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Library: Mind of a Moron part 1


Author: Pirotessa
Date:Feb 8 1997

     Duncan was in a room with four other boys and one girl.  His eyes seem to
be magnetically attracted to Missy, specifically to the spot just below her
neck.  Missy was wishing she'd worn something different, she didn't know if
Duncan was going to be there so she thought she might wear something nice for
once.  But now she was sorry she had.  
     "Next issue", said Ron, half yawning, "Piiki.  That's yours, Duncan."
     "Fine.", replied Duncan, a little apprehensive.
     "How much longer?", demanded Ron, "until that thing's finally cooked?"
     "Soon.  I'm closing in.  Its an ordinary meatball-head, won't last too
     "Okay.  Keep me up to date.  Next, my old wife.  Has someone made
arrangements fo her?"
     "I did that.  There shouldn't be a problem with the body, sir.  Its all
taken care of.", replied Jack.  
     "Thanks.  And finally, PC?"
     "She's been handled.", answered Paul.  
     "Good.", replied Ron.  He got up, turned, and left.
     Missy approached Duncan.  "You lech!", she yelled, pulling on her top and
leaning forward.  "You want these?"  Duncan smiled, and she made a fist and
hit him hard in the temples.
     'That really hurt', thought Duncan, 'but it was worth it.'  
     "Even Ron, the second most perverted man in the world, doesn't try to
undress me like you.", she yelled, getting up and leaving.
     "I heard you were receiving treatment for impotence, Duncan.  The reason
you're here is b'cos you want to be able to have sex, right?  I mean, with
someone other than your mom."
     Duncan had been ignoring everything so far.  Jack and Paul were just
sitting around the table.  Missy and Duncan's argument had nothing to do with
them.  "I'll bet you shot it off with one of your guns!  Which one did you do
that with?", she demanded.
     "That's it!  I'll have your little fucking head-", yelled Duncan.  Missy
     "Flunk.  Dinner's on you."  Duncan shrugged.  
     "I guess I didn't have a change against a dynamic girl like you.", he
admitted.  She nodded.

     Duncan was having another one of those nightmares.  "Welcome to the L5
implant station.  Please place the helmet fully over your head.", said an
asexual, metallic voice.  Duncan ignored it.
     "Failure to place the helmet over your head will result in high voltage
discharge.  You have ten seconds."  Duncan ignored the voice as it counted
down.  When it got to zero, he felt his body tensing up as the current ran
through it.  "That was 100 volts.  Next high voltage discharge will be 120. 
Please place the helmet..."  Duncan yelled at the top of his lungs.
     "Get me out of here!  I'm not really dead!  I refuse to die!  I can't
die, I paid $100,000. to become OT8!  Yeeeeeeiih!"  Duncan felt a claw come
across his face, and blood, which brought him back to the real world.  He had
yelled so loud he startled his cat.
     Duncan slowly got up, was beginning to take off his "Pretty Soldier
Sailormoon" pajamas and change his day clothes when Ron came bursting in,
quite winded.
     "Huff... Piiki!  Piiki!", yelled Ron as loud as he could.  "Piikii-eee!",
he yelled, extending his fists and shaking them.  
     Duncan was always very calm, Ron frequently had outbursts like this.  At
this rate, he'd have a heart attack or stroke soon.  "Piiki's been transported
to the brown house.  There's no need to worry about Piiki.", replied Duncan.
     "Piikii!", yelled Ron again.  "Piiki's loose!  Piiki transformed!",
yelled Ron in desperation.
     "Sir, you've been watching TV again.  Its O-five thrirty.  Go back to
sleep, we can talk about Piiki at O-seven."
     Ron seemed to have contained himself.  "Okay.  Sory for the ARC break. 
I'll see you then.  Oh, and nice pajamas."
     Duncan tried not to seem too embarassed at that last statement.

