Daniel M'Mburugu is probably the hardest motherfucker to ever step foot in the
rural farmlands of Kenya. On June 22nd, this 73 year-old grandfather was out
in his farmland minding his own business when all of a sudden this gigantor
leopard jumped out from some tall grass and mauled the fuck out of him. The
beast let out an earth-shaking howl and pinned M'Mburugu to the ground,
scratching the shit out of his chest with its back claws and trying to bite
his face off with its gleaming fangs. M'Mburugu tried to free up his panga
(Swahili for "big ass machete") so that he could take a good swipe at the
creature that was slowly killing him, but then all of a sudden JESUS CHRIST
sent a messenger pigeon down to him with a note that read:

Dear Daniel,

Fuck the machete. Just rip this motherfucker's tongue out.

Love,
God

So Daniel M'Mburugu dropped his machete and shoved his hand into the leopards
mouth. The leopard chomped down on his hand, be he totally didn't even give a
fuck. He just pulled the fucking leopard's tongue out of its head, causing it
to die and get totally pwned by a 73 year-old dude. After he was done
wrecking the leopard's shit, he told his neighbor to go get him some salt just
so that he could rub it into his wounds, pound his chest like Tarzan and prove
to everyone that he was the baddest motherfucker in town. Awesome.

http://www.badassoftheweek.com/mmburugu.html

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If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.