When Job's friends heard about his plight they all agreed they should go visit
Job and comfort him. When they found Job, he was in terrible shape and could
hardly recognize him. They sat with him seven days and seven nights and none
of them spoke a word. Job, who was in great pain, didn't speak a word either.
Finally after a week, Job opened his mouth to curse the day that he was born
and did it in a very long-winded speech without deviating much from the
traditional poetic license.

Eliphaz, one of the friends of Job, suggested that Job must have done
something to anger God, but Job claimed he was innocent. The other two,
Bildad and Zophar, agreed with Eliphaz.

"It must be something, Job. I heard one of your servants saying that you had
made some strike jokes before. It might have angered God.", Eliphaz said.

"The jokes came after God was already mad at me. That can't be it.", Job
insisted and claimed to be innocent.

"Strike jokes?", Bildad asked confusedly, and continued: "What kind of
strike jokes? Did you tell those strike jokes because your name is Job?"

"I thought it was because he is covered with scabs." said Zophar.

"I think it's the name Job.", Bildad insisted.

"Scabs.", said Zophar.

"Job.", replied Bildad.

"Scabs.", said Zophar once again.

"Job", "Scabs", "Job", "Scabs", "Job", "Scabs", the quarrel continued
and it sounded a lot like the first labor union meeting in history although
neither of them had any specific demands.

"Stop it both of you! The jokes were about bowling!", Job yelled.

"This is going nowhere.", Eliphaz said and continued: "Job already gave a long
speech and now it is my turn to give a speech to argue my own point of view
and you others will get a chance after I'm finished. We will talk in cycles
so that everyone gets a turn and once everyone has spoken, we will take
another turn. Job will of course give us a new speech followed by me, then
after that Bildad gets to talk, after Bildad it's Zophar's turn and then
it's Job again, me, Bildad, Zophar, Job, me, Bildad, Zophar and then
Elihu can talk after that. Wait, when did Elihu get here?"

"About in the middle of your story, which I think was about a half an hour
ago.", Elihu yawned.

"Anyway, what I was saying..", Eliphaz said but was interrupted.

"Shut up already.", Job said.

"What if we skip the long speeches and just make a haiku to tell our point?",
Elihu suggested.

"Fine by me. Haiku had a 4-4-2 syllable structure, right?", Job asked.

"No. That's a football formation with two strikers and..damnit. I walked right
into it didn't I? But enough with the strike jokes already! But 5-7-5 is
a haiku, right?", Elihu replied.

"I think so." Bildad replied to Elihu and continued: "And I'm okay with that
as well."

"Same here.", said Zophar.

"Well....fine. But if we someone ever writes a book about this stuff, I'll
tell the author to replace the haikus with some thoughtful ideas so
that it actually looks like we have something profound to say.", said Eliphaz
reluctantly.

"Well, here's my haiku.", said Eliphaz, strutted his chest and prepared to
chant what he had concocted:

"Job is a sinner
who has angered our great god
He needs to atone"

Bildad nodded.

"I concur with him
but got nothing else to say
so I say Ditto", said Bildad.

"I have to agree
because of my dark secret:
I'm stock character", Zophar said repeating what the other two, Eliphaz and
Bildad had, in unison, already mentioned a moment before.

Job was annoyed. All his friends seemed to think that he had done something
to merit the wrath of God. He still insisted that he had not done anything
and was desperate for having an explanation. Yet he had not accused God, but
he argued the punishment was not justified. Explaining it all in a haiku was
more difficult than giving a speech, but he knew that if he were to give a
speech, Eliphaz would insist on giving one too. That was the last thing that
Job wanted since Eliphaz was dry and long-winded, so he tried to make the
best out of a difficult situation.

"I am innocent
This punishment is unfair
so screw you assheads", Job replied to his friends.

Elihu pondered and questioned the statement that Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar
had made. Perhaps God didn't just reward good and punish for evil like they
had explained. Perhaps God could work in mysterious ways and might have
reasons that could not have been explained by a man and maybe his motifs
were not to be questioned.

"God rewards good deeds
but punishes for evil
Perhaps it ain't so.", Elihu said.

Meanwhile the Dead Poets Society (they weren't dead then, but this happened
over 2000 years ago so they are now!) were expressing their opinions, Satan
had once again approached God who was upstairs watching the Borgias.

"The guys are talking about you!", Satan exclaimed gleefully.

"What guys?", God asked.

"Job and his posse of extraordinary league of gentlemen.", Satan replied and
continued: "And to be quite honest, your Beliebers seem to question your
ability to run this whole jamboree."

"I'll show them! And don't refer to my followers as Beliebers. You always do
stuff like this. It isn't funny! And it certainly wasn't funny when you
made that one guy say their band was more popular than Jesus. That guy got
shot to death!", God said angrily and walked downstairs.

Suddenly stormy clouds were appearing above Job and his friends.

"Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge?", a loud
booming voice uttered.

Job and his friends looked at each other and after they all had the same
strange expression on their faces, they looked at their surroundings as
if they were searching for more people; for anyone who could have uttered
the words.

"Up here!", the voice boomed again.

The friends turned their heads to look at the sky, but apart from distant
eagles there was nothing there. They once again looked around and shook
their heads in disbelief.

"Next time I'll use some noticeable symbol, like a burning bush or
something.", God thought but didn't say it out loud.

"It is me! God!", the voice from above boomed.

This time to friends looked a bit shaken up.

"What do you want, God?", Job asked.

"I will be asking the questions!", God boomed and added: "I will be asking
nearly all the possible questions there is!"

"Why do you talk so much when you know so little?", God began.

"Can you answer the questions I ask? How did I lay the foundation for
the earth? Were you there? Doubtless you know who decided its length
and width. What supports the foundation? Who placed the cornerstone,
while morning stars sang, and angels rejoiced?", God continued and
it seemed like there was no end in sight. A question followed another,
and another one and another one.

"I wonder if Eliphaz is related to this guy.", Bildad whispered to Job.

"Did you ever tell the sun to rise? And did it obey? Did it take hold of
the earth and shake out the wicked like dust from a rug? Can you arrange
stars in groups such as Orion and the Pleiades? Do you control the stars
or set in place the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper? Do you know the laws
that govern the heavens, and can you make them rule the earth? Can you
order the clouds to send a downpour, or will lightning flash at your
command?"

"Do we dare to ask him to put his thoughts into a haiku?", whispered
Zophar to Job.

The friends were getting tired, but God was just asking his questions:

"Was Kingdom of the Crystal Skull really necessary? Why did Ayrton Senna
crash in Imola? Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Why is Clint Eastwood
an anagram for 'Old west action'? Did Heroes jump the shark after first
season? Does Horton hear a Who?", God questioned.

Even Eliphaz looked bored. Finally it looked like the questions were
coming to an end as God boomed: "I am the Captain Planet, but you
have argued that I am wrong. Now you must answer me."

Having heard over sixty questions, Job didn't have a proper answer to any of
them. When he attempted to say something, he was interrupted by God.

"I created both you and the behemoth. It eats only grass like an ox, but
look at the mighty muscles in its body and legs. Its tail is like a cedar
tree, and its thighs are thick. The bones in its legs are like bronze
or iron.", God boomed.

"What is this? Some new story?", Elihu whispered to Job.

"I don't know.", Job whispered back in disbelief.

But God continued. The story of the massive behemoth was not enough as God
thought this was a perfect opportunity to tell of the Leviathan he had
once captured. No selfrespecting God would pass an opportunity to tell
fish tales to an audience.

"Can you catch a Leviathan by using a fishhook? Can you tie its mouth shut
with a rope? Can it be led around by a ring in its nose or a hook in its
jaw?", God boomed.

"Stop it! Stop it! You are even more boring than I am.", Eliphaz dared to
interrupt God.

"I'm not talking to you.", God answered angrily.

"I'm talking to Job.", God said, calming down a bit.

"Where was I at?", God asked.

"Oh right..when this monster sneezes, lightning flashes, and its eyes glow
like the dawn. Sparks and fiery flames explode from its mouth. And smoke
spews from its nose like steam from a boiling pot, while its blazing breath
scorches everything in sight. Its neck is so tremendous that everyone
trembles, the weakest parts of its body are harder than iron, and its heart
is stone. When this..",

"I get it! I get it!", Job yelled and continued:

"No one can oppose you, because you have the power to do what you want.
I don't have answers to your questions and I don't understand your stories
at all. Just don't make us all listen to all this. If you want to punish us,
there must be another way.", Job said.

Job was shaken up and terrified but he just couldn't take it anymore.

"Good idea. I got a little carried away anyway. I don't want to punish you
Job, because you didn't really do anything. But you others must take heed!
This wasn't Job's fault and it was wrong of you to accuse him of being
sinful. I want you to please me by each sacrificing seven bulls and
seven goats.", God said.

Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar agreed. It didn't sound like a bad bargain, because
after all they felt a bit guilty. And considering that Job had been innocent
and he had lost all his seven sons and three daughters really put it into
perspective.

But God did not forget Job. He made Job twice as rich as he had been and gave
him fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand pair of oxen, and
a thousand donkeys. Job lived another one hundred forty years, during which
he had another seven sons, three daughters and saw his great-grandchildren
grow up. He lived a long and happy life, even if he had lost half of all the
children he ever had.

People will never forget the servants of Job, seven sons and three daughters
of Job, seven thousand sheep, twenty one bulls and twenty one goats that were
killed in vain or those stolen three thousand camels, five hundred pair of
oxen and five hundred donkeys whose final fate remains mystery even to
this day. Needless to say, Quentin Tarantino would be proud.