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Library: my book


Author: Himeko
Date:Jan 3 1998

I did not choose this fate.  When I was 12, both my parents were killed.  They
were involved in something I don't even try to understand, and they were
betrayed in some way.  My mom told me "This never happened, I'm already dead."
 I didn't tell anyone.  I was in some kind of emotional shock, to sad to even
cry or admit it.  I just buried my parents out back and went to sleep with the
cat.  I barely even slept before it was morning.  It was as if nothing had
happened (no grave, no blood) only my parents were gone.  Vanished, no trace. 
So I got quite upset and left my house, went to live with a friend for half a
year.  Her parents kicked me out, and at only 13 no, can't live alone.  But
when forced between that or something else, I had to.  No choice.

I didn't choose this way of life.  I can't blame myself for doing the things I
do.  Maybe I just use people to accomplish my own ends.  Like I use my kid so
I don't feel lonely.  But don't say no one was warned.  "If you like me, you
will get hurt.  Stay away from me."  I mean that.

How can a human hope to raise a human?  I can barely raise a cat well. 
Sometimes you just find yourself doing things, there's no reason. 

Nonetheless, motivation is not one of my strong points.  You chose your fate,
so deal with it now.  Don't take things halfway.  You've got to either follow
your own feelings or discard them, none of this "only when its convenient"
bullshit.  That's all.