     At O-seven, or 7:00, Duncan met Ron in his office.  "Cigarette", demanded
Ron.  His personal maid handed him a box of "Mild Sevens".  He threw it to the
ground.  "You know I hate this brand.  These are for cat-loving,
meatball-headed, shit-eating faggots!", he yelled, scowling.
     "They're easier on your lungs, sir.  You want to die of lung cancer?!"
     "OT12s don't die.  Run to the store and get me some Wilmintons. 
     She knew it was useless to challenge his hard-headedness, so the maid
gave in and left.  
     Ron picked up the pack of cigarettes off the ground and lit one up. 
"Okay, now that she's dealt with, lets talk about Piiki."
     Duncan nodded.  "Lets."
     "I was going down to the Brown house, to spot Piiki.  I'd taken my colt
with me, just in case I needed to R4-2 him."  Duncan nodded.  "I saw Piiki
through the window.  Miss Brown was beating Piiki with a broom, so I smiled. 
Suddenly, Piiki transform!  Piiki turn into a feline!, a cat!  Piiki jumped
through the window, onto the roof, and kept running.  I tried to R4-2 him with
my colt, but I missed."
    "That's strange.", admitted Duncan.  He thumbed through Piiki's folder. 
"It doesn't say anything about him ever transforming.  Are you sure this
wasn't just a flashback, or something?"
     Ron took a deep breath and then blew smoke.  "Yeah.  I'm no squirrel.  I
saw what I saw."
     "I'll look into it.", said Duncan.
     "Keep me posted.", replied Ron, as he left.  "Y'know, it might just be
better to R4-2 the squirrel, it saves the time of having to relocate it in the
long run.", admitted Ron.
     "I'll consider it.", answered Duncan as he left.
     Duncan had a thing for kids.  He didn't ever think he could shoot one. 
"R4-2 my ass", he said under his breath.  He walked to the front of his Org,
and saw it was time to begin his daily rounds.
     He took some pamphlets and left.  The first guy he came to was a
businessman, late thirties, early forties.  Pressed suit, all the essentials. 
"Sir!  Would you like a free personality and stress reduction test!", he
asked.  The guy ignored him.  Duncan heard a loud skidding and breaking noise
coming from the street, so he focussed on it.  A woman running across the
street had been hit by a car going the wrong way, and thrown onto the
sidewalk.  She put her hand over her leg, and curled up into a fetal position
as the car drove off.  Some blood forming on the ground.
     A few people stood at a distance and watched.  The car that had hit her
drove off.  Duncan walked up to the lady.  "Please, call an ambulence...", she
     "Miss, would you like to take a free personality and stress reduction
test?!", he asked.
     "Hell no!  I'm fucking hurt!", replied the lady, groaning.  Duncan
shrugged.  It was becomming harder and harder for them to reel in some raw
meat, he thought.  Something would have to be done.  In the meantime, he'd go
to investigate Piiki.

     Duncan made his way over to the Brown house.  Knocking, he yelled, "Its
me, Duncan."
     The door opened, and Patricia looked out.  "Oh, hi Duncan.", she replied,
chortling, and let him in.  Behind her, the limp body of a kid was in a chair,
and starting to move.  "Damn.  Benny's starting to move again.", she said,
drawing a Taser and shooting him once.  The kid's body tensed up and then went
limp again.
     "That'll keep him out long enough for us to talk.  I presume its about
Piiki?", she asked.
     "Yeah.  I heard about what happened."
     "It was very strange and all.  I was giving Piiki his daily beating, with
this yon broom o'er here, and suddenly it poof, it suddenly turn into a cat. 
A black one, the type witches like to keep.  Then it run out the window and
off.  Some guy, he try to shoot it, but missed."
     Duncan produced a pad and started taking notes.  "Okay.  Did you notice
any strange behavior on Piiki's part recently?"
     "No stranger than normal.  I caught Davey playing hide-and-seek with it
the other day, but I stopped that."
     "No hair growing in strange places, howling at the moon, or such?", asked
     "Repulsion from Silver?", asked Duncan.  "Wetting the bed?  Eating small,
live animals?"
     Duncan frowed.  "That eliminates a where creature.  Not that I believe in
     "What do you think's up?  Has Ron heard about this?"
     "Ron was the guy trying to shoot him, ma'am."
     "I see", she replied, nodding.  
     Duncan changed the subject.  "How much TV do you watch, ma'am."
     "Not very much."  Nah, imposible.  Two people couldn't have seen the same
false image.  It had to have been real.  He shrugged.  He'd heard of stranger
things than this anyway.
     "Okay, we'll, if Piiki returns, be sure to call me.", ordered Duncan. 
Duncan left shortly after.
     As he closed the door, Duncan heard another Tazer discharge and a kid
yelling.  This lady, one of these days, she's got it coming, thought Duncan. 
No one should treat kids this badly.  "Next time I find Piiki", he muttered,
"I'm keeping him myself."
     Duncan walked through the streets of downtown.  He'd visit
the local humane societies and look for Piiki there.  Maybe the cat had been
picked up by animal control.  But first, he wanted to search the vicinity of
the house.
     "Piiki!  Piiki!", he yelled twice, looking around.  He didn't spot a
black cat.  "Dammit", he muttered.  "Even if I do find a cat, how do I know if
its just an ordinary cat, or Piiki"  Duncan winced in frustration.  Perhaps
this is going to be harder than he thought it would be.

     Duncan had brought his problem to the attention of Ron.  Ron said he'd
see him in his office instantly.
     "So the problem, see, is say I find a black cat.  How do I know if that's
Piiki or not?", asked Duncan.
     "You have Piiki's folder, right?", asked Ron.
     "We'll, you can borrow my Mark five.  Hook up all the black cats you
find, the one that audits with Piiki's signiture is Piiki."
     Duncan thought for a minute.  He was suprised he'd missed something that
simple.  "Of course.  Its done."

     Duncan called an all hands staff meeting. About fifteen people showed up.
 "Okay, this is an emergency situation.", he admitted.  "We've got a very
dangerous squirrel on the loose, and worse, its currently hiding in the body
of a black feline."  A few of them nodded to their supperior in
     Duncan continued.  "I want all of you to scowl the whole neighborhood,
and pick up every black cat you find.  Got that?", he asked.
     "Yes."  "Gotcha."  "Glad I can help, sir."  replied the staff members.

