A Panda walks into a bar, sits down at a table and orders a beer and a double
cheeseburger. After he is finished eating, he pulls out a gun and rips the
place with gunfire. Patrons scatter and dive under chairs and tables as the
bear runs out the door.

After ensuring that no one is hurt, the bartender races out the door, and
calls after the bear: "What the hell did you do that for?"

The bear calls back, "I'm a Panda. Look it up in the dictionary."

The bartender returns, pulls out his dictionary.

panda: \Pan"da\, n. (Zo["o]l.)
A small Asiatic mammal (Ailurus fulgens) having fine soft fur. It is
related to the bears, and inhabits the mountains of Northern India.
Eats shoots and leaves.

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A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a
flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures,
and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures--the whole
thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying
to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat,
measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers
and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.
"Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for the height and he
gives us the length."

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An Asian man goes into a New York CityBank to exchange 10,000 yen for
American Currency. The teller gives him $72.00. The next month the Asian
man goes into the same bank with 10,000 yen and receives $62.00. He asks,
"How come? Only $62.00?" The teller says "Fluctuations, fluctuations!"

Whereupon the Asian man looks back at the teller and says
"Fluk you Amelicans too!"

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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,
"...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw
and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
an said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know...he said, 'Holy Shit!
A talking pig!'"

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Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to
the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that
Minnie is mentally insane..."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's
fucking Goofy!"

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"May I take your order?" the waiter asks.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special, sir," he replies. "We just tell them straight out that
they're going to die."

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(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

( On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(E) Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that
kills you.

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When most people claim to be "killing time", it's only an expression. When
Chuck Norris kills time, the minutes actually cease to exist.

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Why are there so many Jones's in the phone book?

Because they all have phones.

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What's the difference between a used tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a Goodyear, the other's a great year.

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A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him
something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What the heck did you do that for?!" the man screams.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT...but my wife out in the car still does!"