Well, I was in the middle of Monday's blog addition when the mud went into
downtime and I lost that entry.  Well, I'll try to summarize the last few days
then since my last update.  Sat. morning I woke up late (9am) and was
stumbling to the bathroom when my roomie said someone must really want to get
ahold of me.  Sure enough, there was a message on my machine.  I played the
message and heard my Mom's voice quiver a little as she informed me that my
cousin Linda had finally lost her 7 year battle with cancer.  So, I got
dressed and went home for the weekend.  We eventually learned that the funeral
would be held on Tuesday at 11am.  

Now Linda was a year younger than me and we saw each other often growing up,
but by college time, we didn't see each other very often.  By that time, we
stopped having the extended family get-togethers, so there wasn't much
occasion to meet.

So the weekend pretty much came and went.  I puttered around the farm, got
some more wood split, nothing exciting.  Monday I came into work.  Good thing
I did, because I finally got my next project going.  Then yesterday, I took
the day off.  Dad ended up having to work, so I escorted Mom to the funeral
service.  Fortunately, it wasn't quite as sad as the funeral for Linda's
younger sister, Jackie, who died in a automobile accident.  Yeah, that family
has had a lot of tough luck the past few years.  At least this time, everyone
had been expecting this.  And it is for the best, as the cancer was eating my
cousin alive and she was in constant pain.

The service was somber, and Father Peters had one of the best homilies I've
heard in a funeral service.  In the sermon, Father explained the Catholic
rituals of burial and the stages of grief and tied it with the readings and a
bit of wisdom.  Too bad my sister didn't hear it, as Mom and I both hoped she
would be able to take something away from it.  

At least the weather was beautiful for a February day in Iowa.  It was warm,
almost 50, and sunny with a light breeze.  It reminded me of the day when we
buried Brett seven years and 1 day earlier.  Yeah, February is a bitch in my
book.  The funeral side service was short.  At least my aunt and uncle were
able to get a plot for Linda next to her sister Jackie.    Afterwards, we ate
the post-funeral lunch.  Mom and I sat with my great-aunt Meda and my last
living grandmother with a selection of aunts and uncles and counsins around
us.  The meal was functional and quick.  I got a hug from my aunt Diane
(Linda's mother) thanking me for attending.  See, I didn't want to do the wake
or go through the reception line for viewing.  I just couldn't go through with
that, I couldn't help them and it wasn't going to help me.  So yeah, I was a
bit of a coward, but I didn't want to feel any more pain than I had to.  I
didn't want to look into their eyes and see that look of loss and hurt again
and then feel it again myseYeah, I still feel that pain close to my heart and
will again someday I'm afraid.  Yeah, I doubt my suffering was going to make
theirs any easier.  Thankfully my aunt was kind enough to thank me.  Even my
grandmother thanked me for coming.  Sometimes, just being there is good
enough.

So here I  am back to work on a Wed.  I was given cookies this morning by one
of the 3 gals that I had interest in but I didn't think anything was
happening.  Ya see, since X-mas break, I had pretty much broken off contact
with the gals.  I would carry on conversations, but only if they initiated it
and I stopped going out of my way to visit, etc.  Interesting, eh?  Not
really, this is the gal that thinks that she doesn't need to date, because she
could do everything she wants to do with friends.  I just have to remind
myself that there is nothing more to this than her wanting to give cookies to
a friend.  Any other thoughts will lead me down that twisty path of "does she
or doesn't she" that I was on earlier, and I'm wise enough to not go there
again without a true indication of her intentions.  Although a part of me just
doesn't want to deal with her any more and kindof hoped she would fade away
into memory.  Shesh, I need to get some companionship going.

Anyways, I've been typing this for almost an hour in between some work and I
really should get to the gym.  Blog entry brought to you by Alice in Chains
"No Excuses" and some free cookies.