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Library: Godzirra

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Author: Kortez
Date:Jun 26 1998

Here it comes, I finally went and saw this so I could be just like so
manyothers. Actually I went because I got tickets for free because someoneelse
didn't want to go alone so she paid for mine. (How's that for cool...I love
this equal gender stuff) Little did I know that I've been calling the movie
Gawzirra for a long timenow, and that's exactly what the freaked out japanese
boat guy said. "Gawzirra...gawzira....gawdzilla", though it's actually spelled
Gojira I think, thejapanese name for our green rubber suited friend. Now, for
those of you HAVENT seen it, and THINK there is a plot to spoil,let me say
you're wrong. But in any case...to be nice...if you've not seenthis movie, I
suggest you save this and read it AFTER. It will make more sense AND might
even make you laugh once and a while.OKAY so here it goes...the "rant" on
Godzilla. 

Our quaint little film starts with some stock footage of nuclear tests
onislands. Supposedly these are French Polynesian islands that are blowing
up,but being a former history buff, they are in fact film from the Bikini
IslandH-bomb US tests. Of course, Bikini Island is no more, they actually
blewup the island...it's now Bikini Atoll. Anyways, it was big. Of course,
theseeggs survive. Ooookay...I'll dismiss this because it's fairly close to
theoriginal movies...but at least the Japanese never tried to claim an egg
survived a nuclear blast within the thermal radius. (the egg looks
cooked)Next, in true godzilla form, godzilla shows up and eats a Japanese
filledfishing boat. At this point I was fooled that I might enjoy this movie.
Iwatched all the old movies as a kid...and in EVERY movie this has
happened.Godzilla seems to love to wreck on little scared japanese guys. Not
sure why,but at least it shows that the writers actually watched at least one
of the old ones. 

Now, we jaunt off to Russia, where our hero (matthew broderick) (sp?) is
collecting oversized worms. A bunch of russians show up and Matt blunders
toform even the simplest of sentences. What? This guy has been doing
researchfor what he claims next to be like 4+ years and he hasn't picked up
Russian?Foreign exchange students usually pick it up in less than a
year...because...well you need to talk to people to live somewhere. An
unfortunate fact,but the situation is quickly remedied as they jaunt off to an
island to stare at Godzilla tracks. I actually have no problems with the
island scene...other than the factthat it is piss poorly acted. I think the
key moment here is when the femaleleader lady tries to hit on Matthew by
saying, "You're the wrong man forthe job, but you're cute."  Matt turns and
says, "She thinks I'm cute" with a little smirk. At this point someone in the
theatre went "I'm CUUUDEI'm CUUUDE," a well placed reference to the old
Rudolph Christmas special.
Godzilla sinks some more boats...and then attacks the fisherman. Now we allsaw
this preview...is this guy an idiot or what...he takes like 10 seconds
todecide to run as this wave 4x the size of him approaches. REGARDLESS of what
is causing the wave...you RUN from a wave like that...and when somethingstarts
tear assing up the dock you're on...you DONT look BACK! Well no, I should say
normal people don't but this guy does.SO, they evac the city...the mayor is of
course pissed. And here is where themovie introduces all the cliche
characters. FIRST, we have the obnoxious,short, lead reporter with the Golden
voice. He wants to sleep with hisassistant, who is of course the nice country
girl stereotype. Of course,country people can't cut it in New York because
they are too nice and notkiller enough. Let me state for the record, that I
BOO'ed loudly when theythrew up threw up the logo "The City that Never
Sleeps"...it's New YorkCity you assholes, get over yourselves. They don't
introduce Chicago as the "Windy City", nor Cleveland by the "Rock Capitol" or
even "The mistake bythe lake". Every city has a nickname...but none of them
seem to throw itin your face like NYC. 
