for her? Maybe I'm getting jealous at
these PEOPLE who can do whatever they want simply by getting everyone hopping
around for them. In the cause of my life I guess I lost a couple of 'friends'
to those PEOPLE who dazzle everyone into not seeing who they actually are. I
guess these 'friends' are not real friends but still it hurts to see someone
one likes, respects and thinks of as a friend falling to PEOPLE. Maybe the
only thing to do is to wait and hope that someday the dazzling effect of
PEOPLE fades away and some of those who fell under their spell finally are
able to open their eyes again.  Hm great now I end pondering whether I'm not a
PEOPLE as well and only jealous that others dazzle brighter. Or maybe I just
care too much and should just finally get my own life in order.. it's just
hard though... after all I have this bad tendency to be kicked into the face
by real life, taking me out of my Peter Pan like happy happy joy joy fantasy
world. It's a very, very Mad World! To those actual people who are left
reading my ramblings: Our area is currently undergoing approval and I have
high hopes it will be ready to rumble soonish. Less than a week to go to
Finland ... I started packing today and will continue doing so within the next
days. Early shift block is starting tomorrow and I will have a Trainee with me
for at least 3 days... it's Ok though I'm not in t he best social mood... but
maybe it will keep my minds of pondering and on work. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Nightshift... I love nightshift. Gives me time to think... not that I don't
already think more than enough.  Another day in my life which I spent with
trying to do something productive. Somehow itall boils down to the decision to
become a  grown up... I guess I should simply define myself as an adult and
wheeee suddenly I'm one... But then again what happened to my ideals of being
a modern Peter Pan.. the boy who never grows up, living at the second star to
the right? Just one wonderful thought is enough and I can fly.  Humhumhum.
Some things have happened again today, ending in me questioning the human race
again. How can it be that we are all a bunch of liars and egoistic animals
when it comes to ourselves and relationships. Basically everyone on this
planet just craves to have someone in ones bed to cuddle and just to have  the
wonderful feeling that one is not alone... but why is it so difficult.. it's
not like in the books.. boy meets girl, they fall in love, some obstacles, 
they marry, have kids and live happy ever after... It's tears, arguments,
accusations and a lot of evil thoughts, lies and and and. Strange that it
always  looks so nice in the movies... after all they are done by humans.. but
I guess it once again shows that mankind always craves for what it usually
does not  have. Blah my english is getting so damned rusty... but then again
its in the middle of the night so I DO have an excuse for it. Sometimes there
are moments in my life when I feel like saying HEY now I'll be an adult, now
I'll grow up... but then something happens or I just can't make it and I just
revert to a drooling child who wants to curl in bed, preferrably with his
teddybear. Friend of mine now decided he will become a Buddhist.. he started
reading books about how to find ones inner self and stuff like that... I just
so didn't care.. guess it shows I'm not ready for my inner self yet... maybe
better though. ... might be scary like hell what i might see :P . Still
looking forward to my Kuopio trip which now is less than one week away. I plan
to have the time of my life again... though being the person I am I can't help
but to ponder what will happen after I'm back.. which trip I'll be looking
forward to then, which illusion I'll run after then. Blah I'm in bad mood...
Got quite disappointed from someone I like very much today and am pondering
whether its worth being sad  or whether I should just move on with my life,
define what happened as experience and just go on... which I prolly will but I
am just so terribly nostalgic sometimes and seem to have real problems just to
go on with my life without looking back and living in the past. It's important
to learn from the past but it seems not healthy to actually live in it. I'm
living a great life.. I got money, friends, I am travelling all the time, am a
creator in a wonderful game called batmud... and still I'm not happy everso
often. Main decision to make sooner or later is to find out whether I will
stop studying and start working full time or whether I will finish my studies,
earn my degree, be called M.A. and THEN be a nice society robot and work full
time. I guess my journeys are just a tad bit more important to me at the
moment. Of course there also still is the thought of going to finland one day
for some time. I just fell in love with the finnish people though there surely
are countries with nicer weather situations it's such a shame that I nowadays
have more finnish friends than german ones. I'm n ot even sure if I did
something wrong or something right to come to that situation...

Best RL friend today cancelled our plans of moving together.. so I am in heavy
Krapula and in depression again. I guess I have this idealized idea about
friendship or maybe just never found a real friend. Whatever. Played the happy
happy joy joy kid and nephew today, and participated in happy happy joy joy
easter coffee drinking and cake eating. My mother actually really hid some
chocolate eggs for me around the apartment which was kinda sweet. Rest of day
I spent in bed mudding or chatting... now this telephone call from my friend.
Blah. Wish I could say more but shrug. Easter passed and neither am I feeling
spiritually enlightened nor physically relaxed.. and I DID have 3 days off
work now. Late shift tomorrow and then 2 night shifts... as if it would matter
somehow or to someone.

I hate growing up. Each time something halfway important is happening I feel
something in me becoming more mature and I know it is a one way road. That's
what they call childlike innocence I guess and i feel more and more losing it.
Blah why do I always get so emotional these days.. especially late at night..
I really should see to it that i get stuff to do in rl .. but then again rl is
exactly what is troubling me that much. Maybe one reason why I felt so at ease
in Tokio.. so many people somehow makes a single being feel small and
unimportant.

Aaaaaaaaaand another day where reality threatens to drown me again. Didn't go
to mass for the second time in decades though it'S good friday.. sometimes I
miss that feeling of guilt they manage to convey to their sheep. Even the
advertising on TV is pissing me off... My life pisses me off and my situation
pisses me off. So what is the solution? Get drunk.. but not on good friday so
no alcohol for me.... finally tried tog et going and see some friends in the
evening but no one had time or answered my enquiries.So how great is that, I'm
sitting at home, listening to my mother curse at her PC with the implicit plea
for me to go and help her but i just can't find the energy. Been working on a
T-Shirt design with some Donnie Darko stuff on it.. hehe I guess Im a bit
fanatic with that. Finished coding my last subarea for votk hip hip hooray.
What a pathetic life. I will be happy happy joy joy when Im in Finland and
back in the same old shit when back home.. it's a neverending viscious circle
or so it seems. I prolly should be happy that code for votk is over and
whatever but blah Ill stop now, crave for mifnight and then get drunk.

One of these days when reality strikes as real as it is.. I mean why can't we
live in a somewhat nicer universe where people actually use the thing between
their ears to think about life and their fellow beings on the planet instead
of spending time fighting. It prolly indeed is the animal in us but it sucks.
Fuck.. never ever have I felt so far away from mud than today. Some things
happened, enochian got removed and I have had some fights, one ending in me
being ignored which made me very sad and angry cause I think evading a
conflict can't be the real way for grown ups. Shrug But then again I was
rather agitated myself so who knows what it was good for. Maybe should take a
mud break, maybe I should start again with having a real life, maybe I should
move to Nepal and become a monk and maybe I should cut my toe nails again..
fucking decisions. What IS a normal life? the often cited fucking happy robot?
nah that can't be - at least not for me. If not being a robot means doubting
my sanity till the end of my life then be it so. Big nice, very nice, very
very nice talk with Starshine at the end of my day so at least senseless
fights DO have a good effect on on or the other thing. Realizing how sucky my
written english is becomming.. even stopped reading my old blogs... maybe
because they started to become even weirder than I can stand. Ok stopping that
now for today and crawling into bed, mourning about humankind

emote ticks 1797 Sp [Now 1797 Sps] Still listening to Mad World whenever I
can. Day started with a very nice Email I recieved from Malcom... kinda
cheered me up and made me smile. A very good friend of mine told me yesterday
when looking at the pics of me in japan that he is amazed that I look so
relaxed on those pics and he seldomly would see me this happy and relaxed
here... it's funny or prolly just underlining what I always say, namely that
travelling is my fleeing from reality here into another reality full of what
if's.  Maybe still under the influence of the Donnie Darko movie --- otherwise
I wouldn'T know why all these surrealistic thoughts are jumping through my
head. Work was very quiet today so it gave me mucho possibilities to think and
ponder about whatever. Read the Blog of Thematrix and once again found that he
prolly is just wearing a very very fat mask in Batmud... like so many others.
Also read Malicat's latest ramblings about sex and love and I tend to
contradict and hope that Malicat might once find someone showing her the
opposite of what she wrote. Buuuut who am i to judge. Just realized that the
fucking hair i have had on my shoulder is growing back.. maybe shaving it
wasn't such a good idea... hm ok so much about major turn off's. Still
questioning reality... How could it would be if everybody could construct his
or her own little reality.. indeed we are doing this already to a certain
extend since everybody sees the world through his own body intern filters but
blah. I think loneliness is the worst factor in a persons life and the fact
that in the end everyone is alone when he or she dies is not very cheering up
as well. Which makes it even worse that humankind is spending an awful amount
of life pondering about what to do and how to think and how to become a happy
robot of society. And once human finally gets what he she it wants... he
thinks of something new to crave for... maybe this is the downfall of human
society or maybe the energy that drives us all to exist and maybe I should
stop doing philosophical excursions in  my blog, before some calls the guys
with a nise lil white jacket for me. I guess i just am afraid to spent too
much time of my life with finding my way through it that I miss all of it in
the end. Maybe thats also why I hate sleep. We only have not even a hundred
years on earth.. why waste 8h every day with sleep then.  Ok back to the usual
mud blog shit U want to hear.... Continued working on the area, added one mob
or tried to... seems as if Dino has some speciality in his virtual outerworld
driver that made it impossible for me to add the mob.. well at least it'S
coded and now just happily awaits to be released into the big mud world. The
area is currently undergoing review and beta tests and should be kicked into
game very soon. Anything else? Yes.. I'd like to continue rambling about
future after all... Made the mistake to look into my highschool yearbook and
ended up looking some of these names from back then up in google... fuck one
even is a damned Doctor.. blah. But then again .. I am more or less happy
(HAHAHA), I have a job and I can travel.... I am healthy (besides a beer tummy
and a fucking Depression) and I got friends.... I will rock.. again it'S like
standing in front of a thin ice wall.. U can glimpse through it but it hasn't
fully melted yet.. and u try to melt it but U freeze so that u have to take
breaks sometimes. Maybe one day I'll find the person to help me melt my wall.
And now to sleep :). Any comments on my blogs are welcome so that I know U
still read em and don't think me totally crazy yet.. but don't make the
mistake to call me normal... I once said that's the biggest offence someone
could do to me.

Still in a bit puzzled state... after I discovered the song Mad World in the
cover version of Gary Jules for me, I went and bought the DVD of Donnie Darko
where the song first appeared in. Had to think of Shadizar when I saw the
movie and later found out that he loves the movie, just like I do. Maybe I
should have gone for the special edition of it with some nice extras .. but
then again I got the normal version for 7,50 Euros and the special one was
around 20 Euros. The movie is great, though rather depressive.. just like me.
Some questions coming up in the movie reflect parts of the way I think... Well
I like it.. watch it if U wanna. It's a good one. My 2 free days are already
over and work is calling yet again tomorrow... this time I'm in a late shift
block which means that I'll at least get more than enough sleep hopefully.
Still or again sad that I have friends around the world... I could use one of
my many finnish or american friends right now next to me since I'm feeling
rather lonely again... I guess it also comes with the job.. I'm surrounded by
thousands of people every day at the airport and yet I feel lonely in midst of
them. Looking forward to my Kuopio visit and yet I already ponder what will
happen when that visit is over as well and I am back here ... I prolly should
stop thinking .. guess I need somekind of switch for my head. The way I am is
the way i am and if i would be different, then I wouldn't be me in the end but
nevertheless sometimes i wish I could be just a tad bit different. Not that i
want to be a happy little robot of society but shrug... I'm blahing again....
Still wondering why I'm writing this blog any longer anyway...  "All around me
are familiar faces Worn out places, worn out faces Bright and early for their
daily races Going nowhere, going nowhere" (Mad World)

Humpf. Work got me back and I successfully finished my 4th early shift in a
row. Slightly melancholic atm. Just heard that my friends planned THE party
event of the year on a day when I have to work, snapped at 2 of my mud friends
within the last couple of days and heard that my former Padawan Beliar has
stopped mudding. Just generally having a slightly agressive basic feeling and
am not sure at all where that is from. Just a bit puzzled at myself I guess.
Partly got the discussions in mud back in line at least. Next vacation will be
Kuopio at the 21st of April and as usually I'm already looking forward to it
like hell... though it seems kinda pathetic that my lifes only highlights are
the trips abroad. Was kinda shocked when I heard about the fact that the USA
expanded their fingerprint & photo taking to germany and other countries...
looks like no campcon for me this year either then...  Would be invited to a
party tonight but am rather tired from those 4 early shifts and there mostly
are co workers of me at the party.. and I don't need them in my spare time as
well. Sigh should move to Finland? But it's just a dream or a little game I
play in my mind.

Back in germany... flight back home was even longer than the flight there...
something I didn't consider since I usually fly my long range flights to the
USA and there it's exactly the other way around. Flew with JAL Japan airlines
and though they have little screens in every seat and I could watch 4 movies
or so, the seats seem to be made for midget japanese and not for 2m
Germans.... well i survived and I'm back home that's all that matters. Got
some complaints and problems reaching em again since I'm here but thats what
maybe makes the difference between vacation and reality. Visit to the East was
great nevertheless... Japan or at least Tokio is one of the cleanest cities I
have visited so far and the people are very interesting. My hosting family was
one of the greatest I have ever met and everyone in it, including Jessica the
Persian Cat are just cool. Even my postcards arrived here almost in time and
only one day later than I did... So, nothing to complain. Heard that I will
have to train a new co worker next month and am feeling a bit honored that
they chose me for it. Got one day more off before I work again now and the jet
lag this way seems not to be as bad as the other way around. Basically I'm not
feeling jet lagged at all. Will start coding again in a few days as well so
that the area can get online soonish.

1 week in Japan over and hopefully going home tomorrow. Since my own airlines
flights are a bit full Ill try the service of JAL Japan airlines. This has
been one of the coolest trips during the last 1 year and surely a highlight in
my life. Having spent a week with a finnish family shows me once again, that
finns are so great people .. maybe Im biased but still... if one makes a
finnish friend its a friend for life. CU tomorrow back in Germany.**

Joooooh, flying to Japan tomorrow after all.... One of my visits on a very
short  notice. Can't help feeling nervous like hell. Many factors that make
the visit rather adventurous and I usually despise situations i can't
control... whatever.. Japan sounds like a kick ass plan and I'd be totally
stupid if i wouldn't go. looking forward to meet Mizo again and prolly will
end up boozing with Pahvi as well who just launched a phone he was working on.
Worked to day and though I originally planned not to sleep tonight, I will
prolly curl up in my cuddly bed sooner or later, well knowing that it will be
the sleeping bag for me the next week after an 11h flight tomorrow. Hope i'll
survive this jet lag and in case I won't I love You all ,).

Grrr Why do I get my spirits up all the time only to be slapped in the face by
life itself again. Maybe thats what being an adult means, but it surely isn't
my goal for life. It just So isn't. Though only a very small thing, my
vacation plans for next week are once again ruined... within 3 days all my
plans I developed are gone .. I got my hopes up up up again higher and higher
only to fall deep deeper and deeper. So no USA and no Finland the way it looks
like at the moment. Feeling empty and quite sure that it is a sign of my ever
ongoing sopa opera life. I dunno why I even make plans if they are bound to
fail anyway. I'm just so feeling empty and already curse myself to post this
shit on the net... It just is so fucking unfair that whenever I finally think
I got my moods up again something happens to kick me into the face and make me
fall even deeper. Maybe i'll delete this entry again later, maybe Ill add even
more shitty stuff... It's a sad fact that I will feel even more down in a few
hours cause now it is decided that I will drink till I drop tonight. I don't
get laid, my friends are all in finland and even when I wanna see them I fail
cause I don't have a place there and even if I see them I am the eternal
visitor and not the real guy. Maybe I never felt so empty in my head
before.... good thing is that Im not sad but just empty and again I am bathing
in my pain :P . Instead of getting my ass up and do something I am whining
whining whining and more whining how sucky my life is and hoping for someone
to pity me. I just somehow seem to lose my goal in situations like this. 

Ok---alarm---this will be terribly moody :) One of the better moments of my
life. Again been pondering a lot...found out that I should be happy I am here,
happy I'm able to type, happy I'm alife and happy I have people like some of
you guys who are just reading this and maybe call urself my friends who care
about me. Muah this truly sounds like a bad soap opera... But everything in
our lifes is about people and if I should manage to leave an impession in
someones life as well then what else can a man wish for. Hehehe I should mark
that entry red and read it whenever Im down again. Just so stupid I don't see
these good days when I'm feeling so bad again. Finished watching Emergency
room season 1. Now I'm full of energy but nevertheless should try to hit the
hay, taking into account that it is 3.30 am again. Maybe I won't have
nightmares but pleasant dreams instead now. 

