All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
This is what Tolstoy wrote when he began his great masterpiece Anna Karenina.
But this story doesn't begin like that and there are two reasons for it.
Firstly, I'm not Leo Tolstoy and secondly, this is not Anna Karenina. This is
the Book of Job.

It all began one day when Satan arrived to meet the man upstairs, God himself.
Satan had not arrived there without a good reason. It was a well-known fact
that God was a great movie/television-aficionado and Satan, like God, was
a big fan of entertainment himself. Their relationship had cooled down over
the years, but there was a time when they had been good friends. They had
once been like Turner & Hooch, Starsky & Hutch or even like Cagney & Lacey.
Back at those times they would have never turned their backs against each
other no matter what had happened. When Satan once lured Eve to pick a
forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge, it was God who helped Satan
fight against Apple Corporation when they claimed it was trademark
infringement to call the fruit with that name. And when it was God who once
told Satan that he thought they two were like two peas in a pod, it was Satan
who told Apple Corporation to screw themselves when they claimed they had
registered a saying such as "two iPeas in an iPod" and that God's saying would
be a trademark infringement because it was too similar. But it was different
now. They were barely friends anymore, and the reason for it was something
that Satan had done. He had wronged God.

"I can't believe you told me how Breaking Bad ends when you know perfectly
well that I've been watching the Borgias lately and haven't even seen season
three of Breaking Bad yet.", God fumed when Satan arrived.

"Why do you even watch the Borgias on DVD when you weren't at all interested
when the real stuff happened during the 15th century? ", Satan rebuked.

"Well, did the 15th century version have Jeremy Irons on it?", God questioned
sarcastically.

"Well. no. But that 15th-century-guy was a real pope for Go..umm..your sake!
Wasn't he like your highest representative on Earth?", Satan replied.

Satan vented and and continued "Also, don't you still think it's a bit
harsh punishment to move me downstairs just because of this. You know very
well that there's mold and the ventilation isn't working so it gets really
hot during the day and you can only get basic cable there. It's literally
Hell down there!"

"Well, let's vote about it.", God said and continued, "Okay. Me, my son and
the Holy Ghost all think the punishment is fair. It's three against one.",

"Those three are all you. Man, you can be so petty sometimes.", said Satan.

"Be it as it may, my decision is final. When I say something, I'll stick to
it.", God said assertively.

Satan rolled his eyes and said "Yeah...right.", in tone that was less than
courteous, but one could sense a hint of meaningfulness in his tone.

The reason why Satan would mock God like this was simple. He knew it wasn't
true and in his mind Satan was remembering the old days when it all happened.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom,
it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch when you could plagiarize the
whole beginning of a book without referencing the original author if it was
likely that mentioning his name would evoke stifled laughs among immature
people who also laugh at the word 'duty'. It was the time when people would
not have heard of a certain Italian who would some day discover a new
continent later to be called America nor had they ever heard of a person
with the name of James Lipton who would some day invent tea. It all took place
in the land of Uz where all the men went to work and all the women spent their
time doing chores in the house. Those were the roles that were bestowed and
expected from people of that era. This was the weak spot that God had
overlooked.

"What about that one time when you said that women should not have job?",
Satan asked.

"What about that?", God asked confusedly.

"There was that guy called Job, and he had a wife. Technically she had Job.",
Satan argued.

"You know very well I meant job as in work. And I would have said jobs in
plural form, but that Apple Corporation was really starting to piss me off.",
God replied annoyedly.

"Be it as it may, it looks like when you say something, you don't stick to
what you say. Ergo, I'm moving upstairs.", Satan said.

"HELL NO!", God said and continued "I just forgive their sins. We move on.
You stay downstairs. Case closed."

"Case is not closed! Forgiving might work now. Sure you can just be this
mellow fellow now, but we are not talking about the New Testament. Job
lived in Old Testament. It was not the time of the mellow fellow. That Holy
Father in Heaven was all about being Holier than Thou! That guy was more like
the Mad Dad from Baghdad.", Satan argued.

