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Library: Welwood vs Crayola part I


Author: Welwood
Date:Oct 13 2002

Dear Crayola,

Hello again, it's Welwood Cuteness. You may or may not remember me from my
previous 37 letters that I have written your company detailing the new colors
I demand that you adopt in your crayon boxes. First let me say that your
choice to maintain the 64 colors you currently have is not nearly as cool as
the 69 colors that I have suggested in the past few dozen letters. I would
also like to point out that the number 64 bears no relevance at all and seems
to be almost random to the point of absurdity, whereas the number 69
immediately invokes a sense of happiness as everyone I know, myself included,
greatly enjoys mouth-genital stimulation. As I stated in letter 28, I believe
this association alone should increase your sales by 20-24% in the first
quarter alone if released in the Q2 or spring quarter. The reasoning for this
is that springtime and 69 colors almost go hand in hand like mom and apple
pie. I'm sure that any reasonable person would understand this! Stop being so
stubborn with the 64 colors already!

I understand that many others have probably recommended changes to your
product line in the same vein that I have suggested in the past 11 letters. I
also understand that I would not be receiving any monetary compensation from
any of you cheap fuckers for any of the incredible color ideas that I have
developed with the help of my electronic cat. I'm sure that many of you are
cat lovers and I do not think that simply because I have developed a series of
adult colors with the help of an electronic cat that these ideas are in ANY
WAY inferior to anything developed with a live cat or any other live animal
for that matter, so I would hope that you would be smart enough to keep an
open mind. As I stated in letter 12 paragraph 18 "I in no way accept
total;responsibility nor do I assume to promote myself as the sole developer
of;these ultrafuckingkewl colors, I share the credit for all of these colors
with;my friend, vagina, the electronic cat I previously mentioned 2 letters or
so;ago I cant remember right now, very tired" Please, please when you adopt
all or most of the new colors that I have sent in please remember to mention
my pet who should not be overlooked simply because I am the only one of us who
can type. A list of the cool new colors is as follows, although I think that
you might remember some of them from the previous 8 letters I sent you, if for
some reason you did not receive any of the suggestions you should see them
here. I sent the last 3 letters with a return receipt so I know someone over
there has gotten them, don't think that if I see these colors out in your
boxes that I wont know you stole our ideas. Like I said, I don't want money,
but if you put the pictures that I sent you in the last letter of me and my
new hat on the box then I will accept that as payment enough. 

Anyway, here are the colors we need you to put in right now. I'm sure that you
will see why they need to replace your almost generic and nondescriptive

1 Angry black- color of a very angry black guy (redblack)  2 African black-
really really black guy, like guy you cant see in the dark with eyes closed 
3Vagina pink -the first girls vag you ever saw pink, never done, never poked
pink  4 Used Vag Pink -you're the 100th guy to see this vag, it's not so much
pink as brownpink  5 ULTRA USED VAG PINK - this isn't so much pink as it is
rare roast beef colored pink (please refer to my idea in letter 4 paragraph
23;about the scented crayons that this crayon simply must smell like roast
beef) 6 Liberace Pink -highly gay pink that is so pink it looks like it likes
other pink crayons pink  7 white guy - not really white as much as it is
yellowpink like the average nontanned irish guy

-This goes on for all 69 colors, most of which I'm not letting you guys see
due to still waiting for copywrites etc, please don't steal my ideas for the
colors I showed you here.