So, I'm maintaining a positive illusion most of the time.  It's not easy and
on occasion I release my negativity.  That release always makes things go
backwards.  But if I don't release it then it eats away at my very essence,
turning me too bitter to be outwardly pleasant.

Well...this song in my head thing is really helping my social network outside
the home.  I had breakfast with a new group of people today.  We've recently
moved offices at work, and these are the people I am sitting near. 
Conversation flowed easily enough both to me and from me.  Because of recent
changes in the workplace, I will be working with these people in the near
future.   I like this.  It's a new start with new people (even though I've
seen them around for years).  A clean slate, so to speak.  They don't know the
quiet, unapproachable Tarquin, just the contented easy-going guy.  It's still
fake, but phony happiness is easier to take than real lonliness.  I just hope
I can keep up the charade.

Inside the home is a different story.  My children still love me, and love
being around me.  Wether they want to play games or sit on my lap to watch
cartoons I cherish the moments when I can.  But...there is a dark side.  When
they fight and bicker amongst themselves I cannot appear to be the happy Dad
guy, I have to be the disciplinarian.  This ends my approachability.  Who
wants to play with a person who jut yelled at them?  They are fickle, and I
know that discipline is as much a part of my role as play.  And I accept my
role, in good times and in bad.

I am still very lonely.  The wife will sit in a chair and watch TV all
evening, her choice of shows, while I can sit on the couch and watch, or
bugger off.  I am irrelevant to her.  It's been 11 days since getting laid. 
Funny thing happens to me after 10 days, the drive plummets.  Another funny
thing happens to her after 10 days, her drive rises.  Tonight she'll go out. 
Maybe I'll mud, maybe I'll cry myself to sleep.  Either way, I won't be happy.

Darkness enhances fear.  When I wake up in the middle of the night feeling
alone, abandoned and empty I want to look around and see the things that
comfort me.  I want to see the love of my life lying next to me.  I want to
see the traced hands of my children hanging on the wall.  I want to see the
home that has been made.  I open my eyes and all I see is darkness.  I want to
be held, but I dare not wake anyone.  I want somebody to say that they love
me, but all I hear is indifferent rythmic breathing.  It's the middle of the
night, and I am so utterly alone.  By waking nobody I condemn myself to the
lonliness, and so I cry myself to sleep.

It's been 24 hours since my vow to not respond to fear.  But there was more to
it than what I wrote.  I decided to work, really work, at projecting a
positive aura.  What the hell?  New age crap?  No.  Aura, vibe, image.  I just
don't know a good word to use, so aura will suffice.  There is a trick to
projecting an aura, and it isn't smiling.  A forced smile is transparent.  A
positive aura is seen in your smile, your eyes, your cheeks, your posture,
your walk and in your voice.  It is in too many things to easily fake.  You
have to force yourself to feel it.  I do this through music.  I think of an
upbeat song that I know and get it stuck in my head.  I keep this song at the
forefront of my thoughts.  This probably won't work with headbanger music, or
classic country.  Think of a 'happy, fun' song.  I find 'The bad touch' or
'Too Sexy' work well.

With a song in my head, I involuntarily assume the emotion of the song.  The
two I mentioned are a weird mix of happy, fun, and sexy.  So regardless of
what's happening, I'm having a bad work day, or traffic bugs me, or whatever,
I keep the song the primary thought.  I walk with a bit of a bounce (but not
TOO much), I have an expression of contentment on my face, and I look and feel
approachable.

24 hours, and here's the preliminary results.  I got laid twice (by the wife)
and had 3 conversations with people who've worked with me for 5 years and
haven't said a word.  This is good.  Fuck the venlafaxine, just gimme the beat
boys and free my soul.

OK, enough happiness for one blog.  Now...I need to figure out how to make
friends in RL.  It's true, my best friend in the entire world has never met
me.  All my recent soul-searching has made me realize that I should have
friends with common interests.  hmm...maybe I'll work on that later.

On this day, I decide to stop reacting to fear.  I will express myself despite
fear of ridicule.  I will love despite fear of loss.  I will trust despite the
fear of being used, abused, and hurt.  I will do this because I have decided
that life is worth living.

What's batmud to me?  Batmud is my social circle.  How sad is that?  On batmud
I have anonymous friends, people whom I can talk with where nothing is
expected.  I can be as open or closed as I my mood warrants.  Mudfriends are
distant enough that they don't expect or demand anything from me.  And that is
reciprocated, I can listen when I want, or ignore.  I expect nothing, and
demand nothing.
It's a good social circle.  I am never lonely playing batmud.  With 150 people
online when I play in the evening discussions happen that I can watch or
participate in, and if nothing holds my interest I can start one.  Sometimes
it's public, sometimes it's party channel, and sometimes it's tells.  All are
good and all cater to different moods.

