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Library: Welwood vs Kelloggs
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Author: Welwood
Date:Oct 9 2002
This is the 4th letter that I have written to your company requesting that you
add a warning label to your grape flavored jelly. I am beginning to think that
your company is purposefully omitting the warning label in order to subject
the average consumer (me) to physical bodily injury. As I stated in my last
letter, your jelly is, to put it bluntly, totally and completely useless as
ANY type of sexual lubricant. I cannot begin to explain to you the pain and
suffering that I have been subjected to me and my girlfriend and my electronic
cat since I started using your Grape Jelly to enhance our sexual pleasure. Let
me assure you that I'm doing anything overly kinky with the jelly, simple anal
sex is all, and EVERY SINGLE TIME I've used it, my girlfriend has complained
of massive irritation in her buttockel area, not to mention the rash,
inflammation of said buttockle area and overall I've been getting 98% less
anal sex now SPECIFICALLY DUE TO YOUR STUPID PRODUCT. Please don't think that
I am saying that all of your products are bad, we have certainly enjoyed both
your raspberry and orange jellies for years now, but now that we have decided
to expand our sexual repatoir to include you Grape Jelly, things have never
been worse. There are several problems with your Grape Jelly that we simply do
not have with any of your other jelly's .As I stated in the letters I
previously sent to you I only have a few complaints. 1.the jelly is too thick,
yes it feels very good to me having a thicker consistency gives a nice warm
sensation on my penis, when inserted into most orifice's, but it seems to
contain "grit" which causes major chaffing according to my girl. 2.The jelly
stains almost everything it touches, my girls buttockal region is entirely
purple now and it looks like I'm having sex with "grimace" from the macdonalds
commercials. My weiner is also bright purple now. If there is a simple
solution to this problem, I'm at a loss as to what it could be. 3.The jelly
continues to be sticky long after washing or bathing. My electronic cat can no
longer move as all of his movable parts are coated in purple jelly. This could
be remedied if your jelly worked much like spider mans webs, where after a few
hours, they would dissolve or something so new york city wouldn't be covered
in webs. Then me, my girlfriend and my now immobile electronic cat would be
able to move around much like the happy citizens of spider man's nyc.
Please take all of these obvious product flaws into consideration. I again
implore you to add a warning label to your grape jellies that reads "caution,
may cause massive anal irritation when used for anal sex, not to be applied to
electronic animals" or something to that exact effect. I'm sure that your
company is not looking for any negative publicity from this unfortunate
incident, so please be assured that I will drop this entire matter once the
warning labels are in place and I'm given some free samples of your grape
jelly. Thank you again for your time and consideration in all of this, I want
this matter resolved as much as your company does I'm sure. Me and my
girlfriend and my electronic cat will continue to purchase both your raspberry
and orange flavor jellies in the future, but please, for the sake of other
consumers, please add this warning, we all believe it's quite critical.
Sincerely,
Welwood Cuteness
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