Ok, thanks to Juo who -once again- kicked me into writing another blog. Now
let's see what has been going on in my life or the life of Femko the lil
Hobbit coder. Coded a few rooms for votk . Still thinking it will be a cool
area but then again I'm of course biased, since I'm part of the area. Had a
rather shitty day yesterday and ended boozing alone in front of my PC once
again... Well made up for that when I went shopping today. Bought The Matrix
DVD and A Chorus Line on DVD, both for 5 Euros. Also got me my nice Beastman
The Masters of the Universe action figure for 10 Euros and some really nifty
glasses for 1,50 a piece. I really start to miss finland... but then again I
also see, that it always just is fleeing from my rl. I thought about renting a
mökki for some weeks just to live there as eremite and ponder over my life.. I
know it's not gonna happen, but surely the idea sounds ever so tempting.
Really hoping that the day draws nearer when I can get my ass into gear and
start living in rl again as well.. so far it's more like existing only :P.
Almost finished Emergency Room's first season.. only 2 episodes and some
specials left to watch. Will got for a walk or a beer or a coffee or whatever
with my best friend later on tonight. Getting more and more ideas for areas
atm.. my list is getting fuller and fuller... well I know prolly 99% of my
ideas are crap but that 1% could develop into a nice area. Couldn't even shout
a happy birthday for Valkrist yesterday... I need more wizard levels. Sigh my
fingers are looking like hell again.. I'm not chewing fingernails but the
cuticle whenever I am stressed... atm they are kinda rough and almost
bleeding... damned stress. Whatever... will get better... has to... In
addition to that I got a big bruise on my right shin. I bumped into my own
electro car in the airport.

Maybe watching all these episodes of Emergency Room id not such a good idea
after all... am feeling awfully depressed from all this sickness and dying
talk. Maybe it's also because I did not get mucho sleep last night and somehow
didn't go for a nap during the day. Early shifts suck ass but it leaves me
more time of the day than a late shift would.... well one more early shift and
then a block of some free days. Work was rather soft today, just withdraw 
into a side room, listened to music with my MP3 player and read a bit. Had
some very clear moments the last days in which I found out about life,
universe, my role in it etc. etc. next step should be to assess these
conclusions and take measures I guess. Had some really good talks with
Usvasumutin .. the man with the name no one who is not a finn can
pronounce.... was really cool :). Today my clear moments however seem to be
gone again... feeling just BLAH. Not even coding worked .. did one little
special I wanted to implement but it didn't work.

Ok, thanks of the day go to Smoking, who kicked my ass to write another Blog.
So here we go. Have been really busy working the last couple of days, even
took an extra shift and got another one off that way in the time frame I'm
planning to go to the states. unfortunately most flights look quite full so
far... but that usually changes from day to day, so I will see.. has happened
befopre that I made plans which changed, wioll happen again, so better not bet
on it. Was a rather great day however yesterday, I ended up having one of
these clear moments.... U know when suddenly for the blink of an eye u think U
can see through everything, ur life seems so clear and u maybe maybe maybe
even see a goal in ur life... as I said it only is for the blink of an eye but
it's a fucking good feeling. Enjoyed talking to one of my better friends. He
is working in the same department I am and unfortunately we see each other not
often enough to have a good talk.... but now we had 2 shifts together and it
really was cool to chat again. Got up early early (at 10.30 AM) to go and see
a tax counselor or whatever it's called in english.. basically the guy who
does all ur tax stuff and get's some money out of it. Had to do my taxes for
2002 and 2003 so I was more than overdue... Hope to get some money back from
my beloved state buuuut we will see. Hmm what ekse is new... surely looks as
if the U.S.A. might get a democrat as new president which at least sounds like
good news for the world but.... to translate a german proverb: Don't praise
the day before it is evening. Well am still enjopying my Emergency Room
DVD's.. was a good decision to buy the first season on DVD.. I really LOVE the
show. I even took care of one actor at the airport once. Goran Visnjic.. he
plays Dr. Kovac. Well another day today... one day off then 2 early shifts but
then at least almost another week off... damned I'm a lucky guy. :)

Sigh just re-read my first few sentences and found a couple of mistakes .. I
Am tired..

After multiple questions to write more (ok it was only You Juo). Im writing..
it's a bit difficult I used to write a lot about what I have been doing in mud
during the day... and nowadays that's no longer allowed, cause You evil
mortals could sneak and read the ramblings of a mab man like me and find out
about all my conning plans. Am feeling totally zombie like. Had early early
early shift and only had 3 h sleep before that. I then slept abnother 4 h or
so. Had some fecking nightmares ... I was in the uniform department of my
airline (where I really have been today) and some evil doer came in and
started a massacre.... I wasn't hit by a bullet, but covered myself with the
corpse of someone who was shot there.. all in all a rather displeasing dream.
Rather disapointed by a friend in mud. Since I know myself, I also know that
my anger will subside... Trying to analyse why I am so pissed at him. Shrug.
Elsewise life is shitty like always. I really like creating. It's a bit like
putting my imagination into a form. Coding gets better and better though my
skills still are not sufficent for all the things I want to do. RL still is
static. Somehow sad that there is no realmovement in my life... or is there
and I just don't see the positive elements? Sometimes I feel like fleeing and
funny thing is I don't know from what or where to. I'm just a worrying dog
sometimes. Love life is still zero, nada, non existent. I would have a
possible thing coming up... but it would be a long distance partnership and I
am not sure whether that really does make any sense. pondering pondering. And
why the hell do i write this anyway... not that I am an exhibitionist or
something.. but maybe I should keep my rl a bit more out of here.. after all I
don't want my fluffy friends to think I am even more of a weirdo than they
already do. Tomorrow another early early early shift... sigh. And a tight fit
in the week when I thought about flying to the states... flights are full as
well... maybe i should just crawl back into my bed. BLAH!

Ok.. it is official.. the german race is doomed... I was at a traditional
german carnival festival today..... Imagine the worst and add something .. and
u are still not even NEAR to what I saw. Old men, wearing funny hats, an
oooold tie and putting on a colored T-shirt bragging about their great
costume. Totally drunken idiots carried away by the paramedics... Whatever..
it was not my cup of tea. Maybe I am too od nowadays.. sigh. As a friend
pointed out.. when I started playing shadowrun our characters all were about
19... and 27 was very old for a runner.. great nowadays _I_ am 27... Still
pretty happy about my wizzing career. My second sub area is ready, now adding
mobs and doing some shit for a perhaps quest. Already have a list for 3 other
areas in my mind... one I will surely make and have great ideas for it.
Buuuuut first we have to get this project to work... I have high hopes it
won't be too far away. Still So happy I got my Evil-Lyn Master of the Universe
action figure. This is like THE coolest action figure I ever saw! Talked to
Mizo today who still is in Japan. He met Pahvi.. this is so cool: Here i am in
germany, here from Gore that Pahvi is in japan, tell it Mizo who also is in
Japan and tell Pahvi about Mizo and they meet in rl. Can'z wait to fly there,
hopefully in april. Coding Monsters actually is way more fun than coding rooms
somehow. I usually think of a rl person I know which helps me to make my mob
more vivid. 

Soooo New day, same shit? Well i got some more rooms done and already have the
idea for my first own area once we get this communal project done. Though I
still am positive that our big project might become a very popular area, but
then again I am biased. Shay rebirthed and I will have to memorize yet another
name.. oh well. Diversity is the spice of life as I like to say. Damned I'm
getting philosophical. Been seeing my best friend yesterday and some other
friends today in rl.. it IS time that I start living my rl as well again.
There have been nights where I even started to DREAM in code. ARGH. Have been
having really strong headaches the last 2 days. Ended up taking heavy pills
and magnesium... helped in the end or maybe it was the coffee. Watched
Hollywood Cops on DVD with my friends... they thought it to be an exceptional
good movie... I nearly fell asleep. Still waiting for my Evil-lyn action
figure... if it doesn't get here by tomorrow I might start to worry. Looks as
if I won'T be in Finland for a longer time. If my plans go well, I will be in
the USA in march and in Tokio in april... Mizo is there atm and it would so
rock to visit him there.

03:36]:Thematrix [bat]: femko is a wizar?D1

[03:36]:Thematrix [bat]: oamggm

[03:36]:{bat}: Grimpold nods twice rapidly in agreement to Thematrix.

[03:36]:Thematrix [bat]: It cannot be!

[03:36]:Femko <bat>: welcome in the year 2004 tm :)

[03:36]:Thematrix [bat]: Noooo

[03:38]:Femko <bat>: damned I ruined tms day that actually made mine ,)

Working hightime on my new tower. Day today was sucky like hell. I won't go
into detail but it just was.

Humhumhum. Somehow coding takes up more and more time. i finished my very
first little 20 room subarea and am rather proud of it. It's rather decent
imho. Work was ok though my rl still is rotten. Well Im a no life mudder after
all. Have been having nightmares the last 4 nights or so.. really sucks.
Started another subarea today after my own ideas. might evolve into a quest.
Whatever. Since I prolly won't fly to finland  it looks as if I will have a
week of beginning in 2 days so that should give me some time to do decent work
on that project. Found out that my university will introduce shitty high fees
for long time students beginning with the upcomming winter semester... well
fellow addicts, guess who has been studying for too long.... Bomfunk rebirthed
and is Mystic now.. why would anyone change ones name? Whatever.

One more of these days where I feel as if I have more fingers on my hands than
friends. Sucky, since I know it is wrong. Oh well.. just in one of my great
moods again.. Can only hope it will get better. Called in sick at work today.
A chair I sat on at work broke yesterday and the back of the chair snapped
into my spine. My boss saw it, sent me to the airport clinic and then home
sick. This morning my back hurt like hell, so I called and told em I wouldn't
come. Spent the day in bed with a hot water bottle and hope I will be able to
work tomorrow again. Used the chance and finished my first sub area. Might add
some more mobs but more or less it is finished. Will have to see what to do
next. Feeling indiscribably lonely again. seems to be my fate I guess. Have to
realize my blogs get shorter and shorter nowadays. Dunno why that is. maybe my
life is just even more boring than usually. I wanted to go on one of my
journeys again in a few weeks but so far I don't know where. So I prolly will
stay home. Shrug. Should have gone to the states or something but my friends
there are busy as well or working.

Another of those days when I feel hit in the face by those I used to call my
friends or still do. Maybe I'm overreacting again. I prolly shouldn't feel so
unloved but somehow it always boils down to it. Planned my 11th Finland trip
for in a week but atm it looks as if it won't happen. Most of my friends are
busy and it seems I am the onely one without a life. Might have wanted to go
to the Netherlands instead but that too seems unlikely at the moment. USA?
Well my friends there are working as well so I would be hanging around alone
there... blah. Wizzing is nice. i slowly get the hang of coding. Dino is a
great but strict teacher. Arghj BKLAH feeling as if words can't express what I
feel again.

You tell Murdoch 'Im a wizziiiiiiie'

Murdoch tells you 'thats what you think.. >=)'

Murdoch tells you 'holly cow. wtf. u r..'

Well wow... my last words as mortal were: I love u all. ... giggle. What a
development for a strange german with no life.. now Im a wizzie.. I remember
seeing some wizards for the first time at Kuopiocon.. damned I was frightened
what they would do to me... lol. I would have never imagined to immoprt 1
month ago .. and now here I am .. Still pretty perplex about everything.. It
is a bit like being spilled out if the Matrix at first... one lands in a
strange new land.. I actually was almost as frightened and insecure as when I
got laid for the first time..... By now I learned how to log back into the
Matrix and am currently walking through the white hallways of the Matrix...
Thats how I would describe all of what has happened today... Ended shouting at
everyone who dared to disturb me. Still think I have LOADS to learn but it is
so nice to be welcomed nicely. Actually saw the rooms I wrote some months ago
for the first time.. was a bit like when I first was on stage in rl and we
finished a play...  very good feeling. Actually almost too nervous to sleep
now... but I should relax a bit now.

Ok historic day... I reinced... SIGH Im a nice lil fluffy hobbit now.. I
wanted to sell my tps and since they were in my boon and no one could really
tell me how to retransfer them into tps I reinced gnnnn. Ooooh well. I got
news that my immort is all ready to go and it will take place tomorrow. I
started selling my eq and bought the first steps to an ss... hope I'll get
enough money for it till tomorrow though. Originally wanted to call it German+
but then again i wouldnt only invite germans into it so it is called Weirdos
now :). I'm a weirdo.. I surelky am.. sigh it felt hmm strange to sell my tps
and stuff like a hmmm new beginning.... I'm eager now to immort.. let's see
whether I will be able to sleep at all. Already have cool ideas for areas.

So here I am, listening to the ramblings of my fellow mudders who watch super
bowl.... just for ur information dear and esteemed reader.. I don't give a
damn about sports... especially not american ones. Oh well..... got one of
these feared cleaning up attacks and finally got my desk a bit organized and
my room less dusty. What else is there to say, I am still a mortal though a
level 71 mortal now that I made another level. Cursed more than a bit when I
actually LOST stats when i made that level.. lost 3 int and 3 wis and it
turned out that someone tuned elves at one point.. great thing... couldn't
find that information in any news or inform... but since it happened I guess
it is true. Still hoping to be immortal soonish so that I can create cool
areas and riddles for mortals instead of cursing about mortal life all the
time. I guess I'm really more of a gm personality than a player. well we will
see. Still more than happy about my monitor this 19" tft screen just soo
rocks. Sigh I will never understand how anyone can be so fascinated about
sports.. but everyone its own... Missing Finland, the nice 2.80 Euro Pizza in
Sellma in Oulu (ok sorry if i wrote it the wrong way) and the french fries
with home made garlic sauce at Wingers... dammit I'm in the wrong country.
Actually committed a sacrileg when I changed my plan. I now have the well
known Monty Python Song Finland in my Plan. I now have the perfect mudding
central here.... A Finland flag right in front of me, TV running on my monitor
through my TV Card. Still pondering whether my friends here suck or whether it
just is my attitude towards em.... this sleigh ride thingie last night really
was sooooooo stupid... Actually even found out that I not only broke my mobile
and ripped my pants but also got a hole in my jacket. BLAH. Still already
developing areas in my head... :P

Slept long and happily the sleep of the one year older. :) Woke up when
friends called to tell me that we plan our annual sleigh ride in the evening.
But first I had a company party... Mental note: Never open a new table when ur
bosses are not yet at the party... I ended sitting on a table with 3 of my
bosses... SIGH. Well i left early, raced home, changed into warm clothes and
off we went for a sleigh ride... but the sledge I used froma friend tore 2
holes in my ski pants and the attempt to rise the sleigh on my tummy ended in
a broken mobile display.. guess I should have stayed at the company party
after all. Am still mortal. Some talking with Zin in the evening.. praised be
the dasy when we agree on the usage of snooping :P.

Long time, no blog. ended again with some bad discussions with my general
which sucked cause I hate to fight with my friends but I guess sometimes it is
neccessary. The fight finally lead into my decision to apply for immorting.
The new wizard system allows me with no existent coding skills to use my
imagination and become a wiz as well since i really like writing rooms and
areas. Dino agreed to sponsor me and now I am waiting for immort. Life has
been going well ... I guess. taking into consideration that I just survived my
27th Bday.. fuck I'm old.. but who knows what life will hold for me.

