%The curtain scuffles awkwardly for a moment and then Runk sways on the stage
carrying a weathered lute and a pint of beer.
%Runk gives an euphoric yet charismatic smile while his eyes erratically dart
across the audience.
%For a split second Runk's eyes seem to fix on YOU while he gives the most
vague of winks.
%"Ah, well, we seem to be ready to start.", Runk says and proceeds to take a
considerable sip from his beer.
%After BURPING LOUDLY, Runk haphazardly leers around until he notices a small
stool in the center of the stage.
%Runk says 'Ah!!!'
%Runk smiles, lurches by the stool and sits on it, while carefully placing his
beer next to it.
%Crossing his legs and readying his lute, Runk says: "Welcome to you all. I am
bard Runk."
%Runk says 'Let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, a tale of an insecure
trumpetist.'
%Runk says 'A trumpetist so dump, all he could see was tits.'
%Runk chuckles, and seemingly enjoying his own wits starts to tune his lute.
%After a while, Runk takes a more serious look at the audience, his throat
letting out a small gurgle.
%Runk starts to play a catchy sing-a-long melody and sings - his voice in
sweet, full baritone.
%Runk sings: "He had an orange skin"
%Runk sings: "an a wide white grin,"
%Runk sings: "but calling him handsome"
%Runk drops his voice and sings: "would have been a sin."
%A couple of filler notes leave Runk's lute before he continues.
%Runk sings: "He had a gorgeous wife subdued:"
%Runk sings: "the prize in his shopping cart."
%Runk sings: "And a pompous attitude"
%Runk sings: "like a constipated fart.", plucking a dischord on the last word.
%Longingly, Runk glances at his beer and plays some filler notes.
%Runk continues to sing: "Where he went, his cologne smelled,"
%Runk sings in a deeper voice: "And to everyone he yelled:"
%Runk stops playing abruptly and imitating a snarky puppy woofs: "I'm a smart
man, let me tell you!"
%Runk continues playing, shakes his head while sighing and sings: "But alas,
many compared him to a human goo."
%Looking at his beer and smiling at it, Runk plucks another short filler
section.
%Waking from his trance, Runk glances at the audience looking if anybody
noticed his lapse (yes, everybody noticed) and clears his throat.
%Runk sings: "He tried to play all he could,"
%Runk sings: "even though many asked if he should."
%Runk stops his playing and, while taking a large sip from his beer, says:
"But he continued"
%Runk continues playing his lute and sings: "For he was stubborn as an ox,"
%Runk sings: "and as tactful as a reality-star in crocs."
%Runk sings: "His small hands made playing such a big instrument hard,"
%Runk sings: "and he was told he would make a lousy bard."
%Runk sings angrily: "But he just replied:"
%Runk sings in falsetto: "My lyrics are art!"
%Runk stops playing, squints and says brattily: "These FAKE NEWS will fall
apart!"
%After a few filler notes, Runk sings: "He made a hundred days plan to improve
his play,"
%Runk sings: "but it stumbled in every possible way."
%Runk sings: "Furious, he tried to keep all the strings intact,"
%Runk sings: "But they snapped like his Russ... Laenorian pact."
%Runk cries: "I will go the whole nine yards!", and the melody stops.
%Runk says 'he desperately boasted.'
%Runk says 'But others refused:'
%Runk says in a deep voice: "You are expelled from the bards!"
%Runk plays a longer filler section while having a dreamy gaze at his beer.
%Runk's gaze is almost TOO dreamy!
%You are AFFECTED by Runk's gaze! You need a beer! NOW!
%Runk stops playing and says: "For you see,"
%Runk says: "the greatest weapons for a bard".
%Runk says: "are her instrument", and plucks a chord.
%Runk says: "and her wits.", and plucks a chord.
%Runk says: "Not the credit card,", and plucks a dischord.
%Runk says: "the government", and plucks a dischord.
%Runk says: "or the tweets."
%Looking at the audience, Runk smiles charmingly and continues with a more
serious melody.
%Runk sings: "But there is a lesson to be learned from this trumpetist."
%Runk sings: "Always be ready to raise your fist.", throwing his fist up in
the air during the last word.
%Runk sings: "When the society tries to thrust you in the grr...ass,"
%Runk stops his playing, grabs his beer and says merrily: "Be a chump and grab
your glass."
%Runk stands up and shouts "For what the alcohol does not cure"
%Runk shouts: "that is not worth the allure.", and continues to chug down the
rest of his beer.
%Runk throws the glass somewhere, readies his lute and continues to play, now
in minor.
%Runk sings with full baritone again: But when the society tries to turn you
mute,"
%Runk sings: "there is always a voice in this bard's lute."
%Runk plucks a couple of finishing notes which seem to linger in the air.
%Lowering his lute, Runk bows gracefully.
%Runk says 'Thank you, thank you!'
%Runk continues: "Now if anybody would be so kind and could offer me a true
Shadowkepian beer. I have heard that it is one the best ones out there and..."
%But somebody quickly pulls Runk out of the stage before he can finish his
thought.