Hey blog, been a few days since I got to you.  I got too busy at the end of
the day the last few days last week.  But partly I was avoiding typing up some
of the thoughts that have been going through my head of late.  Ya see, I had a
mini-revelation.  I was thinking about why I was stressing about asking out
one of the 3 that I keep mentioning off and on.  Well, it occurred to me that
I was reacting out of desperation and fear.  I was able to look beyond the
short-term worries and look at the deeper, bigger picture.  I am afraid that
I'm not going to find that woman to marry in time to start a family.  How odd,
even a man can feel his biological clock tick on him as well.  And right now,
I feel it weighing heavily on me of late as I approach my 34th birthday in
June.  Part of me just wants to settle with the first gal that says yes, and I
know that's the wrong way to go.  I know that one of the 3 would say yes, or
at least I think I'd have a good shot at getting a 'yes'.  However, I know it
wouldn't work long term.  So I'm torn, do I take the door that's open or do I
look for a door that may not exist for me.

Then, last night I came into work.  You see, I had been kindof avoiding
contact with a gal the last few weeks.  I had to get my head and heart on
straight, because I was frustrating myself being around her.  However, guilt
was building up in me for the avoidance and it wasn't fair to her.  So, I
popped over to chat.  And we ended up chatting for better than an hour.  After
the chat, she invites me over to help her plant a couple of trees, to which I
agreed.  Just like, I'm back to being the "friend".  Again, I'm such a sucker.
 I know what the advice is, either be her boyfriend if that is what you want
or be her friend, but don't be a friend to be her boyfriend.  Gah, I'm so
weak.

So, once again I've put myself back into the situation I was in around X-mas
time.  Having two single female friends that I don't have the guts to find out
if I'm boyfriend worthy of them and with whom I'm not entirely sure I'd have a
future with.  And yes, I do overthink these things, another fault.  I'm trying
not to make excuses, I know what I need to do.  Just not following through at
the moment.  Just thought I'd share.  

However, I do have some hope on the horizon.  I'm slowly gaining back some
self-confidence with the weight loss.  I was down to 188 on Thur.  Right now I
still have this annoying paunch around the middle that I want to get rid of. 
I figure another 10-15 more pounds to really cut that down.  So, another two
months at the current rate of loss I believe.  We'll see what I look like at
180 before I know for sure how much more I want to lose.  Remember that hope I
mentioned.  Well, I have an open favor of a blind date set-up that I can call
in when I'm ready.  I'm thinking that sometime during the smmer I'll call that
favor in if I can't resolve the situation I'm in currently.    So that's my
so-called dating life at the moment.  

And oh yeah, last weekend was Mother's Day here in the US.  Unfortunately, Mom
had to work the weekend.  So on Saturday, I went out mushroom hunting in the
cold rainy weather that has been plaguing our area for the past 4 days.  I
found almost 3/4 of a bread sack, mostly the big yellows under one tree in the
pasture.  Just hasn't been a great year for mushrooms due to the unusually
cool May we've had.  Then Sunday, I sat around and waited for Mom to return
home so I could watch her open her card.  I even got a surprise hug.  It
startled me as she came from behind as I sat on the coach that I over-reacted
and tried to duck out.  Dad just laughed at me.  What can I say, I'm just not
used to having someone hugging me.  Sad but true, our family isn't the
huggy-touchy types.  Well, Mom is, but I'm like Dad and we just don't show
affection that way very often.

Whew!  A little drama in my life in the moment, just enough to make me sound
like a song from an emo band.  I know, wah, wah, at least I'm not [insert
disability, handicap, life threatening issue, poverty, or other such issue]
and should count my blessings.  But what is life if one can't talk about one's
deficiencies in it.  If I'm going to become better, I need to identify and
overcome my fears.  And if some lovely and wonderful single gal wants to come
into my life and whisk me off my feet, well, I wouldn't stop her. *grin* 
Well, I can dream, can't I?  Tonight's blog brought to you by "Self-Esteem"
The Offspring.