Today is the worst day of all since the start of it all. Our field popcorn
machine and the field McDonald\'s kitchen are lost somewhere. And the advance
of our tanks got stopped short, because right at the outskirts of Baghdad they
hit a red light. Turns out these barbarians haven\'t learned to fix their
traffic lights yet. So our tanks had to wait at the crossing all evening. The
sergeant says that if there\'d be no Iraqis, we\'d have won the war in no time
at all.

We\'re all depressed \'cause the tv-public back home are disappointed in our
war. They say the last war was much more interesting, there were more
casualties. Thank God it\'s Easter. Mr. President promised special Easter
bombings for the Iraqis, and he also said that because of the feast they\'ll
be attaching humanitarian aid to those bombs. The bombs themselves will be
decorated with crosses and painted yellow. They\'ll probably also make a
re-enactment of Via Crucis, with tanks, around Baghdad.

The journalists are begging us to cover the city with napalm when we enter it.
They say they need more light for filming. Except we\'re not allowed to bomb
the north of Baghdad, they\'re going to be filming a thriller there. It\'ll be
about the capture of Saddam Hussein and will be called \'Sex with Hussein in
the Big City\'. At first there were several candidates for the role of the
dictator: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts and Macaulay
Culkin. But when he heard of the money they were paying for it, Saddam Hussein
decided to play the part himself.

I was so distressed that the war will soon be over and I didn\'t get to be
filmed for TV, that I started to wave my hands every time a camera turned my
way. Finally the Iraqi information minister noticed me and filmed me for a
short news report \'How Americans heroically surrender in Baghdad\'. Hooray,
now I\'m a star!