You create a new body for Kyo. The corpse starts to move. You succeed. exp:
+241862

I think thats a new record .... still working on a few levels but now I have
800k chunks which is an assfull especially since Im so extra careful  whenever
I have mucho exp on. Well maybe tomorrow will bring me the rest 200k I need
for the chunk.. or maybe I get another quality customer like kyo. Had some
very good talks with usvasumutin .. let's see when I will end in Kuopio at his
place :P. Sigh my sleeping rhythm is fucked up again and I will have to wake
up at 4.30 am on monday. But who thinks of tomorrow anyway. Kotivalo suicided
last night and even got instant suicide so now I am GM of Himatuikku+ ...
actually quite an accomplishment.. i don't get membership in Turha+ because I
am not finnish and now i am GM of Himatuikku+ though I dont even know what it
really means. Oh well.. I AM a pseudo finn. :) Ended up in an irish pub with
some friends last night... hey I wasn't even shocked to see the prices there
(4.30 Euro for a pint) .. they were very finnish..... Its so weird, I really
should consider moving to finland or something.... I am mainly here nowadays
to get money for my next trip... BLAH

The title for my official hero of the day is shared by Pertulio and Beliar
today. Pertulio actually made me a new level in which I got the lost stats
back I lost from Zock's ress some week ago or so (3 wis). Pertulio explored
like hell with me so that I had some nice summary:   Time: 4 hours 51 minutes
14 seconds Experience gained: 1083409 Experience lost: 0 Experience spent:
1031330 Gold difference: +38250.00 New areas explored: 261

Beliar my longest and one of the earliest apprentices I had graduated today
from Tarmalen and it felt a bit hmmm sad to lket him go.. lol yes call me
sentimental but I grew very attached to my lil padawan and now he is a full
grown Tarmalen. Oh my... always hard to let kids go away.  I spent the last
night in a hotel near the airport. right after my 8h shift yesterday evening a
14 year old boy who travelled alone missed his connecting flight so that I had
to go to the hotel with him as guardian and representative of my airline. Well
I wrote a letter, read a lot and watched some tv instead of sleeping. I so
looked forward to the big breakfast but then it turned out that it is
unavailable before 6 am and he had to be back at the airport at 6. Well I then
finally went to my car after like 18h work only to find my car totally
frozen... after almost breaking the doors, I could at least get em open and
started getting the fecking ice of my car... whatever. Slept at home till
afternoon and ended up in Mc Donalds in the evening with a friend. Had 2 ice
creams there cause they had a pay one get one free offer for that... dammit I
never will eat that ice cream again ,). Found a little bottle of blue food
coloring at home and put some in the ice cream.... sure gave it a nice color..
shortly thought about complaining about the color at the Mc Donalds
Supervisor. (Giggle they prolly would have shut the machine down cause they
might have feared mould in it or something). So now I finally left my beloved
lvl 69 and am lvl 70.. druids still seem to suck though. Still pondering
whether I should immort or apply to immort that is.

Aaaaaand nearing my Bday more and more.. sigh 27 soon.. oh my...  Worked
today, endured customers and ended up in mud as usually in the evening. Had
some more or less serious discussions with my fellow Kamikazes last night and
it yet remains to be seen what the outcome will be. Just back from Finland I
exerience the old problems... I want to be baaaaaaaack. Besides that I am
pondering whether it would be a wise decision to apply for immorting. Some
friends tell me that I do have a writing talent and the fact that I am a GM
for RPG's for over 10 years ... oh well. Yet remains to be seen I guess. Can't
deny, however, that the thought DOES sound tempting. I am mainly idle nowadays
and chatting. Coding would give me a nice thing to do in the time between some
good talks. Grizzt got my pics of Kotka Con online and I have to admit that it
surely was a great con. (besides the fact that i was drunk like hell) But I
really enjoyed myself, maybe more than at Kuopio back then when I was playing
babysitter.

Thanks to Macala for the quote of the day: "I read Your Blogs. You seem to be
an intelligent, decent person. So I keep asking myself... why do You come to
Finland" Well Femko is back... after aprox. 9 days or so in Finland I'm back
home. Trip was very evenful again. I ended up sleeping at a few places I
didn't plan to and had some discussions that I really didn't plan but hope I
will get things OK again.. I really hope so. Had really nice Saunas almost
every evening and am already missing em... Once I am rich I will buy a house
with a Sauna and a meditation room. :). Got invitation to sivari+.. finally a
ss I especially like due to the thought behind it. (Though poor Femko will
prolly burn his hands with the burning devilstick ,) ). Flight back home was
nice, though I again miss all my finns. Dammit I AM born in  the wrong
country.

Aaaaaaaaaaand another few interesting days in the story of My Life and Me.
Flew to Finland,  ended in Mizo's place instead of Kotivalo's for the first
night. Then moved on to Kotka in a car full of fluffy people like Mizo,
Kotivalo, Dagel, Malar and me. Was so absofuckingly drunk at Kotkacon and
passed out at Grizzt's place. Still have Krapula though it has been 2 days
now. (Krapula=Hangover). Flew to Jyväskylä in the evening and am now enjoying 
Alder's hospitality... damned the world gets so small because of mud. Kotkacon
actually was really cool and I guess I enjoyed myself more than at Kuopiocon
somehow. Will see how the week continues... 

Yawn.. tired... 5 days of airport in a row.. what a start into the new year.
Late shift yesterday was boring like hell.. though today we worked like hell.
Tomorrow Finland preparation day and finally flying on friday. So this time I
won't be a smuggler for the first time since laws changed and now I can bring
as much hard booze as I like for my own usage... very nice. Looking forward to
meet Kotivalo, Grizzt and Alder again. Might be a cool vacation.. we will see.
Still not much more to tell.. Life consisted of waking up, working, eating and
going to bed.. WOW if that's what rl is about I better never finish my
studies.

Work has me back... I feel like living at the airport... and I only had 3
days...2 still to come but at least this time they are late shifts. Well
flying to Helsinki at Thursday or Friday. ATM Friday looks more likely than
Thursday. Also found nice and fluffy Mizo to drive Kotivalo and me to Kotka
Con at Saturday. Will be in Helsinki till Sunday prolly and then continuing to
Jyväskylä. Still not much to say... life is consisting of sleep and work atm.
Will have to see that I get all my shopping done for my trip.. well if I fly
on Friday it shouldn't be a problem. Sigh I could go and have a shave again...
I'm just too lazy for stuff .. and shaving sucks. Oh well. So far no passenger
complained about my Viking-Beard. Anyway looking SO forward to many sauna
sessions in Jyvä :). 

Ok first of all, Nooo I did not cancel my whole Finland trip. I prolly will
arrive at the 8th or 9th this month. Had a real problem last night... couldn't
find ANY sleep and when I finally got a bit tired I only had 30 min left so
there was no use to try it again.. So I went to work and returned after 9h
only to have been awake for over 24h. Had a Zombie-like nap for some hours..
woke up at around 7.30pm .. now I'm not tired again and will have to get up at
4 am... Oh well. Looking forward to meet Alder and the other Jyvä guys though
Alorn already mentioned that he will be busy like hell.. oh well. Got an Email
in the evening which kinda made my day. Nevertheless should find some solution
to my Finland addiction sooner or later. Luckily I can afford to make these
trips all the time at the moment but it means that my studies are suffering
further. Am wondering about my annual US trip as well. Last year it took me to
Springfield missouri to meet Sasquach, Urza and Nightwatch.. Let's see where
I'll go this time....

Hmpf and another funny day in my soap opera called Me and my life. Got an SMS
which basically killed my plannings for my next Finland trip again... Why do i
always define myself through others and take everything personal??? What
doesn't kill me makles me stronger or something... BLAHblahblablablahblaah.
Starting tomorrow I'll work 5 days in a row ... oh well at least there is one
Sunday in it which means extra money. But also 2 early shifts.. Even took
Valerian to get me tired.. which didn't work so far though. Already the 2cnd
in this year and my Bday is getting nearer.. was Shay's Bday today though.
Wish there was more to say but sometimes i'm just too tired mentally to type
all this shit again. Let's hope that 2004 will be MY year.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Celebrated with my parents..... first time at home at
new years eve since 8 years or so. Took my PC into the living room to booze
with my parents. Had to endure my dad telling me that I become an alcoholic
(after 3 beers) and asking me to get a nice girl before they are all gone
(SNORE). Desperately tried to get drunk but kinda failed. So called many of my
cuddly finns for new years eve and had a nice and quiet evening. Managed to
get 4 tps cause I wasn't idle (unlike at xmas). So now i got 61 which should
allow me to do some decent stuff with it. I will see about that once Im a bit
more sober. Had some more than cool talks with Pietu, Darol and Kyo from the
ligue of extraordinary Jyväskyläns.Happy new year people! It'S the second year
of my life and i herewith declare 2004 as MY year.

What a day. Got up at 6 am instead of 7 am to manage to go to the travel
department to buy tickets of my contingency for this year... ended being 10th
in row and just managed to buy my tickets so that I could begin my shift at 8
am. Decided to stopm work a bit earlier and went home at 2.15pm instead of
3.45pm. Pondered the whole day whether to fly to Helsinki for just 2 days to
celebrate New Years Eve in Finland... Would be stress. Would fly at the 31st,
return at the 2cnd, work 5 days in a row and then fly back to Helsinki at the
8th or 9th. In the end i decided against it. Couldn't reach any of my friends
who initially invited me to celebrate new Year with em, so cancelled my
booking at 9pm finally. Now I prolly will go to a party of my friends here ..
4couples and me ... GREAT. Solved the Diary problem. Found out that there is a
german version of my diary series for 2004 and ordered that through
amazon.com. Surely hope it will arrive tomorrow, otherwise I might have a
problem. Still looking forward to my long visit beginning at the 8th or 9th.
Bit pissed at clumsyy my rl brother who went to see lotr III without me,
though they had tickets left. Had a good talk with Brog in the night which
rocked. It's good to call people friends.

Hmm maybe even time for a few sentences about this last year... I might be
inclined to call it the first year of my life. Way much has changed within the
life of young Dirk M. Weger... maybe more than ever before. There is a chinese
curse going: May you live in interesting times. Well my times still ARE
interesting. I still have no idea where my way will lead me. I DO have a
feeling, that it might lead me to Finland in the end but who knows what
happens. My only plans atm are to enjoy my life and I am working on that after
haveing been miserable for some years. It IS strange to write this in y Blog
but I'd like to use that place to give all those who think of me as a friend a
big hug and thank u for a great and iteresting last year 2003... I sure hope
2004 continues in the same direction, making my life more color.- and maybe a
bit less stressful. Thankls friends U rock! I surely don't know what to do
without You. One of those who I call friends told me that he thinks I give
away the title friend too easy... Maybe but I only life this one life probably
and friends are the spice in this otherwise dull rehearsal for a play that
will never take place which we call life. Blah i end up talking too much
again. Hugs! :)

You cast(s) -> 'Resurrect' You resurrect Porocks. The corpse starts to move.
Porocks's ugly face makes you jump in fright! You fumble. You feel less
experienced. Femko suffers from a severe childhood trauma. Hp: 503 (503) []
Sp: 526 (803) [-277] Ep: 262 (262) [] Exp: 76786 [-36079]

Sniff. Luckily only lost exp. 36k is ok.. could have been worse. Decided
neither to kill Porocks, nor have him killed. He is a newbie after all. Still
no decision made 'bout New Years Eve. Mainly spent the day in bed mudding and
chatting. Ended once again drinking in the evening.. luckily we only had 3
beers left so it was barely enough to get me tipsy. Again it's 4:30 and I
should sleep. I can sleep as long as I wish tomorrow but have early shift the
day after tomorrow. Looking SOOOOOO forward to meet Alder and the other cool
guys in Jyvä. Watched a half nude Ulver on his Webcam.

Slept too long like 15:00. HAd some nightmares and stuff .. prolly because of
the talks I had last night. Whatever. Again wondered about whether Im really
only in Germany to earn money for my next Finland visit. Partied with Pietu in
the evening and talked with him a bit - looking forward to be in Jyväskylä
sooner or later... it's like T - 14 days or so. Just made some twiddle exp..
slowly getting into making exp again. I'm still working on maxing my spells
and my skills.. it surely will take a moment till i start leveling again.
Druids seem to suck anyway so I just keep on working on these spells and
skills. Working on maxing Cast Teleportation and stuff.. and managed to sum a
Slaad Lord with a fumble shortly I raised the skill to 96% or so :P. Spent the
evening with my friends here in a Pub and again wondered whether some of them
always have been that corny. Well maybe it is me developing and them
developing in another direction or whatever but I don't really feel 'at home'
with them here. Blah. Didn't talk to Kotivalo in a few days now. Writing Blog
rocks though I tend to neglect my RL diary. I used to write every day and only
stop a day if I am too drunk nowadays I stop when Im too bored to write which
happens often enough. 2 more days off work and then 2 early shifts. Still
didn't decide, what I want to do at New Year's eve.. got an invitation for a
party with my friends here but that would mean me and 4 couples ... GREAT.
Would want to fly to Finland and go to Cutter's party who invited me but I
have to work in between and 2 times Finland within 1 month is just too much I
guess. I really should make some decisions about moving or shit.. but my job
.. :(

I told tomba that I couldnt access his homepage cause some access rights were
wrong

Tomba tells you 'oh I didn't realize you were begging for a tp, sorry =)' You
receive 1 task points for completing 'Minor bugs and various awarding' task.
Tomba awards Femko 1 points for completing 'Minor bugs and various awarding'
task. look at scroll

Date:    Fri Dec 26 00:16:56 2003 From:    Damogran To:      Femko Subject:
Task Points For more information you need to read it. It looks very light
weight. Scroll labeled Task Points whispers 'You haven't read me yet.' Date:  
 Fri Dec 26 00:16:56 2003 From:    Damogran To:      Femko Subject: Task
Points

You were awarded 1 task points for completing 'Minor bugs and various
awarding' task.

Spent my evening watching TV with my parents or better watching DVD with my
parents. We watched Shakespear in love which I have to admit is a very good
movie and prolly deserved the 7 Oskars it got.

Ended in having a LOOOOOONg talk with Zin and Maphesto... very interesting
topics VERY good talks.

(15:38) Thematrix tells you 'You deserve to be stoned' (15:38) Thematrix tells
you 'Jesus and God command it.' (15:45) Thematrix tells you 'Go to hell'
(15:45) Thematrix tells you 'and believe me that I believe you will.' GIGGLE.
Sooo good to have him back. Everymud should have it's own Thematrix. Luckily
it was only a bad dream, that they immorted Lythlandria.... I nearly fell out
of my bed when I read it. Got nice presents and had the first xmas without a
family fight or something. Got nicely blue though after I drank the rest
champagne and some more beers. Had some nice talks with friends however and
got some plannings for yet my next visit done. Seems as if I'll mainly be in
Jyväskylä this time. 4 free days now and then 2 early shifts. Will have to
decide what to do at New Years Eve soonish. Friends here are going to a
friends house somewhere in a smaller village but im not TOOOO much in mood to
go there but we will see. Got some nice additions to my DVD collection as
presents. The Gladiator and Harry Potter 2. Tried the whole day to activate my
'friends' here to do something in the evening but it seems as if they are all
nice little kids and spend their time with their families. Had some time
spending pondering about my life as such and the future during the last few
days and nights. Booze usually does that to me. I'm still feeling as if I'm on
the verge of breaking out of that cocoon the little caterpillar made to become
a butterfly. Remains to be seen....

Got some nice books about Finland from my parents and my aunt. Planning a
finnish xmas evening tomorrow with some cookies and Glögi I brought back home
last time I was over. 

Still pondering how life can be so sucky at one moment and so beautiful at
another. Unfortunately the amount of the sucky moments are outweighing the
beautiful ones atm but I hope I'm working on it.

Gnnnnn  ok had the great idea to drink a liter of applewine to get tired cause
I have to work early shift tomorrow.... ended in me saying things I didnt plan
to say and getting into discussion with Parsin and and and, GNNNNNN alcohol
sucks,.

Hmkaay, woke up from a phone call from work. My supervisor called to tell me
that my ID card was found! Halleluja praise the lord! I won't have to pay an
assfull of money for a new one and i don't have to be checked each time I pass
a security control. Decided not to work tomorrow ... somehow the thought of
getting up in the middle of the night to go to work suddenly did NOT seem so
good. Went to go shopping for last Xmas presents instead.... since it started
snowing it was a bit difficult to get my car going especially since im a lazy
ass and did not remove all the ice and snow from the windows. Later on my car
decided that it might be fun to freeze the windows from the INSIDE GNNN. Had a
little comical moment in the shopping center when I picked up a book about
John Lennon and a passerby started laughing loudly when he compared me with
the pic of John..  SIGH. Well anyway I got all presents and now Xmas can come.
Again am planning my next trip to Finland.. have some interesting offers to
go. Seems as if I might mainly stay in Helsinki though and maybe make a visit
to Jyväskylä. I am Finland addicted it seems. Strange day it was nevertheless.
Had a very blue stage in between but went and met my best friend for a coffee
in the evening and that actually managed to cheer me up a bit again. Had to
try to get in between Zin and Maphesto once more in the evening ... they
always end up brawling with each other. Its hard for me cause both are my
friends. Hm what else is new.. not much actually. Desperately tried to find a
new Diary for me cause the series my old one was from was discontinued...
turned out that the design I want is too seldom etcetc.. so I am woithout a
diary for 2004 so far. Sucks.

