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Library: procyon/hit/zerlun bard play

Books

Author: Shardik
Date:Dec 30 2002

%Bard enters the stage singing.
%Bard stops singing and takes a look around the room.
%Bard sits down on a chair and take his pipe from his pocket.
%Bard stuffs his pipe, lights it and starts blowing thick clouds of smoke
around him.
%Bard says 'Let's see now. Why was I here...? Oh, yes. Now I remember.'
%Bard clears his throat and take a sip of wine.
%Bard says 'This is a story about everyday courage that most of us don't even
notice.'
%Bard says 'Has our society become so violent that we simply ignore the
hacking and slicing around us? Maybe that's what 
makes us not notice the few important happenings around us...'
%Bard says 'Although it is true, that killing is the fastest way to the top
and the solution to many problems there are 
still other ways.'
%Bard says 'But bloodless solutions can be even more painful.'
%Bard grins evilly.
%Bard says 'The story begins in a city we all know so well.'
%Bard says 'In Raven city seargent Calcon endures a series of hard excersises
under the guidance of  legendary captain 
Sillmakka.'
%Sillmakka sings OOOH, You delightful city, Raa-a-a-ven!
%Calcon says 'One, two, three, jump! Puff! This is unfair. We have to sweat
while the captain sit and sings!'
%Calcon says 'And out of tune too!'
%Sillmakka sings Heere can one train his own platooon again!
%Bard says 'Captain Sillmakka receives a message concerning vikings in Bat
city.'
%Sillmakka says 'Attention! The vikings have been spotted in Bat city.
According to the information we have, it's most 
likely theyre camp is located in the southeast quadrant.'
%Sillmakka says 'Our spies also have reported about plans for raiding Raven
after finishing the wimps in Bat city.'
%Calcon says 'One, two, three, jump! One, two, three... What!'
%Sillmakka says 'Vikings are the worst of our enemies we never met. How am I
supposed to save our beloved city, the best 
newbie exprape area?'
%Bard says 'As always in stories like this, our hero, captain Sillmakka finds
the solution.'
%Sillmakka says 'What is this? A hidden room!'
%Sillmakka says 'And this is? 'Secret book with secret formulas'. Sounds
intriguing. I wonder what kind of formulas...'
%Sillmakka says 'Ah! This is what I was looking for: 'How the get rid of the
vikings settled in the southeast quadrant of 
Bat city'.'
%Bard says 'Captain Sillmakka sends his men out to gather the needed
ingredients. Soon a large kettle bubbles with magic 
potion!'
%Sillmakka says 'Warthog warts... Ugly guard's uncleaned fingernails... Armour
stolen from newbies passing through, that 
was easy to get.'
%Sillmakka says 'Ent bark... Sable's breasthair Arska balls?!'
%Sillmakka says 'Where are the balls?'
%Calcon says 'Dont ask me. I already gave my fingernails.'
Harle [wanted]: party for tarmanav
%Bard says 'The ravenguards reported that they couldn't find any Arska balls.'
%Sillmakka says 'Do I have to everything myself!'
%Bard says 'And so captain Sillmakka left on journey to the far east. Well
actually not so far actually... Not even past 
Zonni swamps.'
%Sillmakka says 'Excuse me, sir? Are you Arska? Do you mind if I cut your
balls off?'
%Bard says 'Captain Sillmakka tried to be polite, but all the weird guy
hanging in the shack could say was 'Eh?!?  Speak 
up, sonny!'.'
%Sillmakka take out the same scissors he used on sergeant Calcon's nails from
his pocket.
%Sillmakka grabs Arska from the balls. *SNAP!*
%Bard says 'Sillmakka then hurried back to Raven city to finish the potion.'
%Sillmakka says 'Listen up men! Here's the plan. Calcon and I will dress as
vikings and travel to Bat city. There we 
infiltrate the camp and pour the potion in their food!'
%Calcon says 'That man is a genious!'
%Sillmakka says ': It may sound as an impossible task... which it probably is.
But always remember: Arska no longer has 
balls!'
%Bard says 'Captain Sillmakka and sergeant Calcon arrived at Batcity southgate
after a long stroll through the wilderness.'
%Sillmakka says 'What do you mean you can't let us in?!'
%Sillmakka says 'No we are not vikings! We're Ravenguards dressed up like
vikings.'
%Sillmakka says 'Can't you stupid gateguards not see the difference between
vikings and Ravenguards?'
%Calcon says 'Come on boss. Take it easy. These guys are just doing their
jobs.'
%Sillmakka says 'And I suppose you have a better idea on how to get inside?'
%Calcon says 'Umm.. We could use the portal in Babylon. Its free.'
%Bard says 'Well inside the walls of Bat city two ravenguards start searching
for the vikings.'
%Calcon says 'Excuse me sir. That bearded guy over there could be a viking.'
%Sillmakka says ': No, that's Athalon. The newbieressing robot.'
%Calcon says 'Nono. That other guy. The one raping that lady with white
wings.'
%Sillmakka says 'Oh. That guy?'
%Bard says 'Captain Sillmakka knew they would get killed if anybody found out
they weren't real vikings. He put on his most 
frightening look and approached the supposed viking.'
%Sillmakka says 'E-excuse me sir? You wouldn't happen to be a viking would
you?'
%Sillmakka says 'Who me? Ofcourse I'm a viking.'
%Sillmakka says 'Our clanchief sent us to aid you in your cause. So if you
would be so kind and show the way to your camp.'
%Sillmakka says 'Oh, where we come from? Have you heard of a place called the
Whirlpool?'
%Sillmakka says 'No? Well that's where we come from.'
%Bard says 'The Viking eyed captain Sillmakka and seargent Calcon suspiciously
but could not tell if they were telling the 
truth or not. He then led the ravenguards through dark alleys to their camp
were they were met by the viking chieftain.'
%Sillmakka says 'Good day sir chieftain. Our chieftain in Whirlpool sent us to
aid you in your struggle against Bat city.'
%Mikkouer hops up and down while flapping his arms, and chants 'xafe xyyqh
 xckgandhuzqarr'
%Mikkouer vanishes in a bright flash as reality snaps.
%Hp: Sp:+72 Ep:
%Sillmakka says 'We really can't help you by fighting but we're excellent
cooks.'
%Bard says 'Our heros now had full access to the kitchen and could pour the
potion in the food.'
%Calcon says 'Sir. When is this potion supposed to rid the vikings?'
%Sillmakka says 'When they eat the food we spiced with it, ofcourse.'
%Calcon says 'Oh... Can I eat too?'
%Sillmakka says 'No.'
%Calcon says 'Sir?'
%Sillmakka says 'What is it?'
%Calcon says 'Im hungry.'
%Sillmakka says 'Go and eat at Ugly Joe's. I'll stay here at camp and watch if
the potion works.'
%Bard says 'And it did. All the vikings who ate of the food with Sillmakka's
potion transformed into sheep. Sillmakka who 
saw this happen did the disco duck and smiled happily.'
%Sillmakka says 'HA! Now it's our turn to rape you!'


Books