My problem is also the social aspect.  Because batmud provides such open
communication I can vent/complain/share in the mud, and it's done.  It's out. 
I don't need to express anything else.  And so when I am in a (RL?) social
setting, I have no urge to speak.
I find I have less in common with those that are in my (RL) social circle than
with those I choose to speak with in batmud.  Batmudders are an odd lot, for
sure.  And we can have diverse personalities, but we also seem to have that
common thread that makes us an odd lot.
Perhaps there is something missing in my (RL) circle.  I don't know anyone
outside bat who appreciates Monty Python.  Nobody in my non-bat world
appreciates LOTR.  Nobody in my non-bat world has even heard of Dragonlance.
Is it all fluff?
Hell, I don't need it.  I will stop playing batmud in the evenings and try
reconnecting with my wife.
I've been doing that for 2 weeks, and you know how it's working?
I'm lonely.
My heart aches.
I long for companionship.
And my wife?  She watches Seventh Heaven, and Everwood, and shit-coms and game
shows.  When I talk to her she tells me how long her day was and that she
needs to vegitate in front of the TV.
And so I yearn to go back to Batmud.
It's a rotten cycle I've started.  She got into her rut because I was in a
batmud rut.
When I finally get out of my rut, and look around, all I see is desolation.
Is it enough to build on?  Is it better to tell her and possibly guilt her
into spending time with me or should I give her the space and have her
experience the lonliness I feel?

Where is the excitement and happiness we had 10 years ago?  On what level did
we connect then?  Can we get it back?  Does she even want it back?
I pushed her away.  All my years of having a social circle in batmud have
alienated her.  I need to go to her now.
I need to watch seventh heaven, and everwood, and shit coms, and game shows.
Maybe then we'll have something to discuss.  Maybe then we can connect.  Maybe
then I'll get laid.
For now, I remain scared, lonely, and horny.

Fear.  I don't fear death.  I don't fear personal injury.  I don't fear public
speaking.  I fear loss.
When it seems that loss of something or somebody important is imminent I
become a wreck.
Fear.  It distracts me, prevents me from focusing on things not directly
related to the source of the fear.
These days, I am in turmoil.  I get so scared.  But I work through it, often
alone but with support on occasion.
When the deep fear passes I can pretend to be normal again.  I am not a good
pretender.  Surely, people must know that something has changed.
Fear.  It makes me feel helpless, and alone.  Why am I so afraid?  I don't
want to lose her.  I can't imagine happiness without her.
I can't lose her, for she is not mine.
I want her, but she is out of reach.
Why?  Why do I desire her so?

It's an interesting feeling of liberation when you hit rock bottom.  When your
worst fears come to reality and you face them.  And you must.
At first, yes your world collapses.  There is the time period of self
destructiveness.  After that passes but before you pick up the pieces there is
a different sensation of invincibility.  And why not?  That which you feared
the most, that which you had built up in your head that would utterly destroy
you has happened.  And you are still breathing.  Goddam!  If you can beat that
you can beat anything.
There is elation there.  You are a physical and emotional wreck.  You want to
scream when somebody asks 'how are you?' in that polite way that says they
don't really care.
But it doesn't bother you, because you've dealt with it.  You beat it.
Get outta my way, Superman, cause I'm ready for this day and I know what's
important for me.  I'm going to go after that with a power you can't imagine.
Hell yeah.  Anything the world throws at you now is peanuts compared to what
you've been through.
And so you stand up.  Taller.  Stronger.  Fearless.

When your heart breaks, you can feel it.  It's not just an expression.  Inside
your chest, on the left side there is a squeezing sensation.  I've usually
heard it described as a dagger peircing the chest, but that isn't what I felt.
 A dagger would be removed, followed by hot blood.  What I feel is a squeeze,
followed by a twist.  I'm not romanticizing this, I know there is no emotion
in the heart, it's part of the brain.  I know the excess stress of a bad
relationship can cause stomach problems such as ulcers or a breakdown of the
digestive system.  I have the headaches, and the knots in the stomach that an
impartial observer might associate with stress.  But I don't understand this
pain in my chest.  A romantic would say it's my heart breaking.  A doctor
would say I dunno, let's look for other possibilities.  I say maybe this pain
is why love is associated with the heart.