Juuuuuuuuh (Hello Munkki) Enrolled in the biometric passport control thingie I
mentioned... so far its nicely done though it almost never works... giggle
most prolly my eyes are not James Bond compatible. Great deed I accomplished
was to lose my airport security ID.....  BIIIG thing.. tried to find it but it
seems lost. Sucks major. Was told I'll have to pay for a new ID.. blah. work
was ok the last 3 days .. not too much to do but not too boring as well. Had
to use my supreme finnish skills at a couple who only spoke finnish and
arabic... So finnish was the best my department could offer and they sent
me... LOL. Again feeling urge to go back to the nordic country after I dealt
with two planes to respectively from Helsinki today. SIGH: Oh well.. next trip
is scheduled for the 10th of january prolly. Hopefully Ill be able to visit my
friend Alder then in Jyväskylä and maybe even go back to Oulu again for a few
days. Buuut we will see. Picked up the Xmas present of my company.. a very
strange CD with a kind of hymn of the airline.... rather weird stuff. Being
without my ID card means that I'll have to be scanned as well whenever I go
through security controls... argh. Let's all hope some nice person finds and
returns it. Damned work got my sleeping rhythm again out of control... but I
guess I'll get used to that.

Hello and welcome to another episode of "My Life and Me". Arrived back in
Germany after this long trip to my dream country. Actually saw the SUN again.
what a feeling. Work already has me back as well. My office called and forced
me to work a bit more cause of the Xmas travelling. As usually already am
missing Finland though Im back barely for 2 days. Had to get on every
Coworkers nerves telling em how cool (HAH pun intended) Finland is etc. etc. 
Had some great talks with new found friend Bloodhunter. Seems as if that trip
had some nice parts anyway. Naaaaaah sounds so negative.. actually was ok.
Even bought a frock coat which i have been looking for quite a while. Actually
I'll have to pick it up next time when im over. Also got me a finnish prepaid
card for my mobile. Bills got too high from all these trips before. Saw
Bowling for Columbine while at Shay's place and now am even more sceptic about
the States... Will enroll myself tomorrow at a new project at the airport.
security control with biometric elements. A bit like James Bond.. they check
ur eyes and face and stuff and thus u are allowed to pass security as a staff
member. Sounded like fun. Couldn't meet Beliar due to that work shit which
sucked major. Sigh. Actually made some exp again .. will have to start that
really though. Well an in all a day full of interesting talks actually. Even
work was not that stressy. Had a strange shift 8.00-15.45. Still am on my old
PC. Am simply too fucking lazy to get all my Zmud and triggers and stuff on
the new one.

Juuuuuu (Munkki told me not to say Joo all the time) Am in Helsinki and so far
this trip to Santa Claus' country is one of the longest but also strangest of
em all. May it be the darkness up here or a couple of other factors ... Anyway
this trip just REALLY turned out to show how MUCH my life is like a bad soap
opera. Maybe I'll tell u about it if u ask me ..Love is a hard business and
sometimes i feel as if it's almost a bit Tetris like. Whenever I clear away a
problem something new comes falling from the sky and kills all my
perspectives. Oh well. Ill prolly fly to Frankfurt in 2 days thus on
wednesday. ill have to make some xmas shopping before that though and get me
some of my favorite finnish juice to take back home. Maybe some potato bread
as well and stuff. We will see. My Padawan Beliar is in Europe and there is a
slim chance I will see him like I met my former padawan Ziba in U.Kaleva Bar
last night. Nice coincidence actually. His number is stored under Ziba in my
mobile and my mobile started sending the last sms I wrote to him and other
people 13 times. Thus, he was the only one in Helsinki to read when my bus
will arrive and joined Kotivalo and me in the bar. Was rather nice. I wish I
saw a solution to all this shit piling up but since there is none, I decided
to try to start laughing instead of crying me asleep. Blah Im talking too
much. On the + side I met a couple of exceptionally cool people which rocked
indeed. Just to see Brog, Trench, Wicks, Dargund, Qozza and all the others
rocked major of course. Again Im griefing a bit that Ill be flying home in 2
days. Heard that someone VERY important to me is planning to get married which
i didnt know which is why it was a lil shocked but I guess there are some
surprises in life I guess. Wondering whether i alreadylost weight but hey..
the Pizza in Oulu costs 2,80 bucks the cheapest big one.. and that is a good
pizza. Have to get used to helsinki prices again. Well pictures coming up soon
as Ill be back home I guess. Sarcasm seems my last help.

Joo. Am in Oulu since almost a week. Chinese Curse: May You live in
interesting times hit me again. My life continues to be a bad soap opera. Oh
well.. again Everything is experience. Few more days here at Shay's and
Munkki's place then journey onwards to Helsinki.

Ok... No. 1. Why do I NEVER learn. No. 2 why do i think I make friends when i
actually don't? Well probably I have to fall on the nose till it bleeds to
learn things the hard way. I prolly emphasize this making friends part too
much. I should never forget that Im dealing with finns. (sorry no offense
meant to those finns who ARE my friends). Was being told of for membership of
a ss from people I actually started to believe as my friends with the reason
that I'm not. Well better to learn it early enough than the hard way when it
is too late I guess. Have to admit thats a bad start for my finland journey to
come which is scheduled for tomorrow morning and indeed did not heighten my
mood which already is rather low. Oh well okokok everything is experience ...
it'S my mantra nowadays. Tomorrow Fliiiiight first Helsinki then Oulu.

Early shi(f)t. Sigh. Was Ok though. Decided not to work tomorrow and decided
to fly to Finland on the 6th. Santa Claus day in Germany and Independence day
in Finland. Actually did get some stuff done today, went shopping, had a
doctor'S apointment. Bought the new Harry Potter... damned simply HAD to know
how it continues and the booksellers lady told me it will take at least 1 year
till they publish it in a softcover version so I'm the proud owner of a
hardcover now. Actually the first one I bought in years. Barely was able to
get up after a little nap I had. Unfortunately a friend talked me into going
to a folk singing party cause another friend of us was singing there.. turned
out to be the worst thing in months... the music was SO bad that I got
goosebumps from it and had the urge to throw up. Well now am safely home ...
and didn't write the emails like I wanted and didn't pack sigh.. oh well.. I
still have more than 24h left. Oooh it's friday now since after midnight, so
it's Dino's Bday. HUGS my friend! U rock!!!

My Dad's Bday. Luckily Clumsyy DID get the presents. Had some stupid
discussions in the restaurant though. Why the fuck do they have to prepare an
onion soup from beef stock? Being a vegetarian sometimes sucks. Company
called. They need me, so that I'll work tomorrow and have an option to work on
friday as well... but I'm still not decided when I'll fly to Oulu now. Got a
match from Santa.. sigh a MATCH and I have been nice behaving the whole year.
:P. Oh well. Gnah how should I manage to get up tomorrow at 5:30 AM. Prolly
will sleep afterwards I guess. Wanted to pack and buy the booze and stuff
already and didn't manage. In addition to that I'll have to pack mucho cause I
might even stay 2 weeks. Got some nice SMS from Suger, really hope I'll manage
to meet him. And talked to Dino who absofuckinglutely rocks. One of the
coolest Oldies I know (Sorry mate for the Oldie word :P ). Still not decided,
whether I should buy the new Harry Potter now or wait, till they publish it as
a softcover. I have all the other ones as softcover but I'm just re-reading em
and finishing the Goblet of Fire within the next few days. Sigh, decisions
over decisions. Should I eat more or shouldn't I, should I fly or shouldn't I,
should I wank now or later etc etc etc.. I should start throwing dice for it..
or actually I can use my magic 8ball I guess. Wrote my first posting to
guilds.tarmalen today. Was about enhanced vitality. Tarm guild just sucks atm
anyway.

Hmmmmmmyes And another almost useless day. Payed the airport a visit, did some
stuff there, found a possibility for an internship there that sounds too good
to be true and checked some flights  to get my sorry ass to Helsinki and
further to Oulu. Heard that Malicat will not come to Hesinki this time... No
comments. I hope the kamikaze+ ss members will come anyway even though it's
just me coming as special guest. Talked to jenar who finally logged on again
today. Did some more general pondering along the usual "who am I, where am i
from, where do I want to go" line. Actually ended in one of these moments
which seem to be perfect annd though it only lasted for the blink of an eye it
was rather cool and filled my energy tanks enormously again. At least I know,
that happiness os still out there... somewhere. Did some exploring the last
days and found some rooms every day for some twiddle exp. Hrmpf I prolly
should work on my self consciousness. Actually looking forward to the Finland
visit. Might turn out to be my longest one ever so far in case I really manage
to stay there 2 full weeks though that would mean getting all my Xmas presents
there. Hm didn't I mention that before in another blog?! Whatever. It's my
Dad's Bday tomorrow.. I PRAY that clumsyy bought the presents. It's a sad
habit that my dad always gets the annual CD from Clumsyy and me but he likes
it so why change it. :) Downside of the Bday will be a visit to a restaurant
with relatives... Let's hope no one will start reciting stupid poems in
dialect or something.

Trying to write Blog a bit more regularly though I'm not sure what things
would be worth to mention here. Hm Santa is back and i got an Infra ring..
wheee. Seems I'll have to log in to bat from Finland every day to collect my
present but then again im staying at mudders places all the time so that
shouldn't be too much of an obstacle. As for RL went to an announced Movie
night which turned out to only last 2 h and ended even before the regular late
night movie began. Was strange. They showed 3 episodes of a cartoon I saw as a
child in the 80's Captain Future. It was the promotion for the DVD release but
it sucked, though it brought back some childhood memories. As for my
interesting love life. Hm am still a bit lovesick though it turns into
angriness more and more. Angry at myself for always falling into such deep
pits when things don't work out and for allowing people to toy with me. At
least I feel that way atm. BLAH. Less than a week now till i fly to Finland
yet again though Im NOT sure whether it's a good idea to fly there this time.
Some situations might arise that might end ugly. Well as Mape once told me:
"Everything that happens is experience" and I try to tell me that whenever
some strange things happen. Was really touched when I read the story Dino put
in his Blog for me. Wish I could find anythinbg to match his character as well
but I end up at the point where I curse once again that I'm in Germany. I
simply don't know my friends enough. Well Dino just rocks anyway. he has been
a great counselor in times of trouble and stuff. Blah I'm geting emotional
again.. I CAN'T be a finn if i get emotional when so many people can read it.
CLumsyy my dear brother is back in the game after a break of almost 2 months.
Let's see how long it will take till we start an argument again. Talked to
Alakhai for a few seconds.... sadly it seems as if my friends are all busy
nowadays. Checked the friendship plaque again and was absolutely amazed when I
saw that I'm on place 21 on it now, being on 81 friends lists.. that real ly
rocks :). Things like that manage to gimme a nice ego boost. So big hugs to
all those out there on whose friends list I am :). I should prolly see the
Oulu trip as a chance to relax a bit and meet new people at the kamikaze con
we have planned.. besides I already planned so many things to do. I need to do
Xmas shoppings when there and I already look forward to the french fries with
home made garlic sauce at wankers aeh wingers ,). Talked to Malag again a bit.
Damn there are just too many nice people in here. I start to see some in an
almost brotherly way. Maybe my friends were right when they nicknamed my Papa
Dirk over here.

A bit hang over depressed today.. and of course still slightly pissed at my
'friends'. Finally got some exp.. through exploring though. Remembered that I
didn'T explore nuns since I was forcereinced and did that as well as the new
rune mage guild. Dammit this guild sounds so cool. Malag keeps on telling me
about it and im really tempted for the first time since i started to reinc but
nooonooo noo I won't reinc till Im lvl 100 then i might make a merchant,
alchemist rune mage or something. This concept of solo doing something that is
not  exploring nor killing just sounds nice. Oh well. Pondered a bit about
whether I should make exp but ended up not doing it then. Helped Grain a bit
with a quest. Highlight of the day was a very relaxing bubble bath I enjoyed
with my Harry Potter book. After that latest alcohol poisoning last night I
really woinder whether I should stop drinking for a while. It is nuts to do
it. It makes one feel shitty, act shitty and even is expensive.

Whee and WHAT a great day. Am drunk WARNING. This evening once again showed me
that my friends in germany more than suck. Just retfrom a boozing eve and left
the party when my 'friends' thought it funny to make jokes about me... did I
care? No not really .. I simply left.. Oh those who wanted to sleep at my
place...hm Do I care? I ended walking home, listening to finnish music (Sir
Elwoodin hiljaisit värit) almost crying and speaking norwegian on my way. (Ask
ur local finn to find out what that means, dear americans). FUCK it really
seems as if Im born in the wrong country. Tried to start contact with my
former best female friend again as well... with not much success I fear.
Talked to Shay, Grizzt and Kotivalo ... all in more or less states of
drunkeness... not to judge my state. The only successful deed of the day
ending in some good tidings prolly indeed were my Emails with my former (?)
best female friend. Why o why do my friends seem so absolutely sucky here and
so nice and fluffy in Finland. Kinda surprised me that only ONE seldom met
friend was able to look through my mask though even he was drunk. Really am
looking forward to my next trip to Finland. Be it fleeing from my problems
here or be it starting from scratch. Blkah blah blah blah blah blah

1 blog add Ok... I did mention that my life is a soap oapera.. did I mention
it is an eceptionally BAD one.. or wait that was my dream .. actually it'S a
nightmare. Beware Batmud, Femko is in whining mode.. or then again not Femko
but Dirk. Why the fuck do I aöways try to adapt my plans to others? BLAH.
While my heart made lil jumps each time I pass the gate of the Helsinki
aircraft and the only idea that made me happy was the idea of flying there
soonish again my plans seem to suffer from major drawback. First my Contact in
Jyväskylä cancelled and now my whole trip seems threatened.. why the fuck did
I take others into account anyway. BLAH suck suck suck. Just feel like kicking
something but since walls are made of brick here it would not do me any good.
Work called and I can work some. Can't express HOW pissed I am atm that my
plans have to be changed again and blah blah blah.. prolly should sleep a
night but then again I have to work in 4 h and it is 3 am already. Really nice
whenever I think something COULD work out, something comes and kicks me in the
middle of my face. Why do i even TRY.

Seems as if I'm truly a man of extremes... complained loudly that I'm addicted
to mud and barely spending 10 minutes in there nowadays... amd actually I
don't even know WHERE my time ends. Should have so much spare time now.. sigh.
Bought me a new PC yesterday... but somehow am even too lazy to configure it
and stuff.. lol... got my account to -700 so beware bankrobbers.. there is
nothing u could rob nowadays... Again doing a bit of planning for my Finland
trip.. seems as if I'll be staying a week in Oulu this time. Maybe even during
the time Malicat is there. Some time in Jyväskylä might be planned as well.
Got 3 or 4 drunken calls by my finnish friends today. Men u rock :) Always
remember the strange german :). Had a friend of mine translate me Shadizars
blogs.... Ok if u are finnish u know what they are about.. if u aren't please
ask someone to translate em to u.. Actually my translator finished every
second sentence with an Ewwwwww. =D. Wanted to wait for some porn download to
finish before i go to sleep but it turns out that it is 7 am now and everybody
went to sleep or whatever .. so I can't get a good connection. Blah my sleep
is once again totally topsy turvy.. Sleep sucks.. it steels me precious time
from rl. HAHA As if I had one.. Placed two more contact ads in the net..
dammit someone HAS to like me .. Still a bit lovesick. Had a cool Webcam talk
with Munkki last night... he truly rocks. Decided that I absolutely gain too
much weight... dammit I tried to counteract that by drinking 0.5 l of water
each time I got hungry... but it somehow didn't do the trick.. Oh and Kids..
NEVER EVER put the whole pack of chili powder into an instant noodle soup mix
whatever from Thailand...... 

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.It's strange what
desire will make foolish people do.I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like
you.And I never dreamed that I knew somebody like you.No, I don't want to fall
in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)What a wicked game to
play, to make me feel this way.What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of
you.What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way.What a wicked thing to
do, to make me dream of you and,I want to fall in love.                       
                                                                              
                                                    Bit lovesick. Shrug.
ecided to buy a new PC. Will get it tomorrow.... still just pissed at myself
for not getting my fucking ass into gear to DO something.

