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Femko's Blog >> 7916

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Posted: 15 Apr 2004 07:44 [ permalink ]
Nightshift... I love nightshift. Gives me time to think... not that I don't
already think more than enough.  Another day in my life which I spent with
trying to do something productive. Somehow itall boils down to the decision to
become a  grown up... I guess I should simply define myself as an adult and
wheeee suddenly I'm one... But then again what happened to my ideals of being
a modern Peter Pan.. the boy who never grows up, living at the second star to
the right? Just one wonderful thought is enough and I can fly.  Humhumhum.
Some things have happened again today, ending in me questioning the human race
again. How can it be that we are all a bunch of liars and egoistic animals
when it comes to ourselves and relationships. Basically everyone on this
planet just craves to have someone in ones bed to cuddle and just to have  the
wonderful feeling that one is not alone... but why is it so difficult.. it's
not like in the books.. boy meets girl, they fall in love, some obstacles, 
they marry, have kids and live happy ever after... It's tears, arguments,
accusations and a lot of evil thoughts, lies and and and. Strange that it
always  looks so nice in the movies... after all they are done by humans.. but
I guess it once again shows that mankind always craves for what it usually
does not  have. Blah my english is getting so damned rusty... but then again
its in the middle of the night so I DO have an excuse for it. Sometimes there
are moments in my life when I feel like saying HEY now I'll be an adult, now
I'll grow up... but then something happens or I just can't make it and I just
revert to a drooling child who wants to curl in bed, preferrably with his
teddybear. Friend of mine now decided he will become a Buddhist.. he started
reading books about how to find ones inner self and stuff like that... I just
so didn't care.. guess it shows I'm not ready for my inner self yet... maybe
better though. ... might be scary like hell what i might see :P . Still
looking forward to my Kuopio trip which now is less than one week away. I plan
to have the time of my life again... though being the person I am I can't help
but to ponder what will happen after I'm back.. which trip I'll be looking
forward to then, which illusion I'll run after then. Blah I'm in bad mood...
Got quite disappointed from someone I like very much today and am pondering
whether its worth being sad  or whether I should just move on with my life,
define what happened as experience and just go on... which I prolly will but I
am just so terribly nostalgic sometimes and seem to have real problems just to
go on with my life without looking back and living in the past. It's important
to learn from the past but it seems not healthy to actually live in it. I'm
living a great life.. I got money, friends, I am travelling all the time, am a
creator in a wonderful game called batmud... and still I'm not happy everso
often. Main decision to make sooner or later is to find out whether I will
stop studying and start working full time or whether I will finish my studies,
earn my degree, be called M.A. and THEN be a nice society robot and work full
time. I guess my journeys are just a tad bit more important to me at the
moment. Of course there also still is the thought of going to finland one day
for some time. I just fell in love with the finnish people though there surely
are countries with nicer weather situations it's such a shame that I nowadays
have more finnish friends than german ones. I'm n ot even sure if I did
something wrong or something right to come to that situation...