Hmmm, who else...well we have a crazy cameraman who does incredibly stupid
shit to get film. His dominant girlfriend who threatens to kick his ass
butnever does. We have a french secret service guy who insults american
cultureat every turn and who can forget the clueless American army leader
guy.The only original character in this film is the over nervous and
generallywussy little army field commander. He's totally out of place, and
franklydoesn't exist in our military. Those kind of guys don't make it past
bootcamp. So here's the situation. Godzilla comes into NY tears up some stuff
whilesight seeing, and then disappears. The army decides to lure him out and
thenwhen they DO, Matthew Broderick has a VERY JP2 moment with
godzilla...standingface to face. Then...they go buck nuts trying to kill
godzilla...with heatseeking missiles...in the rain...on a cold day...AT A
LIZARD. What the fuckis going on here. Did someone forget to mention to
clueless fuck army boythat lizards are COLD BLOODED! Why the hell would a heat
seeking missilework? SO of course the missiles miss and down go a few
buildings. 
NEXT UP: 3 moronic helicopters pilots. Alright...there is a monster
runningaround NYC. He's fast. He's agile. You're in a helicopter. Do you...A>
chasehim at an equal height and have to deal with the buildings and shit
fallingoff them due to your friend, or B> Fly 60 feet above the buildings and
shootdown on your friend (gawzirra!) with the weapons on an Apache Gunship
designedto do so. Of course, the answer is B, but these idiots follow him at
his level. Surprise Surprise ...godzilla turns around and wrecks two
copters.Now copter 3 is running from this monster. New choices: Do you A> fly
aroundthe city trying to dodge buildings with this huge monster chasing, or B>
flyUP and out of his reach in a few seconds. Not this idiot...he loses sight
ofthe monster...and then in a really cool CGI shot, godzilla eats the
bottompart of the helicopter and the blade flies off. Neat-o.Oh yeah, and this
whole time the French secret service is drinking coffeein a van watching feeds
they've tapped on the US government. Complainingabout bad coffee and no
croissants. "Yesss...I get it...I have bad teeth"or in this case, "Yes...I get
it...American food is crappy, now can weget on with the movie"
Okay...so...Matthew Broderick collects some blood from the ground and the
first thing he does is go buy a pregancy tester. Anyone else find this to be
strange? Here is a new creature...never before seen...tearing upthe city and
the first thing that occurs to you to check...is if it's pregnant? When you
claim this is the only one? I understand eventuallyrunning this test, but the
first thing you'd look for is a way to kill it.Like...could we poison the
fish...or something like that. But, it turnsout that gozilla the he...is
really godzilla the it. And a pregnant it.Godzilla came to New York city
because, "Like no other island in the world,it's a place he can hide"...so he
could have kids. Um...excuse me. Did heknow by his spider sense that this was
where he should go because he couldhide? How does a monster from French
Polynesia decide to come New York becausehe knows he could hide there? Does he
know what a building is? I still can'tfigure this out.Second, why did he come
to New York?  The characters said that{Godzilla was searching for an island,
and since it was pregnant, it waslikely looking for a suitable place to lay
it's eggs.} therefore it wasprobably looking for the right temperature, food
supply (fertile waters), and adequate shelter.  So it looks like Emmerich and
Devlin were thinking,right? WRONG!  Let's see . . . a burrowing lizard can
burrow anywhere (e.g.hide anywhere).  It headed to one of the most polluted
areas of theworld, and it laid it's eggs above ground.  Okay it was cute that
itmade a nest in the Garden, so I'll give them that for poetic license.But
fucking-shit man, let Broderick try to figure out why it's there andgive the
movie some suspence.
Now...bitch assistant nice girl under the advice of an asshole new
yorkersteals a tape...and puts it on the air to try and get herself a
reporterposition. It fails...the short guy steals the report...and now
she'sfucked over Matthew Broderick again. All because of some advice from
a"rough and tough" resident of "the city that never sleeps"...bite me.Why is
this lifestyle so often raved about? Being an asshole is...cool?Alright, so
after the tape is released...Matt gets cut off...and I haveto scream a
resounding WHY...the tape is already out...and who gives a shit,it didn't have
anything in it anyways. Other than the guy repeatinggawzirra gawzirra. That's
top secret info? GAWZIRRA!French man wisely picks up Matt, and they go off
looking for the nest. Meanwhilethe US army tries to trick Godzilla into coming
into Central Park. Alright, another New Yorker obsession. Central Park. Boys
and girls...I suggest theresidents of NYC go visit Gatlinburg tennessee. I
suggest they drive. I suggest they look out the window. Guess what...the whole
fucking state islike Central park. It ain't that big, it ain't that
great...it's a smallarea of nature in a concrete mass. It's cool that it's
there, but does ithave to be in every movie about NYC? 
