British Letter of Complaint

What follows is an example of British humour in
a complaint letter sent sent to a British ISP. The
piece suggests two things:

1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones
who get poor service from their ISP, cable or alarm
companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain).

2) The Brits probably write the world's best
letters of complaint.

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I
signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable
modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of
service which I had not previously considered possible,
as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic
proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details, so that you can either pursue your
professional prerogative and seek to rectify these
difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you
can have some entertaining reading material as you
while away the working day smoking, and drinking
vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning,
resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on
my arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he
did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening
to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at
your helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by
playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an
activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and
highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took
place some two weeks later, although the technician
did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such
as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my
cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone
calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after
I had requested, and begun to pay for it. I estimate
your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the
hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday through
Friday, and most of the weekend..