Ok .. luckily some people DID complain that they missed my blogs. :) Was so
absofuckinglutely drunk last night. Thought I broke my wrist... I got that
strange idea to hit my brick wall in best Ninja action with full might.... Ok
KIDS DO NOT watch Matrix III and get drunk-ponder... can i sue em cause they
had no warning about it? Well the drunken state had some advantages. I got to
know a couple very remarkable new finnish friends last night.  Somehow hoped
to start exping again but still am in my idle stage. at least wanted to mkae
10 more m so that i hit the 100m. Well we will see. Got the special version
DVD of Lion King today, damned the movie rocks. Saw a pretts nice porn DVD on
a site today but 50 Euros is just too much.. but I'll spare u the details. I
kinda fear I might be turning into a finn.. I called like 4 times to Finland
last night when I was so drunk... sigh let's wait for my bill. Considering
buying a new PC there is a VERY nice one sold beginning from Wednesday but my
PC still works and Im not playing with it so do I really need a new one..
decisions over decisions.. and then again I just bought this 20 gig MP3 player
which cost a bit... And of course there are still decisions to be made
concerning my next Finland visit.  I miss my friends there.. but constantly
travelling there is a bit strange but then again why not taking the
opportunity as long as I have the chance. Oh my oh my. Had a lil discussions
with my rl friends here... They wanted me to join em in the evening but I was
in NO mood to join 2 couples playing RPG. BLAH should prolly continue reading
my Harry Potter Book.

OK another VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEry interesting day made contacts with a
vast number of people.... did I mention my life is a soap opera gnnn damned am
drunk but anxious to meet some people.

Humdidumdi. Got my Nosferatu DVD today.. veeeeeery ninteresting silent  movie
done in 1922. Cursed a bit when realizing that the cardboard texts in between
are in english cause I auctioned the import from the UK. Went to Matrix
Revolutions in the evening. oh well.. it's over now.. won't spoil the movie
for those who haven't seen it.. but shrug well it'S been an OK movie but
shrug. Gnn seems my sleeping rhythm is topsy turvy. Ill get more DVD's
tomorrow :) I might decide to fly to Oulu soonish.. Shay and Munkki got their
apartment their now so it would be fun to go there.. and I DO have many
friends in Oulu.

Mkaaaay got my newest toy today.. The Archos jukebox Recorder 20... Has a 20
Gig Harddisk amd I'll get all my CD's on it... theoretically.. practically I
have Win 98 as OS and have some stupid problems and can't get any CD Ripping
program to work due to some fucking idiotic Aspi whatever. Sniffle. Watched
the third season of Babylon % within a bit more than 24h. Talked a friend into
lending me his DVD's right after he bought them without him ever even looking
into em. :D Awaiting a couple of more DVD's to arrive within the next days
that I auctioned for. 20 gig on a Mp3 player rocks! :) Since a walk  with one
of the few friends here who don't suck I feel rather OK. But now it's 4 am
again.. lol I always manage to fuck my sleep rhythm up. Well some more
listening to mp3's (which is stupid to do through an MP3 player if I'm in my
room with my PC but who cares... :P) then some Harry Potter reading and not to
forget writing rl diary as well. Sigh stupid post officer woke me at 9.30 AM
this morning to bring me my player.. well I slept in the afternoon but now
argh whatever. Why is it that no one without university studies in the IT
field is ablke to operate a PC nowadays? At least I can't :(. Did I mention
that I'm eating too much again?? I'm gaining weeeeiight :(. Well talk to u
tomorrow honeys! Sad that Dino wrote his blogs in finnish.

Hmm. No one complained yet, so I guess no one is reading this shit here
anymore anyway. But who cares... time for a new blog block. Haha Im soo funny
(blog block got it ? HaaaaHaaa). Im yet back from another very hm eventful
Helsinki visit. Was my shortest one in a long while. But then again why should
I always stay for a week. Very nice visit indeed it was. HAd mucho fun. Sigh
it nowadays seems to me that I'm coming home whenever I end in Finland and
that I'm going somewhere else when Im back home. Did I mention that my life is
a silly, stupid soap opera sometimes? At least that's how I feel ever so
often. Well the only thing I learned from an otherwise very negative meeting
with a certain Helsinki Mudder is that everything is experience.. whatever
happens it's experience... It seems as if I'm on the verge of slipping back
into one of the darker / sarcastic stages of my life... well we will see. I
sometimes crave to be someone else but I figure it wouldn't be ME and whatever
I am atm is just me cause of all the external factors influencing my life. But
blah, why am i putting all that shit on my blog anyway. GRIN in shrink mode I
would say it is a desperate cry for help ,). Spent some time with my rl
friends here in germany the last days... it's my sad duty to inform u that I
fear that my rl friends suck. It's strange ... they have been my friends for
so many years but somehow either I have evolved or they have devolved (hm is
that a word? whatever) well anyway atm I mainly am home.. fell to a new
addiction called DVD.. Always am auctioning for em on Ebay. Didn't exp in days
now.Either I don'T feel like mudding or if i do, most of my friends are in
party or are Tarms themselves. Sadly heard that one planned trip I had in mind
within the next few weeks had to be cancelled. Oh well. It sucks.. usually mud
could cheer me up.. but nowadays even that sucks. Damned Winterdepression.
Fuck I want back to Finland. Blah should stop Blogging...... at least for
today.

aaand again In helsinki. Feeling topsy turvy. beeing here always rocks but it
also means flying back home again... just BLAH. Bored with all this. shrug

[02:19]:Kawasa {bat}: voitteko imee munaa vitun spellienne kanssa hä? 
[02:20]:Tomba <bat>: "I want to be zapped" in english?  [02:20]:[bat]: Ramjett
says 'yes' to Tomba.  [02:21]:Ghost of Kawasa {ghost}: wizzes dont have time
to fix bugs,just to zap players [02:21]:Ooga [ghost]: if they unidle, they
gotta take out their aggression somewhere...

Geekings fellow addicts! Long time , no see... I finally managed to lower my
addiction a bit.. and WHEE I'm back to a halfway normal sleeping rhythm... I'm
so happy. And today my very first Padawan graduated from Tarmalen guild. Ziba
is now a full grown healthy Tarmalen. Went shopping again today.. Been buying
DVD's all the time gnn seems as if I got a new addiction. Todays buys were
Titanic and Matrix Reloaded.. latter actually only cause it included a cinema
voucher for Revolutions. 2 days ago I bought Das Experiment, Joan of Arc and
Bram Stoker's Dracula. Made no exp or nearly none. Maxed Ress and Rais so at
least I get decent exp from resses and stuff.

Session summary: Time: 18 hours 41 minutes 32 seconds Experience gained:
1192459 Experience lost: 134308 Experience spent: 1067680 Gold difference:
+47871.00 New areas explored: 101

Hum after like one day or so of halfway normalized sleep rhythm Im back to
topsy turvy time... Well I AM making 1m every day nowadays but it's costinge
my rl. Tomorrow there will be a con in Jyväskylä.... and I won't be there :(
Sucks ass. Don't even know whether I'll be in Helsinki  next week as I have
planned. All in all another useless day full of mudding and TV. Currently am
sleeping in like 3 or 4 h blocks  so usually have a long nap early in the
morning and one later on in the afternoon... Overtook my old friends Chamber
and Grizzt expwise. Total of 87852592 experience spent on character. Shrug.
Luckily some friends talked me into sleeping yesterday.. without awed and dino
I prolly would have been still awake ,). Went for a trip to Mc Donalds in the
evening with a rl friend to collect my prize I won in the McDonalds Monopoly
whatever game.. so I got a cappucino classico for free... big deal... It'S the
coldest night in germany this night .. up to -10 degrees. Took out my old
Harry Potter books.. wondering whether I should read em again... would mean
taking time of mudding again.. gnnnn. My Padawans Beliar and Ziba are both lvl
29 in Tarmalen.. I'm proud of em! Was good to talk to Dino again too. I'm
missing him quite a lot since he partially froze. Maxed Raise dead.. next
thing is enhanced vitality though I still have NO idea what the spell actually
really does.. lol. Hmmm bed and Harry Potter? We will see...

Session summary: Time: 11 hours 25 minutes 35 seconds Experience gained:
771623 Experience lost: 0 Experience spent: 706587 Gold difference: +3913.00
New areas explored: 24

ok.. for all u out there.. this is a plea for help.. I am mudding like 36h in
a row with a 3h nap in between.. I'm an official mud addict. Absolute, no
question. It sucks...  Sleep is for wussies and robs me valuable rl time.. but
then again my rl is mud.. maybe I'm just too afraid of my nightmares so that I
force me to stay awake till Iam SO tired that I just drift away into sweet
somnus arms. Who knows. Dammit.. I want to meet with an old friend later today
but I already know that with this sleeping rhythm it's a no go.. I won't be
able to drive a car. Maxed Ress last night or whenever it was and almost got
rais maxed as well.. what to max next.. gnn sleep.

Hello dear readers who don't have a life and thus are forced to read the life
of another one. But sad to disappoint u.. I got no life.. it's official..
after like 18h of mudding and no sleep for another nightm I sadly came to the
conclusion that I am fucking addicted to this game. friends start telling me
to freeze but that idea alone is such qa strong NO WAY in my head that I
surely MUST be addicted.

Time: 17 hours 43 minutes 38 seconds Experience gained: 1722067 Experience
lost: 126149 Experience spent: 1556586 Gold difference: +15704.00 New areas
explored: 143

Highlights of todays session: [sex+]: Femko caresses his own large bratwurst
softly with his hands. You pray to the statue You raise your eyes to the sky
as celestial wind flows through you.

I might try to stay up till tonight but I prolly will fail. Got 2 new DVD's
Hair and Rocky Horror Picture Show. Hair is fucking sad each time I see it.
Always fighting gainst the tears at the end. Actually that musical was the
reason why I started to let my hair grow in the first place. I just can't
believe that humankind still has not learned anything after all these wars.
And it seems as if it's of no use to cure us of it. Even starts in Mud...
people pkilling each other etc etc.... Planned another trip to Finland. Prolly
over the first weekend of November.. but I will see about this. Called the
city in the morning.. My ID card is finished and I can pick it up. Ironic..
the picture on it was taken last time when I was in Helsinki and I needed
pictures for my finnish bus student ID while a fellow mudder cheered me up...
Circle of life or something. Damned I'm getting bloody philosophic when I
didn't get nuff sleep. Gnnnnn It is WRONG to go for a nap but yet I know I
will and so on and so on.. Thanks for u reading all my whining, cu in the
place of my addiction, in mud.

Time: 17 hours 22 minutes 53 seconds Experience gained: 1787747 Experience
lost: 0 Experience spent: 1972331 Gold difference: +3793.00 New areas
explored: 84

Ok long awaited absolute sleeping disorder day... don't even really know which
day it is today, sleeping in 3 h chunks and mudding the rest... basically even
seeing sleep as a unwanted but sadly needed distraction from mud. Went to the
airport this morning and met Bohemian there who arrived from Dallas and
continued to Finland.  Was fun like hell to meet yet another mudder and to get
a face to a name. Jutom announced that he started suicide and I sure hope he
will stop it again. Had a couple of good talks with different people and made
hardcore exp with Grimpold, Parsin and Nomiculious. Maxed unstun couple of
days ago and slowly are running out of useful spells to max. Am working on
ress now, then on rais and then maybe on Soul Hold or Enhanced Vitality. We
will see. 5 am atm.. maybe I should sleep.

Dirk is DEAD, R.I.P.Era takes a pile of gold coins and 3 platinum coins from a
shocked corpse of Dirk.

sacrifice cloth You sacrifice cloth.You feel your mental powers restoring
faster. pray You pray to the statue You burst out in tears as feeling of
sudden happines overwhelms you.

Time: 15 hours 32 minutes 24 seconds Experience gained: 2000037 Experience
lost: 0 Experience spent: 2058802 Gold difference: -153352.00 New areas
explored: 126

Made the magic 2m border in one session... don't have to mention that my sleep
rhythm TOTALLY sucks... it's 8 am now and Im slowly considering sleep..... Oh
well. Had some nice but stressy parties, my luck was absolutely fucked up,
managed to fumble party heals (luckily not much happens) though I have the
spell, the support skills and the masteries maxed. Am still a bit ill, got a
cold, luckily not a flu as I first suspected. Got the wrong newspaper today in
the mailbox (not that it interests anyone but I just felt like mentioning it).
Giggle atm I'm picking up the newspaper BEFORE I go to sleep. Declined an
offer from my friends to watch DVD with em in the evening.... they started at
8pm and it would have been 2 couples and me watching Harry Potter I.. so I
declined and made exp instead.. Istart to think that I got a serious Mud
addiction problem here... Somehow going to bed and realizing that I did
nothing than 15 or 16h of mudding is not such a great feeling. Ok clumsyy,
when u read that u'll prolly start again to tell me not to much that much... I
know dear brother, I know. ,). Took a caffeine pill earlier to stay awake and
now am in a state beyond tiredness. Missed talking to Naked and Selenium..
somehow our timing always sucks. Whatever.. too tired to think of anymore
social porn to fill this blog with. Good night honeys. See u tomorrow.. or
today or whenever.. time is relative after all.

 OOOOOOOOOK days get longer, sleeping rhythm still not existing at all. Got up
at 4 pm .. noe it's 6 am and I'm still not tired. Made a bit over 700k and
maxed deaths door with it. Gotta decide what spell will be next. Friend
addition of the day is Dreoca a nice and decent friend more on my list :)..
dammit I will HAVE to move to Finland one day ... there are just so many cool
people around there. Sigh. I was born in the wrong country.. I am slightly
melancholic and I hate the day.. I must be a reincarnated finn. Actually there
are some more reasons which I'll spare u dear reader. Got some information
today that made me pretty sad but can't get into much detail here though.
Feeling kinda lonely once again... Seems as if it all boils down to the fact
that mankind is  damned to be lonely in the end. But the show must go on.. it
at least always did and has to so far. Dammit in addition to bat mud Im hooked
on DVD'S now as well.. watching em all the time... I got my membership into
the Grand Menagerie of Losers, Dorks, and Geeks as losers+ is called with a
long title. Now should I be proud of that... I'll leave it up to u. Friend of
mine who just reinced into merchant considers to suicide and even started the
suiciding .. I sure hope he won't go on with it. But then again people are old
enough to make their own decisions. Maybe I AM to empathic.. or maybe I am
just projecting too much or maybe it is too late for me and Im pondering too
much again. Still a bit low on energy somehow.. there are hundreds of rl
things that need to be done... Fuck I'm only eating atm.. I gained a couple of
kilos already and it's time that I eat less if I don't want to look aeh
heavily boned aeh again. Gnn perhaps it wasn't a good idea to start watching
LOTR at 5 am...  Dammit perhaps i stay awake 24 h.. my parents are coming home
tomorrow anyway and the apartment looks as if a bomb has exploded... I'm
already looking forward to their standard question when they see all the empty
bottles I consumed.. "Oh, u had lots of visitors?" :o)

Ok great... :) I just applied for membership in loser+ ss... Giggle ..
actually reading the reasons people wrote there why they are losers were kinda
therapeutic... though I still am a loser. But then again who isn't. Got the
second season of Babylon 5 today from a friend and decided to get drunk alone
when none of my friends had time to join me. Finally some of em came over when
I already were drunk... great thing .. and interrupted like the only exp party
I got the whole day. Oh well.  Now it's 6 AM again. This is getting a bad
habit but then again a wise man today told me that sleeping rhythm is an
illness only working people suffer from. I smell like a wet weasel... too much
mudding, not enough rl. 

AAAAaaaaaand yet another day full of philosophical questions, pondering and a
bottle Cabernet Sauvignon. Slept till 3 pm... ok it sucks! Had many important
talks with many important people. Helped my old friend Barry to get an area
quest. Was slightly pissed at one Psi spell which allowed my party member to
see ALL inputs I sent into mud and that major sucked. I'm a strong believer in
human rights and the snooping in Mud sometimes gives me problems. I
acknowledge that it's not mainly a communication platform but since the
feature is there, there should be a possibility to make private tells really
private. Otherwise decided to go to a little shopping trip with the hope to
cheer me up from the grey mood I am in atm. So I ended buying me Interview
with a vampire and Minortiy Report on DVD and got me some delicious food. I
prepared me a quality meal consisting of Franconian grain soup and garlic
bread and champignon noodles as second course. Emptied a bottle of Californian
Red Wine Cabernet Sauvignon. I never was too fond of redwine before but this
was a really good one. Actually it was very spicy and fruity and I never
thought that a wine could be spicy. Anyway. Unfortunately my drunkenness after
that 1 bottle I drank alone began to fade and by now I'm sober again sigh.
Ended up not exping but helping my merchant Heihachi again, which again gave
me a good possibility to chat with cool people like Naked, Alder, Barry,
Sasquach, Malag or Jutom. Jutom and Sasquach actually even read my Blogs :).
Greatest WHEEE feeling today was when I made a routine check of my Tarmalen
Guild age and ended up seeing that I am Femko Saksalainen the grey Elf hullu
Kamikaze Doctor (Devout chosen) .... Got it? I'm devout!  Highest Tarmalen age
:) that rocked! Smirk... actually this is kinda sad... the highlight of my
friday evening consists of a bottle of Redwine and the fact that I gained
guild age.

