You want a boat that gets the job done? You want a ship that is hassle free?
You want a vessel that literally no one will ever compliment you on? Well look
no further.

The C5 Galleon Squid

Let's talk about features.
Bluetooth: nope
Sunroof: nope
Fancy seats: nope
Rear view camera: nope

Let me tell you a story. One day my Squid started making a strange sound. I
didn't give a shit and ignored it. It went away. The End.

You could take the engine out of this ship, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge,
fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the cargo hold of
the boat, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would
fucking start right up.

This boat will outlive you, it will outlive your children.

Things this boat is old enough to do:
Vote: yes
Consent to sex: yes
Rent a boat: it IS a boat

This boat's got history. It's seen some shit. People have done straight things
in this boat. People have done gay things in this boat. It's not going to judge
you like a fucking sailboat would.

You wanna know more? Great, I had my boat fill out a Facebook survey.
Favorite food: spaghetti
Favorite tv show: Alf
Favorite band: tie between Bush and the Gin Blossoms

Let's face the facts, this boat isn't going to win any beauty contests, but
neither are you. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to your wife. This isn't
the boat you want, it's the car you deserve: The fucking C5 Galleon Squid.

Wanna know more? You know what to do.