I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I
have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line,
and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also
highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed
that a telephone line is available (and someone will
call me back); that I will be transferred to someone
who knows whether or not a telephone line is available
(and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to
someone (and then been redirected to an answering
machine informing me that your office is closed); that
I will be transferred to someone and then been
redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman, and
several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you
have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers
to ignore, and also another one of those crucially
important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I
don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to
voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at
your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I
continue.

I truly thought British Telecom was shit, and they
had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer
relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be
more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to
delivering service to their customers. That's why I
chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else
is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and
disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you
truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
rectum incompetents of the highest order.

BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant
beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly
limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now
given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive
any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease
any potential future attempts to extort payment from me
for the services which you have so pointedly and
catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity
will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief
and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
perhaps bemused rage.