     Duncan began getting Ron's Model five ready to do the tests on the cats
as they came in.  He had to find Piiki.  He'd tip off Ron that one of the
ordinary cats was Piiki, and kill that cat in front of Ron to make him think
Piiki was handled.  He'd keep the real Piiki, and hide the kid, cat, or
whatever somewhere safe.  That was his plan.

Duncan was feeling depressed, so he watched the news for about half an hour to
cheer himself up.  Duncan would do this every time he felt depressed, all the
news ever showed was other peope's misfurtune, and in a sadistic way that made
him feel better.
     Once he felt better, one of the staff member returned with three cats. 
"I collected these for you.", she told him, dropping the cats she was holding
on the floor.  The three cats looked more or less identical.  One by one, he
picked them up and took them to an enclosed room where he'd set up Ron's Mark
     Duncan sat over the machine and adjusted the knobs for a while, shaking
his head.  He'd never done this on a cat before.  He wasn't even sure if these
things worked on ordinary people or not.  He called back in the staff member
and told her "could you help me for a while?"
     "Just help me get the cats hooked up to this.", said Duncan, pointing to
the mess of wires, dials, knobs, and meters.  The staff member nodded, and
then obliged, "I'll hold their paws on the cans."  So Duncan tested the three
cats.  Hmm.  No sign, they all looked the same, thouhgt Duncan.  He pointed to
one of them randomly.  "This one.  Let the other two go.  I'll handle it." 
The staff member nodded and left, holding the other two cats.
     Duncan took out his pistol and undid the safety.  "No", he thought,
shaking his head.
He opened up the window, and fired a shot out the window.  There was a yell,
someone whining about their foot, but he ignored it.  "It's not nice to hurt
cats", he mumbled, tossing the cat out the window and onto the fire escape.  
     Duncan went to find Ron.  He found him in his office, a little tipsy. 
"Hey, Ron.  Piiki's gone."
     "I know.  I heard the shot.  Good work, Dunc."
     "No prob.  I can handle supressive cats anyday."
     "You wanta go out in the UFO to celebrate your win?", asked Ron, swaying
back and forth slowly like a penjulum.
     Duncan knew it probably wasn't such a good idea to go up in the UFO while
he was drunk, but so what.  The thing was safe, mostly.  He himself had built
the lights on the side that continually blinked, and the speaker that made all
the high-frequency "gleep gleep" noises.  So he knew the worksmanship was
     Duncan and Ron made their way over to the silo where the UFO was stored. 
"There she is.", said Ron, getting a little xcited.  Duncan was too, going up
"in the UFO" was something even high-ranking staff members got to do. 
     Hubbard took his old
Sony remote and flipped the power button.  A ramp from the circular UFO opened
out and hit the ground in front of them.  
     The UFO had been made by a team of Ron and top technicians, at the cost
of about a years worth of the staffs "donations".  It resembled a round, black
disc, almost like a frisbee, that was about 15 meters in diamater, and 5
meters tall at the tallest part.  It was powered by a series of 8 propellers
inside the body, which gave it the ability to float or hover.  Since they spun
so fast, the props were invisible, so when flying it looked like a disc with 8
holes evenly placed throughout the body.  The motors for the props were large
electric motors, and therefore were rather quiet.  As long as he stayed rather
high, the flying machine was mistaken by the common populace for a UFO.  Pat,
another one of Ron's assistance, had constructed a voice-pitch doubler and
placed a megaphone on the outside of the ship, for terrorizing the general
     This time, Ron was going to go all the way.  Before, it was just small
things, like landing in a park and flashing the lights and making some wierd
voices and stuff, then taking back off, leaving a few gawkers in awe.  This
time, maybe he'd go for the courthouse, or the stadium or county zoo.  Ron
loved seeing all the people running around like ants protecting their queen
whenever they saw anything even slightly out of the ordinary.
     Ron walked up the ramp, followed by Duncan.  When they were both safely
inside, Ron pointed the remote at the ramp again and pressed a few buttons,
causing the ramp to rise back and merge back with the body of the UFO. "Okay",
said Ron with satisfaction, nodding.  
     Ron took out his C.B. Radio and dialed up control.  "Hello, this is Ron. 
Open up the UFO silo launch doors."
     "Affirmative.  Launch doors open.  Launch doors open.", said a monotone
voice coming from the other end.  A series of whirring noises followed.  Ron
checked some of the "view" TVs and started ordering Duncan around in his usual
     "Battery voltage 1.3 volt, draw is 2.4 amp.  No problems." said Duncan,
checking the series of lights to see they were all green.  Flipping a few
switches, he started the power to the engines as Ron moved over to the Atari
2600 he'd converted to be the control system.  He grabbed the joysticks and
glanced at a few of the TVs.
     "Okay", said Ron, barely able to hide his excitement.  Ron flipped a few
more switches and