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Library: The Baker's Wife

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Author: Cannedheat
Date:Mar 18 2001

Once upon a time I was journeying through the woods in the western-southern
hemisphere of the batworld on the way to visit my friend, who was the resident
baker of a small elven village. He was a cheery old baker rolling dough, and
he had a dimply wife with a nice ass who always wore an apron covered with red
roses. I was tired and hungry from my journey when It finally ended at the
entrance to the village. Oh, lord, I could just smell the bakery from there!
And even though I was an evil skeleton LOC who couldn't eat food or drink
beverages, I was still enticed. I sauntered into the village and said hello to
the merchant with the empty cart. Knowing how irritated he was at having an
empty cart I took the liberty of killing the two small children who were
annoying him, in order to ease his pain. Then I walked south to the bakery and
let myself in through the door. God, it smelled good! As I entered the door I
said hi to the Baker's lovely wife and pinched her butt affectionately, but
this time she didn't dimple and purr like she normally does. Something was
dreadfully wrong. Who was this strange woman? Let me pass, woman! I said to
her authoritatively. But she shook her head and held up her hand, saying "I'm
sorry, that room isn't for customers" It was then that I knew the awful truth.
This wasn't the baker's wife with the nice ass and the rose apron at all. It
was some weird, vile replacement creature who also had a nice ass and a red
rose apron, but was obviously malicious! I backed away defensively, and drew
Deathshade. It hummed with a magical aura as I drew it, and the baker's wife
hissed in a vile manner. I hoped against hope that the baker was still alive
in the back room, that I had gotten there soon enough to prevent his death at
the hands of this demon!

The battle was joined. Deathshade hummed violently as I drove its edge deep
into the Baker's wife, causing a bright fountain of blood to spurt across a
display of creme tarts and doughnuts. Oh well, I reasoned, it would just look
like raspberry glaze in a while anyway. While I was distracted the woman came
at me with her claws, digger them deep into my face. From somewhere within her
apron she produced a sharp steel dagger and buried it deep with my side. I
cried out in pain and buckled under the pressure. I felt that it was all for
nought, that I would die and so would my friend.

She kept the blade within me and started casting. My heart paled with terror
as she brought forth an acid arrow and directed it into my chest. The
corroding pain was excruiciating and I almost blacked out right then and
there.

But then, in a stroke of luck I saw my opportunity to end this madness. As she
began to withdraw the dagger from my side for another jab I swung Deathshade
upwards into her throat. Baker's Wife blood spilled out violently and I could
feel Deathshade's chaotic healing magic knitting the wound in my side, my
blood returning and strength flooding into my limbs! The baker's wife
collapsed under the onslaught and and begged for mercy, but I would give no
quarter. Deathshade's thirst was too strong, and with a final thrust her life
ebbed and her soul was sucked inexorably into the heart of the blade.
Deathshade pulsed warmly and glistened redly with a job well done. It was well
sated with such a kill. I kicked through the remains of the body and looted it
for coins, and slid the steel dagger into my belt. I wiped Deathshade on the
red rose apron and sheathed it, since its job was done for now.

Entering into the backroom I greeted my friend the cheery old baker rolling
dough. He was indeed cheerily rolling dough. The first thing he asked was why
I was covered in blood, and had I pinched his wife's ass again? He said she
didn't really care for that and as a joke she had planned not to let me into
to the backroom the next time I came to visit, if I pinched her butt again.

Well..." I said, "I'll tell you in a minute, I'm going to duck out for some
fresh air And with that, I took out of that village faster than you can say
red rose apron!


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