For some of these, you'll have to be a little older to really appreciate
the joke, or at least have fiddled with older systems in the past. Enjoy.

--Hair

Subject: [HB] System administrator fees

Standard Prices:

* Calling me with a question --- $10
* Calling me with a stupid question -- $20
* Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate -- $30
* Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate
problem description -- $1000+punitive damages
* Questions received via phone without first trying help desk -- $10
* Questions where answer is in TFM -- $10.00 (this should have been
higher)
* Questions during Xpilot session -- $20.00
* Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once -- $100
* Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my
end somehow -- $200
* Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem -- $5/step
* Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem -- $50/mile+gas
* If you interrupt me while I was reading news -- $25/hr
* If you interrupt me while I was trying to count all the xroaches on my
screen -- $35/hr
* If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's
problem -- $45/hr
* If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now -- $50/hr
* If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it -- $60/hr
* If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm currently
working on -- $70/hr
* If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday -- $75/hr
* If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but
never did fix -- $85/hr
* If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work -
$95/hr
* If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could
have done it for you -- $150/hr
* Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving
immediately after hanging up the phone -- $1500.00
* Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and
which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look
at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. -- $1700.00
* Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's
your personal machine at home -- $500.00
* Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do -- $150.00
* Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not
to do -- $300.00
* Not telling all of your co-workers about it -- $850.00
* Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive -- $50.00
* BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive -- $250.00
* Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad -- $25.00
* Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees
-- $35.00
* Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers -- $50.00
* Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge -- $35.00
* Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button -- $250.00
* Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on --
$200.00
* Fixing the "hung" system by plugging the ethernet transceiver back in --
$375.00
* Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone
accidentally yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has
just left for a two week vacation -- $400
* Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the
monitor lead back in -- $50
* Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have
an account there -- $10
* Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to
have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above
server -- $500
* Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger --
$25
* Changing memory partitions without informing me first -- $50
* Installing programs without informing me/getting permission first -
$100/program
* Technical support for the above programs -- $150 per hour (regardless of
whether I know the program or not)
* Spilling coke on keyboard -- $25 plus cost of keyboard
* Spilling coke on monitor -- $50 plus cost of monitor
* Spilling coke on CPU -- $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly
rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system
* Leaving files on desktop -- $5 per file, $10 per day the file is
left unclaimed
* Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve -- $50 plus cost of sleeve
plus cost of therapy
* Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to
fix a brand new machine -- $200
* Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus -- $25
* Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC
streets -- $50
* Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and
another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say,
"So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling
me to do!" -- $40
* Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if
you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other
things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag
furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Never mind." -- $35
(including discount for polite apology)
* Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software -- $25
* Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated
software]? Mine just died." requests -- $40
* Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about
that; why don't you try calling the number on the box in which you
bought it?" line -- $55
* Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get
the hint in the previous response -- $95 (includes instructions for
getting freeware replacements from the public file server)
* Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger
than 18 points -- $15
* If I wrote the sign -- $45
* If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing
* Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in
Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem -- $25.00
* Reporting it more than once -- $50.00
* Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on tech support's
inability to solve problem -- $200.00

Special Rates:

* Dealing with user body odour -- $75.00/hour
* Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at site
-- $50.00/hour
* Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but
still calls every other day for help -- $100.00/hour
* Dealing with computer hobbiests -- $125.00/hour
* Questioning the other prices -- $50