Now...we have some more idiots trying to fire missiles...they miss...we
alsohave 60 helicopters flying between buildings again. Whee. Godzilla
spendthis whole time running...and jumps into the water. Ahhh...but
wait...theyhave subs in there. BUT apparently godzilla saw The Hunt for Red
October, as he leads the torpedos to the subs and they kill one of their own.
Then,after this brilliant display of agility and intelligence...he slams
intothe bank. Our assumption is that he is trying to burrow. Um...excuse
me...30 seconds ago this thing is dodging torpedos with ease...and now
he'sfrantically trying to dig as two more barrel down on him? Ex-squeeze
me?They were dumb enough to fire again...so do the same thing again. But
no...BOOM...falls to ocean floor. Also...something that was in every other
godzilla film...and again I was pleased to see it...godzilla lies on thewater
bottom and pretends to be dead while he heals.Now, Matt and the French team +
the camera man and the country bitch arelooking for the nest. They find it in
Madison Square Garden...there are aton eggs. Of course, they are short on
explosives...and worse yet theeggs hatch. Now..here come the velociraptors.
Hundreds of them...theyrun, jump, move, and even behave like our JP friends,
apparently...thespecial effects artists liked the things...so they carbon
copied them.<sigh> Hell...I might add that Godzilla himself is a cross between
theRaptor and the T-rex from JP...with a nasty head thrown on top. Theycould
have done better methinks. 
Getting to the end here. So...the group inside calls in a bombing attack,and a
pair of f-18's show up. Meanwhile, our inside team tries to escapethe garden
as the places barrel in. ooo oo stress? Hardly. I wanted everyonethere but
Broderick to die. No such luck. The french guy, the bitch, Matt,and the
cameraman escape. I might add...my favorite scene was right here.While looking
for a way out (before they call for the attack) Matt is inan elevator and the
doors open on a floor where a bunch of little raptors,oh wait I mean babies,
are eating popcorn. Matt says, "Heh, wrong floor"and the raptors (fuck I mean
babies) look confused. That to me was thebest scene in the film...I actually
laughed...aloud.They get out the front door in a ballsy charge...dropping
light fixturesto scare the little ra---...okay you get the point. HERE COME
THE PLANES!Sccccchhhhooooom. And they fire...HARPOONS?!?!?!? WHAT THE
FUCK?!?!?!?HARPOONS? Alright...it doesn't take a genius to figure this out.
With a name like HARPOON, what do YOU think the missile is for?
...mmm...yeahthat's RIGHT. For sinking SHIPS! Hence the name HARPOON! YOU
know, stickit in the ship, and it's vanquished...like a harpooned whale? 
What the movie people WANTED was a Maverick, a short stout radar orinfra-red,
depending on what you set it to, guided anti ground missile.But the Harpoons
surprisingly lock onto a ground target (boggle) andblow it up. Dead (and
surprisingly in one piece) babies are everywhere.OH NO...IT'S GAWZIRRA! He's
BACK!!! And now he wants to eat people!Commence the car chase...a complete
crock of shit as this monster outran Apache helicopters...no way a yellow cab
can outrun him. Gawzirra trapsthem in a tunnel...and they use the brights to
get out...clever. Bullshit...but clever. Godzirra gets them in his mouth...and
Matt finds anelectric cable there and shocks the monster. Where is the cable
attached?Where is the power coming from? If they are in the mouth, and they
shockgodzilla, why are they not shocked? Luckily...he spits them out, and
theyland on the road. Godzillra chases them onto a bridge...and miraculously
it holds...and eventraps him. Bull...shit. No really. I mean it. This monster
is running aroundtown, crushing 5 feet holes in pavement on ground...hit foot
would goright through the fucking bridge. No ifs ands or buts. On the other
hand, thebridge cables WOULD tangle him up...they hold like hundreds of
thousands oftons before breaking. Again come the f-18's...with more
harpoons...well he'sover water...I guess that's close enough to a ship right?