 01:13]:Favorit bat: someone, give Femko a TP ,)01:14:Selenium bat: what for?
14]:Dogi {bat}: mudsex?01:14:Favorit bat: For making my day.Smile that surely
was the comment pof the day. Slept till 2pm again.. lol my sleep is mixed up
for sure. Not sure how much exp I made, cause we had a nice lil crash
somewhen.. hasn't happened in a long time. Helped someone afterwards who went
like FUCK I lost my eq.... when I told him that it is in his inventory he was
rather happy. :)Made some plans about travelling to Spain to meet the
Nabsters, that would rock. In the end helped my Merchant Heihachi for 4 or 5
hours botting and building fire for him since I was idle and in chatting mood
anyway. Still watching Babylon 5.. should be finished with the first season in
2 days.. or one maybe.. will have to see to it to lend me the 2cnd season on
DVD from a friend tomorrow. Am in boozing mood too... should consider getting
me some alcohol tomorrow. Realized I'm gaining weight ... I don't wanna get
fat dammit. HAd a couple of good talks with naked and later on with Alorn.
Turned out that he knows the singer of one of my favorite bands... that rocks.
Really cool and interesting what cool people one meets when travelling. Alorn
actually bought me a beer when I met him in Jyväskylä. I was so drunk already
that the bartender thought about not allowing me to enter his bar.... :P
Almost 6 am again.. I truly turn into a night person. Bad thing if i really
wanna meet Bohemian at the airport when he comes through Frankfurt on monday.
Well I'll see about it. Was really hard - almost impossible - to get a party
today. Sigh. Even tried asking on wanted.. and that's rare for me.

party say Full sp! emote sizzles with magical energy Ei joooo! Got up at like
2 pm.. my sleep rhythm kinda sucks atm.. went to meet with my best friend and
left to the nearest communal sauna here. Cost me 12 bucks for 3 hours. Was ok
but really full... waaay too many people there. And when I listened to two
guys sitting next to me in sauna asking each other whether the sand in the
timer is through so that they can exit sauna I had to chuckle a bit after
having experienced finnish saunas. Friend of mine asked me ok tell me is the
finnish sauna like this or like that and do they do this or do they do
that.... So I told him that the most important rule in finnish sauna is :
There are no rules. Giggle. Gnn just shaved 2 days ago and it feels as if I
need another tomorrow... I used to shave onc a week... seems that not only I
am getting older but my beard is getting stronger or something ,). Actually
thought I'll just go for some twiddle experience but ended up making over
1,1m. Currently am working on maxing my spells .. going for one healing spell
after the other. minor and major party heal maxed, as well as all cure XY
wounds. Now on Minor heal .. costs an assfull of exp each % atm already. Well
a friend lent me his Babylon 5 DVD's of the first season so Im conveniently
watching those while mudding. Did I mention already that I constructed the
main Mudding central here.. :O). Parents are on vacation so I got my PC in the
livingroom on the dinner table right in front of the TV. Mudding from a very
nice soft cuddly armchair atm. And again it's 6.15 am .. my sleep rhythm IS
messed up. Missed Finland quite strongly while / after I went to that sauna...
sigh germany sucks sometimes. Whatever... guess it's bed time now.. though I'm
still not tired... lol I see myself mudding till boot then going to bed in a
couple of days if I keep up the current way... Gnn sleep.

Joooo Clumsyy's (Frank's) Bday today. He actually liked my present - the last
Kaurismäki movie on DVD - or he is an ok actor. Sucked that the DVD did not
have any extra features on it... well whatever. He saw 10 min of the movie and
then asked me if finns really are like that.. he was kinda shocked when I said
yes. :) Made like 900k today which was ok, considering that I spent a big
amount of the evening in a Thai Restaurant eating yummie vegetarian food. For
those who do not know already.. I'm a vegetarian for almost 10 years now. Just
my luck that in my dish there were eggplants included... and I HATE eggplant.
Well I succesfully got all the pieces out of it .. :) My plate looked kinda
funny at the end. Gnn have been itching the whole day.. either my skin gets
too sensitive or I got some flees from the cats of my friends whome I visited
last night... so far I vote for sensitive skin.. :). Had an interesting stage
of catholicism in the evening.. Have been battling with my faith for a longer
time now.. and actually almost decided to leave my church ... today I ended up
listening to Ave Maria by Schubert for like 20 times in a row. Saw a
documentation bout the pope... prolly that was why. Also saw a report about
german neo nazis.... I really don't get  em... there are people in this world
who prolly will NEVER learn. Still happy bout the DVD player I bought
yesterday... Will have to get me some nice movies tomorrow.... eep that means
facing RL again.. sigh.. wish me luck batworld. Looked forward to some nice
chats today but Shadizar was busy again and Jutom preferred surfing.. so I
ended up with the Ave Maria and reruns of talkshows on TV. Once again my
sleeping rhythm is totally f***ed up.. It's 4.30 AM atm and I'm not tired at
all. Still yearning after nature somehow.. I guess I have been sitting in
front of the PC for too long again and maybe that Mökki trip woke up some of
my primal instincts crying out for nature now. :) Well I might go for a
midnight walk once we have full moon.. always one of my favorites. Partie d
with the Nabsters again today... I really should be called honor-nabster by
now. GNnnnnnnnnnn I am full of energy and dunno what to do.. sigh well I
prolly should try to hit the hay... 

You throw a flask containing milky bright green liquid labeled as
plastic_surgery. Wow! You feel physically empowered... your body gains
unbelievable reflexes! You save the rest of the potion. You surprise yourself
and succeed in the operation! You use some of your silicon. Wheeeeee I
performed my first surgery.. and that though I'm not even a merchant. :)
Elwood was kinda drunk so he gave out joints after I asked him... Since I'm
collecting em my lil joint box got a bit fuller again. Got myself a little
treat today and bought a DVD player for 44 bucks... was on sale... well it IS
a no name product but shrug.. it has 2 years warranty and it should do the
job.  ps The rocking person of today is Flirt. :)

Wheee started exping. got a merch to prot my eq for insane high prices but
felt like doing SOMETHING. made another level. Am 69 now and think I might
stay that lvl for a moment.. I like the number... :P OK Germans ARE kinky.
Found out that my friend Ayli suicided by mistake.. he started suicide and
forgot to take it back :( SUX! Prolly should stop inflating and work on my
skills and spells. Level chunks will be more expensive anyway once I reach 70
I guess. Clumsyy got home today as well.. which reminds me that I'll have to
get a present for him, cause it'll be his Bday on the 5th of october. Was a
national holiday today in Germany btw. Day of the German Reunion or something
like that. Whee big thing of history that happened there back 13 years ago.
Unfortunately I have never been to eastern germany when it still was in
existence. Well there still is a wall in some people's minds but thats a
different story. Someone destroyed the statue that Shay made of me and put at
Hobo. Ended up making almost 1m again though I mainly twiddled. Got 1 more %
of explore. Still a bit bored. Even had the most of all weird thoughts namely
applying for wizhood... I can't code but I surely have enough imagination for
a contentwizard. Giggle well as I said, just a very weird thought. Prolly
that's what happens if one uses batmud mainly as a possibility to chat
nowadays. Now why did i write that part about clumsyy's present anyway.. gnn
he will read it. But then again I might use that chance to take revenge on all
these stuff I got as present from him over the years.. :) He mainly bought me
books or Cd's he liked so that he could read / hear them .. :P Blah 2:30 am
again... Should I go to bed.. hmmmmmmmmm. oh well I'll see almost 1m and one
level is not a too bad start for my coming exping days I guess.

Eeep ok forgot to mention that i'm back in germany and stuff... but being
intelligent lil possums u can figure as much prolly.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand another interesting day in the life of a strange german.
Mkaaaay was so damned bored the whole day. Should prolly start making serious
exp soonish.... but I need  prots for my eq and I'm too lazy to get that.
Whatever. Was it today or yesterday that there was a bank robbery? Hmm..
anyway, it sucked. Lost 25k or so. Got my pictures of the trip online last
night on bat.org. Have to admit that I secretly hoped for some tp. I guess
since it wasn't a con I won't get some. I only need 4 to get those fucking 2
steps of a boon.. oh well. Was really bored.... even went to the city to see
to it that I get my ID card renewed. Luckily I had to have pictures taken in
Helsinki when i got me that finnish students bus card thingie. So I could use
those pictures for my ID card now. Had a relaxing party with Tonto being the
backup of a Grimpold,Fizbuck etc party who did some nice eq while I raised and
Tonto did the other work in the background. Was a bit shocked when Tonto told
me that I met him in Jyväskylä... I know I was drunk.. but THAT drunk? Had a
slight chuckle when clumsyy my rl brother congratulated me on my blog and told
me that he got to know me better through it. His brotherly advice was to mud
less... but luckily little brothers are known throughout the world for not
following their big brothers advice. Tried to talk with my new friend
Shadizar-Pexi but he was doing eq again the whole day. :( Seems as if I was
lucky that I met him without mud at the Mökki. Friends of mine in RL here in
germany had a look at the pics as well and found Finland to be pretty. Whee,
I'm not the only weirdo. Generally bored by life and mud and the rest, though
I feel pretty different after my last trip, all that travelling of my own
seems to have a positive effect on me. (Not to talk about all the things that
can happen WHILE I'm travelling) A bit sad that the He Man cartoon's first
season is over again.. remains to be seen, whether they show the second as
well. Tired all the time... perhaps I should have my blood checked.. How come
I can sleep that much?! Whatever.... time for idle again or something. Dammit,
I really should DO something tomorrow. P.S.: Saa rocks!

Ooooooh well.... My so far longest finland trip comes to an end slowly I fear.
Spent 3 VERY nice nights at Saa's Mökki near pudjasärvi (or something like
that). Had lots of booze and quality company of Shay, Shadizar and of course
Saa. This Mökki REALLY rocks. Ok .. I HAVE to admit I had to get used to the
toilet outside.... It really is not so easy to walk through the rain in the
middle of the night only to visit the toilet. Especially not when a couple of
half drunken finns tell u ghost stories about it... :) Well I survived even
this quest and meeting Saa and Shadizar gave me 2 more great guys in my RL
friends list. They sure both rock!! Kinda sad that I'll have to leave one of
my favorite countries again so soon. Oh well... I'll be back.. U'll have to
decide whether it's a promise or a threat. Got a new nickname btw.. since my
dear finnish friends were not able to pronounce my nbame properly, they
changed it to a more finnish version.. so I ended up being called Timo.... :)
Met Starshine when back in Oulu, surely a great coincidence that he is here
now as well. Went for another french fries at Winger's and had a small walk
afterwards. Was a really great trip with many highlights , the party at kyo's
in Jyväskylä and the Mökki only to mention 2 of them. Whatever.... travelling
is nice and I made many new friends and new things happened in my life so i
guess it is time to move on and get rl in order... whatever.

Oh well. Sooooo the travels of the innocent or no longer so innocent german
continues. After spending three nights in Jyväskylä I am in Oulu now. This
flight to Jyväskylä sure was something... it was a propeller operated
aircraft.. sigh well I survived. Have not been feeling tooo great saying
goodbye to friends always sucks like hell. Had a highlight little party at
Kyo's place last night with lotsa mudders, lotsa sauna and last but not least
lotsa booze. Was drunk like hell afterwards but luckily Aiwe walked me back
home safely. Nice little 5h Bus drive to Oulu then today. Luckily no little
kids kicking at my seat all the time :). Had a quality breakfast in the Bus
consisting of tap water and Pringles Cheese and Onion..... Damn how I enjoyed
the french fries at Winger*s in Oulu. Gnn am not used to Putty.. prolly this
blog will be full of typos.. but it wasn't me, it was putty ,). Will be going
to Saa's 100 year old Mökki tomorrow which sure will be the third highlight in
this vacation. Shadizar is joining us as well i was told. Yet another person I
gotta meet. Mud sure makes the world a smaller place.  Plans so far are
Boozing and Sauna... :)

Finally in Finland. Visited Kotiharju-Sauna the only wood fired sauna left in
Helsinki. And YES dear nonfinnish friends this WAS like the way u always
imagine a Sauna.... lots of old men with strubbly beards and biiiig tummies
yelling and moaning loudly... In other words I enjoyed myself. Highlight
surely was when some guy asked me to scrub hius back with a sponge.... He
didn't even stopped when I told him in my best finnish that I'm niot speaking
finnish. Later on had the questionable possibility to have pictures of me
taken in a lil photo-booth... well they were for my finnish bus association
students ID which supposedly will save me 20 bucks when I'll take the bus from
Jyväskylä to Oulu on thursday. Watched 2 very strange movies in the Helsinki
Film Festival. One was actually even german... NOW I know why all finns think
we are weird. Staying another 2 nights here then going on to Jyväskylä on
Monday. Tired like hell and suffering from an upset stomach.. apparently the
Pizza in Rosso wasn't as good as I thought.(Ok to admit I didn't think it was
good either). Hope mz tummy will get better. Has been quite some interesting 2
days here so far... **

Hum.. slightly nervous.. flying to Finland tomorrow and the trip might hold
many nice surprises. Well I will see... prolly should go to bed soonish. Will
bring waaaaay too much booze with me.. hope there won't be a custom control
:P. Found out that till 1st of January of 2004 it's not allowed to bring more
than 1 liter of high percentage booze into Finland.

Humdidum... Made a great exping start and made a bit more than 850k in 4 h..
then made a short break and chested cause inform said we might have another
boot........ well we didn't but I was too lazy to uncheest again and ended
sticking with about 930k .. pretty nice for a lazy day. Explored like 145
rooms and got my explore to 45%. This allowed me to get yet another level...
am 68 now. Perhaps I'll get me to 69 (GRIN I kinda like the number) and then
concentrate abit more on my skills and spells. My Druid Sensei Thiamin was
idle or busy when I trained some nice druid spells ... sniffle. In addition to
all that my vacation plans are changing like every day.. Last night it looked
as if I will have to postpone my Finland trip for a week and now it sure seems
as if I'll be flying this friday after all. Let's see what surprises future
holds. :) Finally managed to talk to my old cool friend Kotivalo.. who ended
leaving the party we talked in for another without even saying bye... hullut
suomalaiset! :o). Lost like three prots and even had one damaged eq through
the party well I guess it's the price one has to pay for exp. Shay is working
on a three m summary.. coolio. well I found that pure exping get'S boring.
Talking to friends rocks more. Am super nervous about this Finland trip. It
could SO rock and be one of the coolest vacations I have had in my life.. well
honeys, I'll keep u up to date.

Finally a day on which I'm not too tired to write blog again. :) Been working
two early shifts and they always suck.. being an absolute night person I never
manage to go to bed before midnight .. though the alarm clock rings at 5:30
AM. Oh well. One day shift to go and then I'll prolly be off duty for the rest
of the year. Well finalyl did get some exp done but just slow going 500k or
so. Made another chunk for yyet another level. Called Selenium in the night
and talked to her way longer than we originally planned. Oh well. time for bed
I guess.. Sigh.. my blogs keep getting shorter and shorter. Finally got told
that suffeli is a candy bar.. dammit I have been to Finland 6 times and it
needed an american tot ell me that :O).

