Level: 150 [Wizard] Age: 1y, 54d, 1h, 46min and 4s


At least once per day, without fail, my computer, like every computer I have
ever owned, has some kind of emotional breakdown. It simply stops working --
often when I'm not touching it -- and it puts a message on the screen
informing me that an error has occurred. It does not say what the error is,
nor where it occurred. For all I know, it occurred in New Zealand, and my
computer found out about it via the Internet, and became so upset that it
could not go on.

When this happens, I have to turn my computer off and start it up again. When
I do, my computer puts a snippy note on the screen informing me that it is
scanning its disks for errors, because it was shut down improperly.

''But I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!'' I shout, but my computer ignores me, because it
is busy scanning its disks. You just know that if it finds any errors, it's
going to blame me, even though I don't even know where its disks ARE.

While my computer is busy, I scan my wart. I have a wart on my right leg. It
has been there for many years. I call it Buddy. I keep an eye on Buddy, in
case his appearance changes. I've read that it's a bad thing, medically, when
a wart suddenly changes appearance. If I ever look down and see that Buddy has
turned green, or he's wearing a little pair of Groucho glasses, I'll know it's
time to take some kind of medical action. Such as quit drinking.

But my point is that because of computer weirdness, I regularly see an entire
morning's work -- sometimes as many as 18 words -- get blipped away forever to
the Planet of Lost Data. Needless to say, I use Microsoft Windows. I've been a
loyal Windows man since the first version, which required you to write on the
screen with crayons. Every year or so, Microsoft comes out with a new version,
which Microsoft always swears is better and more reliable, and I always buy
it. I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows
98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back,
Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let's All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of
Vermont.

My computers keep having seizures, but I keep buying Windows versions, hoping
I'll get lucky. I'm like the loser in the nightclub who keeps hitting on the
hot babe. His shoes are squishing from the pina colada she poured on him, but
he's thinking: ''She's warming up to me!''

(Continued)