There is a point a person can reach when his whole world collapses.  You hear
about such things, when all that's left is to pick up the pieces.
What you don't hear about, and maybe you have to live it to understand, is
after the crash and before looking at the pieces.
Initially, there is the self-destructive sensation that no matter what happens
your life can't get worse.  This sensation frees you from all responsibility
because consequenses become inconsequential.
Wrecked my car, so what?  Jail, can't be worse than this.
During this phase it is very important to do nothing (so I am told).  All your
reactions to any situation are driven by emotion and are often covered in
vengeance against that which crashed your world.
It's not easy.  You look for the stability in your life, and you realize its
in fragments somewhere in the pile of shattered glass that is your life.
You are suffocated when you try to suppress your feelings, and burst into
tears when you try to express them.
I want to pick up my pieces.
No, I don't care about the pieces.
What the fuck are the pieces?
People who know me think I am stoic, an emotional rock.  Today they look at my
red eyes, the reddened watery cheeks and suddenly they are avoiding me like
the plague.
I need to pick up the pieces, but what emotions must be encountered before
that can happen?  I don't know.

It's an odd experience, going to the coffee shop a bit early.  Really throws
me off.
I walk in and am greeted by a group of smiling faces offering to serve me. 
This is all normal and good, but the faces themselves..there is something
wrong.
Dreadfully wrong.
I try to hide my horror as I return their glances.  I smile politely and
remember to say 'please' when asking for my extra large, one cream, two sugar.
 But those smiling faces are stil wrong.
Does my discomfort show?  Have I offended my hosts by an uninteded recoil?  I
hope not.  But now my normal coffee run has turned sour.  I just want to get
my coffee and get the hell out of there.
Those faces...so strange.  I won't do this again tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I will go at my usual time, AFTER the shift change.

The book of Tarquin's Love.
Chapter 1:  You fall in love, however it happens.  It's bliss.
Chapter 2:  You get married and/or shack up.  Your space is not your own, your
personality get compromised to suit her...but the sex is better.
Chapter 3:  Kids.  Ah, the cute bundles of joy.  Now, you are too tired for
sex, and any extra income you had is no longer extra.  Financial obligations
add stress to the relationships.
Chapter 4:  Watching the kids grow up.  You guide them, you teach them, you
laugh at their folly, and you share in their pains.  They take over your life
and you hardly even notice.
Chapter 5:  The kids move out.  Suddenly, you are staring across the table,
looking at this being that you have lived with for 25 years, and you think
'Geez, who the hell are you?'.
Chapter 6:  The End.  After realizing the goal of perpetuating the family
lines, the relationship has no purpose...drift away.

Living my life in a slow hell?  Yes I am.  8 hours a day, 5 days a week.
It becomes more apparent each time I talk to people in other proffessions.  I
ask my dad why he hasn't taken early retirement, and he says 'I like my job,
I'd miss it.'  Maybe he's rare.  My wife talks about her job with enthusiasm,
and when her contract is up she is somewhat meloncholy about it.  But...that's
a temporary position.  My father in-law, likes his job fo over 20 years. 
Maybe it's a generation thing?  My brother enjoys his job.  As does my sister.
 And my brother in-law.  And my other brother in-law.
So I wonder... what do all of these people have in common with their jobs? 
Nothing.  Mechanic, Carpenter, Teacher, Salesman, Supervisor, Truck driver...a
wide variety.  But none of them use computers.  Is that the thread?
I can't ask around here at work, to show signs of dissatisfaction in my job
would put me on the boss' shitlist.  Hell, I'm on it.  It would probably get
me a gold star on that list.
So fine.  I suspect my career choice was less than stellar.  So I look around
at other jobs in the same pay range.  You know what other professions computer
programming prepares you for?  Dick all.  Nothing.  So, am I stuck here?  Yes.
 But only until my mortgage is paid off.  25 more years and I am singing 'Take
this job and Shove it'.  Hope bat lives another 25 yrs.

[20:26]:Glaurung [ghost]: accept rais/ress/body you filthy flearidden
emptybrained badsmelling stinkybreathed slicknosed bubblyskinned dimwitted
unwanted overweight anorexic monkey! you're very existance makes me want to
get a sackful of hampters and burn them over a hot flame spewing curses in
your direction! you make people sick to their stomachs just by reminding them
of your existance! The ground in which you will be buried shall weap it's
horrible fate! THE UNIVERSE DESPISES YOU!