Hum. AND yet another boozing day.. sigh. am a bit tired and stuff. Had an
exceptionally good shower today which made me a bit happy. Again didn'T exp
much .. but finally managed to get yet another level. Am 67 now. I kinda liked
lvl 66 though :). Used my Webcam more than ever today, pretty good, cause I
already wondered whether it really was worth buying it. Only thing that keeps
me going atm is my next visit to Finland. :)

Hmmmmmm and another day where I have been drinking.. this starts to get a
really nasty habit :(. Biggest success in my life today was that we managed to
run into Mc Donalds 5 min before it closes at 1am. Seldomly left bed at all
today.. gnn I gotta get my ass into gear soon. Made alevel chunk which was
pretty sweet though I actually like lvl 66.. but I guess 70 is at least as
sweet. Still didn't do major exping cause I'm missing prots... and i don't
have the money atm to protn my whole eq set. Had a nice lil healthy discourse
with thematrix in the evening. Sigh how can a single mind produce so much
mental diarhea?! MAde some preeeeeetty cool plans for my visit to Finland.
Seems as if I'm FINALLY ending in a Mökki this time. We might do a coolio
Kamikaze weekend with saa and shay.. would SO damned rock... and I smell mucho
booze already. Would want to visit a couple of other mudders as well...might
end in a longer trip this time. CLumsyy is staying home tonight as well so I
had the seldom pleasure to see my beloved rl brother once more. Though the
bastartd drunk my last beer while I was on the road in the evening. Called
Citadel in the night at around 2 am.. and since he first gave me a wrong
number I prolly woke up a poor innocent finnish family first .. EEEP. So if u
woke up last night by a ringing telephone it was me and I'm sorry but it was
Citadel's fault. Mutter 4 am again.. perhaps I should hit the hay .. I'm not
tired though... but tomorrow is another boring day so I prolly should get
ready. Talked to Barry finally after a couplemof days, was happy he is ok as
well.

wheee what a day.. OKOK I guess I started a couple of blogs this way. This is
like the third day (evening) in a row where I am semi drunk alone in front of
my PC. Not a very great thing and prolly not even anything to be proud of.
Well i got a couple of insights into my life anyway. So who knows in what
direction the circle of life will drag me. Spent half a fortune at Mc Donalds
tonight eating large french fries and 2 (!) Veggie Burgers. (+ extra barbecue
sauce) I fear I'm pregnant or something.. might be an elephant baby... I can
already see the lil trunk in between my legs. My old friend Haii talked to me
in such a way that I felt obliged to put him on ignore.. :( I'm sorry for that
but he really crossed the line this time and I once promised to myself that no
one can treat me like this. So one gone... Am on place 74 of the friendship
plaque as Dreamr pointed out today.. whee that kinda rocks.. Though i hate
competition, especially with friends. Pondering whether I should get my Orko
action figure out of the packaging or not. It is said that they are not worth
much once they are out of the package but then again.... I don't wanna use it
as money whatever but just as a thing to put on my desk. Will prolly ponder a
bit more about it. Had a good talk with Kotivalo was more than overdue but
just managed today. He rocks. Got an Email from Aiwe, made me happy :) Good to
know that one has friends. Long talk with Shay in the night. I got me the
newest version of MSN IM and he could get a look at my webcam. sigh 4 am again
.. gnn where does the time go sniffles. Well being lazy rocks too.

Great! Am feeling like a nice piece of shit.... Somehow just feeling latently
depressed the whole day, broke out and turned to shitty thoughts after I
snapped at an old friend of mine cause leading me into Rudraprayang at night
time.. of course I died. Was rather pissed at myself because I was pissed at
him.. LOL sounds stupid whatever. Just once again fed up with darned society
nowadays.. it's all about masks and money.. why is it so hard to find GENUINE
people... Perhaps thats why I like mud.. some people tend to throw away their
masks in here and try to be genuine. Got my Orko action figure from an ebay
auction today. .. great thing.. GNNNN

You here the sounds of a guard aproaching and in seconds a guard stands in
front of your cell. 'Prisoner number 14838470! on your feet!' Yells the guard
'On this day in the month of Blayhrr, year 660 you are hearby renounced of
your crimes and are set free.'  Wheeeeeee the darned Guards remembered over
boot that I pissed in a corner of BC .. well I surrendered and spent some
quality time with a green slimy something in a prison cell for a couple of
minutes.. Even got somne explore for it :P Mental note... if Zin ever asks on
common channels again Who is Your favorite Arch... do never EVER answer
anythingnelse than Zin... After some sillyhead said Gore we had the pleasure
of having Demons, Frog of War and Clones on... BTW I LOVE Elves .. sometimes
at least :You move with elven grace and the aggressive Femko does not notice
you. Giggle.. prolly should not say that too loud, otherwise they'll tune it
away. Had a busy work day and the stupid visit at the company physical. I'm
fit though. My stupid mobile operator had a technical breakdown today and I
couldn't use my mobile the whole day. Saw a picture of Haii on Dreamr's page,
now isn't he sooo cuuuuuute:P.

Time: 11 hours 57 minutes 32 secondsExperience gained: 771652Experience lost:
271191Experience spent: 0Gold difference: +22298.00 New areas explored: 163 OK
rather boring day, though I made some exp.. sadly enough I also lost 300k ..
retrospectively I prolly should have taken NB instead of ress ... but one
never knows. Today it was my dear Kuopiocon friend Bomfunk who congratulated
me for my Blogs :) Made me happy for the moment. Reactedtotally stupid again
when I dies.. I'm just a bit too impulsive sometimes. :). Had a lil discussion
with Shardik bout the usage of Newbie channel.. now I think he prolly was
right hm whatever..  I just wondered that I lost prots from a Psi Blast...
doesn't really make sense losing prots from psi damage. Work tomorrow
including a company physical exam.. and I HATE those.  Whatever, time to hit
the hay I guess. CU tomorrow honeys!

41539: Dirk, the smithy  Dammit I knew that Mud would be my end one day but
like this .... My rl name is Dirk :P Time: 13 hours 55 minutes 35
secondsExperience gained: 1575378 Experience lost: 0Experience spent:
1566085Gold difference: +19057.00New areas explored: 223 And another VERY nice
mudding day. Not sure if i even beat my last exp record or not with that 1,5m
I made today or not. It's getting cooler and cooler, Caped has his Internet
connection from his place now as has Kotivalo, so more of my friends back
online who I already missed. Again had a nice talk with Dino. He rocks. Was
quite proud when he said I gave him some ideas and stuff for his Taiga area,
though he didn't include the rooms I wrote for it. Kinda tired again... Woke
up, turned on the PC and exped.. lol where is my RL? Made the exp for the
final part of my level with Sordus and Hunts exploring. It's a real cool
thing. Am still wondering how on earth I managed to make a whole level in one
day.. and that 2 days in a row. Prolly will advance till 70 or so.. I think my
chunk costs will increase to 800 then and that already is pretty painful imho.
Don't even wanna imagine to have even higher chunks like 1m or so. Sasquach
finally was back online today. I visited him, Urza and Nightwatch in
Springfield, Missouri, USA in April. He suicided, came back under another
character name and suicided again only to start as Sasquach again. LOL ok just
saw a tell on wanted that I can't hold back... XXXXXXX [wanted]: relo rp you
bitch fuckin tarmas... OK kids.. NEVER say that at home cause it prolly will
do the opposite. Imagine I'm an idling Tarm and I#m asked THUS nicely... do I
REALLY want to rp this person? Hm but then again I might, because I already
can imagine the tells on ghost if the person dies :P. Shay asked me to write
the description of our Kamikaze SS item. Something I happily did, though I'm
not sure it's the way the general wanted it to be or not, but remains to be
seen. Generally kinda ok - good day :). Now bed sounds tempting. It gets
colder and colder and the heating doesn't work atm. Whatever..... CU tomorrow
honeys!

Experience gained: 1237531 Crawled out of my bad in the middle of the night...
namely at 8 am. Got my lazy ass to the airport where I had some Computer Based
Training Courses. Was OK I guess.. though not especially intellectual
stimulating. Went back home, did some eq for tatza then fell asleep, turned
around and accidentally hit the enter button (Got a cordless keyboard and had
it in bed) So I ended being online in mud while sleeping. Woke up and had tons
of tells :P. Drove to the airport again to pick up my parents and then began
the major exping offense. Ended up making that over 1m exp again and made
another level. Now im 65. Originally thought I'd stay 65 a while but now I
feel that I might advance to 70 before I work on my spells and skills. Hm.
Lost my Senses Thiamin in Druids who reinced out. Kotivalo is back in the
game! He finally got Internet connection from home! That rocks! Actually Im a
bit startled... though i made that much exp I found time to talk to some
friends and actually had nice talks with Tiga and Saa today. Still wondering
why I didn't make it on the top expmaker list that came out today .. it
covered exactly the time when I was making 1m each day but Im not on. Hm
whatever. Explore is up to 35% thanks to Tiga who lead me through some areas.
She sure rocks! I'm worht about 66,5 M atm and thats pretty sweet too. Sniff
though many people keepmtelling me that the amount I write here is hilarious I
am not too happy with the decreased length of my blogs. Problem is that I'm
always so darned tired when i write this. HM tired was actually THE word..
going to bed now!

Gnnnnnn got home from work, slept like 3 h again, mudded, explored secladin
with a party .. went back and found 20 more rooms I didnt get with the party.
Did some exp with fellow Kamikaze Pertulio and old friend Jutom who hasn'T
been online in ages. Forgot to write Emails to some old friends asking them
why they don'T mud anymore atm. Missing Thunk and Pequod and Isaiah for
example. Called my ole friend Shaggydope in the states and ended talking to
him for over an hour. He rocks! Mental note to myself.. visit Shaggy asap.
Luckily I found a company just charging 2,5 cents a minute. Now am tired.. but
still have to program the VCR to record He-Man tomorrow while I am at the
airport for a training. SNORE prolly will fall asleep there. Now to beeeeed.

Made a level :). Only slept 1,5h last night before my early shift. SUCKED. Was
in bed pondering and pondering and pondering.. for over 4 or 5 h. Work was ok
though obviously I was tired like hell. Mudded for some exp with Tatza after
work then fell into a coma like sleep for way too long. Finally got
regeneration and Flex Shield now... if only at 5 percent or so. Giggle. Damned
early shift tomorrow again.. sigh. Had a nice talk with shaggydope in the
night when I was supposed to be spleeping already. This Mud sure hosts cool
people. I doubt that i could have chosen a better job besides my studies to
meet all these guys.

Ok work sucked.. had a major discussion with co workers etc etc. Whatever...
No use crying over spilled milk...  Just visited mud shortly after work. Lag
was SO bad that I went for a nap.. slept again waaay too long for a nap but
shrugs. Luckily got online for the evening again cause I ended up talking with
Caped and Tatza a lot which was good cause I felt a bit  bad neglecting my
friends after all this Exp exp exp exping the last week or so. Work the next
few days so prolly won't be on much which will suck but then again gives me a
oportunity for rl. Got a piece of eq I wanted for a long time. Tatza used his
Annatheer graaweizta on me and got my sps to a max of 1984 took us some time
though. Tatza sure rocks. Another fine example of the people in here I would
miss too much prolly if I would stop mudding. (Oh and all of U that aren't
mentioned in here, I don't like u less, I'm just an old man (26 already) and
prolly forgot that I wanted to write about u in here by the time I'm typing
this stuff in the night.) Got an Email from Unacorda who cheered me up by
praising my ramblings in these blogs. Good to know that another one out there
reads ths stuff flowing from my brain to my fingers to the keyboard. But now
to beeeeeeed... Got early shift which means getting up at 5.30. Sigh. So good
night people in Bat World.. wherever U are. :)

Hmkaaaaaaay And another day in Batworld. Tomorrow finally work will start.
Made my daily quota of 1m again today then in the evening felt like going to
bed... so I prolly will wake up in the middle of the night. Am eager to work a
bit though. Will feel good to finally dress in my lil uniform and be a happy
worker. SIGH well whatever. It FINALLY started to rain outside.. whee thats SO
good. Didn't rain in like months. Broetchen earned himself a comment in this
blog after asking me what my main drugs are that I use cause he thinks that no
one with a sane mind can write blogs like I do. Giggle. Well people I AM a
language student after all and I like to write (been writing rl diary for over
3 years now every day) so... Though I admit I am NOT sane. :) Woke up with yet
another great Masters of the Universe episode. I think they are so great!
Explore is up to 33 atm. The tunes really rock! Though it remains to be seen
what happens when I run the same areas over and over again. Gnn why do these
elves have to go for a drink all the time?? My drow NEVER ever had to drink
that often. Sigh. Must be the humid air in the caves or something. Finally
talked with aiwe again. Sadly he is not mudding that much like he used to. Oh
well. Malag is going for a trip too... well I'll be working a lot anyway this
weekend. Old friend of mine wanted to go boozing with me and another old
friend tomorrow... but i work till 6:30 pm an got early shift the next day. Hm
well I'll improvise. Nothing much happened otherwise. Didn't do anything in
rl.. I start to think I'm Femko. LOL I SHOULD have that break :).

Ok I finally am getting old. Was already in bed when I realized that I don't
have to work tomorrow but on friday sigh. Damned where is my brain.

And another level and 1m exp made. Somehow I felt more thrilled when I made
Tarm levels back time ago. I mostly got a cool new spell and stuff.. with
druids it's just shrug. But then again I might be generally a bit bored atm.
Just exp exp exo isn't the real thing for me I guess. But then afgain it
always feels so strange to see people with half my game age being like levels
above me. Hm whatever. Work block starting tomorrow. Day shift then 2 early
shifts. Sure will suck to get up at the time I am used to go to bed atm. After
like 8h of constant mudding I finally managed to break away from the PC and
decided to go for a walk to see the mars again. Turned out to be the best
decision in weeks :). Actually was a bit afraid when I first started out
walking into the dark woods and stuff next to my parent's place, but soonish
ihad a great view on Mars and on Frankfurt city. Felt rather strange and the
city looked more like a hmm cancer growing on earth's skin shrug. Never been
much of a nature freak actually shrugs. Anyway, the fresh air managed to get
rid of my headache and perhaps work tomorrow will be a good thing cause I
won't be able to mud too much then. Was a bit pissed when my party at one
point wanted to force me to ress a member with a char of under 50 which I
refused. Sorry guys, You gotta keep ur charisma high. Some tarms might not
care but since I don't plan to reinc (again, unless they turn elves to be evil
only now too or something :P) I won't ress low char characters. Had a good
talk with Malag again. Am a bit sad that some of my old friends with whom I
had great talks are not playing anylonger or just for very short and are
always busy. Strang thing that people who seem to be friends and are super
important at one point can suddenly become rather unimportant. Human brain is
a strange thing for sure. Talked to Dino again and read his blog. GRIN seems
to become a habit to mention him here:). I got some ideas for his new area but
hmm I'm either mudding or doing rl stuff. Well maybe I'll write some. Dammi t
after that walk I feel the deep urge to fly to Finland again and go and see
some nature. Well work comes first and if I really feel like it I might go for
this internship end of the year. So again people out there who read so farm if
u got a place for a lil hullu saksalainen as an intern for 2 months.. tell me.
Hugs honeys!P.S.: At least Starshine just said he reads my blog. I'm happy now
:))

Time: 15 hours 12 minutes 34 seconds Experience gained: 1524714 Experience
lost: 0 Experience spent: 1501937 Gold difference: -16727.00 New areas
explored: 422 What a day. Woke up at 7am cause a very good friend sent me a
sms. fell asleep again. Woke up at 12 again cause my parents needed someone to
pick them up from the airport. Did that and didn't manage to fall asleep
again. Mudded like the whole day, with a 2,5 h nao break in the evening and a
1 h break I used to get outside with my telescope, hoping to catch a glimpse
of Mars.. sadly enough my telescope proved to be too bad quality though I got
a nice view of the mars for a split second :P. Well went back to mudding from
that little quest to find the mars. Made some pretty sweet explore with
Broetchen and later with Okk. Feel like an exp making zombie but somehow
wanted to break the magic 1,5m per day border. Still looking for the darned
healer tabard. Got one offer for 1,1m that I might take though I don't have
that much atm.. sigh. But having much on the bank account sucks... with my
luck I'll get robbery soon. Oh and made a lvl today, am now 62 and might make
it to 63 tomorrow if I keep up this rate. Started to dream about Mud last
night, I maybe should consider to mud less. Talked to a friend who is in the
States atm and told her to get me the Evil-lyn, Orko and Syclone action figure
:). I used to LOVE the show when I was a kid and had all the Master of the
Universe action figures. Now did I write that yesterday already? Gnnnn Ok it
IS time to hit the hay. 15h mudding takes its toll I bet I'll dream about mud
again. Had a very good talk with Malag to day btw. He rocks! I really like my
Kamikazes!

Haii tells you 'you have no life ,)Haii tells you 'your blog is fucking nuts
:) GRIN Made like 600k exp today which was exactly sufficient for one level
chunk. If I hurry I COULD make it to 65 in this remaining few days i have
without work. Was informed that 2 of my rl friends who went on a picnick with
me 2 days ago are a couple now :P. I left them earlier (1am) to get to mud and
apparently they used the time to get closer together under the open stars.
Anyway had a couple of GREAT talks on mud today :). It'S good to have friends
around. And Dino, I meant ur timeline in the last blog and not the cw though I
still dont see the difference :P. Ok.. 4:30 am.... maybe I SHould hit the hay
again. gnn am not tired though oh well... 

Bohemian tells you 'when was the october fest?'