"Fine. You can move back upstairs and watch the Borgias with me.", God said.

"Thanks.", said Satan delightedly, and continued, "So, what did you think
about Lucrezia's wedding?"

"Wait, what? Lucrezia gets married?", God asked in disbelief.

"That's it! DOWNSTAIRS! GO!", God boomed after hearing yet another plot twist
he had obviously not seen yet.

"Fine! You go watch the Borgias, and I'll go kill Job's wife.", Satan said.

"That's not okay!", replied God, and explained "If you kill Job's wife, Job
will just take a new wife and then another woman has Job again and you
kill that one and you continue doing that and soon there won't be any women
left. Ruin Job instead, make him poor, make him ugly, that should keep the
women away from him. But don't kill Job!"

And thus began the ordeals of a man named Job. Job was the richest man in the
East, but they probably didn't know it was the East because the compass was
not invented at the time. He had seven sons and three daughters. He owned
seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred pair of oxen,
five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants. He was a good person
who worshipped God and refused to do evil.

It was an ordinary day and Job was having a feast in the home of his oldest
son when one of the servants ran to find Job and said "While your servants
were plowing with your oxen, and your donkeys were nearby eating grass, a
gang of Sabeans attacked and stole the oxen and donkeys! Your other
servants were killed, and I was the only one who escaped to tell you."

"Bummer.", thought Job. It seemed to be a really unlucky day for Job, though
it probably wasn't the high point in the servants' lives either. If the
servants had had their share of disappointments in the past, getting killed
by the Sabeans would have probably been at least the penultimate one.

"Well, thank God that you survived at least.", Job said to the servant.

Suddenly another servant came rushing to tell Job his news.

"God sent down a fire that killed your sheep and your servants. I am the only
one who escaped to tell you.", the servant explained.

"Man, I can't catch a break.", Job thought and muttered, "And oh yeah, it's a
bad day to be a servant too."

While the second servant was still speaking, a third one ran to Job and said:

"Three gangs of Chaldeans attacked and stole your camels! All of your other
servants were killed, and I am the only one who escaped to tell you."

"Stole my camels? What do I smoke now?", Job cried.

"Not those camels. I mean the humped animals with stupid smirks on their
faces.", servant explained.

"Huh, okay then. I bet God hasn't bowled a strike during his lifetime. Every
time one is left standing.", Job joked.

The ordeals were not over. A fourth servant ran to Job bearing bad news:

"I have horrible news. A windstorm coming from the desert just blew the house
down and your children were all crushed. I am the only one who escaped to tell
you.", the servant said.

"At least this time the servants were spared.", Job said.

"Spared? Oh, I get it. Another bowling joke!", one of the servants laughed.

"But seriously.", Job said, and continued "Here is what we are going to do.
We are going to form groups of one. That way we should be invincible. We
first do that and if someone thinks of a better idea, don't come running to
me. Just shout at me from a safe distance so that I'm technically still
alone."

Satan had destroyed all of Job's possessions, but Job's wife had not left him
and therefore a woman still had Job. Satan thought that maybe it was time
to take another stab at it. Satan decided to make Job ill and ugly.

Job kept examining his body that now looked different than before. He sat on
ash-heap and was sorrowful. He complained to his wife.

"My whole body is covered with sores from head to toe. And now I have this
damn big bunyon sticking out.", Job said and scraped his sore spots.

"The sores are God alright, but you know..the bunyon was always there.", Job's
wife replied.

"I know.", Job said, "I just thought that if God one day forgives me and heals
these sores, I thought I could trick him to get rid of this bunyon as well.
But speaking of God. I don't fully understand why he decided to do this to
me."

"Why do you still trust God. Why don't you just curse his name and die?", his
wife asked.

"Don't be silly. God giveth and God taketh away.", Job said.

"Don't speak in archaic Aramaiac or whatever language it is that our people
speak. Just tell me what does that mean.", Job's wife said.

"It means that when life gives you lemons, you start a career in soft
drink industry.", Job explained.

(continued in part 2)