Saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with \'Guess\' on it. I said, \'Thyroid
problem?\'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised
that The Lord doesn\'t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive
me.

My mum was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten
years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I\'ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can\'t get my wife to go
swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don\'t get on with
my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves \'breakfast at any time\'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day
I turned to my bullies and said - \'Sticks and stones may break my bones but
names will never hurt me\', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and
stones all the way.

My Dad used to say \'always fight fire with fire\', which is probably why he
got thrown out of the fire brigade.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said \'Are
you going to help?\' I said \'No, Six should be enough.\'

If we aren\'t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat ?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the
wrong answers.