Ok.. nice day.. made a level and only died once I guess. So now Im lvl 61 and
got as mana druid lvls as I used to have before I reinced only that I have 1
nav lvl more now. Read Dino's Homepage amd his selected Thematrixisms and
decided to absolutely have pity on Thematrix. Decided not to go to my favorite
country (Finland) this month sniff... but there is some RL stuff I have to do
first which is more important than pleasure. Got up at 2pm or so.. way too
late.. have been mudding too much prolly. Couldn't hold up my 1m rate buit
thats ok I guess. Rl should have some part in my life I guess. Also read Dinos
curriculum vitae and decided that it's pretty interesting. Talked to someone I
met in RL on mud and it ended in being a nice conversation. Was visited by a
rl friend in the evening. We went for a walk and the sky was so clear that we
saw many stars and even had a beautiful view of the mars. Evening ended VERY
funny with some VERY intimate discussions about sex on bat channel and I found
out some funny things about clumsyy my rl brother during that. BAT sure is a
funny thing. Well after a couple of beers Ill go for one more Bacardi Breezer
now prolly. and then retire to ponder about how bad rl is :P.

Ok I AM shocked.. :P kamikaze+ who ,------------. | Lvl | Name |
|=====|========================================================================
 |   0 | Femko Saksalainen the grey Elf hullu Kamikaze Doctor
`------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Sigh.. not only that Im a civillian in Kamikaze now.. NO now they all abandon
me and I'm the only Kamikaze around. Well ok it IS friday night and thats
holiday for all boozing finns but so what. SNIFF! Made another 1m of exp
tonight. Personal Exp and Explore tune sure seems to rock. Nothing
extraordinary happened I guess. Thiamin has had the stitches removed and I'm
glad he will feel better soon. Barry only was on for short and I'm already
missing him. Also heard that our teenage prince Maffe (Maphesto) won't be
playing for a while which sucks. I always miss my friends when they are not
on. Cruxtin wasn't on for almost 2 weeks and a couple of others are sadly
missed by me. Oh well. 3 am so prolly time to change to chilling/idle mode.

Goodie day! Slept too long to log on at boot but then again boot is at 11:00
am here so I guess I got a reason to sleep :P. Still enjoying these days
without work :). Caped was back on and I was glad to talk to him :). Later on
talked to Kozma whom I didnt see since he vanished at Kuopiocon. Was great to
talk to him again too. He also helped me with End the war which IMHO is not
not very difficult but a pain in the neck but we made it. Made Souts after
that (which isn't challenging IMHO) and thus finally got the rank I was hoping
for so that I'm a seeker now which is pretty cool. One day I'll get the healer
rank back as well. Leading Tarms rocked when I did it, though I have to admit
that we really need some new cool things for tarms... wizzies haven't done
much for us in the last time imho. Was a bit tired but a little caffeine pill
got me going again.. much easier to use than coffee and even cheaper to get in
the pharmacy. Made some nice and easy exp with Starshine and Hugbear in the
night. Lost about 100k due to deads during the day, but thats a price I
happily paid for that seeker rank :). Started planning a kamikaze ss camping
topur through Lappland next year. Shay and Suger think its a great idea and
our scout malag needs to be convinced now. Also already started to ponder what
I should do, once my blogs reach the magical number of 100. I read that
mortals can only have 100 blogs.... that would mean I will have to end this
journal in 1/3 of a year. Well Ota Rennosti I guess so I will deal with the
problem in time. Had a nice walk with two friends in the evening in the
nature. Saw many stars, makes one feel sooo small again. Seeker Femko
Saksalainen the grey Elf hullu Kamikaze Doctor Time: 15 hours 21 minutes 45
secondsExperience gained: 853280Experience lost: 104046

Humdidum. Rl still sucks.. no further comment on that here. Serious exping
started for me today. Had a couple of rocking parties or then again managed to
be a better healer after the reinc. Time: 14 hours 1 minute 19
secondsExperience gained: 1060311Experience lost: 51040 Experience spent:
1156645. 1m a day is a pretty cool thing to do. Started exploring as well and
mapped some BIG areas. While doing so finally finished The Riddler I have been
working on for weeks now. After Shay decided to give Malag a higher rank than
mine in Kamikaze I finally asked him to make me a civillian. Im missing my
rank a bit but then again Im a pascifist in rl. Got a call from work that I
worked too much for this year already and that I prolly will stop working for
the rest of the year in september, getting payed though the whole year. I
might really go for that internship in Finland. So honeys, in case u got a
place for me to work as an intern for 1 or 2 months.... drop me a note. Quest
and call from work made me feel abit better after shite in rl too... whatever.

Okokok my blogs keep getting shorter but then again not much happened. Went to
work in the morning.,.still grumbling bout early shifts.. they suck! Went
home, slept a bit, went for some explore then for some exp. Party ended with
an almost pwhipe .. luckily I survived :P. Ended in charging my Druid staff..
and finally gave up for today now.. at least got it to bright green. Casted a
couple of NB's today.. lol prolly even more than i did in my whole career
before the forced reinc. Anyway.. tomorrow is THE day... so I should hit the
hay.

Explored... didnt do much else.. just have to get used to being a full tarm
again :)). Just did some nice and easy eyplore runs with jenming. Major exping
will prolly start in a couple of days. Friend of mine said that mud is
starting to bore him :( Couldn't soothe him and that sucked.. I guess Im just
to addicted to every single one of u guys who is reading this shit the hullu
saksalainen is typing. Knowing that one has friends rocks. Still haven't
decided whether I should fly to Helsinki in a couple of days. Well... I'll
improvise. The early shift sucked.. got up at 4 am.. this must be against the
human rights conventions... In addition to getting up so early I forgot my
ID's and had to run to zillions of places to get replacement ID's for just
today. Whatever... playing some Zelde on my gameboy now and then into the
sweet embrace of Somnus.

Session summary:  Time: 11 hours 41 minutes 32 secondsExperience gained:
220574Experience lost: 328520Experience spent: 41076621 Gold difference:
+83848.00New areas explored: 154

Hmmmmmmkay. Did Magic Tower!!! Thanks to Smoking who lead and all the other
honeys who helped so much! HAd a rocking party even Laaban joined and tanked
for me :)). Did It's Dog after that and was pleased to finally get something
done. Originally wanted to try whether Return the Amulet was already done
today, but first didn't get anyone who knows the area and later the fucking
cook DEST Starshines weapon when we tried some things in there. Deicded to
skip some quests after I got ambushed and killed by an idiotic Tarpan in
Dino's Taiga... So advanced to 60 and finished my reinc. Somehow my spells are
all lower than before.. prolly should have calculated more.. but who cares.. I
still am a rocking Tarm ,). Well Now Ill have to charge my druid staff to
bright red again which will take a moment. All in all Im pretty happy with
this forced reinc..... gave me a good chance to do a fresh start. Talked to
Shay and Malag got the Kamikaze name he wanted. Always great to have friends
and to help them. Came up with the idea to do a rocking Kamikaze camping tour
through Finland next summer.. some liked the idea.. remains to be seen. 3
Quests to go still.... So trogloydes U'll be miiiiine. Might do trogloydes,
Scouts and The Riddler. Sure hope that Player quests count for that rank. Even
tried Necromancers dream today cause it was full moon, quest was messed up
though already. Dino cheered me up a bit and seems to actually read the shit I
write here, which encourages me to keep writing and writing. Got the starting
shift tomorrow, meaning to get up at 4 am to be at the airport at 5 .. sigh oh
well.. will be home early though and already am a bit tired.... so sleep
sounds like a good idea. Good Night Batmud, CU tomorrow! Oh and finally got
things settled with Shay last night. He rocks!

Aaaaaaaaand another attempt for Magic tower done... and failed again.. this
time surprise surprise anther item was gone.. great thing! Who the heck
invented once/boot quests????? They sssssssuuuuuuuuuuuck dammit. Rl sucks as
well. Had a pretty stressy day... got into conflict with some people in mud as
well. Prolly mudding while being in sad or angry mood is a bad idea anyway.
Question is, whether Ill manage to get up at boot to get magic towr finally
done... The big summernight festival in my home town wasn'T as great as I
recalled it to be. somehow all the kids there seem to get younger and younger
but then suddenly I realized .. eeep it is me who is getting older. Sigh! Got
called by Kotivalo a couple of times, the only highlight of the day actually.
One day I really might end in Finland. **

RL sucks. Worked from 9:45-18:30 luckily not as much stress at the airport as
I thought cause of the non existing electricity on the east coast. Not much
time for mud thus. Didn't manage to catch Shay to talk to him :(. Attempted
one area quest namely It's Dog... aaaand actually even found out how to do
it.... Sadly enough a party member found the right syntax and thus got a
checkpoint credited that I would have needed.... so today no quest for me.
Well I at least know how it works. % to go.. I theoretically could get the
award with area quests only. Scouts, It's Dog, Trogloyde rod, The Riddler and
perhaps Necromancers Dream or sth like that... well I want Dinos however and
Magic tower didnt seem too hard. Skipped Return the chest and Ivory blades
though. Simple reason for that, wanted to reset my explore while it still is
possible.. and needed to get nav levels before that. So pondered and decided
to take 4 instead of 3 nav levels while I still could (had explore count of
63%) and then resetted... Feeling pretty weird to have 0% again :P. If I won't
make these quests soonish I'll go for the lq alternative... I really wanna
start making serious exp again. Well work again tomorrow, so I guess I should
crawl into my bed. At least managed to get Sunday off.. used to have an early
shift there but Saturday evening is THE social highlight in my city..
Summernight festival.. the whole city full of people and and and.. will prolly
booze a bit and might not end in mud tomorrow... well we will see. Sunday will
be quest day then.

Great just had a short argument with shay which I didn't want:(( I sometimes
think Finns and Femkos always end in stressed situations :( .. shitty end of a
shitty mud day I guess**

What a day... Got up at 11 to be in mud directly after boot, though I was dead
tired. Well managed to get up somehow, met with Smoking (even saw a pic of him
and Flirt, man they sure are a rocking couple (I especially like Smokeys
suit)) to get party together... unfortunately it took too long... Magic tower
was ruined again ... since a stupid f___ took the same stone like yesterday
and TOSSED it GNNN .. it sucks to ruin once boot quests like this! We swapped
over to Return the chest.. did a good job... and got almost pwhiped.. finished
it only for me not to get the quest in the end.. and no one knew why. Sigh
Party was not big enough for Frostblades (besides it was done later on by
another party anyway), Return the Amulet was already done... checked Trogloyde
rod and even THAT was done .. respectively ruined cause somneone killed the
renegades... waited for them to repop then stopped the whole shit, was totally
pissed again and went for a nap. Hope I didn't get anyone toooooo pissed to
day. Prolly was in a worse whining mood then usually. Since I at least wanted
to do 1 quest I attempted Find frex frox and though it took us ages following
the lil critter we finally got it killed and with the assistance of my
favorite finnish Wanker Kohothegreat, Barry, Malag, Bmoa, Tyril and Koreababa
I got it :). 46 quests done... 5 to go, since Kitty doesn't count.  2 if I
take Scouts, Trogloyde Rod and The Riddler off that. Sure want to attempt
Dino's lq. Might try return the chest again.. though might also skip it.
Seemed rather easy but I wanna finish this reinc as soon as possible. Lost
like 750k in deaths the last 2 days since whenever I train it is substracted
from my safe exp because I reinced before the new reinc system got active.
Longer talk with my former padawan  Nightwatch and my sensei Thiamin made
clear that I really should start doing stuff to get my rl under control.
Dammit I'm too addicted to this mud... realized that when I felt angry after
these quests didn't work out.. it's a game... shouldn't get me angry. 
Whatever. Won't be on much the next 5 days... work work work.. DO have one
week opff afterwards but prolly should finally move my ass to my own apartment
instead of spending the whole time in exile in Finland again. Damn I sure like
working for an airline. Travelling to meet friends rocks. Perhaps I'll do a
one day shopping trip to London.. LOL am I decadent or what. Am not tired at
all... but gotta get up in 6 h or so. Well why am I writing all that stuff
anyway. Is anyone reading it? If yes send me a mud mail LOL .. wondering
whether I should continue these blogs. Ending with my good wishes to Thiamin
and Chamber to get well again. (No Thiamin, green is NOT a good color for Your
thumb :) )

Experience lost: 459734 Well I guess its the cost of questing while reincing..
and I'm a Kamikaze after all. Day started VERY good when I got Magic Cloak and
Sacrifice Staff. Thiamin rocks though I'm still worried for his thumb.. 8
stitches ouch! Magic Tower started super good as well..... we got the cross
etc etc... but one fucker either wanted to ruin the quest or didn't know what
to do and took one of the stones. Was SUPER pissed and logged of for a while.
Had a lil nap in that time, dreamt about questing.. lol I guess i'm mudding
too much again. Nice surprise when I got Ant Hill in the evening though. Got a
new Padawan from that quest too, namely Cedryk, he sure shows potential as
tarm. Also got back beliar as Padawan from Sprite who Babysat him while I
wasn't full tarm. So Wheeeeeeee am full tarm again, finally got my glowing
star back. Cant wait till I get the rank ... questing sure is fun but also
enough stress. I might skip return the chest and Ivory blades hmm.. well I'll
see what tomorrows boots brings. I bet it is one of these sucking once/boot
thingies so not sure whether I'll get a suitable party and some knowledge
about it till then. Blushed a bit when I found out that I didn't include Barry
in my thanks from last night.... I couldn't even have attempted this questing
thing if he wasn't around. He sure helps me a lot. Still pondering about
resetting my explore .. but then again I don't have invis and got my explore
to 62% in 1,5 years hmm. Still missing my nav levels and my nice little druid
fires. If I get 3 more area quests respectively The Riddler and 2 aq's I only
need 3 lq's hmmmm well I'll see. I prolly can get Magic Tower again.. and
Return the Amulet ...  Well I should stop pondering. 3 quests in one day is a
pretty cool thing. :) Giggle, mentioned Jenar today and tataaaa he logged on
today. A pity we didnt talk much. It kinda sucks to work shifts.. I'm only
able to play around boot when i got a day off and most quests are once/boot.
In my case for the next time it means I only got tomorrow. . then there is a
new block of 5 shifts coming up.... got almost 1 week off after that but who
knows, I got that feeling i might be in Helsinki in that time again.. we will
see. Damned only 1 AM here... time for yet another quest?! hmmmmmm

My lucky streak is continuing. Got Save princess Daisy with the help of my
Kamikaze friends and my former and future Padawan Beliar. Kamikazes really
rock and Im happy to be a member. Work sucked but I played some Game Cube
there and improved my skills there in rl. Questing starts to rock. Got
apointments to do Sacrifice Staff and Enchanted Cloak tomorrow after boot.
This would mean restoring me to almost my former glory and getting me nearer
to my goal to get seeker rank. Actually this forced reinc isnt THAT bad. It
gives me the chance to do some quests and though they can be a pain in the
ass, I found that they can be nice as well. A bit sad that all these cool
tunes take place now that Im in the midst of this reinc. Explore tune,
personal exp tune.. and I don't have navs yet and still got safe exp on,
making exp making a bit difficult. Well if i learned one thing from the finns
it's improvising, so I'll just wait and see how this Femko character develops.
I'm starting to miss old friends who didn't log on in a long time like Mimu,
Kotivalo, Jenar or Elier just to mention a few. Either I am getting older and
more addicted or they found happiness in RL. Hmm 42 quests now.. minus kitty
making 41... 9 to go. If I get sac staff and enchanted cloak it would mean 7
to go. I can get Scouts and Trogloyde Rod too, making 5. Hmm Ant hill can be
done too.... 4 OK Hmmm  Find Fred Frox... hmm 3. Dammit this has to be done
soonish: I wanna get my levels back. Not being to heal and help others sucks.
I feel like a useless Tarm.. lol was I really that helpless before? :) Navs
really rock. Whatever.. not really tired but going to bed nevertheless, must
be awake after boot. Hope Thiamin's thumb gets better soon, that accident
really sounded terrible. It hurt ME when he told me about it. Prolly am too
empathic :P

Mudding day ended with a VERY relaxing sauna session with Only real Kamikazes
who followed the Generals orders, namely Pertulio and me. (And the general of
course) The General magically summoned some booze and we had fun.

Wheeeee. This rocks! After stressy day at work, I FINALLY made Rescue Dorian,
thanks to Dupre and other great guys who helped. Advanced to 36 or so. This
reinc still sucks but allows me to test some nice things that I always wanted
to do. Soooo more questing. Still proud that I got Errands, working on The
Riddler and got like 50% of it already. Next goal is the Princess Daisy
thingie lq whatever.. Remains to be seen whether my patience lasts that long.
About 9 quests to go, to get Seeker rank. Nice talks with Shay late in the
night. Oh before anyone asks again.. yes, I did reinc, no I did not do it
voluntarily. Instead of a cool drow Im a gay cheery wood jumping elf now ..
sigh. Drows were tuned, so i couldn't be good aligned anylonger. No I still
got a chance for the No Reinc award. Why? Well drop me a tell I'll explain.