<sigh> Well okay,the cables don't hold hundreds of thousands...but my point
was that the bridge WOULD certainly trip the bad boy up. Too bad harpoons
still wouldn'twork.
Now...I'm done. Godzilla's heartbeat suddenly gets REALLY loud...for
cinematiceffect...too bad my date at this point was asleep. That good.
<chuckle>So the effect was lost on all. One guy in the back cried out as the
creditsbegan, "That SUCKED!" Heh. I agree. But it was free...and I had a cute
date(albeit a sleeping one) next to me.Oh ...forgot to mention the last egg
breaks open...it survived the missiles.Sequel? They wish...I woke up my date
to point out Gary's name in the credits. (you da man gary...)The effects were
generally really good, I couldn't really bitch about them.Just one shot of the
cab flying out of Godzilla's mouth looked fake as allhell. I didn't like the
monster designs...but hey...they were rendered well.(Gary worked for
Centropolis)I saw an interview from one of the film makers...he said something
like this:"I think our godzilla is closer to what the original authors
intended, he'sfast, he's lethal, he's cunning."WRONG! Try again! What the
original film makers wanted...was a big lumberingmonster that came into town,
blew up a LOT of stuff, and was invincible. Thenew Godzilla RAN. The old
one...stood there...with a look of "that didn'thurt" on his face as he stomped
on and swatted the Japanese miltary around.That was intentional boys, the old
authors envisioned Godzilla as a nature'srevenge monster. He wasn't an
animal...he was a monster...and he was there tokill people. Not once in the
new movie did Godzilla just turn...and wreck a building for no reason. Why?
Because somebody missed the point of the Godzilla films.
Godzilla was the Earth's revenge for Nuclear weapons...no other reasons.
Frankly...that's a more compelling back story than he's a monster createdby
our tests and he just wants to have kids in the Garden. I encouragethe authors
to watch Godzilla: 1985. One of the only US made later godzillafilms...that
pretty much sums up the point of Godzilla films. Sure, it'sa cheesy B movie
...but at least the story of Godzilla is cool.Monster as a new species simply
trying to survive.  Well this wasa neat idea, but they did absolutely nothing
to make it at allremarkable.  The old Godzilla represented the choaticelement
that showed up to humble us and to tear down the edifices webuilt in our
society.  It was a boogy man that threatened our securityin our dominance over
nature.  In addition it was the monster of our owncreation.  Our recklessness
brought a punishment, a price.  But in mostof the old ones Godzilla was
nothing but a lumbering clutz.  He rarelypicked up and ate people, just
accidentally squished em or burned themup when he got irrate.  So a typical
nintees rendition of this wouldmake Godzilla more of a sympathetic beast just
trying to get by.  Acreature born of our recklessness threatens our existence
not out ofmalice, but simply by its needs for existence.  Okay I'll accept
that asEmmerich's and Devlin's contribution to the Godzilla pantheon. 
I'DACCEPT IT IF THEY CONTRIBUTED THAT!  But Nooooooooo, we get to spend
ourtime watching the antics of a breasty blonde bimbo and these otheridiots
who really didn't have a clue what they were dealing with.  Nordid they seem
to have a brain in thier heads.
I could go on with my criticism, but I don't think it would beenjoyable. 
There are a few things I liked about the story.I loved almost all of the
special effects.  The stuff before themilitary showed up in New York was
great.  The red head and the blondeare babes.  And the taco commercials are
fun to watch.Better than the movie in fact.I hope you found at least one part
of that amusing, or I wasted my time.At least I did it from work...so I got
paid.Certainly should be good regen SPAM!
Written by Matt Kordes with excerpts from Ben Martin


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