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Library: The Play: "Hazards of Magic" by Zarwan

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Author: zarwan
Date:Nov 2 2003

%Abbados says 'Hello everyone!'
%Abbados waves to everyone.
%Abbados says 'My name is Abbados Laminaar.'
%Abbados says 'I have come here to inform you all about the dangers of magic.'
%Abbados pauses for a moment.
%Abbados says 'First of all, I say this...'
%Abbados says 'There's no such thing as dangerous magic!'
%Abbados takes a deep breath.
%Abbados says 'Yes, I know that every magic user would deny this but they're
all wrong.'
%Abbados says 'You see, they must protect their reputation.'
%Abbados changes his voice a bit higher.
%Abbados says '"An individual who masters the most fearsome secrets and the
most fatal powers that are known."'
%Abbados says 'That's how they like to express it.'
%Abbados says 'Every novice, apprentice and even more experienced magicians
are taught this.'
%Abbados says 'I don't want to offend anyone but that's BOLLOCKS.!'
%Abbados raises his hands to calm the audience.
%Abbados says 'Now, I am here to prove you all that magic is safe to use by
anybody.'
%Abbados says 'I have researched magic for decades and I've traveled the most
distant lands to seek information.'
%Abbados raises his voice.
%Abbados shouts 'I've confronted demons and stolen their souls!'
%Abbados screams face red.
%Abbados shouts 'I've been trapped into different chaos-dimensions for
centuries!!'
%Abbados shouts 'I'VE SOLD MY...'
%Abbados suddenly stops and glares the audience.
%Abbados says 'Hmm... Shall we begin..'
%Abbados says 'When one decides to study magic he usually finds a teacher.'
%Abbados says 'While the learning begins, the novice must first learn all the
simple spells.'
%Abbados says 'For example, creating light or healing tiny injuries.'
%Abbados says 'Why? Because it is believed that trying to cast difficult
spells with unexperienced hands may be fatal.'
%Abbados says 'That is a misconception at the moment.'
%Abbados looks at the audience.
%Abbados says 'I claim...No! I KNOW, that no single magical act is more risky
than any other.'
%Abbados says 'That is the case with all spells, be it a Magic Missile or Mass
Lobotomy.'
%Abbados looks thoughtful.
%Abbados whispers 'What the heck is Mass Lobotomy anyway?...'
%Abbados says 'Well now, I'm going to demonstrate the safeness of magic with
this book.'
%Abbados says 'I found it yesterday from Bat City Library.'
%Abbados says 'It laid on somekind of black pedestal surrounded by strange
statues depicting creatures of unspeakable forms.'
%Abbados shows the book labeled "Necronomicon".
%Abbados says 'This is clearly some sort of magical book.'
%Abbados looks at the book.
%Abbados says 'This book's name is Necronoum...Necroim...or whatever.'
%Abbados opens the book and starts flipping the pages.
%Abbados says 'Let's see...'
%Abbados shouts '"ZI KIA KANPA, ZI ANNA KANPA, ZI DINGIR KIA KANPA, ZI DINGIR
ANNA KANPA!"'
%suddenly a little imp is flapping over Abbados. Then it vanishes.
%Abbados says 'I'm not sure if that was a spell at all.. Well, let's try
another one...'
%Abbados flips some pages forward.
%Abbados shouts '"KASVIUS HURJIUS PICA!"'
%Abbados a small tree starts growing from Abbados's head.
%Abbados doesn't seem to notice it.
%Abbados says 'What did say before? Safe magic!'
%Abbados looks angrily at the audience.
%Abbados shouts 'What are you laughing at?!'
%Abbados flips some pages again.
%Abbados says 'Hmmm.. I think this is good stuff..'
%Abbados starts reading.
%Abbados shouts '"That is not dead which can eternal lie, yet with strange
eons even death may die."'
%Abbados pauses for a monent.
%Abbados says 'Some kind of resurrection spell I think..'
%Abbados shouts '"Cthulhu fhtagn, Cthulhu fhtagn."'
%Abbados shouts '"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."'
%Abbados shouts '"IÄ IÄ NYARLOTHEP!...Perkele!"'
%Abbados suddenly screams in agony.
%Abbados drops on his knees screaming, ears bleeding.
%Abbados is rolling on the floor while his eyeballs explode out to the
audience.
%Abbados lies still on the stage with a horrible expression on his face.
%Death arrives and carries Abbados away.


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