(continued from previous post)

Another day passes with locusts and hailstorms. After that there's three
days of darkness. The plagues that God has struck against the Egyptians
haven't been enough to convince the pharaoh's mind until a day comes when
God ups the ante. The first born sons of Egypt begin to die and the pharaoh
summons Moses and Aaron to his palace.

"Now you're talking!", said the pharaoh, "This is good enough reason for me
to let them go. It's brilliant! My idiot son died already. It's hilarious.
But I suppose some guys are really pissed off that they lost their sons
so I'd mosey really quickly through the back door."

So Moses and Aaron went and freed the Israeli people and led them by the sea.
When they got there, they saw an angry mob chasing them, just as pharaoh had
predicted.

Moses watched the sea and said to Aaron "Wonder what jackbauer would do now."

"They're coming. It's not looking too good.", Aaron said.

"Then we'll fight!", Moses yelled and swung his staff shouting at the
nearing angry mob "You'll get my staff when you take it from my cold,
dead hands!"

"Now there's a catchphrase", Aaron said and watched in awe as the sea
suddenly split in two dnd Moses led the Israeli people to the bottom
of the sea. God held the water masses while they ran through the ocean. When
the angry mob arrived, God let the waters flow and the mob was washed away.

Moses led the Israelis to the desert and was once again summoned to the same
mountain where he had previously talked to God, who had chosen to appear
in form of a bush. The same bush was still burning as Moses approached it.

"Moses", the bush began.

"You've done alright. But since I freed your people, I suppose you guys sort
of owe me. There are no free lunches you know. That's why I've decided to
give you and your people ten commandments, a set of rules you might say. I
want you to obey them.", bush stated in solemn voice.

"That's reasonable, I guess", said Moses.

"And you will have to stay on this mountain Moses. I will give you one new
commandment every month.", said the bush.

"What? Why can't you give them all now. Aaron is making porridge from
manna down by the mountain. The people are expecting me.", Moses pleaded.

"I've made my decision", said the bush.

"I see. You make the world in six days and rest the seventh. Now you want me
to just sit here and wait for you to give me commandments.", Moses asked
and he was seemingly fuming.

"Alright, it might be a little harsh", the bush said. "I'll give you one
commandment each week."

"One per day", Moses requested.

"One every sixth", the bush argued.

"One every second day", Moses haggled.

"One every fifth.", the bush made its next bid.

"What if just walk down this mountain and don't tell them any rules?", Moses
asked.

"One every fourth day?", the bush asked.

"You've got yourself a deal!", Moses replied and asked "Would it be possible
if the commandments were from movies? We still don't know what a movie
is, or what a jackbauer is. At least this way we could learn from the movies
even if we didn't have them or know what they are."

"I don't see a reason why not", the bush said.

Thus Moses spent 40 days and 40 nights at the mountain waiting for God to
give Moses his commandments. Most of the commandments were just wild puns
and catchphrases from the movies. So Moses took the tablets in which
the commandments were engraved and descended from the mountain. He thought
he would surely owe an explanation why he had stayed so long at the mountain.
The people might have been worried something might have happened to him
during the time he spent on the mountain. When he got down, the people
cheered at him and his brother Aaron welcomed him with open arms.

"Guess what, brother?", Aaron said.

"What?", Moses asked.

"While you were gone, we built this awesome golden calf.", Aaron said and
displayed the precious idol.

"Son of a bitch!", Moses yelled in anger, broke his tablets and continued
to thunder to the people "Do you have any idea what you have done?"

The people looked at each other, shook their heads in confusion and waited
for Moses to tell them what they had done to wrong him.

"You've constructed this false idol which is bad itself, but do you idiots
have any idea what this kind of chunky gold statue is going to do to
gold's market value? I'll tell you what it's going to do! The gold price
is going to plummet! Now you go and melt this damn abomination and I'll
tell how the market works. And you memorize this and teach it to your
children so that if someone asks any of our people after three thousands
years anything about accounting, they sure as hell know the basics at
least!", Moses bellowed.

"I had no idea", said Aaron and tilted his head down "I'm so, so sorry."

"It's okay, brother", Moses said, "I'll just go ask God for new commandments."

So Moses climbed up the mountain and went to talk to God once more.

"I accidentally broke the tablets, but I was really angry", Moses said.

"How rude!", the bush said, making an attempt to quote Stephanie Tanner from
Full House, but the reference of course eluded Moses.

"Those people of yours really got you mad enough to broke my commandments?",
the bush asked.

"Yeah.", Moses replied.

"I should wipe them off the face of the Earth, for making you who are their
hero, so angry that it would make you break my tablets.", the bush said.

"They're not so bad, I think. At least my brother's cool", Moses defended.

"Alright", said the bush, "I'll restrain myself. But I'm not doing this for
them. I'm doing this for you, Kiefer!"

"But I need to punish you guys somehow. These commandments won't be from the
movies.", the bush stated in more serious voice.

"So, same deal? One in every fourth day?", the bush asked while Moses mumbled
something that wouldn't be suited for children.

After 40 days and 40 nights and Moses had gotten all the new commandments.
They were not from the movies, but somehow they seemed to have more wisdom and
they were more easily approachable. There were some more lighthearted
commandments, like the one where you shouldn't say the God's name in vain.
Moses thought it was little bit silly, after all he hadn't yet learned God's
name because God had wanted to keep it a mystery.

God also warned Moses that Moses himself would not be permitted to lead the
Israelites across the Jordan river. Moses himself was going to die once they
would reach its eastern shores. He would see the Promised Land, but would
not be allowed to go there himself.

Moses descended from the mountain with the new tablets and his brother Aaron
noticed that he was quiet and taciturn.

"What's troubling you, dear brother", Aaron asked.

"I got the new commandments", Moses said letting out a deep sigh,

"but God told me I was not going to be able to go to the Promised Land. I
would die once we get there."

"But, Canaan is only few weeks from here.", Aaron said.

"I know", Moses said, "But we're not going to Canaan."

"We're not?", Aaron asked and looked genuinely surprised.

"I'm not going to die in three weeks.", Moses said.

"We're gonna wander through that desert north and south making circles
and we'll go to Canaan when I decide so.", Moses boomed.

Before his death Moses and his people spent 40 years wandering in the desert
before they arrived to Canaan where Moses finally died after seeing the
promised land.

"Like me, my brother was a Levite", Aaron said, and continued, "but with
tricks like his, he sure could have been a Midianite!"